Should I have broken up with my ex?

Breakups are the pits. I’ve been through it and it’s never fun.

The worst part is the nagging doubt that creeps in…often running circles in your mind…questioning your decision to move on.

Should you have ended it?

Rather than telling yourself not to think about it (good luck with that), ask yourself these questions to productively process if giving the relationship a second go is worth it.

1.  Are you in love with him or the idea of him?

Sometimes there’s a desire for an actual person, and other times there’s a desire to have a person fill the loneliness. And that’s okay. I don’t believe we’re really wired to be alone. Pay attention to your feelings and see if they are coming from a place of clarity. Sometimes getting caught up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text or having someone to take to an upcoming party causes you to lose perspective.

If you don't think it's just loneliness, really consider the qualities your person has. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportion in our minds; Are the things you love about this man reality, or just longing for who you desire him to be? What specifically do you miss?

2. What were the reasons that led you to break up in the first place?

You might miss him now, but there was a reason to end the relationship in the first place. Was it over something substantial like infidelity or religious beliefs? Has anything happened to make you think those issues have been resolved?
Did you have lousy communication?

Remind yourself of how those difficulties made you feel. That leads into the next question -

3. What would a relationship with him look like now?

If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he's on one coast and you're on the other, is that something you're willing to make work? And if a larger mitigating factor, such as distance, isn't an issue, then assess if you're really ready for a fresh relationship. Sure, you know the guy already. Getting back together can be a fresh start, but it also doesn't magically fix lingering issues you had from your previous attempt.

4. Do you see a future together?

It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leading up to the breakup (or even post-breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one: whether or not there's a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. If you're going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.

Answer these questions honestly. Also, your ex is not the last man left on earth. You may be feeling sadness, regret or guilt now,  but try and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

And if there is a chance to rekindle…by all means go for it! I believe in second chances (as long as no hard boundaries were crossed).

Deployments and Military Family Communication

By Erin Sahlstein

(Edited)

Deployments and Military Family Communication

Military families are experiencing frequent wartime deployments and other military-related separations that put a strain on their communication and relationships. These separations are stressful not only for military service members that deploy, but for the family members they leave behind, in particular military wives. The wives said that the time leading up to a deployment is an uncertain and somewhat powerless time. Wives often do not know when and where their husbands will deploy, and they have many questions about how the deployment will affect them personally, their spouses, and their families. Although they feel some relief after hearing where their husbands will deploy, the departure date often fluctuates, leaving family members feeling a bit like they are on a roller coaster. Wives are also scared about the future of their marriages (e.g., “How will we maintain our marriage?”) before their husbands deploy. In order to deal with these unknowns, wives sometimes show excitement and support for their husbands, while other times they distance themselves by starting arguments, giving the silent treatment, or starting to communicate their independence. Once their husbands deploy, however, new issues arise. During the actual separation, wives ask many questions about how to stay connected to their husbands while also living their own lives. More common is when wives decide to become single parents of sorts, creating new rules and routines with the children (which may work during separation, but can create transition problems later). Some wives decide to explore new careers, focus on their physical health, or move back home to be near family and friends. Other wives focus more on their marriages and keeping their husbands involved in their lives by, for example, reading books together, talking to one another each day, or scheduling to pray at the same time. Although many couples can and do agree on how to deal with their time apart, some couples do not. Wives might want more independence, while their husbands don't want things to change too much while they are gone. Husbands and wives should talk about what they want and expect during deployment and be open to changes in their interactions, relationships, and their spouses. After service members return from deployment, the reunion phase is a happy time for most. Many couples take vacations together, and experience a honeymoon period for four to six weeks. Although some couples make the transition relatively easily, many of the wives we interviewed said they had problems communicating with their husbands. Military couples might find themselves struggling to know how, when, and what to communicate with one another once they are back together. We found through our research that when husbands return they struggle with what to disclose, because they know they could be deployed again and do not want their wives to worry or imagine similar situations in the future. The wives struggle with what and how much they want to hear about their husbands' deployment, as well as what to share with their husbands about their time apart. While some couples agree to tell one another everything, other couples struggle with this decision. Some husbands want to talk about the harsh realities of war whereas their wives do not want to hear such things. In other couples, the wives want to talk but their husbands do not. Communication across the various phases of a deployment is difficult for many military couples and their children. They often end up communicating in the extremes (too much or too little, for example). Military families should remember to use flexible communication that addresses their needs at different times. There are several online resources for families seeking information to help guide them through the challenges of military life. Military couples should also remember that their difficulties communicating are not necessarily due to problems in their marriages. Communication around and about deployment is significantly affected by the military. When having troubles in their marriages, military spouses might ask questions, such as “What am I doing wrong?” or “Why is he acting this way?” when they should also ask, “How is being in the military affecting our relationship?” or “Is my spouse in control of how s/he is talking to me right now?” The military has formal and informal rules about what can be talked about. Some information is classified, and there is a culture of silence that might influence service members, particularly men, to hold back from talking to their families. Military service members are given the double burden of experiencing combat and not being consistently supported in talking about it. Although when service members talk to supportive family and friends they often deal with their jobs better, many of them don't feel comfortable sharing their fears or negative experiences because they think coworkers and family members might see them as weak. Family members, in particular, can help alleviate these feelings by showing support for the service member and giving them opportunities to talk without judgment. Recognizing that communication is not entirely under the service members' control should help military couples place less blame on each other and hopefully help them navigate the stages of deployment a bit easier. Each deployment phase has its unique communication concerns, and each branch of the military has its own support services for managing deployments. Military spouses and children can also access online support services that address their unique perspectives. By paying attention to these issues as well as how to transition from phase to phase with flexibility, military families can better manage these challenging separations.

