Loving again

Love Again After the Narcissist = Equals = Loving Yourself First

by Lucy Wright

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, who is only capable of loving themselves… is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

One of the happiest moments of life is letting go what you can’t change. Let. It. Go. Easier said than done when you’ve devoted yourself to, and tried so hard to love the self-absorbed.

When I was finally out of the marriage – and starting to discover who I was again – I asked my counselor how I would “not do it again.” How would I not find, not be attracted to, and not end up with, ever-ever-ever again, another Narcissist. Would I know the red flags? Being with a Narcissist was all I knew. My father. My NEx. How would I “not do it again.”
“You have to love yourself first” is what I heard.
What? Who? Me? Love Me?
I didn’t understand.

I had been a shell for so long. To remember who I was, I had to forget what he spent so many years telling me to be; what he spent so many years telling me who to be.
I was curious about “moving on” after the ExN, but I made a pact with myself to remain solo – just me, myself and I – for at least six months post getting out of my abusive relationship and having my divorce finalized.

Inwardly I knew I wasn’t ready to date. I was scared of the very thought of even trying to go out and meet a man for a cup of coffee and attempt to carry on any sort of thought-provoking, intelligent conversation. Who was I? What did I like to do? What were my goals? Where did I like to travel? After being told the answers to all of these questions for so long – you are this, we do this, we like to go here but not there – I couldn’t even answer these simple questions for myself, let alone think I might sound interesting to someone else.

Before the relationship with the ExN began, and even during the first few years we were together, I was social. I had confidence. I had a lot of friends. I was smart. I enjoyed reading and keeping up with world events. I kept myself in shape and I enjoyed wearing pink. I felt good.
I smiled.
Throughout the years I was married to N-him, I lost all of that. I had no friends, no confidence, and had to ask for validation and permission before making even the most simple, seemingly obvious decision.
He went to the gym. I stayed home with the kids.
I rarely left the house.
I wore dark sunglasses.
I never smiled.
……………………………
I knew I needed to learn to be Me again. But… who was Me?
……………………………
Fast forward six months when I finally took the leap to go for that cup of coffee. With a man.
I struggled, a lot, but I ended up learning about myself. And eventually I had some fun.
I was slowly figuring out who I was again. It took a long time initially, and the learning is still a work in progress. To this day, so many years later, I continue to struggle, at times, with who I am, who I was before, how I changed so drastically with N-him in order to survive, and how all of that affects me even to this day. Difficulty making decisions? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he understand what I’m trying to say? Why do I have so little self-esteem sometimes — still?
I took time to start learning to be me again. I am still learning.
………………………………
I have learned to love myself again after life with a Narcissist But I continue to have “triggers” from my past that cause me to doubt myself sometimes even now.
Bless my current husband for being patient with me. And understanding. Many times I don’t even know what is going to set me off – why I start crying, or what is said that revives some memory in my brain from the past, and causes my walls to go up so quickly.
Real men love you for who you are. They know your baggage, and they still love you anyway. They are caring, gentle and kind. They do not judge. They will never hurt you. They treat you with respect. And by standing by your side, through thick and thin, good and bad, better and worse, you, a survivor of domestic abuse, can finally begin to understand what it means to have trust in someone again… to love someone again.
I am a different person from who I was when abuse was my norm. I want my kids to know that there is no abuse in true, unconditional love.
<3
Learn to love yourself first.
Then find your ship – not the one at the airport – and determine your course forward.
Have some fun.
And when you are ready to…
Trust in Love again with someone else.

Deceit & Manipulation

By Joel Akande

No one likes to be manipulated. It belittles us all and make a mockery of our intelligence. Besides, being deceived and manipulated breaches the trust we may have in individuals. In addition, being deceived implies that we are being fooled and could considerably affect our individual confidence.

What is Manipulation?

To be manipulated implies that truth and lies are being mixed together all at once or interchanged and presented as the whole truth.  A manipulator's  aim is to control the victim. That is to say, a person tells you lies and package the lie as the truth, present the lie to you to make you believe in the fabrication. Unaware, you are taken in: You accepted untruths as authentic. Manipulation can also be a situation whereby the victims are misdirected or simply twists facts in a "mix and match" of lies and truth. Manipulation is not the same as "negotiation" or "agreement".

Why Does Manipulation and Deceiving Occur?

The objective of a manipulator is to control the victim and the manipulator may go to any extent inculding using the Police, Courts and the Law, and any means to control the victim.  All said, the victim of manipulation are almost always in one form of relationship or another with the perpetrator. Also, manipulation occurs and it assumes that the victim is not capable of finding out the truth about the matter(s). Thus, from the victim's position, manipulation may occur when the victim and perpetrator:

1. May be in position of trust such as children trusting adults or their peers. Adults may deceive or  "mis-educate" and manipulate or misdirect  the children so that the perpetrator is able  to gain different forms of  advantages such as affection, attention, being kept in company and so forth.

2. It may occur whereby the victim and perpetrator are in intimate relationships such as husband and wife situation. Clearly, one party may trust the other or the two individuals may actually actively manipulate each other.

3. Politicians, may deliberately manipulate facts to suit an existing situation. So the followers and the public are the victims of  lies and deceits.

4. Employees of companies, business partners,  students and anyone under authority of another may be a victim of manipulation.

The Perpetrator.

The perpetrator of manipulation:

a. Fears the truth as some Countries and politicians do. In the same way marital partner who fears that his or her sexual adventures may be discovered may start to manipulate the other unwary partner.

b. The perpetrator may be apprehensive that telling the truth  as in politics and businesses, may lead to loss of revenue, income, loss of political position and self-esteem (Please read here: How to Deal With False Accusations)

c. Perpetrator of manipulation may want to keep a state of duress and fear upon the victim to that the victim is always in submission to the authority of the perpetrator. This is common in political settings in authoritarian countries and autocratic states.

This may also happen between a vulnerable partner in a relationship, between children and adults and the other over-lording partner who wants to maintain a condition to continually exploiting  the other in the relationship.

d. Manipulation by the perpetrator may be as a result of mental illness such as grandiose delusions of hypomanics or in mania or personality disorders. On the other hand, manipulator may simply be sane but criminally minded persons.

e. Manipulation may also occur as a result of drugs such as cannabis misuse leading to weird claims of paranoia.

f. Manipulation does occur in religious situations of "the bad or evil" attempting to manipulate the truth or the good people.

Signs and Symptoms That You Are Being Manipulated
a. The manipulator fails to back up the claims with factual evidence
b. Manipulator prevents you from wanting to establish the evidence. You may be asked to "act now" which is in fact a false sense of urgency. Warning: Do not so act.
c. You feel under duress and uncomfortable.
d. You may be threatened with severe consequences. This may be the case when children are manipulated. They may be asked to respond to inquiries from outsiders in certain ways or not answer at all.
e.The story of the manipulator keep changing facts and scenes. No consistency.
f. The storyline may just be too strange to believe.
g. Manipulator present as if they are on your side. They tell you what you want to hear while they have different intention
h. If manipulator is questioned intensely, his or her defences will collapse

How Does Manipulation Occur?

a. Deceiving another person is always a pretense by presenting a false facts as the truth. A weird story may be told to cover the truth.  False accidents may said to have occurred where there is none.

b.Manipulators are good at double dealings. They may tell one story now to Mr. A and then for the same alleged event, tell another story to Mr C, all in the hope that Mr A and C will not find out the truth.

Letting go and moving forward

By Karim Hajee

Let's face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad, or depressed us. If we choose to hang on to them, we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. Sure it's easy to say: "Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go." But that really doesn’t work. I’m about to show you how to let go and start moving forward.

Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward.

Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some we see as negative and unpleasant. When you hang on to a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it. And when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you're like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you're holding on to, which is preventing you from moving forward.

The more you carry the worse life gets. Why? Because you've filled your mind up with negative experiences, because you continually hang on to something that doesn't allow you to move forward, in short, you're carrying useless baggage that's really slowing you down.

Think of it this way: you're on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don't serve you. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you'll never complete your trip.

To let go you have to get your mind to focus on different goals and different objectives. It's not about saying: I let go of the pain from my fight with ---- and move on. That will help, but if you really want to start moving on, then you have to get your mind to focus on new things, in the process you automatically let go of the things that have been slowing you down.

How to Let Go and Move Forward

Researchers believe that that if you hold on to negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where your thoughts of the past have a negative effect on your cells and your physical health.

Hanging on to negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you're not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions: Do the negative things you hang on to serve you any purpose? Do they help you move forward? Do they work in your favor in any way? If you said no to any or all of the above then tell yourself this: This emotion/feeling doesn't help me so I'm letting it go and focusing on what is important. Then begin focusing on what you want next, focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and you stop building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attracts more negative situations. When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations.

The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.

The key to your success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then brings you the opportunities to move forward.

The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the now. Living in the now is different than living for the moment. Living in the now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may say the following: "But Karim, where I am right now really sucks, I don't want to think about it." It only sucks because you're looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things anything from nature to the wonderful family you may have. This forces your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you're ready for new possibilities, then you’ll begin to let go and move forward.

How to mend a broken heart

How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
... Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. 
-- Bee Gees

A deep loss can feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. You’re left with shards of pain, metaphoric hemorrhaging, and difficulty breathing. The heart that pumps your life source serves as your emotional mind/body - A mind and body that writhe in anguish.

For me to say that experiencing grief is a horrific experience is an understatement. The pain is indescribable. Overwhelming. Hollowing. Aching.

Emptiness.

It’s a process to be experienced and cannot be set aside or sped up.

Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I see the big picture? Why can’t I heal?

When you break up with a love you not only lose your mate - you lose you best friend, your confidant and your future. All of your plans for tomorrow and your dreams for the future have been shredded and burned. Your heart reaches out pleading for reconciliation, but your mind stops you short.

You grab your phone. You write. You stare at the text.

The debate on whether to send the message you just composed creates conflict between your logical mind and your injured heart. Do you send the message or not? Staring at the phone you calculate your amount of self-respect versus the desire to feel better . . . if only temporarily. Logically you realize that sending the message will not change anything. Your heart yearns for connection. Can the logical mind mend a broken heart?

First, you must acknowledge that your heart has been broken. Breathe into the pain and accept.

Second, try to avoid denial and rationalization. This is a nightmare; you will get through it. It is happening. The only way round is through (Robert Frost).

Third, grief does not have a timeline. It takes as long as it takes. Surrender the belief that you will never fully get over the loss, but you will learn to accept it. You’ll get through it when you get through it.

Fourth, embrace the present because grief lives in the past. Your experiences have been lost. Living in the moment will allow you to tolerate the pain.

Last, be real. If you’re hurting don’t try to hide it. Authentically live in the moment of pain, acceptance, and sadness.

Breathe into the agony and accept. As Panache Desai says, “Lean into it. Breathe. Accept. Embrace and embody the blessing of sadness, because where there is acceptance, judgment no longer has any power. When you let this energy wash over you, there will be an intensity to it, but as you keep allowing it to flow through you, it will eventually diminish. Allow life to do its job.”

When is the relationship over? 5 signs it’s time to move on.

1.  When you stop trying.

2.  When the relationship causes more sadness than joy.

3.  When your emotional support is elsewhere.

4.  When you live separate lives.

5.  When you dream about the perfect relationship and it’s not the one you’re in.

Breaking up is hard. It’s difficult. It sucks.

But sometimes it needs to be done.

I know…I always promote repair, attempts, connection, re-connection….

It’s like this: if your hand hurts  - you don’t cut it off. If your hand really hurts – you take a pill. If your hand really, really hurts – you see a specialist. If your hand is turning black, is numb and is killing you – it’s time to cut it off.

Relationships aren’t much different. Really. If you’ve worked on your relationship and made the choice to love your partner then you’ll do the work to keep the relationship strong.  But if you’ve exhausted quality time, and the laughter is gone and you feel like you’re the only one shouldering the weight of keeping the relationship going…then it’s time to decide if the relationship is over.

When you stop trying to find solutions to conflicts and just argue then you’ve stopped putting in the effort to make things work and when you’ve both given up on reparative effort then the end is not far off.

If you look back over the past three months and experienced more nights in tears than in giggles…perhaps your relationship isn’t the healthiest for you. A little friction in a relationship isn’t bad..it’s actually quite normal. What you don’t want is the scale tipped in the direction of sadness, melancholy, and dejection. This isn’t healthy and it needs to be fixed before you start manifesting your feelings as headaches, stomach aches and fatigue.

You’re having a bad day. You’re sad, upset, frustrated and it shows. Your brow is furrowed; Tears glisten in your eyes and you can barely manage a smile. You just want your partner to ask how your day was and then listen.  You want empathy, validation, or a shoulder to cry on. Only, your partner is no longer the first person you go to when you’re upset. You’ve been conditioned that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say…or he changes the subject…or he only wants to hear ‘happy talk.’ Women typically have best friends that they seek out when they have a problem, but when you feel like you can’t bare your soul to your partner chances are you’re on your way out of the relationship.

You want to be a priority. You deserve to feel like a priority in your relationship. If your partner is no longer asking about your day…or not asking follow up questions to, “how was your day?” then he’s just not interested. The two of you have separate activities and rarely spend quality time together…it begins to look like you no longer care about one another. You’ve lost interest and are leading separate lives. You co-exist and the relationship is over.

If you are picturing the perfect relationship and comparing how it differs from the one you’re in…then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. Maybe you begin thinking about what you want in the future…you may even fantasize about past relationships…you only know that the relationship perfect for you is not the one you’re in. If you find yourself uncomfortable around happy couples….It’s time to find happiness.

Ideally you will identify markers that signify the beginning of the end of your relationship. An intimate relationship can be revived …but both partners have to want it…and want it badly.  You will need to reach outside your comfort zone and do the work.  Everyone wants to be happy. Ideally you can be happy together.

Sadly, sometimes being happy means starting out alone.

Do you want to be right or happy?

By Mike Goulding

I love the phrase, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?Maybe you have an uncle who constantly engages you in heated discussions about politics when you obviously have a different opinion. Or maybe you and a friend have a very different idea about what happened with a past issue. You've tried to convince her many times before and she's not seeing it your way. 

It's time to give up winning the argument and start taking charge of the situation by taking charge of yourself. 

 

When you feel the urge to defend yourself against the ridiculous point your relative has just made, you can use the Peace Survival Kit and take an Aikido approach instead.  

Aikido is a Japanese martial art (also known as the art of peace) that empowers people to protect themselves without having to hurt other people. These techniques can be applied to verbal confrontations with others. 

 

So going back to your argumentative relative, you can use the three steps in an Aikido move in your verbal differences: 

• Evade
• Align 
• Enter

Evade: Let the other person’s behavior go by once or twice to see if he stops on his own.

 

Align: Let the other person know that you want to be on her side by validating points and showing her that you're at least hearing what she's saying. (This does not mean you have to agree with everything.)

 

Enter: Establish boundaries by stating the behavior you expect from the other person.

 

Let’s apply this to a situation you might encounter.

 

Your Relative: I see you're still on that silly vegetarian diet.

You: [Evade by saying something to give permission for the conversation to move onto something else.] I actually have more energy now. How does your son like his new job?

 

Your Relative: You see, there we go again.

You: [Align.] I hear you in that we have different views about what to eat. I would really like to have a peaceful visit with you and make it more comfortable for everyone else here.

 

Your Relative: All the vegetarians I know are crazy. Who brainwashed you? 

You: [Enter.] I’m going to have to stop this conversation if it stays on this course. I would appreciate you dropping this old argument that we've not been able to resolve and at least be polite to one another.

 

Did you see what happened there? Instead of trying to defend yourself against the comments you are now managing yourself in a way that is not attacking the other person. You walk away at peace with knowing that you did the best you could to keep the situation peaceful with your relative.  

It does not matter what the other person does after that, but often times he/she responds to your self-mastery that is positive for everyone.  When the other person does not respond in a positive way then there is a better chance to get the support of others in the room as a bonus benefit of your self-mastery.

 

The Aikido principle of yielding and overcoming is played out here. By not participating in the argument, you win with the potential of everyone else around you winning too. 

 

The Art of Letting Go in Relationships

by Virginia Clark

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily, we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

This quote isn’t about letting go of a relationship that’s not working, it’s about letting go of your attachment to a man that’s unhealthy and ultimately destructive to love.

You learned to form this kind of attachment when you were young — and part of becoming a mature woman is growing out of it.

Do you remember how you “loved” when you were a teenager? I do. I had “crushes” on boys and spent hours daydreaming about them. I not only longed for boys I saw at school, but I also became obsessed imagining myself with various young actors and singers.

I recognize this now and smile to myself when I see my friend’s daughters so enthralled with a teenage heartthrob like Justin Beiber. I was at the bookstore yesterday and a girl, maybe 13 yrs. old, was begging her mother to buy her a book on the 17 yr. old singer’s life. Shepleaded with her mom saying, “I promise you I’ll read it every day!”

I didn’t think her mother would give in to her pleading, as much as she wants her daughter to read. I was right. As they walked away the girl was distraught and burst into tears. Her passion for this young man who she had never met overwhelming her.

As you get older, you may find that you form attachments to men that feel much the same way, I know I did for many years. If you haven’t grown out of this phase, you will find yourself becoming overly involved around men and losing your sense of self.

You will look to him for validation and feel devastated if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. When a man shows interest in you, rather than letting go and seeing what happens, you’ll feel as though you have to hold on to him as if your life depended upon it.

For years I tried to hide my neediness and act like I didn’t care around a man and be “cool.” But inside I always felt desperate as if I might lose him at anytime. I thought about him continually and watched every move he made so I wouldn’t miss any signal he might be giving me.

I felt just like I did in high school when I had a crush…obsessed.

But men are not stupid, they can tell when you’re hiding your neediness; when you feel insecure

If your tendency is to hold on too tightly, it’s time to practice letting go

I had to work on my self-esteem so I could learn how to love like an adult and not a teenager. I had to learn that holding on is useless and comes from need rather than love.

xoxo

Virginia Clark

Relationship Coach and Author

http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

~Henry David Thoreau