Loving again

Love Again After the Narcissist = Equals = Loving Yourself First

by Lucy Wright

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, who is only capable of loving themselves… is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

One of the happiest moments of life is letting go what you can’t change. Let. It. Go. Easier said than done when you’ve devoted yourself to, and tried so hard to love the self-absorbed.

When I was finally out of the marriage – and starting to discover who I was again – I asked my counselor how I would “not do it again.” How would I not find, not be attracted to, and not end up with, ever-ever-ever again, another Narcissist. Would I know the red flags? Being with a Narcissist was all I knew. My father. My NEx. How would I “not do it again.”
“You have to love yourself first” is what I heard.
What? Who? Me? Love Me?
I didn’t understand.

I had been a shell for so long. To remember who I was, I had to forget what he spent so many years telling me to be; what he spent so many years telling me who to be.
I was curious about “moving on” after the ExN, but I made a pact with myself to remain solo – just me, myself and I – for at least six months post getting out of my abusive relationship and having my divorce finalized.

Inwardly I knew I wasn’t ready to date. I was scared of the very thought of even trying to go out and meet a man for a cup of coffee and attempt to carry on any sort of thought-provoking, intelligent conversation. Who was I? What did I like to do? What were my goals? Where did I like to travel? After being told the answers to all of these questions for so long – you are this, we do this, we like to go here but not there – I couldn’t even answer these simple questions for myself, let alone think I might sound interesting to someone else.

Before the relationship with the ExN began, and even during the first few years we were together, I was social. I had confidence. I had a lot of friends. I was smart. I enjoyed reading and keeping up with world events. I kept myself in shape and I enjoyed wearing pink. I felt good.
I smiled.
Throughout the years I was married to N-him, I lost all of that. I had no friends, no confidence, and had to ask for validation and permission before making even the most simple, seemingly obvious decision.
He went to the gym. I stayed home with the kids.
I rarely left the house.
I wore dark sunglasses.
I never smiled.
……………………………
I knew I needed to learn to be Me again. But… who was Me?
……………………………
Fast forward six months when I finally took the leap to go for that cup of coffee. With a man.
I struggled, a lot, but I ended up learning about myself. And eventually I had some fun.
I was slowly figuring out who I was again. It took a long time initially, and the learning is still a work in progress. To this day, so many years later, I continue to struggle, at times, with who I am, who I was before, how I changed so drastically with N-him in order to survive, and how all of that affects me even to this day. Difficulty making decisions? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he understand what I’m trying to say? Why do I have so little self-esteem sometimes — still?
I took time to start learning to be me again. I am still learning.
………………………………
I have learned to love myself again after life with a Narcissist But I continue to have “triggers” from my past that cause me to doubt myself sometimes even now.
Bless my current husband for being patient with me. And understanding. Many times I don’t even know what is going to set me off – why I start crying, or what is said that revives some memory in my brain from the past, and causes my walls to go up so quickly.
Real men love you for who you are. They know your baggage, and they still love you anyway. They are caring, gentle and kind. They do not judge. They will never hurt you. They treat you with respect. And by standing by your side, through thick and thin, good and bad, better and worse, you, a survivor of domestic abuse, can finally begin to understand what it means to have trust in someone again… to love someone again.
I am a different person from who I was when abuse was my norm. I want my kids to know that there is no abuse in true, unconditional love.
<3
Learn to love yourself first.
Then find your ship – not the one at the airport – and determine your course forward.
Have some fun.
And when you are ready to…
Trust in Love again with someone else.

Love at First Sight

My story isn’t one of love at first sight. We didn’t meet for two weeks after our first contact. But our constant communication, mutual respect, and friendship allowed the attraction to grow. It wasn’t rainbows and fireworks. It was butterflies and poetry. It was something more enduring.

I’m always interested to hear a couples’ story when they first come in. How did you meet? Sometimes I’m told, “we hated each other,” or “our friends set us up.” Connecting the dots from that first sight to those darkest moments is navigation over tricky terrain. I’m invited in to a tale of vulnerable intimacy that weaves through moments of lightness and crosses bridges of pain and fear.

