Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice

Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:

1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.

We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.

We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself when you are together?

Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.

2. There is no perfect person.

Wait! What?

Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.

Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.

3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.

Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.

Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.

Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.

We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

L

6 Things to Say to Someone with Depression or Who’s Depressed

By JOHN M. GROHOL, PSY.D. 

Lots of people experience depression, while others just have bad days or just are feeling down on themselves. No matter why they’re depressed, sad, or unmotivated to do much of anything, one thing is certain — it’s a tough feeling to experience. Depression is isolating — like you’re all alone in it, and that it will never end.
As a friend or partner of someone who’s experiencing that depression or feeling blue, what can you do to help? After all, there’s a lot of advice telling you what not to say to a depressed person and things that most people don’t want to hear when they’re feeling down.

We crowd-sourced the following list by querying our Facebook friends about what they’d like to hear when they’re feeling down, blue, or depressed. Here are a few of their very, very good suggestions.

1. You’re right, this sucks.

The generalization is that men are problem solvers, and women are listeners. People who are depressed don’t want problem solvers — they’ve usually run through all the scenarios and solutions in their head already. They just can’t do it.
What they’re looking for instead is simple acknowledgement and empathy.

2. You don’t walk this path alone. I’m here if you need me.

When a person is depressed, one of the feelings many people experience is an overwhelming sense of loneliness — that no one can understand what they’re going through. They are all alone.
A reminder from a friend or loved one that, indeed, they’re not alone and they are loved can be invaluable. It also reminds them of the reality — that people in their life do love them and are there for them if they need them.

3. I believe in you… You’re awesome!

Sometimes a person has given up hope that they’ll amount to anything in life. They’ve lost all belief in themselves, and feel like nothing they do is right or good enough. Their self-esteem is, in a word, shot.
That’s why it can be helpful to reaffirm that you believe in them. You believe in their ability to once again experience hope, to be the person you once were — or even more. That they are still an awesome person, if even if they’re not feeling that way at the moment.

4. How can I help? What can I do for you?

One part of the way many people experience depression is that they have little motivation to do things that need to get done. Offer your support and direct assistance in getting something done for them. It might be picking up a prescription, a few groceries from the store, or simply getting the mail. Offer this help only if you’re willing to do what is asked of you.

5. I’m here if you want to talk (walk, go shopping, get a bit to eat, etc.).

This is more of a direct suggestion, choosing something that you know the friend or loved one is going to be interested in doing. Maybe they just want to talk (and need you to simply listen). Maybe they need a nudge to get up, get changed, and go out and just dosomething — anything. You can be that person to help them get moving.

6. I know it’s hard to see this right now, but it’s only temporary… Things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Look to that day.

When a person’s depressed, sometimes they lose all perspective. Depression can feel like an endless black hole in which there’s no way to climb out of. Saying something along these lines reminds them that all of our emotions and moods are not permanent, even if they feel like they are.

Conversation Starters

Want to spend some quality time together, but never sure what to talk about?
Here are some great conversation starters based on ideas from  Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages.

1. What is one of your favorite stories that your parents tell about you?

2. Describe  one of your favorite memories that includes snow.

3. What was something you really wanted but weren't allowed to own as a child/teen?

4. If someone told you that you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do with those 9 minutes?

5. If could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?

6.  Describe the happiest day of your life.

7. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heartbreak or have never loved before?

8. What is the first thing you notice about people?

9.  Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

10. What is your definition of success?

11. If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

12. What is your favorite kind of candy?

13. What would you say is the worst item sold in a store?

14. If you were a serial killer, how would you choose your victims?

15, Which of Snow White's 7 dwarfs describes you best and why? (Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey)

16. What is your number one turn-off in a guy/girl?

17.  What strange pet peeve or fear do you have that no one else has?

18.  What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween?

19. If you could have personally witnessed one even in history, what would you want to have seen?

20.  If you could have any view from your bedroom window, what would it be?

Happy Chatting!
L

The Alarms: Anger, Guilt & Shame

Lashelle Charde


Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that important needs are up and that you are are engaging in "should" thinking.  While it's important to feel and name anger, guilt, and shame; it's equally important not to take action from them. These alarm feelings are your cue to pause and reflect on your thinking and your needs.


Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.


Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.


Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs