Loneliness

Loneliness.

You may have felt it at some point; it’s normal. It’s only a problem when you get the feeling of being trapped in loneliness; suffocated by it. No one can fill that void for you. It becomes a matter of you embracing the solitude and accepting yourself – give yourself time to navigate and learn from the experience and begin to love yourself.

A few tips:

1. Loneliness is a feeling

Your feeling may have become an emotional habit, but chances are this feeling has been triggered by an event that is happening currently or previously. Recognize it, accept it and awaken your power to change how you feel.

2. Be kind.

Be kind to yourself by expressing your wants and desires and choose a way to be kind to others. This action will create a sense of self-worth as you make a positive difference.

3. Identify your faulty thought patterns.

Pay attention to harmful thoughts and replace any negative self-talk with realistic thoughts or affirming messages. Mindfulness, meditation and exercise can also help you center yourself and tune in with your thoughts and feelings.

8. Accept yourself.

You may not love yourself or be ready to love yourself – so accept yourself. You are the only one who is capable of filling the void. Only you are capable of developing yourself. Accept and love yourself first so you do not become dependent on others to fill the void.

L

How to mend a broken heart

How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
... Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. 
-- Bee Gees

A deep loss can feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. You’re left with shards of pain, metaphoric hemorrhaging, and difficulty breathing. The heart that pumps your life source serves as your emotional mind/body - A mind and body that writhe in anguish.

For me to say that experiencing grief is a horrific experience is an understatement. The pain is indescribable. Overwhelming. Hollowing. Aching.

Emptiness.

It’s a process to be experienced and cannot be set aside or sped up.

Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I see the big picture? Why can’t I heal?

When you break up with a love you not only lose your mate - you lose you best friend, your confidant and your future. All of your plans for tomorrow and your dreams for the future have been shredded and burned. Your heart reaches out pleading for reconciliation, but your mind stops you short.

You grab your phone. You write. You stare at the text.

The debate on whether to send the message you just composed creates conflict between your logical mind and your injured heart. Do you send the message or not? Staring at the phone you calculate your amount of self-respect versus the desire to feel better . . . if only temporarily. Logically you realize that sending the message will not change anything. Your heart yearns for connection. Can the logical mind mend a broken heart?

First, you must acknowledge that your heart has been broken. Breathe into the pain and accept.

Second, try to avoid denial and rationalization. This is a nightmare; you will get through it. It is happening. The only way round is through (Robert Frost).

Third, grief does not have a timeline. It takes as long as it takes. Surrender the belief that you will never fully get over the loss, but you will learn to accept it. You’ll get through it when you get through it.

Fourth, embrace the present because grief lives in the past. Your experiences have been lost. Living in the moment will allow you to tolerate the pain.

Last, be real. If you’re hurting don’t try to hide it. Authentically live in the moment of pain, acceptance, and sadness.

Breathe into the agony and accept. As Panache Desai says, “Lean into it. Breathe. Accept. Embrace and embody the blessing of sadness, because where there is acceptance, judgment no longer has any power. When you let this energy wash over you, there will be an intensity to it, but as you keep allowing it to flow through you, it will eventually diminish. Allow life to do its job.”

When is the relationship over? 5 signs it’s time to move on.

1.  When you stop trying.

2.  When the relationship causes more sadness than joy.

3.  When your emotional support is elsewhere.

4.  When you live separate lives.

5.  When you dream about the perfect relationship and it’s not the one you’re in.

Breaking up is hard. It’s difficult. It sucks.

But sometimes it needs to be done.

I know…I always promote repair, attempts, connection, re-connection….

It’s like this: if your hand hurts  - you don’t cut it off. If your hand really hurts – you take a pill. If your hand really, really hurts – you see a specialist. If your hand is turning black, is numb and is killing you – it’s time to cut it off.

Relationships aren’t much different. Really. If you’ve worked on your relationship and made the choice to love your partner then you’ll do the work to keep the relationship strong.  But if you’ve exhausted quality time, and the laughter is gone and you feel like you’re the only one shouldering the weight of keeping the relationship going…then it’s time to decide if the relationship is over.

When you stop trying to find solutions to conflicts and just argue then you’ve stopped putting in the effort to make things work and when you’ve both given up on reparative effort then the end is not far off.

If you look back over the past three months and experienced more nights in tears than in giggles…perhaps your relationship isn’t the healthiest for you. A little friction in a relationship isn’t bad..it’s actually quite normal. What you don’t want is the scale tipped in the direction of sadness, melancholy, and dejection. This isn’t healthy and it needs to be fixed before you start manifesting your feelings as headaches, stomach aches and fatigue.

You’re having a bad day. You’re sad, upset, frustrated and it shows. Your brow is furrowed; Tears glisten in your eyes and you can barely manage a smile. You just want your partner to ask how your day was and then listen.  You want empathy, validation, or a shoulder to cry on. Only, your partner is no longer the first person you go to when you’re upset. You’ve been conditioned that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say…or he changes the subject…or he only wants to hear ‘happy talk.’ Women typically have best friends that they seek out when they have a problem, but when you feel like you can’t bare your soul to your partner chances are you’re on your way out of the relationship.

