Conversation Starters

Want to spend some quality time together, but never sure what to talk about?
Here are some great conversation starters based on ideas from  Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages.

1. What is one of your favorite stories that your parents tell about you?

2. Describe  one of your favorite memories that includes snow.

3. What was something you really wanted but weren't allowed to own as a child/teen?

4. If someone told you that you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do with those 9 minutes?

5. If could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?

6.  Describe the happiest day of your life.

7. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heartbreak or have never loved before?

8. What is the first thing you notice about people?

9.  Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

10. What is your definition of success?

11. If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

12. What is your favorite kind of candy?

13. What would you say is the worst item sold in a store?

14. If you were a serial killer, how would you choose your victims?

15, Which of Snow White's 7 dwarfs describes you best and why? (Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey)

16. What is your number one turn-off in a guy/girl?

17.  What strange pet peeve or fear do you have that no one else has?

18.  What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween?

19. If you could have personally witnessed one even in history, what would you want to have seen?

20.  If you could have any view from your bedroom window, what would it be?

Happy Chatting!
L

Meeting your Partner's Reactivity

Meeting your partner's reactivity is often quite difficult.  You likely find yourself in one of the following scenarios.  Your partner reacts and you react back with defending, attacking, submitting, or shutting down.  Your partner reacts and you walk away, working to contain your own reactivity or simply refusing to engage.  Your partner reacts and you are able to see through it easily to his or her feelings and needs and so you offer an empathy guess.  Your partner reacts and you express your own feelings, needs, and request. 

In the last scenario, you are expressing honestly.  A true expression of your feelings and needs and an effective request, can be pretty hard to access while facing your partner's reactivity.  On the other hand, if you can stay connected to yourself in this way, you call your partner and your relationship into a different level or relating and you interrupt the cycle of reactivity.  

Being able to offer your honest expression in the heat of the moment is dependent on the amount of reflection and practice you have done when things are not heated.  My hope for you is that every reactive interaction with your partner is a cue for you to take time to reflect on your own feelings and needs and what you would like to happen differently in the future.  Ignoring reactive exchanges in your relationship for the sake of superficial harmony, is a high cost strategy.  Every ignored reactive exchange lives as a toxin in your relationship, perniciously destabilizing your connection.

When you do take the time to reflect, it's important to separate the details/topic or trigger from the reactive state itself, these are two separate conversations.  Sometimes your lawyering mind wants to hold onto and argue about details in the hopes of proving the validity of your needs.  Embodying NVC consciousness means letting go of the crutches you have used to prove your needs are valid, and surrendering to the deeper truth that it is your birthright to thrive and pursue thriving.

As you focus on your partner's reactive behavior, honest expression becomes easier.  It might sound something like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  The next time you have the impulse to call me a name would you be willing to take three deep breaths and tell me what you are needing?"

In the example above, you can see that the request offers a specific do-able action for the next similar situation.  When you are telling someone about something that doesn't work for you, the temptation is to make a "don't" request.  For example:  "Don't get reactive with me.", "Don't call me names.", "Don't yell at me.", "Don't shut down."  These requests are about moving away from something, avoiding or averting.  They are ineffective for a couple of reasons.  

First, everything anyone does is an attempt to meet needs, so when you say "don't" and that person doesn't know another way to try to meet that need, you are asking someone to hold back their life force.  When anyone works to hold back their life force, they are moving into a depression.  I am guessing that's not what you want to create.

The question is:  What do you want to create?  A "don't" request doesn't answer this question.  A request that asks someone to do something different moves you toward creating the relationship you want.  Of course, your request is only a guess at what the other person might be willing to do to meet your needs.  When you don't have a guess, it's okay to collaborate around the request.  It might sound like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  
Is there something specific you would be willing to do differently the next time have the impulse to call me a name? or Could we brainstorm ideas about what we could both do to interrupt reactivity the next time it comes up?"

Working together in this way, you and your partner stay grounded in your needs and how you would like to meet them in your relationship.

Practice
This week notice when someone is doing something that's not working for you.  Each time you hear yourself thinking or expressing a "don't" request, pause, connect to your needs and the needs that you guess are alive for the other person, and imagine what he or she could do instead.

~LaShelle Lowe Charde

Authority vs. Power Over / Power Under

Much pain and suffering comes from confusion about the difference between authority and power over.  In an ideal world, someone who is in authority has earned that authority through experience and learning.  For example, your boss has a certain authority at work.  She is likely able to hold a big picture of what is happening with the business and it's employees and what needs to happen.  She has earned this authority through work experience and education.  Because of this earned authority you and your co-workers give more weight to her ideas, decisions, and directives.  You trust what she is doing most of the time in regards to work decisions.

But when you give your boss authority in areas other than the immediate work environment or when you trust her every decision without checking in with your own sense of integrity, you are moving into a power over / power under consciousness.  For example, your boss doesn't get to weigh in on weather it is healthy for you to take an extra shift this week.  Only you have authority over your own self-care.
The reasons for slipping into a power over / power under consciousness are many and complex and volumes have been written about this topic (http://www.nvcworld.com/the-heart-of-social-change).  For our purposes here, the important thing is to learn to notice this for yourself and be able to return to a consciousness of power with.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put someone in power over you:

*You believe your needs are not as important or you don't deserve to have them met.
*You don't speak up when something is happening that is a violation of your ethics.
*You ask for or willingly receive advice from this person about areas of your life outside of the dimension in which he or she has authority.
*You bend your sense of personal boundaries to acomodate this person's wishes.
*You feel like you are in a trance around this person, like you can't access all of who you are or your sense of what's true.
*You feel smaller, speak in a smaller voice, or literally make yourself smaller through posture.
*After talking to this person you feel confused or fuzzy or disconnected from yourself.
*You lose your sense of humor and creativity around this person.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put yourself in power over another:

*You believe your needs are more important or you deserve to have them met before others.
*You make most of the decisions regardless of context.
*You announce what is going to happen rather negotiate to consider the needs of others.
*You give unsolicited advice about things not falling in your area of authority.
*You become angry and resentful if someone doesn't follow your advice or do things in a way you expect.
*You view the other as incapable, pitiful, and in need of your rescuing.
*You imagine you know what is right for another without asking them.
*You think a lot of about what this person or group of people should and shouldn't do.

In a "power with" consciousness, you maintain awareness and responsibility for your needs and values while being able to consider and hear the needs of others.  When you receive guidance and directives from someone in authority, you are able to discern your response in integrity with your needs/values and all the details relevant to that context.  If something seems off, you are able to ask questions of the person in authority.  You have clarity the boundaries of this person's authority.  You remember that the needs of all living beings are equally important regardless of roles and responsibilities.

Practice
Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there a relationship in which you slipping into power over / power under consciousness?  What are the signs?  Can you also find some examples in which you are maintaining a power with consciousness?  Your intimate relationship, parenting, work, and spiritual communities are all good places to watch for these dynamics.

Lashelle Lowe Charde