The 5 Love Languages

Do you know your love language?
What about your partner's?

....give in order to receive!

Jenn and Lesa discuss the love languages by Gary Chapman and the benefits of knowledge.

https://soundcloud.com/jennandlesa/5-love-languages

When is the relationship over? 5 signs it’s time to move on.

1.  When you stop trying.

2.  When the relationship causes more sadness than joy.

3.  When your emotional support is elsewhere.

4.  When you live separate lives.

5.  When you dream about the perfect relationship and it’s not the one you’re in.

Breaking up is hard. It’s difficult. It sucks.

But sometimes it needs to be done.

I know…I always promote repair, attempts, connection, re-connection….

It’s like this: if your hand hurts  - you don’t cut it off. If your hand really hurts – you take a pill. If your hand really, really hurts – you see a specialist. If your hand is turning black, is numb and is killing you – it’s time to cut it off.

Relationships aren’t much different. Really. If you’ve worked on your relationship and made the choice to love your partner then you’ll do the work to keep the relationship strong.  But if you’ve exhausted quality time, and the laughter is gone and you feel like you’re the only one shouldering the weight of keeping the relationship going…then it’s time to decide if the relationship is over.

When you stop trying to find solutions to conflicts and just argue then you’ve stopped putting in the effort to make things work and when you’ve both given up on reparative effort then the end is not far off.

If you look back over the past three months and experienced more nights in tears than in giggles…perhaps your relationship isn’t the healthiest for you. A little friction in a relationship isn’t bad..it’s actually quite normal. What you don’t want is the scale tipped in the direction of sadness, melancholy, and dejection. This isn’t healthy and it needs to be fixed before you start manifesting your feelings as headaches, stomach aches and fatigue.

You’re having a bad day. You’re sad, upset, frustrated and it shows. Your brow is furrowed; Tears glisten in your eyes and you can barely manage a smile. You just want your partner to ask how your day was and then listen.  You want empathy, validation, or a shoulder to cry on. Only, your partner is no longer the first person you go to when you’re upset. You’ve been conditioned that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say…or he changes the subject…or he only wants to hear ‘happy talk.’ Women typically have best friends that they seek out when they have a problem, but when you feel like you can’t bare your soul to your partner chances are you’re on your way out of the relationship.

You want to be a priority. You deserve to feel like a priority in your relationship. If your partner is no longer asking about your day…or not asking follow up questions to, “how was your day?” then he’s just not interested. The two of you have separate activities and rarely spend quality time together…it begins to look like you no longer care about one another. You’ve lost interest and are leading separate lives. You co-exist and the relationship is over.

If you are picturing the perfect relationship and comparing how it differs from the one you’re in…then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. Maybe you begin thinking about what you want in the future…you may even fantasize about past relationships…you only know that the relationship perfect for you is not the one you’re in. If you find yourself uncomfortable around happy couples….It’s time to find happiness.

Ideally you will identify markers that signify the beginning of the end of your relationship. An intimate relationship can be revived …but both partners have to want it…and want it badly.  You will need to reach outside your comfort zone and do the work.  Everyone wants to be happy. Ideally you can be happy together.

Sadly, sometimes being happy means starting out alone.

Forgiving an Ex

How I learned to Forgive  my Abusive Ex Boyfriend

by Taraleigh Weathers

I found compassion and then forgiveness for my ex-boyfriend, Bob. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I in no way think his behavior is OK, and I don’t have any desire to see him again or let him know I've forgiven him. I know in my heart and soul I've forgiven him. Carrying around that bag full of anger is really heavy and I got tired.  

I started the forgiveness journey by taking a look at his life. His mom was the child of an affair between a very powerful man and a woman from the wrong side of the tracks. Bob’s mom spent her whole life trying to prove she was worthy. She was told from a very young age that darker-toned people were lower class than lighter-toned people. She told Bob he was to marry a younger Catholic woman who had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Then I come along into Bob’s life: dark-toned, older and Jewish. I blew her mind. She was certain I was there to destroy Bob’s life, and she treated me that way. Bob was torn between wanting to please his mother and his own happiness. This killed him, and he took out his anger on me.  

Knowing this was how I was able to find forgiveness. Bob was suffering. Happy people don’t treat people the way he treated me, and it's not the way his mom treated him. I felt compassion and forgave them both. I send them love and hope one day they can find happiness. 