Ultimately, when a couple sits across from me it’s because they both want to reconnect. They yearn for that happily-ever-after-dream of endless love and effortless communication. I always say that my magic wand is out of batteries, but if two people have a drop-in-the-bucket of relationship hope and are ready to put in the effort to rebuild their foundation I will do my best to guide them to living their dream.

I’ve heard that “love shouldn’t be work.” Loving someone isn’t work – it’s the expression of your love that is work. It’s work to meet your partner’s needs and work to let your partner know when you have needs that are crying to be met. On some level I believe everyone is seeking true love. Here’s what I know: -

1. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

 Here we are back to the “work” of love. Many people confuse the feelings of love with the actions of loving your partner. It’s not always easy to validate your partner when feelings are diminished.

2. The feeling of love can be cultivated, even if it wasn’t strong at first sight.

“I love him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him” If you have a strong relationship foundation feelings can be grown.

3.  Attraction is more than skin deep.

It’s a lie to think there is a “type.” Most people realize that skin-deep attraction doesn’t have a long shelf life.  Focus on the qualities you want in a relationship and see if your partner wants the same – create a mutual attraction of connection and kindness that can sustain a lifetime of loving.

4. Decide to open your heart.

Coming back to the idea that love shouldn’t have to be work; this is a lie. The action of love is work. Overcoming fear is work; overcoming doubt is work; overcoming communication barriers is work. When you learn how to address barriers to love you can push aside internal judgment and open to love.

The love you want is possible. The relationship you desire is possible. Turn off the romantic comedies and close the books on happily-ever-after and turn to your partner and open your heart. Look at the person. Identify the qualities that fulfill you and make your heart sing. Create your own shared love song.

L

Do you want to be right or happy?

By Mike Goulding

I love the phrase, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?Maybe you have an uncle who constantly engages you in heated discussions about politics when you obviously have a different opinion. Or maybe you and a friend have a very different idea about what happened with a past issue. You've tried to convince her many times before and she's not seeing it your way. 

It's time to give up winning the argument and start taking charge of the situation by taking charge of yourself. 

 

When you feel the urge to defend yourself against the ridiculous point your relative has just made, you can use the Peace Survival Kit and take an Aikido approach instead.  

Aikido is a Japanese martial art (also known as the art of peace) that empowers people to protect themselves without having to hurt other people. These techniques can be applied to verbal confrontations with others. 

 

So going back to your argumentative relative, you can use the three steps in an Aikido move in your verbal differences: 

• Evade
• Align 
• Enter

Evade: Let the other person’s behavior go by once or twice to see if he stops on his own.

 

Align: Let the other person know that you want to be on her side by validating points and showing her that you're at least hearing what she's saying. (This does not mean you have to agree with everything.)

 

Enter: Establish boundaries by stating the behavior you expect from the other person.

 

Let’s apply this to a situation you might encounter.

 

Your Relative: I see you're still on that silly vegetarian diet.

You: [Evade by saying something to give permission for the conversation to move onto something else.] I actually have more energy now. How does your son like his new job?

 

Your Relative: You see, there we go again.

You: [Align.] I hear you in that we have different views about what to eat. I would really like to have a peaceful visit with you and make it more comfortable for everyone else here.

 

Your Relative: All the vegetarians I know are crazy. Who brainwashed you? 

You: [Enter.] I’m going to have to stop this conversation if it stays on this course. I would appreciate you dropping this old argument that we've not been able to resolve and at least be polite to one another.

 

Did you see what happened there? Instead of trying to defend yourself against the comments you are now managing yourself in a way that is not attacking the other person. You walk away at peace with knowing that you did the best you could to keep the situation peaceful with your relative.  

It does not matter what the other person does after that, but often times he/she responds to your self-mastery that is positive for everyone.  When the other person does not respond in a positive way then there is a better chance to get the support of others in the room as a bonus benefit of your self-mastery.

 

The Aikido principle of yielding and overcoming is played out here. By not participating in the argument, you win with the potential of everyone else around you winning too.