I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.

L

Fix the Leak

Drip…drip…drip - sounds of a slow leak under the kitchen sink. The leak goes unnoticed. Water pools. Before you know it that little leak morphs into a major problem.

Similarly sex, or the lack thereof, can become a key obstacle in a happy relationship. Frequency becomes less and less…then one day the couple realizes it’s been two years.

I know that first-time clients can view ‘the couch’ as a daunting, foreign, uncomfortable place. There they are sitting across from me looking for a compassionate ear, but uncertain about topic focus. However, I’ve found that if a couples’ chief complaint involves sporadic sex then I’ll hear about it during the first session.

Over a period of time, problems in a couples’ sexual patterns can erode their sense of connection…it can also breed anger and resentment.

Why do couples stop having sex, and how can they prevent it? I don’t know - I believe the reasons are individual to the couple. However, I can pinpoint a few triggers that I’ve found to be at the foundation of many client cases.

1. Anger and resentment

Which came first? The anger or the apathy? The resentment or the unresponsiveness? Most couples don’t know. Often the anger issues are long-standing and viewed as unresolvable. The couple is distant on many levels. The solution to this is communication. Talk to your partner. Share your concerns calmly and non-defensively to eliminate resentments and resolve the issues.

2.  Exhaustion

Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. And ladies – I’m not just addressing your concerns with childcare, working, going to school and housekeeping…. men get tired too! Many men feel exhausted but don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability by telling their partner how tired they are.

3. Boredom, depression, or mediocre sex

Another reason sex has halted might seem very obvious – the sex isn’t very good. Aside from erectile difficulties or struggles with orgasms, perhaps the sex is boring and routine. Maybe the couples’ sex patterns have doused the spontaneity and excitement. Boredom doesn’t necessarily relate to just the bedroom – one partner may be bored with career, relationship or social life and those feelings of ennui have carried over to the bedroom. In terms of depression, the depressed partner rarely declares, “I’m depressed and I need help.” A depressed person seldom feels sexual. A way to work on improving the quality of sex is to focus on touching and pleasing one another. One exercise, called sensate focus, allows couples to take turns touching one another. The recipient gives feedback about what feels good. The goal of the exercise is to learn where and how to touch your partner so that the most pleasure is experienced. I know I emphasize it a great deal, but verbal communication is crucial for improving the quality of sex. Recapping the day and filling your partner in on all the cute things the kids did is great – just make sure there is time to talk about what you do and don’t like sexually.

4. Issues with initiating sex

Initiation is a delicate balance; when one person approaches the other there is potential for rejection. Repeated rejection can lead to resentment and avoidance.

At times, it may seem like one person is doing all the initiating. If both partners wait obviously there will be no sex. When addressing the topic of rejection be as gentle as possible and include a rain check suggestion, “I’d love to sweetie but my stomach is killing me – can we make love tomorrow instead?” Couples who have a healthy sex life typically say yes to sex…or negotiate different sexual activities or alternate days/times.

5. Foreplay starts before you hit the bedroom

John Gottman, one of my favorite relationship gurus, has found that men who do more housework typically get more sex. Foreplay starts first thing in the morning and never stops…kindness, concern, affection, respect, affirmation, consideration…all forms for foreplay.  Similarly, physical touch and affection can ignite a quick passionate kiss that can be continued later that evening.

6. Appearance or personal hygiene

You’ve been together a few years and maybe she only shaves her legs on the weekend. His trousers are a little snug and he’s taken to wearing sweatpants around the house. Maybe he’s stopped gargling with Scope before kissing or showering before being close. She’s put on weight and fails to maintain her fitness.

These can be difficult issues to discuss with a partner. There is potential for hurt feelings; but if approached with tact and sensitivity you can work together to become attractive to your partner. Some issues are more easily solved than others – it’s easy to brush your teeth or change your granny nightgown, but as anyone over 40 may know – weight loss is more difficult (but achievable).

