6 Things to Say to Someone with Depression or Who’s Depressed

By JOHN M. GROHOL, PSY.D. 

Lots of people experience depression, while others just have bad days or just are feeling down on themselves. No matter why they’re depressed, sad, or unmotivated to do much of anything, one thing is certain — it’s a tough feeling to experience. Depression is isolating — like you’re all alone in it, and that it will never end.
As a friend or partner of someone who’s experiencing that depression or feeling blue, what can you do to help? After all, there’s a lot of advice telling you what not to say to a depressed person and things that most people don’t want to hear when they’re feeling down.

We crowd-sourced the following list by querying our Facebook friends about what they’d like to hear when they’re feeling down, blue, or depressed. Here are a few of their very, very good suggestions.

1. You’re right, this sucks.

The generalization is that men are problem solvers, and women are listeners. People who are depressed don’t want problem solvers — they’ve usually run through all the scenarios and solutions in their head already. They just can’t do it.
What they’re looking for instead is simple acknowledgement and empathy.

2. You don’t walk this path alone. I’m here if you need me.

When a person is depressed, one of the feelings many people experience is an overwhelming sense of loneliness — that no one can understand what they’re going through. They are all alone.
A reminder from a friend or loved one that, indeed, they’re not alone and they are loved can be invaluable. It also reminds them of the reality — that people in their life do love them and are there for them if they need them.

3. I believe in you… You’re awesome!

Sometimes a person has given up hope that they’ll amount to anything in life. They’ve lost all belief in themselves, and feel like nothing they do is right or good enough. Their self-esteem is, in a word, shot.
That’s why it can be helpful to reaffirm that you believe in them. You believe in their ability to once again experience hope, to be the person you once were — or even more. That they are still an awesome person, if even if they’re not feeling that way at the moment.

4. How can I help? What can I do for you?

One part of the way many people experience depression is that they have little motivation to do things that need to get done. Offer your support and direct assistance in getting something done for them. It might be picking up a prescription, a few groceries from the store, or simply getting the mail. Offer this help only if you’re willing to do what is asked of you.

5. I’m here if you want to talk (walk, go shopping, get a bit to eat, etc.).

This is more of a direct suggestion, choosing something that you know the friend or loved one is going to be interested in doing. Maybe they just want to talk (and need you to simply listen). Maybe they need a nudge to get up, get changed, and go out and just dosomething — anything. You can be that person to help them get moving.

6. I know it’s hard to see this right now, but it’s only temporary… Things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Look to that day.

When a person’s depressed, sometimes they lose all perspective. Depression can feel like an endless black hole in which there’s no way to climb out of. Saying something along these lines reminds them that all of our emotions and moods are not permanent, even if they feel like they are.

Is your Toxic Relationship Affecting your Health?

Adrenal Fatigue and Toxic Relationships

By: Michael Lam, MD, MPH
and Dorine Lam, RD, MS, MPH

The leading cause of Adrenal Fatigue is chronic stress. Stressors can be physical, financial, or emotional. Those who are over-exerting themselves physically, such as serious athletes have a higher propensity of developing Adrenal Fatigue. Physical stress can usually be reversed once the body is allowed to rest and nurtured back to health. Other stressors like overwork, poor diet, and overexertion, usually act as underlying triggers of adrenal crashes. Financial distress in and of itself is seldom the root cause.

The most common stressor of Adrenal Fatigue is emotional and mental stress and distress.

 Some unresolved toxic relationships, which gradually wear our bodies down over time, usually cause such stress.

It is truly amazing how much your emotional health can influence your physical health. 

Adrenal Fatigue, along with dysautonomia, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome(POTS), and a host of emerging conditions, represents a new class of conditions in modern medicine linking the mind and the body. Adrenal Fatigue can be considered a mind-body disorder. A strong mind-body connection is a powerful healing force you can harness for better health. However, on the flip-side, as in Adrenal Fatigue, the mind-body connection can be a devastating negative force capable ruining your body.

Numerous studies support the belief that people with an upbeat and positive perspective tend to be healthier and enjoy longer lives than those who are generally gloomy and cynical about the future. Epigeneticism is now emerging as a primary influence factor. This centers on the notion that environmental factors such as diet and stress influence the expression of your genes.

 It is the expression of your genes--not the genes themselves--that dictates whether you develop certain diseases. For example, if you have constitutionally weak adrenal glands at birth, stress may cause this weakness to be expressed, leading to Adrenal Fatigue.

