Issues that come up during the Holidays

4 Issues That Come Up In Couples Counseling During The Holidays

AuthorBy Samantha Rodman, Talkspace Therapist
Posted:December 22, 2016

The holiday season can be a wonderful time of closeness with loved ones, but it also causes a lot of stress for many couples. Couples counseling can provide a safe space to work through many common issues that plague couples during the pressure-filled holiday season.

If you are in counseling, some of these issues might resonate with you. Maybe you can raise them in upcoming sessions. If you’re not seeing a therapist, and any of these issues have led to significant conflict in your relationship, it could be time to schedule an appointment with a counselor who can help you work through these concerns.

Whose Family “Gets” Which Holiday?

Particularly when kids enter the equation, deciding which set of grandparents “gets” Thanksgiving or Christmas (or whatever other holiday is celebrated) can lead to explosive fights.

Sometimes this argument is not only about the holidays themselves, but about deeper issues of which set of parents receives more of the couple’s time, effort and attention. When a person feels like their family is being given short shrift, this generally indicates a level of insecurity about their own position and priority in the couple unit.

Personality-level issues in in-laws can be exacerbated during the stress of the holidays. For example, narcissists may try to make the holidays about them, leading to massive frustration for their child or their child’s spouse.

How Much Should We Spend?

This is another issue that becomes more difficult with children. A couple might find it easier to agree on a budget for gifts and entertaining until they have children. At this point one partner might want to allot significantly more than the other to holiday spending. Because partners often start with different spending styles, the addition of a large stressor like the holiday season can lead to a sharp uptick in the frequency of arguments surrounding money.

How Much Should We Socialize?

Many couples are comprised of one introvert and one extrovert. These couples often find it hard to agree on the “right” amount of socializing during the holiday season.

Extroverts want to attend every party or get-together thrown by family, friends or co-workers. Introverts feel overextended almost after the first mandatory holiday-themed work event. Both partners may struggle with empathizing while getting their needs met for socializing versus recharge time.

Which Holiday Should We Focus On?

In dual-religion or dual-ethnicity couples that celebrate more than one holiday, it can be a struggle to figure out which holiday should take precedent in the case of overlap. This season, for example, Christmas and Chanukah come at the same time. This issue will become more salient for many couples where one partner is Christian and the other is Jewish.

These issues, and many others, can sap the holiday season of joy and relaxation. If these concerns are sabotaging your chance to enjoy the holidays, discuss them with a couples counselor. Getting concerns out in the open with a neutral third party can bring couples at least part of the way toward a resolution.

Dr. Samantha Rodman is in private practice in Maryland, and is the founder of DrPsychMom.com. She is a frequent contributor to The Huffington Post, The Washington Post, Babble and PsychCentral. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter @DrPsychMom. You can also order her upcoming book, “52 Emails To Transform Your Marriage.”

5 Ways to Stay Independent & Maintain a Strong Relationship

By Summer Rayne Oakes

As a strong, independent woman, I recognize the need for autonomy in my own life — in and out of a romantic relationship. And as a close friend of Kate’s — who is another self-reliant, freethinking individual — I couldn’t help but inquire about how she manages being a wife and mother. “I am still working through the transition,” she confided. “[I realized] we had to be partners and get past the love part. The love part becomes the foundation you rely on when things get tough.”

After the conversation, we came up with five ways to be autonomous while maintaining a strong relationship. Ironically, I feel that preserving some of your independence only gives a relationship more strength, spontaneity and longevity.

1. Take a time out. 

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in a relationship, particularly if you're spending your time tending to the needs of other people and forgetting your own. When you identify this, do yourself a favor and take a time out. Go read a book, take a walk in the park, get a massage, or even take a hot shower to have some quiet time.

2. Don’t forget your friends.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they never see you anymore ever since you’ve been hitched? The strong bond you build with your friends is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. After all, to whom can you turn if the waters get a little turbulent with your significant other? Make the time for close friends — even if it’s one day a week. A girl’s or guy’s night out may just be the recipe for a successful relationship in the long run. 

3. Have your own hobbies.

As much as it's important to have activities that you do with one another, it's also vital to maintain your own sense of self through activities that speak to your individuality. Perhaps you and your counterpart love to run together, but he or she can’t stand yoga. That’s ok. Explore the activities that bring you together and don’t be afraid to continue to do the ones that give you a sense of self. 

4. Have some alone time.

Beyond taking a time out, it's important to give yourself an extended vacation from life once in a while. “I need a lot of time by myself to recharge,” Kate admits. This may mean taking a retreat away to another city or training for a triathlon or half-marathon, which gives you an extended amount of time to let your mind wander. 

5. Communicate openly. 

Communicating openly with your loved one is far and away the most important aspect to the health and longevity of any relationship. Even if you don't see eye-to-eye all the time, there's an undeniable power behind telling your counterpart when you feel as if you need time away. This will only add to a deeper understanding of your needs, and often will result in a compromise that you can both agree on. 

Dual Career Families

A dual-career family has been defined as a couple whose work meets three basic criteria: (a) employment that is important to the individuals, (b) employment that has a developmental sequence over time, and (c) employment that has a high degree of commitment by each individual (Hiller and Dyehouse as cited in Spiker-Miller and Kees (1995).

            Fewer families follow the traditional model of wife as primary caregiver and husband as primary breadwinner. As families make plans for the future of their family and careers, gender roles tend to break down when couples experience dual-career dynamics.

            Five concerns faced by dual-career families are: (a) interpersonal tension caused by expectations, (b) role conflict, (c) childcare issues, (d) relationship conflicts, and (e) personal factors.

            Nearly all families face conflict between work and family roles (Tatman et al, 2006).  Although a study by Gilbert, as cited in Zunker (2006) reports that dual-career families are committed to supporting each other in a role-sharing environment, personal experience suggests that Goldenberg and Goldenberg (2002) are closer to reality when describing the balance between work and family. Interpersonal tension arises when couples have difficulty fulfilling undefined family roles. The division of household work coupled with the responsibility of career can create tension in the home environment.

As the family system moves away from traditional roles, men and women may experience role-conflict in a dual-career family. Again, the division and fair balance of household tasks can lead to miscommunication, resentment and role-overload. As a result, the family unit suffers from such a negatively charged environment.

With both parents working, childcare issues become a “critical issue” (Zunker, 2006, p. 331).  Finding appropriate childcare that complements working parents’ work hours, budget, and expectations is difficult and stressful. Additionally, parents may have concern about their children spending long hours away from the home environment in a daycare center. From personal experience, the first two weeks are the most heart wrenching; dropping off a crying child in an unfamiliar environment creates feelings of guilt and regret.

Two individuals, focused on career achievement, and committed to marital bliss, may find themselves in out-of-balance when it comes to the decision-making process (Zunker, 2006). In order to foster and nurture a healthy, balanced dual-career family, partners should strive towards equity in the decision making process.

Lastly, individual career development stages can greatly affect one partner’s viewpoint on another partner’s career goals. One partner may have experienced vocational success and reached the point where career has become secondary to family activities. In this situation, the partner who is still striving for career success may feel unsupported, guilty for a sense of achievement, or even held-back.