Loving again

Love Again After the Narcissist = Equals = Loving Yourself First

by Lucy Wright

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, who is only capable of loving themselves… is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

One of the happiest moments of life is letting go what you can’t change. Let. It. Go. Easier said than done when you’ve devoted yourself to, and tried so hard to love the self-absorbed.

When I was finally out of the marriage – and starting to discover who I was again – I asked my counselor how I would “not do it again.” How would I not find, not be attracted to, and not end up with, ever-ever-ever again, another Narcissist. Would I know the red flags? Being with a Narcissist was all I knew. My father. My NEx. How would I “not do it again.”
“You have to love yourself first” is what I heard.
What? Who? Me? Love Me?
I didn’t understand.

I had been a shell for so long. To remember who I was, I had to forget what he spent so many years telling me to be; what he spent so many years telling me who to be.
I was curious about “moving on” after the ExN, but I made a pact with myself to remain solo – just me, myself and I – for at least six months post getting out of my abusive relationship and having my divorce finalized.

Inwardly I knew I wasn’t ready to date. I was scared of the very thought of even trying to go out and meet a man for a cup of coffee and attempt to carry on any sort of thought-provoking, intelligent conversation. Who was I? What did I like to do? What were my goals? Where did I like to travel? After being told the answers to all of these questions for so long – you are this, we do this, we like to go here but not there – I couldn’t even answer these simple questions for myself, let alone think I might sound interesting to someone else.

Before the relationship with the ExN began, and even during the first few years we were together, I was social. I had confidence. I had a lot of friends. I was smart. I enjoyed reading and keeping up with world events. I kept myself in shape and I enjoyed wearing pink. I felt good.
I smiled.
Throughout the years I was married to N-him, I lost all of that. I had no friends, no confidence, and had to ask for validation and permission before making even the most simple, seemingly obvious decision.
He went to the gym. I stayed home with the kids.
I rarely left the house.
I wore dark sunglasses.
I never smiled.
……………………………
I knew I needed to learn to be Me again. But… who was Me?
……………………………
Fast forward six months when I finally took the leap to go for that cup of coffee. With a man.
I struggled, a lot, but I ended up learning about myself. And eventually I had some fun.
I was slowly figuring out who I was again. It took a long time initially, and the learning is still a work in progress. To this day, so many years later, I continue to struggle, at times, with who I am, who I was before, how I changed so drastically with N-him in order to survive, and how all of that affects me even to this day. Difficulty making decisions? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he understand what I’m trying to say? Why do I have so little self-esteem sometimes — still?
I took time to start learning to be me again. I am still learning.
………………………………
I have learned to love myself again after life with a Narcissist But I continue to have “triggers” from my past that cause me to doubt myself sometimes even now.
Bless my current husband for being patient with me. And understanding. Many times I don’t even know what is going to set me off – why I start crying, or what is said that revives some memory in my brain from the past, and causes my walls to go up so quickly.
Real men love you for who you are. They know your baggage, and they still love you anyway. They are caring, gentle and kind. They do not judge. They will never hurt you. They treat you with respect. And by standing by your side, through thick and thin, good and bad, better and worse, you, a survivor of domestic abuse, can finally begin to understand what it means to have trust in someone again… to love someone again.
I am a different person from who I was when abuse was my norm. I want my kids to know that there is no abuse in true, unconditional love.
<3
Learn to love yourself first.
Then find your ship – not the one at the airport – and determine your course forward.
Have some fun.
And when you are ready to…
Trust in Love again with someone else.

Letting go and moving forward

By Karim Hajee

Let's face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad, or depressed us. If we choose to hang on to them, we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. Sure it's easy to say: "Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go." But that really doesn’t work. I’m about to show you how to let go and start moving forward.

Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward.

Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some we see as negative and unpleasant. When you hang on to a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it. And when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you're like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you're holding on to, which is preventing you from moving forward.

The more you carry the worse life gets. Why? Because you've filled your mind up with negative experiences, because you continually hang on to something that doesn't allow you to move forward, in short, you're carrying useless baggage that's really slowing you down.

Think of it this way: you're on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don't serve you. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you'll never complete your trip.

To let go you have to get your mind to focus on different goals and different objectives. It's not about saying: I let go of the pain from my fight with ---- and move on. That will help, but if you really want to start moving on, then you have to get your mind to focus on new things, in the process you automatically let go of the things that have been slowing you down.

How to Let Go and Move Forward

Researchers believe that that if you hold on to negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where your thoughts of the past have a negative effect on your cells and your physical health.

Hanging on to negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you're not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions: Do the negative things you hang on to serve you any purpose? Do they help you move forward? Do they work in your favor in any way? If you said no to any or all of the above then tell yourself this: This emotion/feeling doesn't help me so I'm letting it go and focusing on what is important. Then begin focusing on what you want next, focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and you stop building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attracts more negative situations. When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations.

