Tips for dating with PTSD

Note of tough love from a fellow victim: If you are single, living with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and have not been treated or seen a counselor, then you have no business dating or trying to start a new relationship until you get some guidance from a professional. You are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by ignoring it.

70% of Americans have been through a traumatic event at some point in their life. About 20% of those people will go on to develop PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that’s roughly 31.3 million people who are or have been afflicted. When most people think of PTSD, I think their mind goes to war veterans, but it is actually a more common struggle than you think. The National Institute of Health even called it “A growing epidemic.”

Maybe like me, you are one of these people and you understand the difficulties of navigating an invasive world that has little to no patience for people like us. You’ve been through trauma therapy and you know that “wherever you go, there you are” and incidentally so is your trauma. You’ve worked hard to face your demons and fears and you are in a good place but the truth is you will never be the same. Trauma changes you. The person you were before the traumatic event ceases to exist and you have to create a new self. Even with the most patient and accepting support systems and a stellar set of coping skills, “regular” life can be downright daunting at times. Especially when it comes to finding a romantic partner who loves and accepts you for who you are, trauma and all. Here are some things I have learned on the road to recovery and love.

1. Don’t unload the whole crazy wagon on the first date.

This is great common sense advice for anyone, “normal” and traumatized alike. A sane person without PTSD would never start a date with “So I was born…” and lay out their entire fucking life story before appetizers. While it is important to be upfront and you will need to tell the person eventually if you start seeing each other more seriously, it is ultimately your private business and it is up to you when you divulge that information. Plus, if you just come at them right out of the gate with “Yeah I have PTSD because when I was seven years old I was raped by a family friend…” you WILL scare them away because that is hella intense. Unless you have really severe symptoms, like a noticeable body tick, at least let them find out your favorite color or the name of your cat first.

2. Take it slooooow.

I mean it. Turtle with a broken leg slow. I’m not just talking about sex either. Whirlwind romances are not for people with PTSD. You have been through a terrible ordeal. Maybe even more than one. You are a strong survivor but you are also fragile. You have to be smart whom you give your heart to. A person can only take so much heartbreak in one lifetime. The more times your heart breaks the harder it gets to put it back together. I know this from experience. Just take your time and get to know each other. Be open about what you’re comfortable with and stay true to yourself. Don’t let anyone push you or pressure you into anything that feels wrong. Trust that gut of yours. Chances are your experiences have given you a new super intuition. Learn how to channel that. Just be sure to check yourself and make sure it really isn’t right for you and not just your avoidance symptoms kicking in. I have missed out on many opportunities social and professional because I let my “flight response” take control.

3. Don’t let your trauma define you.

Yes, I am a woman who has been through multiple traumas. I was sexually assaulted when I was seven years old and again at age twenty-two and that isn’t even all of it. However, I am also a woman, who has a BA in English Literature from the University of Central Florida, a social media manager, a vintage collector, an artist and craft enthusiast, a sister to three fantastic younger siblings, a mom to a rabbit and two crazy Chihuahuas, a loyal friend, candy connoisseur, avid tree climber, and so much more. Sometimes it’s easier to label yourself and let others label you as “Victim” but you are so much more than that! You are NOT your trauma. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Focus on all of the wonderful quirks and nuances that make you, you. If someone keeps trying to define you by the tragedies you survived, be it death, rape, assault, or fighting in a war, then they are not the guy or gal for you. The right one will see the real you and not just a rape victim.

4. You don’t always have to be polite.

“Were your parents not around much or something?”

“Yes they were around. Why?”

“Well then how did someone molest you?”

People, you would not believe the idiotic, insensitive crap that comes out of some moron’s mouths. It takes so much courage to be honest with someone about your past and put yourself out there. For most people with PTSD, just talking about it or telling the story is equal to reliving the entire episode or event. You are exposing the most vulnerable of wounds and the slightest bit of ignorance on another’s part can destroy you. You don’t have to put up with it. You have gone too long with out a voice. Speak up. Or if it doesn’t even dignify a response you can do what I did to handle the above conversation and just get up and walk out. The bottom line is people are ignorant and nosey. People are just going to blurt out whatever crap that comes to mind without thinking or ask rude prying questions that you don’t want to or have to answer. Don’t waste your time on them. The right people to have in your life are the ones who listen to you, tell you “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” and respect your privacy.

