Getting over a Breakup

50 Ways to Get over a Breakup

Deciding to dissolve a marriage or end a relationship can be one of the most painful times in a person's life. Like Paul Simon sang, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. You've chosen one of them. What's next is the process of relearning self-love.

This is a time ripe with possibility and lessons, if you're willing and open to receive the gifts that dissolution brings. One huge gift is the opportunity to remember aspects of yourself that you've forgotten. You may find that you've been searching outside of yourself for a love that can only come from within.

Many of us have experienced pouring our love into our partners, and forgetting to pour that same love into ourselves. A breakup provides the opportunity to choose to spend time taking exquisite care of yourself.

And for those who aren't going through a breakup, it's never a bad time to pour love into yourself so deeply that you have the felt sense of being adored.

Here are 50 ways to be your own lover.

1. Treat yourself to a massage.
2. Take a walk in Mother Nature, noticing Her bounty by focusing on the sounds, scents, sights, and textures She has to offer.
3. Leave one day a week completely unscheduled. Notice (and follow) the creative impulses that arise.
4. Call your best friend and share the qualities you most appreciate about him or her.
5. Smile at a stranger and breathe into the sense of connection between you.
6. Wake up at dawn to meditate.
7. Rub warm oil all over your body and then lay down and be present with the sensations that arise.
8. Drink a cup of warm water with lemon and raw honey each morning (this is how you love your digestive system).
9. Volunteer.
10. Buy lunch for a colleague.
11. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and sip a warm beverage.
12. Snuggle into your most comfortable chair and read purely for fun.
13. When you feel sad, scared, or angry, breathe into it and stay present until the wave of feeling passes.
14. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you, three times a day, to take 5 belly breaths and come home to yourself.
15. Take a leisurely bath (or a really long shower) using products that delight your senses.
16. Eat dessert slowly, savoring the taste, texture, smell, and sight of your food.
17. Practice deep relaxation at least once a week.
18. Spend time in the company of a wise teacher, either in person, by reading a book, or by watching a video.
19. Cultivate a new habit that supports your mind and body (such as yoga, meditation, tai chi, qi gong), and stick to it.
20. Put on your favorite song and have a dance party with yourself.
21. When you feel an emotion, acknowledge it to yourself and breathe into the place where you feel it in your body.
22. When you wake up in the morning, say aloud the things for which you are most grateful.
23. Dance naked to music.
24. Eat more foods that contribute to your felt sense of aliveness, and slowly stop eating those that dampen your energy.
25. Drink more water.
26. Try an activity that in the past has scared you.
27. Notice where you hold yourself back and start to live full out in those places. What would you do if no one was watching?
28. Express yourself as if each day was your last.
29. Forgive yourself for that one thing that you use to beat yourself up.
30. Read yourself a Hafiz poem aloud.
31. Chant or sing the names of the Divine.
32. Draw or paint the way that you feel.
33. Buy something that contributes to your experience of your own beauty.
34. Slow down.
35. Book a vacation and leave your phone at home.
36. Lie on your back with your legs up the wall until you feel completely relaxed.
37. Make time daily for stillness and quiet.
38. Notice those places inside that hurt and bring some love there.
39. Watch your favorite film (no multitasking allowed).
40. Cook yourself a nourishing meal.
41. Take a day trip to a new place.
42. Practice loving-kindness meditation.
43. Read yourself a Rumi poem each morning.
43. Forgive someone.
44. At the end of each day, appreciate something about yourself.
45. Write a poem to the beloved inside of you.
46. Donate to your favorite charity.
47. Love the parts of you that you've found unlovable.
48. Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day and notice the resulting vitality.
49. Put on your favorite song and sing your heart out.
50. Begin to see that everything that happens to you is there to help you learn.

Hearing without Defending

You arrive fifteen minutes late for an appointment with your partner.  She expresses her disappointment and need for predictability and asks you to call or text next time you are going to be late.

You bristle.  You see her face and how upset she is and start to defend yourself.  At the speed of light jackals flood your consciousness with ideas that she is judging you and making you wrong.  If you are the wrong one here, then she'll break up with you.  Or worse yet, it will mean you are a bad person, an incompetent failure.  You better prove yourself.

Under the influence of defensiveness you quickly minimize her feelings and needs and start to make a case for how you are good person.  It might sound like this, "I arrive late one time and you get all upset.  You should be glad I made it.  I always call when I am late, which is rare, and this one time you have to make an issue of it!"

Now your partner is reacting too and begins to recount all the times you were late and makes a case for how difficult it has been for her dealing with your issues about being on time.
The conversation escalates into more disconnect from here.  How can you keep from getting caught in this painful pattern of attack -defend?

Here are three keys to hearing your partner's feelings, needs and requests in a way that creates connection.

1.  Connect with Yourself First:    Every time you feel the impulse to defend, you can connect with yourself in one or more of the following ways:

• Repeat a reminder phrase to yourself.  Maybe something like, "I'm not a bad person because my partner is upset."  Or  "This is not about me."  Or  "It's okay for my partner to be upset."  Or  "I can hear her without taking the blame."  Or  "I am feeling defensiveness and want to remind myself that I know my intentions are good and I am a good person."

• Do something physical to interrupt your defensive pattern like lean back in your chair, take three deep breaths, or take a bathroom break.

• Put your awareness in your heart.  You can put your hand on your heart and just acknowledge the difficulty and the longing to be seen and accepted.  Breath through your heart of you feel your hand there.

2.  Stay Specific and Now:  Only talk about the current situation.  If you think you are already doing what she is asking, then ask if she can be more specific about her request. For example, "When I think that I already did what you requested, I feel confused and need more clarity.  Can you tell me exactly what it would look like if your need was met?"

3.  Offer Empathy:  Reflecting back to your partner her feelings and needs not only helps her to know she is heard, but also can help you move out of right/wrong thinking.  The important part here is to connect her feeling to her need, e.g., "I hear you feel disappointed because you need predictability.", rather than, "I hear you feel disappointed because I let you down."

So often I hear couples try to give empathy when they are really assigning blame, e.g., "You feel disappointed because I didn't call."  While this is a common way of expressing, it perpetuates a sense of being responsible for each other feelings.  When this happens you miss out on the opportunity to choose from the heart to meet each other's needs.

Practice
This week, notice when you have the impulse to defend by explaining, justifying, minimizing, or building a case.  Choose one or more of the practice steps listed above.  Interrupt your habit of defending and practice with one of the steps above.  You could even ask the other person for a re-do after you have defended and try out one of these practices.