Forgiving him and his mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go of the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

After forgiving him, I was able to forgive myself for staying in an abusive situation for so long. I saw how I wanted to make him better, how I saw the best in him and ignored the worst, which is why I accepted his behavior for so long. At the time, I thrived on the excitement of the drama. But I wasn’t happy, if I had been, I wouldn’t have put up with a relationship like that. Eventually I was able to feel compassion for myself, and finally forgiveness came.

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

I’ve come up with seven tactics you can put into practice right away to free yourself from the burden of being unable to forgive.

1. Remember that gratitude is the best attitude.

Happiness lies within; it just gets buried sometimes. Instead of looking for happiness from outside circumstances or people, work on being grateful and bring the happiness out from within you. When you play the victim and focus on all the ways the world has done you wrong, you give them the power over your happiness. Start and end your day by writing down 3-5 things you’re grateful for.  

2. Pray.

We're all inherently good people. Happy people don’t hurt other people; only suffering people do. Pray for the happiness of those who have hurt you.

3. Act with love.

When people act with hate toward you and you respond with hatred, you're a part of the problem. You are a being of love and light. Choose to act that way. Think, “What would love do right now?” and do that. 

4. Find the lesson in everything.

If things are “happening to you” you might want to ask yourself, “What do I need to work on?” or, “What is this about?” Answer the question and get to working on those parts of you right away. There are lessons in everything. 

5. Don't turn to revenge.

Thoughts of getting revenge lower your positive vibrations. When you seek revenge against someone, you put your energy into them and give them the power.

6. Get some perspective.

If life is challenging, gain some perspective.  Whatever you're going through is just a part of your life, not your entire life. You are not your circumstances. This too will pass. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

7. Have a love affair with yourself.

Loving ourselves is the MOST important thing we can do. It's so important because we'll make loving decisions, and we have real love to give and to spread into the world. Imagine what it would feel like if you were as kind to yourself as you were to others.  It would be miraculous how much love you'll have to give.

Remember these ways to forgive someone, and use them to be free from the anger you’re holding.

Use them in case of a forgiveness or anger emergency.

5 Ways to Stay Independent & Maintain a Strong Relationship

By Summer Rayne Oakes

As a strong, independent woman, I recognize the need for autonomy in my own life — in and out of a romantic relationship. And as a close friend of Kate’s — who is another self-reliant, freethinking individual — I couldn’t help but inquire about how she manages being a wife and mother. “I am still working through the transition,” she confided. “[I realized] we had to be partners and get past the love part. The love part becomes the foundation you rely on when things get tough.”

After the conversation, we came up with five ways to be autonomous while maintaining a strong relationship. Ironically, I feel that preserving some of your independence only gives a relationship more strength, spontaneity and longevity.

1. Take a time out. 

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in a relationship, particularly if you're spending your time tending to the needs of other people and forgetting your own. When you identify this, do yourself a favor and take a time out. Go read a book, take a walk in the park, get a massage, or even take a hot shower to have some quiet time.

2. Don’t forget your friends.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they never see you anymore ever since you’ve been hitched? The strong bond you build with your friends is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. After all, to whom can you turn if the waters get a little turbulent with your significant other? Make the time for close friends — even if it’s one day a week. A girl’s or guy’s night out may just be the recipe for a successful relationship in the long run. 

3. Have your own hobbies.

As much as it's important to have activities that you do with one another, it's also vital to maintain your own sense of self through activities that speak to your individuality. Perhaps you and your counterpart love to run together, but he or she can’t stand yoga. That’s ok. Explore the activities that bring you together and don’t be afraid to continue to do the ones that give you a sense of self. 

4. Have some alone time.

Beyond taking a time out, it's important to give yourself an extended vacation from life once in a while. “I need a lot of time by myself to recharge,” Kate admits. This may mean taking a retreat away to another city or training for a triathlon or half-marathon, which gives you an extended amount of time to let your mind wander. 

5. Communicate openly. 

Communicating openly with your loved one is far and away the most important aspect to the health and longevity of any relationship. Even if you don't see eye-to-eye all the time, there's an undeniable power behind telling your counterpart when you feel as if you need time away. This will only add to a deeper understanding of your needs, and often will result in a compromise that you can both agree on. 

