You met, had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married. In your
haste to begin your Once-Upon-A-Time marriage you missed the fact that you had
just married a narcissist and would soon begin a journey into an unbalanced
relationship filled with emotional manipulation.
During your courtship, your consummately self-centered boyfriend became
infatuated with you - the object of his desire – and the more desirable you
appeared, the more intense his campaign to win your affections. This infatuated
narcissist was amazing…his romantic overtures happened too quickly and
contained such an emotional conviction that you couldn’t help but be swept off
your feet…and why not? You were complemented, given gifts, received thoughtful
gestures, and were constantly reminded of the similarities between the two of
you.
With the ring on your finger you began to realize, through nagging feelings,
that, although, you were technically married, you were not actually a couple.
Couples are equal partners who share responsibilities, support one another and
take turns being the one who requires tender loving care. Unfortunately, in
your relationship, your partner is self-absorbed and the scale is always tipped
in his direction; He assumes he is the focal point of the marriage. He hates it
when you are unavailable to him. And when you are – watch out…I bet he likes to
have his power over you. To ensure he can maintain this power he will use
emotional, verbal, economic and/or even sexual abuse.
The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship is filled
with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly, experience emotional pain,
bear chronic physical pain, and still not understand why. You may believe your spouse
when he tells you that you are the problem…that if you just changed and did the
things he wanted, well, life would be great…. For him, that is.
He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse
in his shiny marital toolbox because it works for him. You are not in a
partnership because your narcissist doesn’t know what that means… he is
self-centered, lacks empathy and feels entitled to have what he wants when he
wants it.
He may throw tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants…he yells, patronizes,
says hurtful things…. or he gives you the silent treatment. Your self-esteem begins
to plunge and the anxiety begins to swirl.
Wait a
minute, you think…my spouse was never diagnosed with any mental health
problems…certainly not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please realize that narcissistic
tendencies or symptoms can occur in varying degrees. Don’t put on a fake grin
and bear it because in the beginning things were so good between the two of
you. You might have believed you had met your Prince Charming…you were so enamored
with his phone calls, flowers, dinners, and quality time together. Don’t think
that if only you could ‘get it right’ or do everything he asks that you could
get those days back. He might act like he did every now and again to keep you
hooked and keep you believing that you're about to rediscover the fairy
tale…but he is only seducing you….again.
A narcissist
is like a leopard; he cannot change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change
if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you
need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a
narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself
of his narcissistic tendencies.
If you
have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with
their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things
change—and not for the good.
In
fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his
needs and wants? Rather than feeling closer to him have you felt you’ve become
more and more merely an object to him? There is even a chance the great sex has
switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual that
you haven’t realized what was happening. But if you stop and think about your
sexual relationship you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t
appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel
degraded.
Abuse
is any behavior that is designed to control and defeat another person through
the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse
can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle
tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. It’s
like brain washing because it wears away at your self-confidence, sense of
self-worth, trust in your own perceptions and self-concept. Whether through
berating, belittling, or under the guise of ‘guidance, teaching or advice,’ the
results are the same. This emotional manipulation cuts to the very core
creating scars that are far deeper and lasting than physical ones.
If you
recognize yourself as being in an abusive relationship know that you have the
right to seek help, to have your feelings acknowledged as real, to be heard,
and, most importantly, the right to live free from emotional or physical
threats.