You want to be a priority. You deserve to feel like a priority in your relationship. If your partner is no longer asking about your day…or not asking follow up questions to, “how was your day?” then he’s just not interested. The two of you have separate activities and rarely spend quality time together…it begins to look like you no longer care about one another. You’ve lost interest and are leading separate lives. You co-exist and the relationship is over.

If you are picturing the perfect relationship and comparing how it differs from the one you’re in…then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. Maybe you begin thinking about what you want in the future…you may even fantasize about past relationships…you only know that the relationship perfect for you is not the one you’re in. If you find yourself uncomfortable around happy couples….It’s time to find happiness.

Ideally you will identify markers that signify the beginning of the end of your relationship. An intimate relationship can be revived …but both partners have to want it…and want it badly.  You will need to reach outside your comfort zone and do the work.  Everyone wants to be happy. Ideally you can be happy together.

Sadly, sometimes being happy means starting out alone.

Miscarriage and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Miscarriage can be a surprising cause of PTSD.


Published on November 16, 2010 by Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T. in Somatic Psychology

When we think about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we often think about war veterans and those who have endured violent crimes. But there are many other ways in which PTSD can affect victims of other, perhaps less obvious trauma. One of the less recognized forms of PTSD results from the trauma of having a miscarriage. While a period of grieving and sadness is to be expected after losing an unborn child, it's important to recognize when normal grieving ends and clinical PTSD begins.

If a miscarriage happens before week twenty, it's officially called a "spontaneous abortion (SAB)." After the twentieth week of the pregnancy, the medical term is "stillbirth." Numerous studies have shown that about a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage in the early stages. That's a pretty high number. However, stillbirths are far less common, and statistics show that they occur only roughly in 1 in 200 pregnancies.

A miscarriage could occur for many reasons-age, hormonal changes, lifetsyle, improper implantation of the egg, or trauma. And while it's not always possible to know why a late-stage stillbirth occurs, a few common explanations are issues with the placenta or umbilical cord, chromosomal abnormalities, and infections.

Women who have made the conscious choice to have a child begin bonding with that unborn baby very early on. Intense hormonal and physical reactions can be dramatic, as well as the unexpected loss of a baby that the mother has already started to bond with in-utero. The further along the pregnancy evolves, the more potentially traumatic a miscarriage can be. In addition, a miscarriage that occurs in the later stages of pregnancy can be very painful and require major surgery to recover from. Things like breast engorgement and hormonally-induce postpartum depression need to be added to the already debilitating emotional aftereffects.

By far the most common PTSD symptoms that result from miscarriage are depression and anxiety. Other symptoms may include fatigue, sleep difficulties, lack of concentration, loss of appetite, and frequent episodes of crying. The impact of the trauma depends on the inner and outer resources of the new mother, her stress level at the time of event, the strength of her relationship with a partner (if she has one), outside support, the important of her hopes of creating a family, and her level of ability to grieve. Parents who have experienced miscarriages need not only to process their grief but also to resolve their trauma. It's vital that the former mom-to-be recognize that the miscarriage was out of her control and not her fault.

For those trying to navigate how to approach a partner, family member, or friend who has recently experienced a traumatic miscarriage, sensitivity and patience are key.

Here are some appropriate steps to take if you or someone close to you has recently experienced a miscarriage and is struggling to come to terms with it:

Seek counseling. Your doctor is a great place to start. He or she can provide answers to questions that may put your mind and heart at ease, and will also be able to recommend further counseling sources.
Create a support system of friends and family. Being able to talk about it can help profoundly.

Get an evaluation for Acute Stress Syndrome. If the symptoms last for more than a month, seek follow-up testing for PTSD. Research has found that up to 25% of miscarriage victims meet the criteria for PTSD a month after the event. *
Not every woman who suffers a miscarriage will suffer from PTSD. According to the American Family Physician, "Anecdotal evidence suggests that up to ten percent of women meet criteria for ASD (Acute Stress Disorder) within one month of having a spontaneous abortion and that up to one percent meet the criteria for PTSD four weeks after the event." In order for a diagnosis of PTSD to be validated, a victim of miscarriage must experience symptoms for longer than four weeks. ASD, on the other hand, can set in after only a few days. **

Healing does not mean forgetting. Communicate with others, find support groups, educate yourself with books, allow yourself to grieve, and if you find yourself falling into depression, seek the help of a therapist.

The Alarms: Anger, Guilt & Shame

Lashelle Charde


Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that important needs are up and that you are are engaging in "should" thinking.  While it's important to feel and name anger, guilt, and shame; it's equally important not to take action from them. These alarm feelings are your cue to pause and reflect on your thinking and your needs.


Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.


Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.


Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs