Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice

Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:

1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.

We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.

We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself when you are together?

Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.

2. There is no perfect person.

Wait! What?

Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.

Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.

3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.

Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.

Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.

Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.

We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

L

The girl who doesn't need anyone

What to Expect When You Fall for the Girl Who's Used to Never Needing Anyone

By Anna Bashedly

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.


This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.


She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave.


I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

Love as a practice

In our language the word love often refers to a feeling, sometimes to a need, and sometimes to a quality of presence (loving presence).  Love can also be an action and refer to a practice.  You don't have to wait for love to find you.  You don't have to stumble upon some magical person that loves you.  You can choose to practice love.  Choosing to practice something doesn't mean giving yourself some vague command like "be more loving".  

Choosing love as a practice, and really any mindfulness practice, includes setting an intention, directing attention moment by moment, compassion, and consistency.  Setting your intention each day gives you direction and gives you a place to come back to throughout your day.  Choose a time each morning to set your intention.  It will be easier to remember if you pair it with something you already do every morning.  For example, your first sip of tea could be your cue to set your intention for today.  Setting your intention might sound something like this:  "Today my intention is to practice love.  Between each interaction or task I will check in with this practice."

Any particular snapshot of your experience is infinitely layered and complex.  It's important to know exactly how and where you are directing attention as a part of practicing love.  A simple and powerful place to start is in your body.  At a basic level when you are in judgment, anger, or clinging your body is contracted and tense.  When you are practicing love your body relaxes and softens, especially around your heart.  Relaxing and softening doesn't mean collapsing and falling asleep.  Relax and soften in your body while maintaining vibrant attention.

Also direct your attention to your emotional experience.  Whatever emotions are moving through you in the moment you can practice a loving emotional tone in the midst of it.  Thích Nhất Hạnh offers the practice of smiling in your heart.  Just a subtle smile in your heart can bring a loving emotional tone.  Other practices include putting your hand on your heart, offering yourself a gentle thought of reassurance, or making a wish for the well being of someone in your life.

Lastly, direct your attention to your thoughts.  Most thoughts are simply habits.  When you are not intently focused on a task, your mind will generate the type and quality of thoughts you have most often.  Turning your attention to this stream of thoughts you can choose the content and quality.  It might be as simple as directing your thoughts towards what you appreciate about someone or towards a being in your life that easily evokes love.  And of course, you could pause your thoughts and take a moment to notice beauty in the present moment.

In your love practice, you will find yourself in moments of judgment, anger, and clinging.  As you wake up again and again in these moments, it's essential to practice compassion for yourself.  Simply saying to yourself in a gentle tone, "I am in judgment again.  That's okay.  It's just a habit* and will dissolve over time as I catch myself and return to the practice of love."  Take time to grieve the suffering that judgment, anger, and clinging create for you.  Take time to study yourself and notice the impact of judgment, anger, and clinging on your body, heart, and mind and on those around you.  Each time you do this you will notice another subtlety about how these states show up in your body, heart, and mind.  For example, you might notice that judgment brings on a headache or that anger tightens your stomach.  As you become more subtle in the study of yourself, you will find yourself waking up to your experience more easily and more often.

Unless you live in a monastery, it's likely that the world around you isn't set up to support your mindfulness practice.  It's essential then to set up your own support structure so that you maintain a consistent practice.  A consistent practice gives rise to layers of insight and relief from suffering and thus naturally encourages you.  Support for a consistent practice might include regularly participating in a community that practices, having a practice buddy that's doing it with you, checking in with significant others in your life about your practice, setting up your home so that you are surrounded by an environment that supports mindfulness, or setting regular dates for self-reflection, meditation, and acts of loving service in your community.

Practice

Take a couple of minutes right now to check in with your intention for today.  What mindfulness practice is just right for you today?  

LaShelle Lowe-Charde