 The absence of stress, on the other hand, can delay the expression of this weakness for an indefinite period. As you age, your genes do not change, but your epigenome changes dramatically. It is influenced by physical and emotional stresses--how you respond to everything that happens in your environment, from climate change to marriage to final exams to childhood abuse--that will ultimately affect your epigenome. 

A toxic relationship can influence the expression of your genes, and directly impact your tendency to avoid or develop many unpleasant conditions, from heart palpitations, and Adrenal Fatigue to depression.

Studies have shown:

• Heart surgery patients with strong spiritual and social support have a mortality rate 1/7th of those who do not.
• Meditation for just 30 minutes a day can be as effective as the use of antidepressants.
• Elderly people with positive attitudes have an over twenty percent reduction in risk of death from cardiovascular disease and over fifty percent lower risk from all other causes.

Clearly, the ability to have a positive mental attitude greatly affects your physical health. This is true in the case of Adrenal Fatigue. In fact, if emotional stressors are present but not resolved, they can act as a deterrent to Adrena Fatigue recovery.

Being able to manifest positive emotions and happiness is perhaps one of the greatest characteristics you have as a human being. For some this can be a very liberating thought. You do not have to feel bad because you're getting older or fatigued all the time, or because your life isn't going exactly as you had planned. You actually do not have to feel bad for any reason at all, once you make your mind up to be happy.

Adrenal Fatigue may actually be one of the best things that happen to you if put in the right perspective. For many, it is a wake up call. Often, some area of life is out of balance or alignment. Addressing Adrenal Fatigue is often the starting point for a deeper exploration of self and of life at a deeper level. Most people live superficially. Correcting Adrenal Fatigue often causes a person to begin to live at a much deeper level and to understand the body and mind from a more spiritual perspective as well. It forces you to focus on what is really important in life-such as peace, love, forgiveness, contentment.

Adrenal Fatigue or any serious condition is not to be handled as quickly as possible with a quick fix. If you act this way, you may miss the greatest blessing of your life. Use this condition constructively as a way of really listening and getting to know your body; to let go of toxic and harmful relationships, and cultivate subtle changes in attitude and mental tendencies. Try to move away from a superficial life that focuses on victim and negative thinking into one that, no matter how painful, is far more peaceful and serene. Bear in mind that having a positive attitude is not about being happy all the time. Accepting that there will be times when you feel down is all part of being happy.

While in reality we already have the full potential to be happy and are in full control of our capacity for happiness, most of us find it extremely difficult. In fact, statistics have shown that the majority of society is unhappy with one thing or another-job, finance, or relationship. Out of all these, relationship remains the most difficult to overcome.

In Adrenal Fatigue, the healing of the mind has to occur before healing of the physical body, because the mind controls the body. Emotional baggage has to be discarded if present, as it is toxic to the healing process. Toxic relationships therefore must be minimized for the mind and body to heal.

Toxic Relationships

All important, long-term relationships go through problems at some point in time. Whether it is family, marriage, or friendships, there will always be some type of conflict, disagreement and disappointment. A hallmark of emotional maturity is to bond with the significant other during difficult times and grow through the experience. However, some relationships are just plain toxic. No matter how they try to work through troubles, the conflicts and friction are so serious as to continually hurt one or more of the people in the relationship. This type of relationship singles out at least one person in an emotional desert.

Toxic relationships do not necessarily mean that the people concerned are bad. It is more about the people not fitting well with one another. Goodness or badness might not have anything to do with it. One person's style just clashes with the other person, creating a toxic relationship. There was good chemistry at one point, but with time, the people have grown and changed, thus altering the relationship. This is all part of human nature, and there is no one to blame. However, it can still be toxic all the same.

There are also toxic people who are a risk for emotional health. They usually have short tempers, mood swings, inconsistencies, denial and impulsive behavior. They might admit that behavior is wrong, but never try to correct their ways. They contradict the other as they say something, but do something else. Behavior might be quite abusive with only shallow feelings for their partners, shown through threats of leaving or holding back their love. A toxic person does not care about his/her partner and can even accuse him/her of self-centeredness. These people manipulate their companions and situations to keep their partner dependent on them even though they look down on them with shame, insult, and sarcasm.

Being in a toxic relationship can make you chronically tired, angry, and frightened. You worry about when is a safe time to talk to your partner or if you have the right to express yourself. Any abusive relationship can be considered toxic. Many people stay in relationships because they do not understand that they have rights and options. Their low self-esteem can come from depression, fear of loneliness, or harmful threats from an abusive partner. They might not see that life can be better without the toxic relationship.