10 Wasted Years!

10 Wasted Years!

…or 5 wasted years….21 wasted years!

I’ve heard it before: you’re at the end of a relationship and suddenly all the years of intimacy, giggles, tears, and trials have become a huge WASTE.

Wait a minute! A waste? Really? Sounds to me like your years have been years LIVED…explored…endured…enjoyed…an experience that you shouldn’t negate because now your journey is at an end and you are facing transition.

Change can be intimidating – even scary – but that doesn’t diminish your life experiences! An end (and consequently a new beginning) is a time to reflect upon and thank and cherish the time spent with your partner.

You haven’t wasted anything – you’ve experienced LIFE…you’ve loved, shared, and grown. You’ve been on a journey…embrace it.

Don’t let your journey become blinded by the destination.

The destination is but a fleeting moment but the journey is your life.

You own your journey…You don’t own the destination.

~J. Charest

Do you want to be right or happy?

By Mike Goulding

I love the phrase, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?Maybe you have an uncle who constantly engages you in heated discussions about politics when you obviously have a different opinion. Or maybe you and a friend have a very different idea about what happened with a past issue. You've tried to convince her many times before and she's not seeing it your way. 

It's time to give up winning the argument and start taking charge of the situation by taking charge of yourself. 

 

When you feel the urge to defend yourself against the ridiculous point your relative has just made, you can use the Peace Survival Kit and take an Aikido approach instead.  

Aikido is a Japanese martial art (also known as the art of peace) that empowers people to protect themselves without having to hurt other people. These techniques can be applied to verbal confrontations with others. 

 

So going back to your argumentative relative, you can use the three steps in an Aikido move in your verbal differences: 

• Evade
• Align 
• Enter

Evade: Let the other person’s behavior go by once or twice to see if he stops on his own.

 

Align: Let the other person know that you want to be on her side by validating points and showing her that you're at least hearing what she's saying. (This does not mean you have to agree with everything.)

 

Enter: Establish boundaries by stating the behavior you expect from the other person.

 

Let’s apply this to a situation you might encounter.

 

Your Relative: I see you're still on that silly vegetarian diet.

You: [Evade by saying something to give permission for the conversation to move onto something else.] I actually have more energy now. How does your son like his new job?

 

Your Relative: You see, there we go again.

You: [Align.] I hear you in that we have different views about what to eat. I would really like to have a peaceful visit with you and make it more comfortable for everyone else here.

 

Your Relative: All the vegetarians I know are crazy. Who brainwashed you? 

You: [Enter.] I’m going to have to stop this conversation if it stays on this course. I would appreciate you dropping this old argument that we've not been able to resolve and at least be polite to one another.

 

Did you see what happened there? Instead of trying to defend yourself against the comments you are now managing yourself in a way that is not attacking the other person. You walk away at peace with knowing that you did the best you could to keep the situation peaceful with your relative.  

It does not matter what the other person does after that, but often times he/she responds to your self-mastery that is positive for everyone.  When the other person does not respond in a positive way then there is a better chance to get the support of others in the room as a bonus benefit of your self-mastery.

 

The Aikido principle of yielding and overcoming is played out here. By not participating in the argument, you win with the potential of everyone else around you winning too. 

 

The Art of Lovemaking

By Elizabeth Rocchino

When you think of sex, you probably think of the act of release. What, then, is lovemaking? And is it more fulfilling than sex alone? 

 

Let me introduce you to the concept of lovemaking where two souls exchange energies. Human beings are made up of many layers of vibrating energy, each with its own specific vibration and purpose. The physical part of us is created from and sustained by, it’s energetic layers. 

It's an amazing vessel in which we as a soul can experience the physical plane of existence.

 

The same concept applies to making love. What we're really doing is exchanging energies, your energies and your partner’s. It’s like alchemy that, when engaged together in love through the connection of the vital source (the divine) can open and heal the mind, body, heart and soul. 

Our physical body is the part of ourselves that we are usually most familiar with because we can directly experience it as an apparently solid physical form. However, it's good to keep in mind that we're actually created from the energies of our body, which is greatly influenced by our emotions and thoughts. 

Therefore, sex is an energetic exchange and sharing not just a means to release or the satisfaction of the body but an exchange of energy. Your body may be satisfied, but if it remains on a purely physical level, you'll only experience a pure high and miss out on a higher connection to the source. Real fulfillment cannot be achieved through the body alone as it's transitory. This means it is temporary.