5. Never Forget: It’s Not Your Fault!

It is common for many people with PTSD to feel a great sense of shame or to blame themselves for what has happened to them. Which can definitely inhibit you and make it scary to enter the dating world. Not only that, but there are many stigmas placed on PTSD sufferers by non-traumatized individuals who are uninformed or simply don’t understand. Such as, “girls who were molested as children are totally fucked up,” “Don’t date her, she has issues, she was raped,” or “Sir we can’t hire you because you’ve killed people in the war in Afghanistan. “ Yes we have seen and experienced things most people only read about or watch on Television. Yes we experience symptoms such as, anxiety, body ticks, night terrors, depression, insomnia, avoidance, increased emotional arousal, even substance abuse, the list goes on…

That doesn’t mean we are broken, it doesn’t mean we are inherently damaged, it means our bodies, minds, and hearts are having a NORMAL reaction to trauma. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t cause it. It happened and now you are putting yourselves back together and you deserve to find love too.

Kirsten Strickland

I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.

L

The Connections Between Emotional Stress, Trauma and Physical Pain

Chronic pain can be caused by trauma and stress.
Published on April 8, 2010 by Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T. in Somatic Psychology

Studies have shown that chronic pain might not only be caused by physical injury but also by stress and emotional issues. In particular, people who have experienced trauma and suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are often at a higher risk to develop chronic pain.

Chronic pain is defined as prolonged physical pain that lasts for longer than the natural healing process should allow. This pain might stem from injuries, inflammation, or neuralgias and neuropathies (disorders of the nerves), but some people suffer in the absence of any of these conditions. Chronic pain can debilitate one's ability to move with ease, may hinder their normal functioning, and the search for relief can lead to pain medication addictions, which compound the problem. Chronic pain is also often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, depression and anxiety.

Many people are already familiar with the fact that emotional stress can lead to stomachaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and headaches, but might not know that it can also cause other physical complaints and even chronic pain. One logical reason for this: studies have found that the more anxious and stressed people are, the more tense and constricted their muscles are, over time causing the muscles to become fatigued and inefficient.

More subtly, one might develop psychosomatic symptoms or stress-related symptoms because of unresolved emotional issues. These are not new discoveries; researchers have studied the mind/body interrelationship for several decades because of the importance of this link.

Experts have noticed that experiencing a traumatic event can have an impact on the development of pain. In fact, approximately 15-30% of patients with chronic pain also have PTSD. Peter Levine, an expert on trauma, explains that trauma happens "when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelming." Most researchers disagree on a precise definition of trauma, but do agree that a typical trauma response might include physiological and psychological symptoms such as numbing, hyperarousal, hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, helplessness, and avoidance behavior.

During a traumatic event, the nervous system goes into survival mode (the sympathetic nervous system) and sometimes has difficulty reverting back into its normal, relaxed mode again (the parasympathetic nervous system). If the nervous system stays in survival mode, stress hormones such as cortisol are constantly released, causing an increase in blood pressure and blood sugar, which can in turn reduce the immune system's ability to heal. Physical symptoms start to manifest when the body is in constant distress.

If someone has experienced a trauma prior to their current injury or trauma, old memories can potentially be triggered, exacerbating the effects of the newer trauma. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a well-known trauma researcher, explains; "Research has shown that, under ordinary conditions, many traumatized people, including rape victims, battered women and abused children, have a fairly good psychosocial adjustment. However, they do not respond to stress the way other people do. Under pressure, they may feel (or act) as if they were traumatized all over again."

