Should I have broken up with my ex?

Breakups are the pits. I’ve been through it and it’s never fun.

The worst part is the nagging doubt that creeps in…often running circles in your mind…questioning your decision to move on.

Should you have ended it?

Rather than telling yourself not to think about it (good luck with that), ask yourself these questions to productively process if giving the relationship a second go is worth it.

1.  Are you in love with him or the idea of him?

Sometimes there’s a desire for an actual person, and other times there’s a desire to have a person fill the loneliness. And that’s okay. I don’t believe we’re really wired to be alone. Pay attention to your feelings and see if they are coming from a place of clarity. Sometimes getting caught up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text or having someone to take to an upcoming party causes you to lose perspective.

If you don't think it's just loneliness, really consider the qualities your person has. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportion in our minds; Are the things you love about this man reality, or just longing for who you desire him to be? What specifically do you miss?

2. What were the reasons that led you to break up in the first place?

You might miss him now, but there was a reason to end the relationship in the first place. Was it over something substantial like infidelity or religious beliefs? Has anything happened to make you think those issues have been resolved?
Did you have lousy communication?

Remind yourself of how those difficulties made you feel. That leads into the next question -

3. What would a relationship with him look like now?

If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he's on one coast and you're on the other, is that something you're willing to make work? And if a larger mitigating factor, such as distance, isn't an issue, then assess if you're really ready for a fresh relationship. Sure, you know the guy already. Getting back together can be a fresh start, but it also doesn't magically fix lingering issues you had from your previous attempt.

4. Do you see a future together?

It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leading up to the breakup (or even post-breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one: whether or not there's a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. If you're going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.

Answer these questions honestly. Also, your ex is not the last man left on earth. You may be feeling sadness, regret or guilt now,  but try and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

And if there is a chance to rekindle…by all means go for it! I believe in second chances (as long as no hard boundaries were crossed).

Loneliness

Loneliness.

You may have felt it at some point; it’s normal. It’s only a problem when you get the feeling of being trapped in loneliness; suffocated by it. No one can fill that void for you. It becomes a matter of you embracing the solitude and accepting yourself – give yourself time to navigate and learn from the experience and begin to love yourself.

A few tips:

1. Loneliness is a feeling

Your feeling may have become an emotional habit, but chances are this feeling has been triggered by an event that is happening currently or previously. Recognize it, accept it and awaken your power to change how you feel.

2. Be kind.

Be kind to yourself by expressing your wants and desires and choose a way to be kind to others. This action will create a sense of self-worth as you make a positive difference.

3. Identify your faulty thought patterns.

Pay attention to harmful thoughts and replace any negative self-talk with realistic thoughts or affirming messages. Mindfulness, meditation and exercise can also help you center yourself and tune in with your thoughts and feelings.

8. Accept yourself.

You may not love yourself or be ready to love yourself – so accept yourself. You are the only one who is capable of filling the void. Only you are capable of developing yourself. Accept and love yourself first so you do not become dependent on others to fill the void.

L

10 Common Things That Trigger Chronic Stress

You know that when you’re getting chased by a tiger, you’re almost in a car accident, your “to do” list is overflowing, and you’re burning the candle at both ends, your body’s “fight-or-flight”  stress responses are going to get triggered. But you might not know what else will trigger stress responses in your body, and it’s important that you do!

As I explain in Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself, the body has natural self-repair mechanisms that can fight cancer, prevent infection, repair broken proteins, protect your coronary arteries, and retard aging. But whenever the nervous system is in “fight-or-flight,” the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are disabled!

The amygdala in your primordial limbic brain is your danger alert signal, and it hasn’t evolved to keep up with modern society, so your amygdala can’t tell the different between dangers that threaten life and limb and perceived dangers that are merely thoughts, feelings, or beliefs in your mind. As a result, your amygdala may be sabotaging your health, and you may not even know it!

So how can you avoid chronic repetitive stress responses? Here are 10 surprising “fight-or-fight”  triggers to avoid:

1. Feelings of loneliness

As a species, we are tribal people, so from a survival perspective, being alone too much can signal the amygdala to trigger stress responses. Makes sense, right? If we’re dependent on the tribe to keep us safe, forebrain feelings of loneliness can activate the amygdala’s danger signal. Scientific evidence suggests that people who are part of a supportive community have half the rate of heart disease when compared to lonely people, and this may explain why.

2. Hunger

If you feel hungry, the message you’re sending your danger-seeking amygdala is “Houston, we have a problem! There’s not enough food!” Of course, your fridge is full of food and maybe you’re 50 pounds overweight, hungry because you’re trying to diet. But your amygdala is not smart. It can’t tell the difference. So boom: you’re in stress response, and your self-repair mechanisms are flipped off.

3. Selling your soul for a paycheck

You know that your job can be stressful. But it’s not so much being busy or working hard that will trigger your “fight-or-flight.”  Sure, even a job you love can stress you out. But you’re much more likely to wind up in chronic repetitive stress response when your integrity is on the line.

4. A pessimistic world view

If you’re a glass-half-empty kind of person, your forebrain is communicating all kinds of scary messages to your amygdala on a regular basis, thoughts like There’s not enough money, or Nothing ever goes my way, or Nobody really loves me, or other Eeyore sorts of thoughts that stimulate stress responses in the body. In fact, optimists have a 77% lower risk of heart disease than pessimists, and this is probably why. 

5. Toxic relationships

While loving relationships and a supportive community are calming to the amygdala and healthy for the body, you’re better off being alone than being in the company of people who stress out your nervous system. When you feel threatened in a relationship- not just physically, but emotionally- your nervous system interprets that as danger.

6. Being a worry wart

Anxious thoughts make the amygdala go ballistic. If you’re filling your brain with worries about the kids, the state of affairs in politics, whether or not your lover is going to break your heart, or how quickly the glaciers are going to melt, you’re certain to trigger stress responses.

7. Childhood traumas

You know those old childhood issues that stick around if we don’t heal them? You may not even realize that subconscious thoughts arising from old traumas may be triggering your amygdala when you don’t even realize it. Triggers such as places, scents, songs, or other sounds that remind you of the trauma may trigger “fight-or-flight,” even if you’re completely unaware that it’s happening.

8. Unforgiven resentments

When you harbor resentments—against your ex, your mother, your boss, whomever—you fuel your amygdala. Resentful thoughts are interpreted by the amygdala just like thoughts of food scarcity or a tiger on the loose.

9. Anger

It’s not just rage that will flip you into “fight-or-flight.”  Even thoughts like Someone just spilled red wine on my white carpet can trigger your limbic system.

10. Feelings of helplessness

The amygdala likes to feel in control—after all, it’s the amygdala’s job to protect you from danger! So feelings of helplessness can land you in “fight-or-flight.”

If reading this list sends you into “fight-or-flight”  just because you’re feeling all 10 of these things right now, don’t despair. This is where you get to be proactive! Awareness is key. Once you start to cultivate awareness of what triggers your own stress responses, you can be mindful about how you tend the garden of your mind so you can keep your amygdala calm and keep your self-repair mechanisms doing what they do best- keeping you healthy!  

Lissa Rankin