Dangerous Minds

We’ve all been burned by psychopaths largely because we fell for their lies and their lines.  The better informed people are with their techniques of deception, the more they can recognize them and protect themselves against them. A psychopath gets you within his power largely through deception. As Cleckley noted in The Mask of Sanity, the main reason why people are easily taken in by their lies is not because the lies themselves are that convincing, but because of the psychopaths’ effective rhetorical strategies. What are those?

1. Glibness and Charm. We’ve already seen that these are two of the main personality traits of psychopaths. They know how to use them to their advantage. Psychopaths lie very easily and in a smooth manner. They often pass lie detector tests as well because such tests register emotion, not deception. Psychopaths tend to remain cool under pressure. They can tell you the most implausible stories–such as when they get a call from their girlfriend but tell you that it’s a random call from a jailbird–but do it so matter-of-factly that it makes you want to believe them. Sometimes they distract you from the content of their words with their charm. They look at you lovingly, stroke your hair or your arm and punctuate their speech with kisses, caresses and tender words, so that you’re mesmerized by them instead of focusing on what they’re actually saying.

2. Analogies and Metaphors. Because their facts are so often fabrications, psychopaths often rely upon analogies and metaphors to support their false or manipulative statements. For instance, if they wish to persuade you to cheat on your husband or significant other, they may present their case in the form of an analogy. They may ask you to think of the cheating (or breaking up with your current partner) as a parent who is sparing his drafted child greater harm by breaking his leg to save him from going to war. This analogy doesn’t work at all, of course, if you stop and think about it. Your significant other isn’t drafted to be dumped for a psychopath. You’re not sparing him any pain by breaking his leg or, in this case, his heart. You’re only giving credit to the psychopath’s sophistry and misuse of analogy to play right into his hands, thus hurting both yourself and your spouse.

3. Slander. A psychopath often slanders others, to discredit them and invalidate their truth claims. He projects his faults and misdeeds upon those he hurts. To establish credibility, he often maligns his wife or girlfriend, attributing the failure of his relationship to her faults or misdeeds rather than his own.

4. Circumlocution. When you ask a psychopath a straightforward question that requires a straightforward answer, he usually goes round and round in circles or talks about something else altogether. For instance, when you ask him where he was on the previous night, sometimes he lies. At other times, he tries to divert you by bringing up another subject. He may also use flattery, such as saying how sexy your voice sounds and how much you turn him on. Such distractions are intended to cloud your reasoning and lead you to forget your original question.

5. Evasion. Relatedly, psychopaths can be very evasive. When you ask a psychopath a specific question, he will sometimes answer in general terms, talking about humanity, or men, or women, or whatever: anything but his own self and actions, which is what you were inquiring about in the first place.

6. Pointing Fingers at Others. When you accuse a psychopath of wrongdoing, he’s likely to tell you that another person is just as bad as him or that humanity in general is. The first point may or may not be true. At any rate, it’s irrelevant. So what if person x, y or z–say, one of the psychopath’s friends or girlfriends–has done similarly harmful things or manifests some of his bad qualities? The most relevant point to you, if you’re the psychopath’s partner, should be how he behaves and what his actions say about him. The second point is patently false. All human beings have flaws, of course. But we don’t all suffer from an incurable personality disorder. If you have any doubts about that, then you should research the matter. Google his symptoms, look up psychopathy and see if all or even most of the people you know exhibit them. Of course, even normal individuals can sometimes be manipulative, can sometimes lie and can sometimes cheat. But that doesn’t make our actions comparable to the magnitude of remorseless deceit, manipulation and destruction that psychopaths are capable of. Furthermore, most of us, whatever our flaws, care about others.

7. Fabrication of Details. In The Postmodern Condition, Jean-François Lyotard shows how offering a lot of details makes a lie sound much more plausible. When you give a vague answer, your interlocutor is more likely to sense evasion and pursue her inquiries. But when you present fabricated details–such as when you are with your girlfriend in a hotel room but tell your wife that you were with your male buddy named X, at a Chinese restaurant named Y and ate General Gao chicken and rice which cost a mere $ 5 at a restaurant and discussed your buddy’s troubles with his girlfriend, who has left him because he cheated too much on her–your wife’s more likely to believe your elaborate fiction. Because they excel at improvisation, psychopaths are excellent fabricators of details. Even novelists have reason to envy their ability to make up false but believable “facts” on the spot.

