Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice

Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:

1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.

We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.

We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself when you are together?

Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.

2. There is no perfect person.

Wait! What?

Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.

Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.

3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.

Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.

Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.

Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.

We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

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Letting go and moving forward

By Karim Hajee

Let's face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad, or depressed us. If we choose to hang on to them, we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. Sure it's easy to say: "Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go." But that really doesn’t work. I’m about to show you how to let go and start moving forward.

Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward.

Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some we see as negative and unpleasant. When you hang on to a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it. And when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you're like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you're holding on to, which is preventing you from moving forward.

The more you carry the worse life gets. Why? Because you've filled your mind up with negative experiences, because you continually hang on to something that doesn't allow you to move forward, in short, you're carrying useless baggage that's really slowing you down.

Think of it this way: you're on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don't serve you. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you'll never complete your trip.

To let go you have to get your mind to focus on different goals and different objectives. It's not about saying: I let go of the pain from my fight with ---- and move on. That will help, but if you really want to start moving on, then you have to get your mind to focus on new things, in the process you automatically let go of the things that have been slowing you down.

How to Let Go and Move Forward

Researchers believe that that if you hold on to negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where your thoughts of the past have a negative effect on your cells and your physical health.

Hanging on to negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you're not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions: Do the negative things you hang on to serve you any purpose? Do they help you move forward? Do they work in your favor in any way? If you said no to any or all of the above then tell yourself this: This emotion/feeling doesn't help me so I'm letting it go and focusing on what is important. Then begin focusing on what you want next, focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and you stop building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attracts more negative situations. When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations.

The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.

The key to your success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then brings you the opportunities to move forward.

The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the now. Living in the now is different than living for the moment. Living in the now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may say the following: "But Karim, where I am right now really sucks, I don't want to think about it." It only sucks because you're looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things anything from nature to the wonderful family you may have. This forces your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you're ready for new possibilities, then you’ll begin to let go and move forward.

Choosing Attachment

By LaShelle Charde
Understanding the necessity of attachment in your life is fundamental to thriving.  The basic psycho-emotional-physiological attachment bond with others is part of what keeps you balanced and feeling whole.  Unfortunately it is not always so easy to discern a healthy attachment bond from co-dependence.

I know I have felt torn, feeling the natural impulse to create a deep bond with my partner, while at the same worrying about losing myself and being co-dependent.

The trick is making it a conscious decision.  Choosing to enter into an attachment bond with someone means trusting your heart and vulnerability to their caretaking while maintaining your own sense of self-responsibility and choice.

Suffering from poor attachment with my parents, I am still learning how to create healthy attachment in relationships. I spent many years in desperate and hurt feelings as the people I dated and befriended weren't able to respond in the way I needed.  In one failed relationship after another I unconsciously lunged towards those that I thought might be able to fulfill this longing.  In the face of such a powerful drive, I had no access to wise discernment.  But slowly over time, with much suffering, reflection, and support the pattern has begun to reveal itself.

There are many resources on attachment, so I won't get into the theory of that here. I have included some resources at the end of the article, if you would like to learn more.

What I want to emphasize here is an affirmation of your drive toward bonding deeply with another in a conscious mindful way.  Choosing to bond with another is a choice you make again and again, moment after moment.  It's not about jumping into the deep end and hoping she or he will catch you.  It's about allowing another to know you deeply and hold you with care from his or her own conscious choosing to do so.

If you have a sense that a healthy attachment bond is missing in your life, you can begin to explore this by taking little steps with people you trust and with whom you have consistent in person contact.  Mentors, therapists, spiritual teachers, and partners are all likely candidates.

Start to notice how you block the bond and how you let it grow.  For myself, one way I notice that I habitually block a bond is by creating a rigidity in my torso, I sit too straight.  I then move my attention away from feeling and into analysis or subtle, but removed, observation.  While I can sometimes gain insight from this maneuver, I do it at cost to the potential bond with the person present.

In addition to your own thoughts, energy, and body, you might also reflect on your use of technology like facebook, twitter, email, movies, and blogs as possible blocks to bonding.  Technology provides channels for information and entertainment.  It may even serve as a periphery support to a real connection, but it can never replace in person human contact. 

Take a moment now and choose one relationship in which you would like to be especially mindful about this week.  Pay close attention to how you hold back and how you let this other person see you and hold you.