Danger Signs

• Your partner separates you from your family, friends, and children.
• Your partner keeps watch over you.
• Your partner verbally abuses you either in private or in public.
• You lose your self-identity as you depend more on you partner, not knowing how to survive without him/her.
• Your partner dominates you, not leaving any space for your preferences.
• You are afraid of telling the truth for fear of upsetting your partner.
• Your self-esteem is always at a low level as your partner makes you feel worthless and unattractive.
• Your partner blames you for ruining the relationship and tries to make you change to make things work.
• Your thoughts, words, opinions, and accomplishments have no value.
• Your partner is overly possessive and overpowering.

Feelings that Define the Characteristics of a Toxic Relationship

• Unsupported
• Dis-satisfied
• Fearful
• Exasperated
• Depleted
• Drained
• Unaccepted
• Unrewarded
• Judged
• Guilt
• Tired
• Angry
• Untrusting
• Unequal
• Stifled
• Shame
• Stressed

Recognizing a Toxic Relationship Cycle

Though most of us want to find love and intimacy, we also find ourselves fearful of being hurt, worrying about commitment, and dreading abandonment—also known as anxiety. Our relationship comfort zone is flanked by behavior patterns that are neither too close to trigger fusion anxiety, nor too distant to trigger separation anxiety. These boundaries have been formed in our childhood and seldom change without conscious awareness. They also create patterns that can lead to a toxic relationship cycle.

In a toxic relationship cycle, power struggles arise many times without finding solutions. Intimacy turns to conflicts, which lead to anxiety. These anxieties then lead to arguments, hurt feelings, and withdrawal. Though withdrawals might bring temporary relief, they ultimately become feelings of isolation and loneliness, thus setting off anxieties about abandonment. This separation anxiety leads to new proposals and renewed intimacy as the couple goes through a honeymoon period. However, this closeness will soon trigger fusion anxiety and trouble starts all over again, repeating the cycle. Each time the cycle occurs, the adrenals take a beating. With each stress, the adrenal glands demand for cortisol is increased. With time, this output eventually declines, and symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue surfaces.

Couples who do not understand the cycles they are going through might eventually forget the positive elements in their relationship. Many of the problems in relationships are the product of varying comfort zone settings. When one person hits one side of the comfort zone boundary and is already experiencing fusion anxiety, the other person might just be following his/her desirable depth of intimacy. As the first person reverses direction and comes back into the comfort zone, the partner might feel abandoned; their mutual anxiety explodes and accusations are thrown at each other. For many of us, not understanding about the role of anxiety in relationships condemns us to be hurt constantly. However, if we try to face our anxiety, we can change the comfort zone relationship into a healthy, relationship characterized by a mutually reinforcing growth process. Not only will our selfhood grow, but also the sense of couple-hood will deepen.

In order to change a static comfort zone relationship into an actively growing relationship, we must train ourselves to stop in the middle of a conflict and engage in self-awareness. Ask questions like, "How did this fight start?" and "What am I anxious about?" or "How am I feeling threatened?" Using these questions might allow us to figure out a path to self-knowledge and deeper peace in our relationships. Intimate relationships awaken our deepest anxieties, and therefore can help us to grow personally and emotionally when used intelligently.

Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

Being around a toxic person for a long time might greatly decrease your sense of self-worth and capability. It is very important to stop the harm that people cause you. If your life is distressing, you are the only one who can change it. Here are some tips on how to live a better life by nullifying the negative influence of toxic relationships:

• Take Responsibility. Understand that some part of you is contributing to the behaviors. Ask yourself why you are willing to allow the behaviors to continue. What can you learn from this?
• Set Boundaries. Let your partner know that they cannot go around you. Describe what you are looking for and what your expectations are for the future.
• Forgive. People are not usually toxic at birth. The environment and circumstances over time mold us in to who we are. Learn to see the good in a person beneath the toxicity on the surface. Learn to forgive and return love, which is our primary purpose on earth. Use love to heal one another.
• List the positive characteristics of the person. This will help you alter your focus. If you continually focus on negative aspects, the person will be negative whenever they are around you.
• Get a new perspective from a neutral party, who has no bias against your relationship—for example a counselor, coach, neighbor, or co-worker. The key is not to vent to the person or create someone to pity you. The point is for the other person to help you focus on the situation, the part you have played, and what you are willing to do to move forward.
• End the Relationship. If nothing changes after you have tried all of the above, walk away from your relationship with your head held high.