8. Playing upon your Emotions. Very often, when confronted with alternative accounts of what happened, psychopaths play upon your emotions. For example, if his girlfriend compares notes with the wife, a psychopath is likely to ask his wife: “Who are you going to believe? Me or her?” This reestablishes complicity with the wife against the girlfriend, testing the wife’s love and loyalty to him. It also functions as a subterfuge. That way he doesn’t have to address the information offered by the other source. To anybody whose judgment remains unclouded by the manipulations of a psychopath, the answer should be quite obvious. Just about any person, even your garden-variety cheater and liar, is far more credible than a psychopath. But to a woman whose life and emotions are wrapped around the psychopath, the answer is likely to be that she prefers to believe him over his girlfriend or anybody else for that matter. Even in such a hopeless situation–if a psychopath’s partner doesn’t want to face the truth about him–it’s still important to share information with her. Psychopaths form co-dependent, addictive bonds with their so-called “loved” ones. They’re as dangerous to their partners as any hard drug is likely to be. If their partners know about their harmful actions and about their personality disorder, then at least they’re willingly assuming the risk. Everyone has the right to make choices in life, including the very risky one of staying with a psychopath. But at least they should make informed choices, so that they know whom they’re choosing and are prepared for the negative consequences of their decision.

Deception constitutes a very entertaining game for psychopaths. They use one victim to lie to another. They use both victims to lie to a third. They spin their web of mind-control upon all those around them. They encourage antagonisms or place distance among the people they deceive, so that they won’t compare notes and discover the lies. Often they blend in aspects of the truth with the lies, to focus on that small grain of truth if they’re caught. The bottom line remains that psychopaths are malicious sophists. It really doesn’t matter how often they lie or how often they tell the truth. Psychopaths use both truth and lies instrumentally, to persuade others to accept their false and self-serving version of reality and to get them under their control. For this reason, it’s pointless to try to sort out the truth from the lies. As M. L. Gallagher, a contributor to the website lovefraud.com has eloquently remarked, psychopaths themselves are the lie. From hello to goodbye, from you’re beautiful to you’re ugly, from you’re the woman of my life to you mean nothing to me, from beginning to end, the whole relationship with a psychopath is one big lie.

From www.lovefraud.com

Some Reasons Why Men Cheat

In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it.

 

M. Gary Neuman on the  Oprah Winfrey show shared the  unobtrusive ways of finding out if a husband is cheating.

Gary documented these findings -- and many others -- in  "The Truth About Cheating." Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.

Gary says his work as a marriage counselor inspired him to write a book. "For over 20 years, [I've been] living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.

"You want to help children of divorce? I said, 'Well, let's get really down and dirty and find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better.'"

Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women.

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."

 

What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.

"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife." With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself.

"[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

Is cheater choosing prettier women?

How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear -- you name it -- before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it -- even though it was the worst decision of my life."

Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds.

"Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."

How often do men confess to cheating on before being caught?

Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary's study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. "I kind of tell people, 'If you're going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,'" Gary says.

Brian and Anne:

Brian and Anne say they never thought they would have to deal with an affair in their marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night. Yet Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work.

"I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair," Brian says.

Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. "And then you develop some sort of a connection with them through some sort of common interest," he says. "I didn't choose to go have an affair. It just sort of happened."

Gary says Brian is right that most men meet the person they have an affair with in one of two places -- at work or through a hobby. "It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband."

Based on Oprah.com

Not taking it personally

When your partner expresses an unmet need and you criticize yourself about it, you take it personally (hear criticism) and feel hurt. When you accept that you are basically a good person with good intentions, doing the best you can, you are much less likely to take things personally.  Accepting yourself in this way requires practice and self-awareness.  Let's look at some of what this entails.


When you take things personally, you likely find yourself reacting. Either you tell yourself how wrong you are or you say how wrong the other person is.
Most people flip back and forth between the two, feeling alternately, depressed – angry, depressed – angry, . . .

When you have any reaction (by reaction I mean a sudden clenching of the body, heart, and mind - disconnect) to what someone is saying, the first thing to do is ask, "What am I telling myself? What am I making this mean?"  Reaction means a judgment show has begun in your mind. If you can get front row seats to this show, your chances of intervening are much higher.

Take the time to stop and watch your show rather than move on to the next distraction, or even worse, start speaking from your reaction.  Whether you are at work or at home, take a timeout. Bathrooms are great places for timeouts.

During this timeout you call on your calm and nurturing inner parent to dialogue with your judgment thoughts. Here's an example of a dialogue I had with a judgment thought of mine that was stimulated by a conversation in which I perceived criticism from someone's feedback.  In NVC we often use the term jackal to symbolize disconnected thinking, believing, and speaking.  The metaphor helps you to disidentify with your thoughts.