If not you...

If not you…

If you’re not the one providing your partner with validation, affirmation, and/or reassurance I can guarantee you that someone else will.

Once your partner begins to feel that s/he can’t trust you with daily activities, frustrations, inner thoughts and fears then expect disconnection and disengagement to strengthen.

For example:

A comes home from work and expresses a concern that (pick one: he’s about to be fired, he feels your connection has weakened, or he doubts his abilities in general).

You (Y) dismiss his concerns, or tell him he’s being foolish, or ignore his concerns and without providing validation begin talking about your own problems.

A stops sharing.

Remember…if not you then someone else will be available to replace the need that you haven’t or won’t meet.

A goes to the gym to let off steam. There he runs into S. S begins to ask how he’s been lately and A opens up about a concern. S listens. S affirms. S reassures.

A becomes less inclined to open and share with Y because, based on past experience, he believes Y does not care and will reject his need for emotional closeness, validation, etc. Instead, A waits until he sees S again and seeks the emotional support that S is willing to provide. An emotional bond has begun.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Love means listening to your partner and being available, present and mindful when your partner needs you. Love means making the choice to support your partner. Love means making your partner a priority.

If you don’t make the choice to listen to your partner then someone else will.

Love at First Sight

My story isn’t one of love at first sight. We didn’t meet for two weeks after our first contact. But our constant communication, mutual respect, and friendship allowed the attraction to grow. It wasn’t rainbows and fireworks. It was butterflies and poetry. It was something more enduring.

I’m always interested to hear a couples’ story when they first come in. How did you meet? Sometimes I’m told, “we hated each other,” or “our friends set us up.” Connecting the dots from that first sight to those darkest moments is navigation over tricky terrain. I’m invited in to a tale of vulnerable intimacy that weaves through moments of lightness and crosses bridges of pain and fear.

Ultimately, when a couple sits across from me it’s because they both want to reconnect. They yearn for that happily-ever-after-dream of endless love and effortless communication. I always say that my magic wand is out of batteries, but if two people have a drop-in-the-bucket of relationship hope and are ready to put in the effort to rebuild their foundation I will do my best to guide them to living their dream.

I’ve heard that “love shouldn’t be work.” Loving someone isn’t work – it’s the expression of your love that is work. It’s work to meet your partner’s needs and work to let your partner know when you have needs that are crying to be met. On some level I believe everyone is seeking true love. Here’s what I know: -

1. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

 Here we are back to the “work” of love. Many people confuse the feelings of love with the actions of loving your partner. It’s not always easy to validate your partner when feelings are diminished.

2. The feeling of love can be cultivated, even if it wasn’t strong at first sight.

“I love him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him” If you have a strong relationship foundation feelings can be grown.

3.  Attraction is more than skin deep.

It’s a lie to think there is a “type.” Most people realize that skin-deep attraction doesn’t have a long shelf life.  Focus on the qualities you want in a relationship and see if your partner wants the same – create a mutual attraction of connection and kindness that can sustain a lifetime of loving.

4. Decide to open your heart.

Coming back to the idea that love shouldn’t have to be work; this is a lie. The action of love is work. Overcoming fear is work; overcoming doubt is work; overcoming communication barriers is work. When you learn how to address barriers to love you can push aside internal judgment and open to love.

The love you want is possible. The relationship you desire is possible. Turn off the romantic comedies and close the books on happily-ever-after and turn to your partner and open your heart. Look at the person. Identify the qualities that fulfill you and make your heart sing. Create your own shared love song.

L