Unless you remove the negative toxic relationships from your life, the constant negative energy flow needed to sustain the toxicity prevents Adrenal Fatigue healing. To channel the toxic negative energy into positive constructive energy is key to the healing process.

The Alarms: Anger, Guilt & Shame

Lashelle Charde


Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that important needs are up and that you are are engaging in "should" thinking.  While it's important to feel and name anger, guilt, and shame; it's equally important not to take action from them. These alarm feelings are your cue to pause and reflect on your thinking and your needs.


Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.


Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.


Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs

Fear Of Intimacy: No, You Can’t Spend The Night

A friend shared this article with me and I wanted to pass it on...


You’d be surprised at how many men expect to spend the night after you’ve slept with them for the first time.

Now, to be fair, I guess they generally have some reason to expect that. I’m far too awkward for one night stands, so we’ve probably been dating for some time. And we’ve expressed some sort of affection for each other. I have probably even told him that I like him and find him attractive – I’m sappy that way, like a Hallmark card. Which may be why, approximately one minute and thirty seconds after we’ve finished (I watch the clock), they look surprised when I say one of the following:

1) Gosh! That was lovely. There’s an all-night diner up my street, why don’t we get dressed and go there? (And then you should go back to your apartment).

2) Well, I’d love for you to stay the night, but I just have so much work to do. At 3:00 in the morning. Which is when I like to work. (I’ll just be sitting at my computer playing Civilization III which is all I ever do at 3:00 in the morning. Empire building is my job).

3) I’m sorry, I just have to get up really early for a thing. A breakfast thing. So, it’ll be best if I sleep alone. (Please don’t quiz me on the “breakfast thing.” I’ll make up something super insane if I’m put on the spot like “It’s with the Dalai Llama!”)

4) It’s such a shame that you have to start work so early. Though it’s great! I really admire how hard you work. You know, the northeast corner across from my building is usually the quickest spot to get a cab.    (I would offer to drive him, but, New York).

Or simply:

Such a pity you can’t spend the night. (Because presumably we live in a nightmare world where no one ever spends the night anywhere, ever).

There are some people who know me well – hi, Mom! - who assume I don’t let gentleman callers sleep over because I’m just being considerate. I’m a terrible sleeper. While I’ve finally conquered my early childhood sleepwalking, and no longer awaken to find myself under my bathroom sink, I still have night terrors and periodically wake up screaming. On occasion I’ve been told I also emit a low keening wail that reviewers have called “freaky,”  ”scared the shit out of me” and “you realize you sound like a zombie?”  These tendencies are good, completely understandable reasons why someone wouldn’t want to spend the night with me. But they have nothing to do with why I don’t want to spend the night with them.

They do make for a good excuse about why I hate sleepovers, though. Even with warnings about my zombie wail, screaming, and general awfulness to sleep with, I am eventually talked into spending the night. Sometimes I do this because I feel like I’ve run out of excuses. Sometimes I do it because my gentleman friend’s apartment is located next to my favorite bakery. Either/or. When I do, I lie on a separate level of sheets from the other person and sleep fitfully, waking myself up every few hours, wandering around the apartment, usually resigning myself to sleeping on the sofa which I can excuse by saying I was “twitchy.”

Ultimately, this behavior leads to a conversation about how I’m “just like a guy!” because of the way I “hate to cuddle.” I guess they think it’s quirky, or cute, as though I really loved watching football games or drinking beer or hunting elk. Because hunting elk is the most adorable thing you can do as a girl.

Now here is a secret: I love cuddling.

It’s pretty much my favorite thing.

Do you remember  in When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal turns to Meg Ryan to discuss how women like to cuddle all night and men cuddle thirty seconds? When he says, “How long do you like to be held? All night right? See, that’s the problem. Somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem”.

No, screw you, Billy Crystal, you are wrong. I do not want to be held all night – I want the cuddling to go into the next morning. I just want us to spoon and then when we get hungry I want us to rise to our feet, still spooning, and scuttle like Siamese twins into the kitchen where we’ll get – nothing, there’s no food in my refrigerator – and then scuttle back to the bed. And then nap. Still spooning. And I want it to go on like that forever. And ever. Until we starve. Or order take-out.

