Why an apology isn't enough

Why you want an apology and Why it's not enough

by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé 

When you ask someone to apologize, s/he usually collapses and says how sorry they are or gets defensive. Neither response satisfies you.

Most often in asking for an apology, you are really wanting to know that the other person understands what they did that triggered pain for you and that they don't want to do it again.  Shaming someone is the high cost way that attempts to achieve the same result.  (One we have all likely experienced).

A student of mine, Ignacio, recently made this comment, "When I have done something that my partner feels hurt over, what seems to help the most is repeating to her exactly what she said I did and how it affected her."

What happens for Ignacio's partner when he does this is that she starts to feel emotionally safe again hearing that he has understood her experience and how he contributed to it.

To complete this conversation, Ignacio and his partner could talk about what needs were up for both of them in the moment and what each of them could do differently in the future to prevent the painful trigger from arising.

For example, let's imagine that the trigger event was that upon arriving home, Ignacio went directly to the bedroom and didn't greet his partner.  After asking each other about  needs, they realize that she has a need for connection and he has need for rest and grounding.  To meet these needs, he could offer to greet her upon arriving home and she could agree to wait a half hour before handing off the baby, a list of to do's, or starting a conversation, etc.

Another distinction to make here is that Ignacio doesn't "take responsibility", (another thing you might be looking for with an apology), by saying how bad and wrong he was, but rather by saying what he is committed to doing differently in the future.

Ignacio's partner takes responsibility for her reaction by identifying the need underneath it and making a specific request around getting it met.

Putting it all together, here are the basic stepss.

1.  Express what specific behavior triggered you and make a connecting request. Here are some examples of possible connecting requests:

Could you tell me what you are hearing me say?

It really helps me feel connected to know you understand what triggered me, could you tell me what you're hearing triggered me and how I felt when that happened?

I am looking for clarity, not wanting to blame or shame, could you tell me what you are hearing you did that triggered me?

2.    Identify the needs that were up for both of you in that moment.

3.    Brainstorm what you could each do differently to meets those needs in a future situation.

4.    Make a commitment to try something new and check-in about how its working. This week, notice the different forms of apology you experience or watch in other interactions.  Identify when and how an apology moves into the energy of shame and blame and when it creates connection.

Choosing Attachment

By LaShelle Charde
Understanding the necessity of attachment in your life is fundamental to thriving.  The basic psycho-emotional-physiological attachment bond with others is part of what keeps you balanced and feeling whole.  Unfortunately it is not always so easy to discern a healthy attachment bond from co-dependence.

I know I have felt torn, feeling the natural impulse to create a deep bond with my partner, while at the same worrying about losing myself and being co-dependent.

The trick is making it a conscious decision.  Choosing to enter into an attachment bond with someone means trusting your heart and vulnerability to their caretaking while maintaining your own sense of self-responsibility and choice.

Suffering from poor attachment with my parents, I am still learning how to create healthy attachment in relationships. I spent many years in desperate and hurt feelings as the people I dated and befriended weren't able to respond in the way I needed.  In one failed relationship after another I unconsciously lunged towards those that I thought might be able to fulfill this longing.  In the face of such a powerful drive, I had no access to wise discernment.  But slowly over time, with much suffering, reflection, and support the pattern has begun to reveal itself.

There are many resources on attachment, so I won't get into the theory of that here. I have included some resources at the end of the article, if you would like to learn more.

What I want to emphasize here is an affirmation of your drive toward bonding deeply with another in a conscious mindful way.  Choosing to bond with another is a choice you make again and again, moment after moment.  It's not about jumping into the deep end and hoping she or he will catch you.  It's about allowing another to know you deeply and hold you with care from his or her own conscious choosing to do so.

If you have a sense that a healthy attachment bond is missing in your life, you can begin to explore this by taking little steps with people you trust and with whom you have consistent in person contact.  Mentors, therapists, spiritual teachers, and partners are all likely candidates.

Start to notice how you block the bond and how you let it grow.  For myself, one way I notice that I habitually block a bond is by creating a rigidity in my torso, I sit too straight.  I then move my attention away from feeling and into analysis or subtle, but removed, observation.  While I can sometimes gain insight from this maneuver, I do it at cost to the potential bond with the person present.

In addition to your own thoughts, energy, and body, you might also reflect on your use of technology like facebook, twitter, email, movies, and blogs as possible blocks to bonding.  Technology provides channels for information and entertainment.  It may even serve as a periphery support to a real connection, but it can never replace in person human contact. 

Take a moment now and choose one relationship in which you would like to be especially mindful about this week.  Pay close attention to how you hold back and how you let this other person see you and hold you.