Often, physical pain functions to warn a person that there is still emotional work to be done, and it can also be a sign of unresolved trauma in the nervous system. Even if one has grieved and processed the emotional impact of a trauma, the nervous system might still unwittingly be in survival mode.

Maggie Phillips, author of Reversing Chronic Pain, writes: "Whether or not trauma was connected to the event or condition that originated their pain, having a chronic pain condition is traumatizing in and of itself."

Since trauma has been found to have a strong correlation to chronic pain, a combination of psychotherapy and physical therapy would be the most logical pain management option for stress and chronic pain relief. Psychotherapy that uses imagery, addresses the nervous system, and facilitates cognitive behavioral therapy is recommended.

To tackle the physical aspect of chronic pain, Mindy Marantz, director of the Healthwell clinic in San Francisco, suggests focusing on alignment in the body, as well as posture that supports organized alignment. Additionally, she advises to address potential inflammation, and provides strategies to help calm the nervous system such as Craniosacral therapy or Feldenkrais Movement Re-education. "These both will help 'stoke' the lymphatic system, which in turn helps diminish the effects of fluids that pool as a result of injury. Lymphatic massage as well as compression wraps and education help bring this often overlooked pathway to recovery to patients' attention."

Beginning a daily program of walking can help to mobilize the muscles and is the best way to stimulate the lymph system to do its job and oxygenate injured muscles. The International Association for the Study of Pain concluded that acupuncture is also effective in long-term chronic pain reductions related to musculoskeletal pain.

Although one might not be aware of the lingering effect of the trauma, or believe that the traumatic event has been put behind them, the body could be clinging to unresolved issues. Relevant psychotherapy can help to resolve the physical problems.

                                                                

Miscarriage and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Miscarriage can be a surprising cause of PTSD.


Published on November 16, 2010 by Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T. in Somatic Psychology

When we think about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we often think about war veterans and those who have endured violent crimes. But there are many other ways in which PTSD can affect victims of other, perhaps less obvious trauma. One of the less recognized forms of PTSD results from the trauma of having a miscarriage. While a period of grieving and sadness is to be expected after losing an unborn child, it's important to recognize when normal grieving ends and clinical PTSD begins.

If a miscarriage happens before week twenty, it's officially called a "spontaneous abortion (SAB)." After the twentieth week of the pregnancy, the medical term is "stillbirth." Numerous studies have shown that about a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage in the early stages. That's a pretty high number. However, stillbirths are far less common, and statistics show that they occur only roughly in 1 in 200 pregnancies.

A miscarriage could occur for many reasons-age, hormonal changes, lifetsyle, improper implantation of the egg, or trauma. And while it's not always possible to know why a late-stage stillbirth occurs, a few common explanations are issues with the placenta or umbilical cord, chromosomal abnormalities, and infections.

Women who have made the conscious choice to have a child begin bonding with that unborn baby very early on. Intense hormonal and physical reactions can be dramatic, as well as the unexpected loss of a baby that the mother has already started to bond with in-utero. The further along the pregnancy evolves, the more potentially traumatic a miscarriage can be. In addition, a miscarriage that occurs in the later stages of pregnancy can be very painful and require major surgery to recover from. Things like breast engorgement and hormonally-induce postpartum depression need to be added to the already debilitating emotional aftereffects.

By far the most common PTSD symptoms that result from miscarriage are depression and anxiety. Other symptoms may include fatigue, sleep difficulties, lack of concentration, loss of appetite, and frequent episodes of crying. The impact of the trauma depends on the inner and outer resources of the new mother, her stress level at the time of event, the strength of her relationship with a partner (if she has one), outside support, the important of her hopes of creating a family, and her level of ability to grieve. Parents who have experienced miscarriages need not only to process their grief but also to resolve their trauma. It's vital that the former mom-to-be recognize that the miscarriage was out of her control and not her fault.

For those trying to navigate how to approach a partner, family member, or friend who has recently experienced a traumatic miscarriage, sensitivity and patience are key.