The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.

The key to your success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then brings you the opportunities to move forward.

The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the now. Living in the now is different than living for the moment. Living in the now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may say the following: "But Karim, where I am right now really sucks, I don't want to think about it." It only sucks because you're looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things anything from nature to the wonderful family you may have. This forces your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you're ready for new possibilities, then you’ll begin to let go and move forward.

Is surppressed anger making you sick?

BY COURTNEY PROSSER

In its purest form, anger is concentrated balls of fire that bubble up from our depths. These balls of fire are our deepest passions, our life force, our fuel for change and one of the most useful superpowers available to us in life!

Suppress your fire and you mute your power as a human being. You may also be making yourself unwell and unhappy. At the core of much unhappiness, cancers, inflammatory responses and autoimmune diseases is suppressed anger that hasn't been released.

My past tendency with fire was to suppress it; I used to be addicted to being the helpful peacemaker. I loved the identity of being cool with everything. My mind would say, “Yeah that's fine, no problem, I'm cool with that,” yet at the same time my gizzards were firing up and saying “Hell no, that's not fair, what about me, back off buddy”. 

Unfortunately, the backlog of fire would eventually burst out through a passive-aggressive look, an outburst of defiance or aninflamed body part! Sound familiar?

Over the years, through trial and error and making lots of so-called mistakes along the way, I've slowly learned to love my fire. It only took a few burned relationships and some mild chronic inflammatory illness to finally wake up! 

So here's what I have learned about mastering your anger and, in turn 

1. Stop.

Think of the last time you flashed red with anger. Stop, open, breathe and welcome the fire energy to continue to move through you. Let anger be your signal to stop circling in the story and fully open to the energy that has been triggered. Directly experience the fire without the story.

2. Try indirect expression.

You may need to physically move a strong charge of fire before you can express it clearly. So find a safe space and move your body, breathe, dance, breathe, run, breathe, sing, breathe, scream into a pillow or roar like a tiger to release the charge of energy. Did I mention breathe? Write a letter without sending it, in order to release what you're feeling.

3. Follow up with direct expression. 

Anger alerts us to what bothers us, so express with honesty how you feel about an angering situation. A great way to do this is to own your feelings (I feel...) and speak in terms of your passion. Let the person know what's important to you, rather than attacking what the object of your anger has done or said. Practice mastering the fine balance between aggressive, assertive and passive communication. Give yourself room for error.

4. Own your anger.

Acknowledge the mirror that other people's words and actions reflect about ourselves. Acknowledge where you may have treated yourself in a similar way and thus attracted the same behavior externally. This requires you to take responsibility for the feelings that have been triggered in a situation.

5. Change. 

Use the fire energy as fuel to make any changes in your relationships, career and personal life that align you with your true passions.

Let your fire unleash with acceptance, honesty, maturity and love, and enjoy the health and happiness it creates.

The Art of Letting Go in Relationships

by Virginia Clark

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily, we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

This quote isn’t about letting go of a relationship that’s not working, it’s about letting go of your attachment to a man that’s unhealthy and ultimately destructive to love.

You learned to form this kind of attachment when you were young — and part of becoming a mature woman is growing out of it.

Do you remember how you “loved” when you were a teenager? I do. I had “crushes” on boys and spent hours daydreaming about them. I not only longed for boys I saw at school, but I also became obsessed imagining myself with various young actors and singers.

I recognize this now and smile to myself when I see my friend’s daughters so enthralled with a teenage heartthrob like Justin Beiber. I was at the bookstore yesterday and a girl, maybe 13 yrs. old, was begging her mother to buy her a book on the 17 yr. old singer’s life. Shepleaded with her mom saying, “I promise you I’ll read it every day!”

I didn’t think her mother would give in to her pleading, as much as she wants her daughter to read. I was right. As they walked away the girl was distraught and burst into tears. Her passion for this young man who she had never met overwhelming her.

As you get older, you may find that you form attachments to men that feel much the same way, I know I did for many years. If you haven’t grown out of this phase, you will find yourself becoming overly involved around men and losing your sense of self.

You will look to him for validation and feel devastated if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. When a man shows interest in you, rather than letting go and seeing what happens, you’ll feel as though you have to hold on to him as if your life depended upon it.

For years I tried to hide my neediness and act like I didn’t care around a man and be “cool.” But inside I always felt desperate as if I might lose him at anytime. I thought about him continually and watched every move he made so I wouldn’t miss any signal he might be giving me.

I felt just like I did in high school when I had a crush…obsessed.

But men are not stupid, they can tell when you’re hiding your neediness; when you feel insecure

If your tendency is to hold on too tightly, it’s time to practice letting go

I had to work on my self-esteem so I could learn how to love like an adult and not a teenager. I had to learn that holding on is useless and comes from need rather than love.

xoxo

Virginia Clark

Relationship Coach and Author

http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

~Henry David Thoreau