Jackal: You're worthless.
My inner parent: I'm guessing you're scared jackal.
Jackal: Yes. (already with this single line of empathy I could feel my body start to relax).
My inner parent: I'm guessing you think it will somehow be helpful if I believe what you say. How do you think it will be helpful?
Jackal: If you believe me, then you will shut down and get depressed and not take any risks and then we will be safe.
My inner parent: Yea, so you want to be safe from hurt.
Jackal: That's right.
My inner parent: Jackal, what we both know is that depression is actually more painful than any hurt I could experience in my relationships. Do you remember all the pain we've experienced in the past with depression? I want you to know I am committed to keeping us safe. I do this by paying attention to our inner experience through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and talking with others.
And I consistently take the time to do these things, like I am doing right now with you.

This dialogue effectively dissolved this jackal. This was the alpha jackal of a pack that showed up together. So I did several dialogues of this sort before completely relaxing around the situation.

Let's sum up the key elements in learning to respond to yourself with acceptance so that you are less apt to take things personally.

1. Notice when you're reacting.
   1. Know the signs and symptoms of reaction in your body, heart, mind, and behavior.   Anger, collapse, shut down, and turning toward addictions are the most common indicators
2. Choose to take a timeout from the interaction.
3. Get front row seats at your jackal show (Ask: "What am I telling myself?").
4. Access the your calm and nurturing inner parent to give empathy to each jackal and ground yourself in truth.
5. Engage the jackals in a dialogue one by one. This dialogue includes:
   1. Guess the feelings and needs of your jackals
   2. Ground your jackals in what you know is true, (e.g. depression won't make us safe from hurt).
   3. Let your jackals know the concrete strategies you are engaging in to meet the needs they are concerned about.

Practice
Take time now to reflect on the last time your partner tried to express an unmet need and you took it personally.  Go through each of the steps above separately for each of the jackals that came up for you regarding that interaction.

L Charde

...just some painful memories

It’s never easy when a significant relationship ends – whether you wanted it or not. The breakup can turn your world upside down and trigger a number of painful feelings and memories. Loneliness, fits of despair and uncontrollable sobbing become an unwelcome blanket that surrounds your grief. You may try to hide these feelings from your friends…or even bury them deep inside yourself. The only problem is these uninvited emotions will pool; they’ll collect deep inside of you until you’ve become physically ill or reached your breaking point.

The only bandage I know of is the passing of time. I wish there was an enchanted light-switch that could flip off your pain. Just realize that time does help in the healing process and there are some things you can do to help get through this difficult time. Hopefully, once you’re on the other side, you’ll feel stronger, happier and healthier.

Coping and Healing

Why do breakups hurt so much? Because you’re heartbroken. Obviously the relationship was no longer good for one or both of you. You’re aching because you are grieving the end of, not just the relationship, but also the dreams, companionship, excitement and hope for the future. When relationships fail, there is the experience of profound grief, stress and frustration. Everything is upturned…your routine, your circle of friends, and maybe even your identity.

·      *  Remind yourself to be patient; you can and will move on.

·      *  It’s normal to feel angry, sad, confused and anxious. These feelings will lessen with time.

·    *  Don’t go through this alone. Share your feelings and avoid isolating yourself. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

·     * Exercise. I’m a huge advocate of endorphin release.

Above all, honor yourself. Recognize that you are going through a difficult process and that you will be okay. Visualize how you want to feel three months from now and take baby steps to get there. 

How to know when to call it quits

By Shelly Bullard

Break-ups suck. There's no way around it. The actual break-up is hard enough. But sometimes it's the back and forth that happens before the split that really drives us mad.

Should I stay? Should I go? It's crazy-making.

Believe it or not, I believe there is a way to know what the right decision is, and it's my intention in this article to guide you through that process.

First, let's talk about making decisions in general. In my opinion, there are two ways to do it. (Yes, just two. Easy, right?)

The first option is using your ego. Your ego is basically your rational mind; it uses pro and con logic to come to a final answer. And obviously we need our logic--it comes in handy sometimes (I am being facetiously under-dramatic here). No one is dissing logic. But, there are times when this mode of thinking can really mess us up. Trying to get to the heart of the matter is one of those times. 

One of the problems with making complex decisions with the ego is it lives in the world of duality. What exactly is duality? It is the experience of opposites existing at the same time. Duality is, "I want to get the hell out of here, I can't stand it anymore," and the following day (hour, minute, second), "I love him/her so much, there's no way I can leave."

Unfortunately when we use ego-logic to come to decisions about relationships we cannot reach a grounded decision. Because there isn't one! Just when we think we're there--we've decided and we're sticking to it!--something else comes up and we change our minds again. We cycle endlessly between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. This keeps us stuck. And crazy. 

However, there is another voice that has opinions about your life and the decisions you are trying to make. This is your non-dual voice; this is your soul. 

I use many different words to refer to soul--your Higher Self, your intuition, your deeper knowing. Feel free to call it whatever you like. Its name doesn't matter; but knowing what it is, does.