Do I like cuddling more than sex? In the post Sex-and-the-City era suggesting that you likeanything more than sex makes you a little unwomanly, doesn’t it? And I do like sex. I like it a lot. But I don’t find it makes me feel vulnerable - I find it, ideally, a fun activity, sort of like a more pleasurable version of tennis. But since I spend a lot of the time flipping through a mental rolodex of Cosmo tips, sex isn’t something that makes me feel exposed. But when I’m sleeping in someone’s arms? I’m completely, totally vulnerable. And I will say that after relationships end what I miss most isn’t the sex. What I miss most is feeling so safe and warm napping with someone on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Cuddling, when it happens, makes me feel like a jerk a lot of the time. Because unless I steel myself and rise every few hours and eventually sleep on the sofa, I cuddle, literally, unconsciously. Periodically I wake up and find myself lying on top of someone, like a cat. Mostly, though, I just grip the man through the night like a spider-monkey. And then I wake up and see some perfectly nice guy staring at me as though I’ve let him in emotionally and, no, I haven’t. And I feel like my body has just told him a massive lie.

But mostly I just don’t want to be my most vulnerable self with someone who I don’t completely trust to see me that way.

I’ve never regretted having sex with anyone. But I’ve regretted sleeping with plenty of people.

So, in the end, when I point men to the taxi stand all I’m really saying is, “I can have sex with you if I like you a whole lot. But if I’m going to spend the night curled up in your arms, clutching you like a marmoset, subjecting you to my sweet, sweet zombie love call – well, we had better be in love.”

By Jennifer Wright

The True Secrets for Happy Marriage

by Mira and Charles on December 13th, 2011

The ultimate, best ever, top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a long, satisfying marriage

If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.

The point is — and it’s a revolutionary point, when you think about it — that you don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force. All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in your golden years.

Okay, in no particular order, here are our top 10 most important do’s and don’ts:

1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.

2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking and then saying, “Yes, but…” and then immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about asking questions when the other person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around everything she feels about this issue.

3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are important. Say how much you’ve valued every little thing your partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.

4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right. Now it doesn’t matter what you do for fun — that’s different for everybody. But know what your fun things are and make sure you do them.

5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be in a relationship with you. Here’s an example. Think about how you must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you’re kind of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that’s not so fun? Be honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn’t just about coming home from work; it’s about other ways you are in your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, that’s just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn’t want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?

6. DON’T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers, downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you want to get the heck away from.

7. DON’T live in the past. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t talk about the past. Look, I know you’ve both done things to hurt each other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.

8. DON’T deny your most important needs. When you identify which unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are. Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each other’s needs, love thrives.

9. DON’T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your relationship is like a fountain of youth. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that’s important too. But just as important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing each other’s feet or shoulders. You should have some warm, meaningful physical contact every day.

10. DON’T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it’s not everything. It certainly can’t give you what you can get for yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your marriage do more for you than it can, you’ll end up polluting it with your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your marriage, the two support each other.

Let go of grudges and feel better

By Steve Sisgold

 

If you've ever been dumped by a lover, demoted by a boss, or hurt or bullied by an old classmate, did you hold onto hateful thoughts or even carry revengeful actions out on them to get even or even feel better? It wouldn't be surprising if you did either of them, since we watch so many movies and feel so good when the good guy gets even with the villain.
However, new research is shining light on who actually gets hurt the most by carrying grudges and having prolonged hateful thoughts. According to Duke University, Univ. of Tennessee, and Stanford University, "Holding onto hurts, grudges, annoyances, pet peeves or old wounds hurts the body, especially when the memories are triggered by current life events." They confirmed a physiological link between negative emotional states like revengeful thinking and actions and how it produces stress on the body. They found that stress from revenge or hateful thoughts also lowers the immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to illness and asserts that, "People who are able to forgive can actually modify their heart rate, lower their blood pressure, decrease physical pain and even relieve their depression." Harvard Women's Health Watch also reported findings on how forgiveness instead of hate or holding on to grudges can benefit your mental and physical health. 

           

Two people who know a lot about the healing power of forgiveness are authors Master Charles Cannon and Will Wilkinson, who wrote a revolutionary new book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, How Survivors of the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Answered Hatred With Love.

Cannon, a Vedic Monk with a nonprofit foundation based in Virginia, told me about how he chose forgiveness over hate in Mumbai when he and 24 of his associates, visiting ashrams throughout India, found themselves under siege in the Oberoi, a five star hotel in Mumbai. "We all could have died," he admitted, " and two in our group did. Another four were injured. But, still, that didn't mean we couldn't forgive the terrorists."