Here are some appropriate steps to take if you or someone close to you has recently experienced a miscarriage and is struggling to come to terms with it:

Seek counseling. Your doctor is a great place to start. He or she can provide answers to questions that may put your mind and heart at ease, and will also be able to recommend further counseling sources.
Create a support system of friends and family. Being able to talk about it can help profoundly.

Get an evaluation for Acute Stress Syndrome. If the symptoms last for more than a month, seek follow-up testing for PTSD. Research has found that up to 25% of miscarriage victims meet the criteria for PTSD a month after the event. *
Not every woman who suffers a miscarriage will suffer from PTSD. According to the American Family Physician, "Anecdotal evidence suggests that up to ten percent of women meet criteria for ASD (Acute Stress Disorder) within one month of having a spontaneous abortion and that up to one percent meet the criteria for PTSD four weeks after the event." In order for a diagnosis of PTSD to be validated, a victim of miscarriage must experience symptoms for longer than four weeks. ASD, on the other hand, can set in after only a few days. **

Healing does not mean forgetting. Communicate with others, find support groups, educate yourself with books, allow yourself to grieve, and if you find yourself falling into depression, seek the help of a therapist.

Military Sexual Trauma Related to PTSD

 By Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S


Many military veterans suffer from PTSD related to experiences of sexual trauma. An even greater concern is the alarming amount of stigma surrounding the discussion and treatment of PTSD and addiction within the military community.

In recent decades, these addictions and coping mechanisms have become more sexualized, manifesting in many cases as porn addiction. By addressing this dynamic, we can help veterans who are dealing with addiction by demystifying the stigma surrounding their methods of coping, i.e. addiction.
While it has been reported that a number of men and women have sued the Department of Defense for “allowing a military culture that fails to prevent rape,” a Pentagon spokesman said that Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was working to ensure that the military was “doing all it can to prevent and respond to it,” reported The New York Times. But the problems persist and more and more vets and their loved ones are seeking solutions.
It is important to note that trauma and addiction affect men and women; and it is equally difficult for both to speak out against it. One female vet recounted this story: “You fear for life a lot of times. I constantly reevaluated everything as to whether I should suck it up or take the risk of saying something. I sucked it up for a while; I just thought, ‘I’ll do whatever it takes.’” The result of bottling up trauma leads many to deal with their psychological pain with addictive behaviors.

More Clinical Help Is Needed
Vets that speak out about the widespread issue have remarked that “more clinical help is needed,” especially for female vets whose “programs [too often] attempt to mirror men’s programs” that are typically “geared toward drug and alcohol abuse and addiction.”
The statistics on military sexual trauma (MST) among women are staggering, with 42% reportedly experiencing it. Additionally, studies have found that MST was more likely to lead to PTSD than other military or civilian traumatic events, which would include witnessing engagement related deaths.

Porn Addiction in Veterans

Given the proactive nature of military life, some veterans have started blogs sharing stories about their struggles with porn addiction, shedding light on the broader military addiction epidemic. Sites like Feed The Right Wolf have seen upwards of 200,000 visitors. Feed’s owner contended while he’s “not an expert…it is important to share the message about the dangers of porn addiction,” mainly because “there aren’t many other sites talking about [it].”
Experts have also weighed in on the gravity of this problem. In the article, Addicted to Online Porn: X-rated Internet Explosion Wreaks Havoc with Troops’ Careers & Lives, author Jon R. Anderson stated that “the seamy side of Porn 2.0 is picking off military marriages and killing promising careers like a shadow army of well-placed snipers.”
Reflecting on these issues, Capt. Diana Colon, a therapist who heads an Army mental health clinic in Schweinfurt, Germany, said recent engagements like Afghanistan and Iraq “have created a new generation of dysfunctional pornography abusers.” The tragic reality of porn abuse has been that many retired veterans and their spouses divorce as a result of the addiction. According to a 2002 survey of 1,600 top divorce lawyers, more than half of all divorces involved a spouse hooked on porn sites.

*BrainPaint an EEG Biofeedback system for PTSD has proven to be an easy solution for treatment.