Your soul is a voice that doesn't vacillate back and forth; it simply knows. Yes, knows. That is because the soul orients to life experiences through non-duality. Non-duality essentially means there is one truth. How nice is that? No wavering here.

When we start orienting to ourselves, to our relationships, and to our world from the position of Soul, we start feeling a lot more clarity. Soul is really just a deeper knowing. I don't pretend to know how it works and what exactly it is, but I do know that when I call upon it, it is there clear as day.

Some of us may be skeptical to listen to this voice within us to make decisions. Especially the big decisions. Especially decisions about our relationships. But the truth is, relationships are complex. People are complex. If we only use our ego-logic to evaluate our relationships, we are going to find ourselves vacillating back-and-forth until the end of time. When we learn to use our intuition to guide us in such matters, the decisions become clear.

Often it's a process to start making decisions with your intuition. First, you have to listen. Listening means quieting your chattering mind! 

Your intuition cannot be heard when you are angry, frustrated, fearful, or feeling any other strong, uncomfortable feelings. 

You know, all those feelings that make you want to make decisions right now?! Yeah, don't do it. This is not a moment of clarity--this is a feeling, and it is going to pass. 

Feel your feelings first and once they stabilize call upon your intuition for the answer. Your soul can only be heard from a centered place.

Next, you have to trust your intuition and act accordingly. This can be challenging; it can take some getting used to. We're scared it's not the right decision! We don't trust ourselves! Let me tell you something: that deeper voice inside of you? Trust it. Trust me, trust it. The more you actively listen to that still, small voice within you, the more you will see how right-on it is.

With enough practice I can assure you that you will learn soon enough how well your intuition knows what is best for you. I personally have had enough experiences to know that my intuition is always guiding me in the right direction. It simply knows the way. 

If you find yourself struggling in that back-and-forth, yes-and-no mentality, realize you have hit the wall of ego. It is time to search a little deeper for the truth; it's time to call upon your Soul.

My advice to anyone wondering whether or not they should stay or leave a relationship is this: before you make any big decisions, come back to a state of peace and centeredness and see what your gut is telling you about the situation. 

You have to really listen. Quiet your ego-mind and drop into a deeper sense of self. Know there is wisdom within you that can always be accessed and trusted. What is it telling you? Be brave and let it be your guide. It will show you the way.

Choosing Attachment

By LaShelle Charde
Understanding the necessity of attachment in your life is fundamental to thriving.  The basic psycho-emotional-physiological attachment bond with others is part of what keeps you balanced and feeling whole.  Unfortunately it is not always so easy to discern a healthy attachment bond from co-dependence.

I know I have felt torn, feeling the natural impulse to create a deep bond with my partner, while at the same worrying about losing myself and being co-dependent.

The trick is making it a conscious decision.  Choosing to enter into an attachment bond with someone means trusting your heart and vulnerability to their caretaking while maintaining your own sense of self-responsibility and choice.

Suffering from poor attachment with my parents, I am still learning how to create healthy attachment in relationships. I spent many years in desperate and hurt feelings as the people I dated and befriended weren't able to respond in the way I needed.  In one failed relationship after another I unconsciously lunged towards those that I thought might be able to fulfill this longing.  In the face of such a powerful drive, I had no access to wise discernment.  But slowly over time, with much suffering, reflection, and support the pattern has begun to reveal itself.

There are many resources on attachment, so I won't get into the theory of that here. I have included some resources at the end of the article, if you would like to learn more.

What I want to emphasize here is an affirmation of your drive toward bonding deeply with another in a conscious mindful way.  Choosing to bond with another is a choice you make again and again, moment after moment.  It's not about jumping into the deep end and hoping she or he will catch you.  It's about allowing another to know you deeply and hold you with care from his or her own conscious choosing to do so.

If you have a sense that a healthy attachment bond is missing in your life, you can begin to explore this by taking little steps with people you trust and with whom you have consistent in person contact.  Mentors, therapists, spiritual teachers, and partners are all likely candidates.

Start to notice how you block the bond and how you let it grow.  For myself, one way I notice that I habitually block a bond is by creating a rigidity in my torso, I sit too straight.  I then move my attention away from feeling and into analysis or subtle, but removed, observation.  While I can sometimes gain insight from this maneuver, I do it at cost to the potential bond with the person present.

In addition to your own thoughts, energy, and body, you might also reflect on your use of technology like facebook, twitter, email, movies, and blogs as possible blocks to bonding.  Technology provides channels for information and entertainment.  It may even serve as a periphery support to a real connection, but it can never replace in person human contact. 

Take a moment now and choose one relationship in which you would like to be especially mindful about this week.  Pay close attention to how you hold back and how you let this other person see you and hold you.