 

Lovemaking happens when you are fully aware that you are a body and soul, not just a physical body. It is then that lovemaking becomes the opportunity for the soul through the vehicle of your body to interchange, communicate and express love as a gift to one another. 

When you give yourself to your partner sexually with love as the foundation, you no longer see your partner as a separate self or simply as another body of flesh. It is then that the love shifts to a deeper state and your lovemaking moved to a spiritual level. The act becomes a sacred communion and the illusion of separation between you and your partner disseminates and you emerge as ONE.

 

Once you become aware that you and your partner are no longer bodies but souls, you can then allow each other’s body to serve as a temple becoming the portal into a deeper connection of the Infinite or divine. It is at this point that love energy is felt and becomes in the truest sense Lovemaking. 

You are both sharing the love in that present moment. So, be fully present and learn to surrender and set yourself free from expectations or what society has set as examples. This is in turn creates freedom.

 

The act of lovemaking entails that we surrender ourselves or become vulnerable, not just to your partner but also to the Divine that is living within us all. And remember, that lovemaking is positive and beautiful. 

The cells of our body respond to our emotional state. High frequency, positive emotions like love, happinessand joy create the optimum environment for generating strong, healthy cells, while lower frequency emotions like fear, anger, doubt etc tend to have the reverse effect. So enjoy, let go and be present.

 

True lovemaking happens when you realize, embrace and embody that you are LOVE.

Emotional Manipulation: What happened to my fairy tale?

You met, had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married. In your haste to begin your Once-Upon-A-Time marriage you missed the fact that you had just married a narcissist and would soon begin a journey into an unbalanced relationship filled with emotional manipulation.

During your courtship, your consummately self-centered boyfriend became infatuated with you - the object of his desire – and the more desirable you appeared, the more intense his campaign to win your affections. This infatuated narcissist was amazing…his romantic overtures happened too quickly and contained such an emotional conviction that you couldn’t help but be swept off your feet…and why not? You were complemented, given gifts, received thoughtful gestures, and were constantly reminded of the similarities between the two of you.

With the ring on your finger you began to realize, through nagging feelings, that, although, you were technically married, you were not actually a couple. Couples are equal partners who share responsibilities, support one another and take turns being the one who requires tender loving care. Unfortunately, in your relationship, your partner is self-absorbed and the scale is always tipped in his direction; He assumes he is the focal point of the marriage. He hates it when you are unavailable to him. And when you are – watch out…I bet he likes to have his power over you. To ensure he can maintain this power he will use emotional, verbal, economic and/or even sexual abuse.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly, experience emotional pain, bear chronic physical pain, and still not understand why. You may believe your spouse when he tells you that you are the problem…that if you just changed and did the things he wanted, well, life would be great…. For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his shiny marital toolbox because it works for him. You are not in a partnership because your narcissist doesn’t know what that means… he is self-centered, lacks empathy and feels entitled to have what he wants when he wants it.

He may throw tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants…he yells, patronizes, says hurtful things…. or he gives you the silent treatment. Your self-esteem begins to plunge and the anxiety begins to swirl.

Wait a minute, you think…my spouse was never diagnosed with any mental health problems…certainly not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please realize that narcissistic tendencies or symptoms can occur in varying degrees. Don’t put on a fake grin and bear it because in the beginning things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had met your Prince Charming…you were so enamored with his phone calls, flowers, dinners, and quality time together. Don’t think that if only you could ‘get it right’ or do everything he asks that you could get those days back. He might act like he did every now and again to keep you hooked and keep you believing that you're about to rediscover the fairy tale…but he is only seducing you….again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he cannot change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Rather than feeling closer to him have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him? There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual that you haven’t realized what was happening. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and defeat another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. It’s like brain washing because it wears away at your self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in your own perceptions and self-concept. Whether through berating, belittling, or under the guise of ‘guidance, teaching or advice,’ the results are the same. This emotional manipulation cuts to the very core creating scars that are far deeper and lasting than physical ones.

If you recognize yourself as being in an abusive relationship know that you have the right to seek help, to have your feelings acknowledged as real, to be heard, and, most importantly, the right to live free from emotional or physical threats.