Meeting your Partner's Reactivity

Meeting your partner's reactivity is often quite difficult.  You likely find yourself in one of the following scenarios.  Your partner reacts and you react back with defending, attacking, submitting, or shutting down.  Your partner reacts and you walk away, working to contain your own reactivity or simply refusing to engage.  Your partner reacts and you are able to see through it easily to his or her feelings and needs and so you offer an empathy guess.  Your partner reacts and you express your own feelings, needs, and request. 

In the last scenario, you are expressing honestly.  A true expression of your feelings and needs and an effective request, can be pretty hard to access while facing your partner's reactivity.  On the other hand, if you can stay connected to yourself in this way, you call your partner and your relationship into a different level or relating and you interrupt the cycle of reactivity.  

Being able to offer your honest expression in the heat of the moment is dependent on the amount of reflection and practice you have done when things are not heated.  My hope for you is that every reactive interaction with your partner is a cue for you to take time to reflect on your own feelings and needs and what you would like to happen differently in the future.  Ignoring reactive exchanges in your relationship for the sake of superficial harmony, is a high cost strategy.  Every ignored reactive exchange lives as a toxin in your relationship, perniciously destabilizing your connection.

When you do take the time to reflect, it's important to separate the details/topic or trigger from the reactive state itself, these are two separate conversations.  Sometimes your lawyering mind wants to hold onto and argue about details in the hopes of proving the validity of your needs.  Embodying NVC consciousness means letting go of the crutches you have used to prove your needs are valid, and surrendering to the deeper truth that it is your birthright to thrive and pursue thriving.

As you focus on your partner's reactive behavior, honest expression becomes easier.  It might sound something like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  The next time you have the impulse to call me a name would you be willing to take three deep breaths and tell me what you are needing?"

In the example above, you can see that the request offers a specific do-able action for the next similar situation.  When you are telling someone about something that doesn't work for you, the temptation is to make a "don't" request.  For example:  "Don't get reactive with me.", "Don't call me names.", "Don't yell at me.", "Don't shut down."  These requests are about moving away from something, avoiding or averting.  They are ineffective for a couple of reasons.  

First, everything anyone does is an attempt to meet needs, so when you say "don't" and that person doesn't know another way to try to meet that need, you are asking someone to hold back their life force.  When anyone works to hold back their life force, they are moving into a depression.  I am guessing that's not what you want to create.

The question is:  What do you want to create?  A "don't" request doesn't answer this question.  A request that asks someone to do something different moves you toward creating the relationship you want.  Of course, your request is only a guess at what the other person might be willing to do to meet your needs.  When you don't have a guess, it's okay to collaborate around the request.  It might sound like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  
Is there something specific you would be willing to do differently the next time have the impulse to call me a name? or Could we brainstorm ideas about what we could both do to interrupt reactivity the next time it comes up?"

Working together in this way, you and your partner stay grounded in your needs and how you would like to meet them in your relationship.

Practice
This week notice when someone is doing something that's not working for you.  Each time you hear yourself thinking or expressing a "don't" request, pause, connect to your needs and the needs that you guess are alive for the other person, and imagine what he or she could do instead.

~LaShelle Lowe Charde

The True Secrets for Happy Marriage

by Mira and Charles on December 13th, 2011

The ultimate, best ever, top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a long, satisfying marriage

If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.

The point is — and it’s a revolutionary point, when you think about it — that you don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force. All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in your golden years.

Okay, in no particular order, here are our top 10 most important do’s and don’ts:

1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.

2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking and then saying, “Yes, but…” and then immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about asking questions when the other person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around everything she feels about this issue.

3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are important. Say how much you’ve valued every little thing your partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.

4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right. Now it doesn’t matter what you do for fun — that’s different for everybody. But know what your fun things are and make sure you do them.

5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be in a relationship with you. Here’s an example. Think about how you must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you’re kind of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that’s not so fun? Be honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn’t just about coming home from work; it’s about other ways you are in your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, that’s just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn’t want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?

6. DON’T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers, downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you want to get the heck away from.

7. DON’T live in the past. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t talk about the past. Look, I know you’ve both done things to hurt each other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.

8. DON’T deny your most important needs. When you identify which unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are. Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each other’s needs, love thrives.

9. DON’T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your relationship is like a fountain of youth. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that’s important too. But just as important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing each other’s feet or shoulders. You should have some warm, meaningful physical contact every day.

10. DON’T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it’s not everything. It certainly can’t give you what you can get for yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your marriage do more for you than it can, you’ll end up polluting it with your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your marriage, the two support each other.