He explained why they chose love instead of hate. "It wasn't about denying what we felt," Master Charles explained. "It was horrible. We were afraid and terrified! Who wouldn't be? And when we learned the fate of our dear friends, we were deeply, deeply saddened. But the question remained, How would we choose to be in relation to what happened? Would we assume the role of victims who wanted our attackers to be punished? Or, could we make another choice? We did. We chose to answer with love, instead of hatred. We refused to let the terrorists control us and make us be just like them and we felt better for that choice"

News reports of other recent disasters have featured similar extraordinary gestures of forgiveness that made the victims feel better. When gunman Charles Roberts killed five young girls in an Amish school shooting in Pennsylvania, Amish community members chose to comfort Roberts' widow and even set up a charitable fund for the shooter's family. Azim Khamisa's son Tariqu was murdered in a gang-related incident but Azim chose to forgive rather than to seek revenge. He has since written four books and now offers public presentations and corporate seminars around the world on the power of forgiveness.

Is there a secret to forgiving the unforgivable? "It's all about who we choose to be in response to violence," Cannon believes. "If we retaliate with anger and vengeance then we've let another person control how we act and feel."

While most of us will never need to match the heroics of the Amish community or Cannon or Khamisa, we can learn how to forgive in our everyday lives. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy and let go of stress, anger and pain you may be holding onto. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of improved physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Reasons for Cheating

Six Reasons & One Cause for Cheating

Isn't it odd how we could love someone like this?

Published on July 31, 2011 by Donna Flagg

Who cheats, and why? When I saw the question, I couldn't resist. It's something my brain does automatically when prompted for an answer. It acts like a distillery needing to consolidate, streamline, and then create understanding in the fewest words possible. It's as if there is a pair of hands in my head squeezing out excess words the way wringing a wet towel rids it of extra water.
What can I say, it's how I'm wired. Sometimes, it's even how I put myself to sleep at night. I'll take a conundrum, whittle it down and try to explain the mysteries of the world and people's behavior in one word.

Infidelity: Who Cheats, and Why?

Extramarital attractions are a fact of life. How you handle your impulses is another matter entirely.

       Who does cheat anyway and why? It's really not all that complicated, not if we don't make it so. They are simply people who:

1. Long for the attention that goes with being wanted and desired and rely on it to feel better about themselves.
2. Don't care about their effect on the person to whom they've promised fidelity, or at least not enough to control their impulses, desires and/or libido. 
3. Put themselves and their own needs first.
4. Are bored and look for excitement in passion and/or romance.
5. Have little or no sex in their relationships and justify needing to go elsewhere to get it.
6. Are inherently insecure and use sex with another person to feed their egos and/or prove something that they are desperate to believe about themselves.

In the end, as clichéd as it may be, they are people looking for love in all the wrong places - meaning outside themselves.They are afraid to be truthful with their partners about who they really are and how they really feel, and as a result, tend to leave nothing but muck and yuck in their wakes.

Asking for the Love You Want

You wouldn't expect to eat one good meal and not have to eat again for the rest of your life, but sometimes the need for love is thought about in this way.  Perhaps you have heard yourself or your partner say, "You, should know I love after all this time.  Why do I have to tell you?"

In the framework of Compassionate Communication, love is a need.  Like all other needs it wants to be met in specific and consistent ways to create a balanced and thriving life.

You can meet your need for love with many people in your life in a variety of ways.  With your partner, however, you likely hope to meet this need in a deeper and more consistent way.  Meeting this need with your partner, and they with you, helps to create the bond that provides a secure foundation for your relationship.

To do this it helps to get more subtle and clear about what most meets your need for love.  It also helps to remember that what meets your need for love isn't necessarily what meets your partner's need for love.  Gary Chapman in his book The 5Love Languages simply and clearly articulates how to tune in to ways your partner's need for love is met.  I highly recommend reading or listening to his book.

You can also start simply with your partner right now.  You might start the conversation by asking if you can try to state all the ways she or he feels most loved by you.  Ask your partner to fill in anything you missed and then switch.

In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, takes this one step farther by having each partner make a list of the specific ways he or she is loved; and then letting their partner choose from the heart two or three things she or he would like to offer in the coming week.

When you and your partner have been together for a long time, it is easy to fall asleep to the subtleties of how each of you are most loved.  You might find yourself drifting toward complacency or just assuming that your partner's need for love is met in the same ways as yours.

This week take time to have the conversation listed above with your partner.  Celebrate the different ways your need for love is met and challenge yourself to meet each other's need in a way you haven't been lately.

LaShelle Charde