7. Excessive masturbation to pornography

Primarily an issue for men. Some men turn to Internet pornography and masturbation when they have inconsistent sex in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation – but some issues can develop. Libido for his partner may drop; He may not have the ability to have intercourse with his partner if he masturbated that afternoon; He may compare his partner to the young, slender women on the computer and she may not measure up; His partner may not be as open to the sexual activities presented in porn such as anal sex, threesomes or sex in public. A man whose sexual norm is based on pornography can get out of sync with his actual partner. One solution to this problem is to cease masturbation and Internet porn for 30 days. This will allow his libido for his partner to reset. During those 30 days focus on the other problems with sex and address them. Schedule a sexual frequency that is comfortable for both partners and resume masturbation on your non-partner sex days.

A relationship without sex isn’t necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable to relationship problems than one with regular sex. As for how much sex a healthy couple should be having – that varies. It should be up to the couple to figure that out. It’s normal to reduce frequency the longer you’ve been together. Problems in a relationship like lack of trust, financial issues, parenting, misunderstandings, or anxiety can impact sexual patterns. It becomes cyclic…one can exacerbate the other.  Strive for intimacy to connect you together. I know I harp on ‘date night,’ but with chores and work and kids it’s the only way to recapture those getting-to-know you talks and spontaneity you had while dating.

L

Forgiving an Ex

How I learned to Forgive  my Abusive Ex Boyfriend

by Taraleigh Weathers

I found compassion and then forgiveness for my ex-boyfriend, Bob. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I in no way think his behavior is OK, and I don’t have any desire to see him again or let him know I've forgiven him. I know in my heart and soul I've forgiven him. Carrying around that bag full of anger is really heavy and I got tired.  

I started the forgiveness journey by taking a look at his life. His mom was the child of an affair between a very powerful man and a woman from the wrong side of the tracks. Bob’s mom spent her whole life trying to prove she was worthy. She was told from a very young age that darker-toned people were lower class than lighter-toned people. She told Bob he was to marry a younger Catholic woman who had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Then I come along into Bob’s life: dark-toned, older and Jewish. I blew her mind. She was certain I was there to destroy Bob’s life, and she treated me that way. Bob was torn between wanting to please his mother and his own happiness. This killed him, and he took out his anger on me.  

Knowing this was how I was able to find forgiveness. Bob was suffering. Happy people don’t treat people the way he treated me, and it's not the way his mom treated him. I felt compassion and forgave them both. I send them love and hope one day they can find happiness. 

Forgiving him and his mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go of the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

After forgiving him, I was able to forgive myself for staying in an abusive situation for so long. I saw how I wanted to make him better, how I saw the best in him and ignored the worst, which is why I accepted his behavior for so long. At the time, I thrived on the excitement of the drama. But I wasn’t happy, if I had been, I wouldn’t have put up with a relationship like that. Eventually I was able to feel compassion for myself, and finally forgiveness came.

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

I’ve come up with seven tactics you can put into practice right away to free yourself from the burden of being unable to forgive.

1. Remember that gratitude is the best attitude.

Happiness lies within; it just gets buried sometimes. Instead of looking for happiness from outside circumstances or people, work on being grateful and bring the happiness out from within you. When you play the victim and focus on all the ways the world has done you wrong, you give them the power over your happiness. Start and end your day by writing down 3-5 things you’re grateful for.  

2. Pray.

We're all inherently good people. Happy people don’t hurt other people; only suffering people do. Pray for the happiness of those who have hurt you.

3. Act with love.

When people act with hate toward you and you respond with hatred, you're a part of the problem. You are a being of love and light. Choose to act that way. Think, “What would love do right now?” and do that. 

4. Find the lesson in everything.

If things are “happening to you” you might want to ask yourself, “What do I need to work on?” or, “What is this about?” Answer the question and get to working on those parts of you right away. There are lessons in everything. 

5. Don't turn to revenge.

Thoughts of getting revenge lower your positive vibrations. When you seek revenge against someone, you put your energy into them and give them the power.

6. Get some perspective.

If life is challenging, gain some perspective.  Whatever you're going through is just a part of your life, not your entire life. You are not your circumstances. This too will pass. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

7. Have a love affair with yourself.

Loving ourselves is the MOST important thing we can do. It's so important because we'll make loving decisions, and we have real love to give and to spread into the world. Imagine what it would feel like if you were as kind to yourself as you were to others.  It would be miraculous how much love you'll have to give.

Remember these ways to forgive someone, and use them to be free from the anger you’re holding.

Use them in case of a forgiveness or anger emergency.

Reactive?

Defining Reactivity

Being able to name clearly some key aspects of reactivity as it arises can prevent escalation and keep you grounded.  Reactivity as I am using it in the context of Compassionate Communication refers to any form of disconnect from your own or another's life energy.  The internal experience of reactivity is marked by the following:

• Unconscious contraction or collapse of your body and energy
• An inability to consciously consider and evaluate multiple views of a given situation.
• A loss of awareness and honor of your own needs and/or the needs of others.
• A lack of willingness to seek or accept feedback from others.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but rather some of the basic categories.  What else do you notice in your experience of reactivity?

On the outside, reactive behaviors can be categorized into four types: defend, attack, submit, and withdraw.

• Defend:  in defending you offer all the good reasons you have for doing what you did and try to show that you are not wrong or bad.
• Attack: when attacking you make a case for how the other person is wrong or bad in some way.
• Submit:  when you submit, you believe and take on others' negative judgments of you and apologetically take the blame regardless of your true responsibility.
• Withdraw.  In withdrawing you find yourself moving away or shutting down, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally.

In which of the four reactions, defend, attack, submit, or withdraw, do you most often find yourself?  With what body language, behavior, thoughts, and words, do you express that reaction?  Once you notice you are in reaction what is your de-escalating strategy?

Practice
At least one time this week notice when you find yourself in one of these reactions. See if you can watch the reaction without acting from it. Then start guessing the thoughts, feelings and needs that are alive for you underneath the reaction (self-empathy). After connecting with your feelings and needs decide what action/request you want to make of yourself or someone else to meet your needs.

LaShelle Charde

Is surppressed anger making you sick?

BY COURTNEY PROSSER

In its purest form, anger is concentrated balls of fire that bubble up from our depths. These balls of fire are our deepest passions, our life force, our fuel for change and one of the most useful superpowers available to us in life!

Suppress your fire and you mute your power as a human being. You may also be making yourself unwell and unhappy. At the core of much unhappiness, cancers, inflammatory responses and autoimmune diseases is suppressed anger that hasn't been released.

My past tendency with fire was to suppress it; I used to be addicted to being the helpful peacemaker. I loved the identity of being cool with everything. My mind would say, “Yeah that's fine, no problem, I'm cool with that,” yet at the same time my gizzards were firing up and saying “Hell no, that's not fair, what about me, back off buddy”. 

Unfortunately, the backlog of fire would eventually burst out through a passive-aggressive look, an outburst of defiance or aninflamed body part! Sound familiar?

Over the years, through trial and error and making lots of so-called mistakes along the way, I've slowly learned to love my fire. It only took a few burned relationships and some mild chronic inflammatory illness to finally wake up! 

So here's what I have learned about mastering your anger and, in turn 

1. Stop.

Think of the last time you flashed red with anger. Stop, open, breathe and welcome the fire energy to continue to move through you. Let anger be your signal to stop circling in the story and fully open to the energy that has been triggered. Directly experience the fire without the story.

2. Try indirect expression.

You may need to physically move a strong charge of fire before you can express it clearly. So find a safe space and move your body, breathe, dance, breathe, run, breathe, sing, breathe, scream into a pillow or roar like a tiger to release the charge of energy. Did I mention breathe? Write a letter without sending it, in order to release what you're feeling.

