The Tragic Cycle of "Overwhelm & Withdraw"

The Tragic Cycle of Overwhelm & Withdraw

adapted from LaShelle Charde

If you often feel overwhelmed and have a tendency to withdraw when stressed, then you may be wearing the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" face and inadvertently contribute to a reactive cycle.  

A gentle, engaging, and welcoming response from others is the best medicine for someone who has the reactive habit of feeling overwhelmed and withdrawing.  Unfortunately, the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" facial expression is one of the least likely ways to get this response.

The "O & E" face may reveal blank and frozen eyes, a lack of facial expression and a stiff body posture.   

When you wear the expression of overwhelmed/withdrawn, others often think one or more of the following:  

• You don't want connection and would rather be left alone.
• It will be a lot of work to connect with you.
• You will be boring.
• You think you are better than everyone else.

Acting on these thoughts others are more likely to forget you, ignore you, or avoid you.  This experience then reinforces the idea that you don't belong in the world, the world isn't a safe place to be you, and it is better to withdraw. Here begins the cyclic faulty thought reactive pattern.

You can intervene with this cycle in at least three ways:

First, practice noticing how you are holding your face and body. Invite yourself to soften, relax, and open your posture and energy.  

Second, anticipate events in which you are most likely to move into the overwhelm/withdraw reaction.  As you enter the event, practice engaging with others despite the impulse to withdraw.  Engagement can be as simple as making eye contact, smiling, walking towards others, saying "hello," and sitting without legs or arms crossed.

Third, out yourself whenever you can.  Let others know that you feel a bit overwhelmed and even though you might look like you aren't wanting to connect, you really welcome connection and are glad to be with the group.  This last bit of expressing what's really going on for you, is the fastest way to create a bridge between you and those around you.

Practice

If overwhelm and withdraw is a common pattern for you choose one of the three interventions listed above to practice with this week.  If this pattern describes someone you know, find one time this week to offer a gentle, engaging, and welcoming phrase or gesture.

Reactive?

Defining Reactivity

Being able to name clearly some key aspects of reactivity as it arises can prevent escalation and keep you grounded.  Reactivity as I am using it in the context of Compassionate Communication refers to any form of disconnect from your own or another's life energy.  The internal experience of reactivity is marked by the following:

• Unconscious contraction or collapse of your body and energy
• An inability to consciously consider and evaluate multiple views of a given situation.
• A loss of awareness and honor of your own needs and/or the needs of others.
• A lack of willingness to seek or accept feedback from others.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but rather some of the basic categories.  What else do you notice in your experience of reactivity?

On the outside, reactive behaviors can be categorized into four types: defend, attack, submit, and withdraw.

• Defend:  in defending you offer all the good reasons you have for doing what you did and try to show that you are not wrong or bad.
• Attack: when attacking you make a case for how the other person is wrong or bad in some way.
• Submit:  when you submit, you believe and take on others' negative judgments of you and apologetically take the blame regardless of your true responsibility.
• Withdraw.  In withdrawing you find yourself moving away or shutting down, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally.

In which of the four reactions, defend, attack, submit, or withdraw, do you most often find yourself?  With what body language, behavior, thoughts, and words, do you express that reaction?  Once you notice you are in reaction what is your de-escalating strategy?

Practice
At least one time this week notice when you find yourself in one of these reactions. See if you can watch the reaction without acting from it. Then start guessing the thoughts, feelings and needs that are alive for you underneath the reaction (self-empathy). After connecting with your feelings and needs decide what action/request you want to make of yourself or someone else to meet your needs.

LaShelle Charde