Deployments and Military Family Communication

By Erin Sahlstein

(Edited)

Deployments and Military Family Communication

Military families are experiencing frequent wartime deployments and other military-related separations that put a strain on their communication and relationships. These separations are stressful not only for military service members that deploy, but for the family members they leave behind, in particular military wives. The wives said that the time leading up to a deployment is an uncertain and somewhat powerless time. Wives often do not know when and where their husbands will deploy, and they have many questions about how the deployment will affect them personally, their spouses, and their families. Although they feel some relief after hearing where their husbands will deploy, the departure date often fluctuates, leaving family members feeling a bit like they are on a roller coaster. Wives are also scared about the future of their marriages (e.g., “How will we maintain our marriage?”) before their husbands deploy. In order to deal with these unknowns, wives sometimes show excitement and support for their husbands, while other times they distance themselves by starting arguments, giving the silent treatment, or starting to communicate their independence. Once their husbands deploy, however, new issues arise. During the actual separation, wives ask many questions about how to stay connected to their husbands while also living their own lives. More common is when wives decide to become single parents of sorts, creating new rules and routines with the children (which may work during separation, but can create transition problems later). Some wives decide to explore new careers, focus on their physical health, or move back home to be near family and friends. Other wives focus more on their marriages and keeping their husbands involved in their lives by, for example, reading books together, talking to one another each day, or scheduling to pray at the same time. Although many couples can and do agree on how to deal with their time apart, some couples do not. Wives might want more independence, while their husbands don't want things to change too much while they are gone. Husbands and wives should talk about what they want and expect during deployment and be open to changes in their interactions, relationships, and their spouses. After service members return from deployment, the reunion phase is a happy time for most. Many couples take vacations together, and experience a honeymoon period for four to six weeks. Although some couples make the transition relatively easily, many of the wives we interviewed said they had problems communicating with their husbands. Military couples might find themselves struggling to know how, when, and what to communicate with one another once they are back together. We found through our research that when husbands return they struggle with what to disclose, because they know they could be deployed again and do not want their wives to worry or imagine similar situations in the future. The wives struggle with what and how much they want to hear about their husbands' deployment, as well as what to share with their husbands about their time apart. While some couples agree to tell one another everything, other couples struggle with this decision. Some husbands want to talk about the harsh realities of war whereas their wives do not want to hear such things. In other couples, the wives want to talk but their husbands do not. Communication across the various phases of a deployment is difficult for many military couples and their children. They often end up communicating in the extremes (too much or too little, for example). Military families should remember to use flexible communication that addresses their needs at different times. There are several online resources for families seeking information to help guide them through the challenges of military life. Military couples should also remember that their difficulties communicating are not necessarily due to problems in their marriages. Communication around and about deployment is significantly affected by the military. When having troubles in their marriages, military spouses might ask questions, such as “What am I doing wrong?” or “Why is he acting this way?” when they should also ask, “How is being in the military affecting our relationship?” or “Is my spouse in control of how s/he is talking to me right now?” The military has formal and informal rules about what can be talked about. Some information is classified, and there is a culture of silence that might influence service members, particularly men, to hold back from talking to their families. Military service members are given the double burden of experiencing combat and not being consistently supported in talking about it. Although when service members talk to supportive family and friends they often deal with their jobs better, many of them don't feel comfortable sharing their fears or negative experiences because they think coworkers and family members might see them as weak. Family members, in particular, can help alleviate these feelings by showing support for the service member and giving them opportunities to talk without judgment. Recognizing that communication is not entirely under the service members' control should help military couples place less blame on each other and hopefully help them navigate the stages of deployment a bit easier. Each deployment phase has its unique communication concerns, and each branch of the military has its own support services for managing deployments. Military spouses and children can also access online support services that address their unique perspectives. By paying attention to these issues as well as how to transition from phase to phase with flexibility, military families can better manage these challenging separations.

The Tragic Cycle of "Overwhelm & Withdraw"

The Tragic Cycle of Overwhelm & Withdraw

adapted from LaShelle Charde

If you often feel overwhelmed and have a tendency to withdraw when stressed, then you may be wearing the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" face and inadvertently contribute to a reactive cycle.  

A gentle, engaging, and welcoming response from others is the best medicine for someone who has the reactive habit of feeling overwhelmed and withdrawing.  Unfortunately, the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" facial expression is one of the least likely ways to get this response.

The "O & E" face may reveal blank and frozen eyes, a lack of facial expression and a stiff body posture.   

When you wear the expression of overwhelmed/withdrawn, others often think one or more of the following:  

• You don't want connection and would rather be left alone.
• It will be a lot of work to connect with you.
• You will be boring.
• You think you are better than everyone else.

Acting on these thoughts others are more likely to forget you, ignore you, or avoid you.  This experience then reinforces the idea that you don't belong in the world, the world isn't a safe place to be you, and it is better to withdraw. Here begins the cyclic faulty thought reactive pattern.

You can intervene with this cycle in at least three ways:

First, practice noticing how you are holding your face and body. Invite yourself to soften, relax, and open your posture and energy.  

Second, anticipate events in which you are most likely to move into the overwhelm/withdraw reaction.  As you enter the event, practice engaging with others despite the impulse to withdraw.  Engagement can be as simple as making eye contact, smiling, walking towards others, saying "hello," and sitting without legs or arms crossed.

Third, out yourself whenever you can.  Let others know that you feel a bit overwhelmed and even though you might look like you aren't wanting to connect, you really welcome connection and are glad to be with the group.  This last bit of expressing what's really going on for you, is the fastest way to create a bridge between you and those around you.

Practice

If overwhelm and withdraw is a common pattern for you choose one of the three interventions listed above to practice with this week.  If this pattern describes someone you know, find one time this week to offer a gentle, engaging, and welcoming phrase or gesture.

Do you want to be right or happy?

By Mike Goulding

I love the phrase, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?Maybe you have an uncle who constantly engages you in heated discussions about politics when you obviously have a different opinion. Or maybe you and a friend have a very different idea about what happened with a past issue. You've tried to convince her many times before and she's not seeing it your way. 

It's time to give up winning the argument and start taking charge of the situation by taking charge of yourself. 

 

When you feel the urge to defend yourself against the ridiculous point your relative has just made, you can use the Peace Survival Kit and take an Aikido approach instead.  

Aikido is a Japanese martial art (also known as the art of peace) that empowers people to protect themselves without having to hurt other people. These techniques can be applied to verbal confrontations with others. 

 

So going back to your argumentative relative, you can use the three steps in an Aikido move in your verbal differences: 

• Evade
• Align 
• Enter

Evade: Let the other person’s behavior go by once or twice to see if he stops on his own.

 

Align: Let the other person know that you want to be on her side by validating points and showing her that you're at least hearing what she's saying. (This does not mean you have to agree with everything.)

 

Enter: Establish boundaries by stating the behavior you expect from the other person.

 

Let’s apply this to a situation you might encounter.

 

Your Relative: I see you're still on that silly vegetarian diet.

You: [Evade by saying something to give permission for the conversation to move onto something else.] I actually have more energy now. How does your son like his new job?

 

Your Relative: You see, there we go again.

You: [Align.] I hear you in that we have different views about what to eat. I would really like to have a peaceful visit with you and make it more comfortable for everyone else here.

 

Your Relative: All the vegetarians I know are crazy. Who brainwashed you? 

You: [Enter.] I’m going to have to stop this conversation if it stays on this course. I would appreciate you dropping this old argument that we've not been able to resolve and at least be polite to one another.

 

Did you see what happened there? Instead of trying to defend yourself against the comments you are now managing yourself in a way that is not attacking the other person. You walk away at peace with knowing that you did the best you could to keep the situation peaceful with your relative.  

It does not matter what the other person does after that, but often times he/she responds to your self-mastery that is positive for everyone.  When the other person does not respond in a positive way then there is a better chance to get the support of others in the room as a bonus benefit of your self-mastery.

 

The Aikido principle of yielding and overcoming is played out here. By not participating in the argument, you win with the potential of everyone else around you winning too. 

 

I can't stop analyzing!

by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé 

"I drive myself crazy analyzing everything."

I have heard this often from clients and students. I'm guessing most of you have had the experience of analyzing and reanalyzing a painful event and realized that you felt just as bad after all your analysis.

You have likely been taught to think your way through life's challenges. How often in all your years of formal schooling were you asked what feelings and needs were up for you?

You have likely been trained to trust your skills in analysis and problem solving rather than connecting with what's alive in your heart.

NVC offers a radical new approach:

The most effective way to live with clarity and joy is to connect with what's alive in the moment.

This means observing your experience without analysis or judgment. Instead, connect with your experience by identifying the feelings and needs alive in you and others. Act to honor and meet all needs present.This doesn't require the hard work of analysis, but rather the courage and intention to bring your awareness to your heart again and again.Doing this practice a little each day you start to trust your heart more than your head.You eventually realize that your heart gives you continuous feedback about how to live fully alive!

You can begin this practice by noticing the kinds of questions you are asking yourself.In analysis you are asking questions like:

"How could this happen, where did I go wrong?"

"Why did s/he do that?"

"Who's fault is it?"

In connecting with your heart or the heart of others, you are asking questions like:

"What am I feeling?"

"What needs are alive for me?"

"What happened or what did I tell myself that stimulated these needs?"

"What do I want to do to meet these needs?"

"What needs might have been alive for him or her when s/he did that?"

No analysis necessary.

Analysis and problem solving are habits of mind.Habitual thought, is a powerful thing. And it takes a strong intention and plenty of reminders to remember to watch it. The good news is that you get to choose how you think and what you think.

You can turn your mind to what gives life – feelings, needs, actions based on needs.

To practice this, set an hourly alarm on your watch, cell phone or computer. Each time you hear it, stop and notice content and flavor of your thoughts. Then ask, "Are these thoughts making my heart sing with aliveness?"

You may not get an answer at first. That's okay, your heart needs time and attention to open and reveal itself, especially if its not use to being asked.

Keep asking and little by little your heart will open and you will connect with a whole other level of intelligence.

Asking for the Love You Want

You wouldn't expect to eat one good meal and not have to eat again for the rest of your life, but sometimes the need for love is thought about in this way.  Perhaps you have heard yourself or your partner say, "You, should know I love after all this time.  Why do I have to tell you?"

In the framework of Compassionate Communication, love is a need.  Like all other needs it wants to be met in specific and consistent ways to create a balanced and thriving life.

You can meet your need for love with many people in your life in a variety of ways.  With your partner, however, you likely hope to meet this need in a deeper and more consistent way.  Meeting this need with your partner, and they with you, helps to create the bond that provides a secure foundation for your relationship.

To do this it helps to get more subtle and clear about what most meets your need for love.  It also helps to remember that what meets your need for love isn't necessarily what meets your partner's need for love.  Gary Chapman in his book The 5Love Languages simply and clearly articulates how to tune in to ways your partner's need for love is met.  I highly recommend reading or listening to his book.

You can also start simply with your partner right now.  You might start the conversation by asking if you can try to state all the ways she or he feels most loved by you.  Ask your partner to fill in anything you missed and then switch.

In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, takes this one step farther by having each partner make a list of the specific ways he or she is loved; and then letting their partner choose from the heart two or three things she or he would like to offer in the coming week.

When you and your partner have been together for a long time, it is easy to fall asleep to the subtleties of how each of you are most loved.  You might find yourself drifting toward complacency or just assuming that your partner's need for love is met in the same ways as yours.

This week take time to have the conversation listed above with your partner.  Celebrate the different ways your need for love is met and challenge yourself to meet each other's need in a way you haven't been lately.

LaShelle Charde

Choosing Attachment

By LaShelle Charde
Understanding the necessity of attachment in your life is fundamental to thriving.  The basic psycho-emotional-physiological attachment bond with others is part of what keeps you balanced and feeling whole.  Unfortunately it is not always so easy to discern a healthy attachment bond from co-dependence.

I know I have felt torn, feeling the natural impulse to create a deep bond with my partner, while at the same worrying about losing myself and being co-dependent.

The trick is making it a conscious decision.  Choosing to enter into an attachment bond with someone means trusting your heart and vulnerability to their caretaking while maintaining your own sense of self-responsibility and choice.

Suffering from poor attachment with my parents, I am still learning how to create healthy attachment in relationships. I spent many years in desperate and hurt feelings as the people I dated and befriended weren't able to respond in the way I needed.  In one failed relationship after another I unconsciously lunged towards those that I thought might be able to fulfill this longing.  In the face of such a powerful drive, I had no access to wise discernment.  But slowly over time, with much suffering, reflection, and support the pattern has begun to reveal itself.

There are many resources on attachment, so I won't get into the theory of that here. I have included some resources at the end of the article, if you would like to learn more.

What I want to emphasize here is an affirmation of your drive toward bonding deeply with another in a conscious mindful way.  Choosing to bond with another is a choice you make again and again, moment after moment.  It's not about jumping into the deep end and hoping she or he will catch you.  It's about allowing another to know you deeply and hold you with care from his or her own conscious choosing to do so.

If you have a sense that a healthy attachment bond is missing in your life, you can begin to explore this by taking little steps with people you trust and with whom you have consistent in person contact.  Mentors, therapists, spiritual teachers, and partners are all likely candidates.

Start to notice how you block the bond and how you let it grow.  For myself, one way I notice that I habitually block a bond is by creating a rigidity in my torso, I sit too straight.  I then move my attention away from feeling and into analysis or subtle, but removed, observation.  While I can sometimes gain insight from this maneuver, I do it at cost to the potential bond with the person present.

In addition to your own thoughts, energy, and body, you might also reflect on your use of technology like facebook, twitter, email, movies, and blogs as possible blocks to bonding.  Technology provides channels for information and entertainment.  It may even serve as a periphery support to a real connection, but it can never replace in person human contact. 

Take a moment now and choose one relationship in which you would like to be especially mindful about this week.  Pay close attention to how you hold back and how you let this other person see you and hold you.