3. Follow up with direct expression. 

Anger alerts us to what bothers us, so express with honesty how you feel about an angering situation. A great way to do this is to own your feelings (I feel...) and speak in terms of your passion. Let the person know what's important to you, rather than attacking what the object of your anger has done or said. Practice mastering the fine balance between aggressive, assertive and passive communication. Give yourself room for error.

4. Own your anger.

Acknowledge the mirror that other people's words and actions reflect about ourselves. Acknowledge where you may have treated yourself in a similar way and thus attracted the same behavior externally. This requires you to take responsibility for the feelings that have been triggered in a situation.

5. Change. 

Use the fire energy as fuel to make any changes in your relationships, career and personal life that align you with your true passions.

Let your fire unleash with acceptance, honesty, maturity and love, and enjoy the health and happiness it creates.

The Alarms: Anger, Guilt & Shame

Lashelle Charde


Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that important needs are up and that you are are engaging in "should" thinking.  While it's important to feel and name anger, guilt, and shame; it's equally important not to take action from them. These alarm feelings are your cue to pause and reflect on your thinking and your needs.


Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.


Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.


Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs

Let go of grudges and feel better

By Steve Sisgold

 

If you've ever been dumped by a lover, demoted by a boss, or hurt or bullied by an old classmate, did you hold onto hateful thoughts or even carry revengeful actions out on them to get even or even feel better? It wouldn't be surprising if you did either of them, since we watch so many movies and feel so good when the good guy gets even with the villain.
However, new research is shining light on who actually gets hurt the most by carrying grudges and having prolonged hateful thoughts. According to Duke University, Univ. of Tennessee, and Stanford University, "Holding onto hurts, grudges, annoyances, pet peeves or old wounds hurts the body, especially when the memories are triggered by current life events." They confirmed a physiological link between negative emotional states like revengeful thinking and actions and how it produces stress on the body. They found that stress from revenge or hateful thoughts also lowers the immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to illness and asserts that, "People who are able to forgive can actually modify their heart rate, lower their blood pressure, decrease physical pain and even relieve their depression." Harvard Women's Health Watch also reported findings on how forgiveness instead of hate or holding on to grudges can benefit your mental and physical health. 

           

Two people who know a lot about the healing power of forgiveness are authors Master Charles Cannon and Will Wilkinson, who wrote a revolutionary new book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, How Survivors of the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Answered Hatred With Love.

Cannon, a Vedic Monk with a nonprofit foundation based in Virginia, told me about how he chose forgiveness over hate in Mumbai when he and 24 of his associates, visiting ashrams throughout India, found themselves under siege in the Oberoi, a five star hotel in Mumbai. "We all could have died," he admitted, " and two in our group did. Another four were injured. But, still, that didn't mean we couldn't forgive the terrorists."

He explained why they chose love instead of hate. "It wasn't about denying what we felt," Master Charles explained. "It was horrible. We were afraid and terrified! Who wouldn't be? And when we learned the fate of our dear friends, we were deeply, deeply saddened. But the question remained, How would we choose to be in relation to what happened? Would we assume the role of victims who wanted our attackers to be punished? Or, could we make another choice? We did. We chose to answer with love, instead of hatred. We refused to let the terrorists control us and make us be just like them and we felt better for that choice"

News reports of other recent disasters have featured similar extraordinary gestures of forgiveness that made the victims feel better. When gunman Charles Roberts killed five young girls in an Amish school shooting in Pennsylvania, Amish community members chose to comfort Roberts' widow and even set up a charitable fund for the shooter's family. Azim Khamisa's son Tariqu was murdered in a gang-related incident but Azim chose to forgive rather than to seek revenge. He has since written four books and now offers public presentations and corporate seminars around the world on the power of forgiveness.

Is there a secret to forgiving the unforgivable? "It's all about who we choose to be in response to violence," Cannon believes. "If we retaliate with anger and vengeance then we've let another person control how we act and feel."

While most of us will never need to match the heroics of the Amish community or Cannon or Khamisa, we can learn how to forgive in our everyday lives. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy and let go of stress, anger and pain you may be holding onto. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of improved physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.