Should I have broken up with my ex?

Breakups are the pits. I’ve been through it and it’s never fun.

The worst part is the nagging doubt that creeps in…often running circles in your mind…questioning your decision to move on.

Should you have ended it?

Rather than telling yourself not to think about it (good luck with that), ask yourself these questions to productively process if giving the relationship a second go is worth it.

1.  Are you in love with him or the idea of him?

Sometimes there’s a desire for an actual person, and other times there’s a desire to have a person fill the loneliness. And that’s okay. I don’t believe we’re really wired to be alone. Pay attention to your feelings and see if they are coming from a place of clarity. Sometimes getting caught up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text or having someone to take to an upcoming party causes you to lose perspective.

If you don't think it's just loneliness, really consider the qualities your person has. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportion in our minds; Are the things you love about this man reality, or just longing for who you desire him to be? What specifically do you miss?

2. What were the reasons that led you to break up in the first place?

You might miss him now, but there was a reason to end the relationship in the first place. Was it over something substantial like infidelity or religious beliefs? Has anything happened to make you think those issues have been resolved?
Did you have lousy communication?

Remind yourself of how those difficulties made you feel. That leads into the next question -

3. What would a relationship with him look like now?

If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he's on one coast and you're on the other, is that something you're willing to make work? And if a larger mitigating factor, such as distance, isn't an issue, then assess if you're really ready for a fresh relationship. Sure, you know the guy already. Getting back together can be a fresh start, but it also doesn't magically fix lingering issues you had from your previous attempt.

4. Do you see a future together?

It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leading up to the breakup (or even post-breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one: whether or not there's a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. If you're going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.

Answer these questions honestly. Also, your ex is not the last man left on earth. You may be feeling sadness, regret or guilt now,  but try and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

And if there is a chance to rekindle…by all means go for it! I believe in second chances (as long as no hard boundaries were crossed).

Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice

Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:

1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.

We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.

We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself when you are together?

Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.

2. There is no perfect person.

Wait! What?

Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.

Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.

3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.

Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.

Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.

Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.

We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

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You are dying

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

You are going to die.

We all are; though most of us spend our lives pretending that we will live forever.

Stop kicking happiness down the road.

Stop putting off that dream vacation.

Stop letting fear hold you back.

Just stop.

Regret is a much bigger monster to face than fear.

Tell someone you love him. Isn’t it a beautiful thing to be loved?

Eat the last bite of cake. Walk an extra 20 minutes to burn the calories if you must.

Train for an event you never think you’ll finish.

I have friends waiting to live.

I have clients with end-of-life timelines who realize that life is too short.

Embrace your now with intensity and purpose.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. ~Larry McMurtry, Some Can Whistle

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The girl who doesn't need anyone

What to Expect When You Fall for the Girl Who's Used to Never Needing Anyone

By Anna Bashedly

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.


This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.


She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave.


I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

3 Ways to avoid dating people who make you feel.................

By Lauren Capp

It’s been said that single people give the best dating advice, but can’t take their own. Despite being the queen of that sentiment, this longtime single lady has learned many things along the way. The most important thing I've learned in my many (many!) years of dating? To live a healthy life, you need to love yourself. And in order to love yourself, you must stop dating people who treat you like crap.

We’ve all had those boyfriends, quick relationships, or last minute Tinder dates that left us feeling hollow inside. These are the individuals who turn confident women into insecure beings and appoint us the title of "crazy." When the need to feel loved gets in the way of a clear head, the ability for someone to take advantage of you becomes effortless.

Don’t let love/lust take away from your own self-love. No matter how attractive or smooth-talking your date is, it's paramount that you continue to embody the confident, kickass woman you know you truly are.

Here are three rules to maintain your self-respect when the person you’re dating isn’t showing you any.

1. If you're second guessing whether this person likes you, it's time to end it.

The minute you start making excuses for why he hasn't texted. The minute you question whether he likes you. The minute that gross pit of doubt forms in your stomach. That's the minute it's time to move on.

You are strong and smart and beautiful and funny and amazing. You shouldnever have to wonder whether someone likes you, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Those first months (nay, those years) should be totally devoid of doubt when it comes to how you both are feeling.

Questioning whether your partner is into you is a slippery slope. Don't let anyone else determine your self-worth. The longer you hold onto someone you know isn’t into you, the more insecure you'll become.

2. Don't be the giver all the time.

Whether it's traveling to his place or always picking the restaurant, being the partner who makes (or has to make) all of the decisions eventually adds up and can leave you feeling like the relationship is one-sided. When you start to notice a pattern like this, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate.

To avoid playing games, communication is key. Talk to your partner and discuss that you'd like the effort to be reciprocated. See if they're willing to do the work. The person who is right for you will travel to the moon and back to see you for just a few minutes, no matter how busy their schedule.

3. Maintain your identity and friendships.

A confident partner will love that you have a life, friends and interests outside of the two of you. Listen, I get that it's difficult to make time for all of the things in your life you want to give attention to. And whether you've just started dating someone or are in a long-term relationship, independence from each other can sometimes be hard.

You're either head-over-heels in the honeymoon phase and can't stand to be apart, or you've been together for so long that it might feel strange to make plans separately. But maintaining a sense of yourself that isn't connected to your partner is crucial, not only for your own sake, but also for that of the relationship.

If your partner doesn't understand how you could make plans without him or her, can't fathom why you'd want to do something on your own, that's a red flag. If the person is right for you, he or she won’t keep you away from the life you had before, or from new things you take an interest in.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to share the same exact interests and friends. Discuss your passions and continue to keep them a priority. There's nothing more attractive than a hardworking person who has passion for life and friendships.

Because I am a single woman who has gone through the gamut of awful dates and experiences, I know what not to do now. Nothing good ever comes from continuing contact with someone who doesn’t respect you; it will never end well.

Dig deep and remind yourself that you deserve better. The right person will realize your worth and show you qualities about yourself that you haven’t already seen.

Dos & Don'ts of Reaching out to an Ex

By Julita Cardenas

After breakups, sometimes an amicable silence is what you both want. You’ve said all you need to say and acknowledged that it's over, and now you just want to move on.

But that's not always the case. What if you have more to say? What if you want to apologize? What if you want your ex back? There is no right or wrong way to go about this, but thinking about how the other person will perceive your communication can help you make a better decision.

Here are six do's and don'ts of contacting your ex:

1. Do be up front.

Be clear about what you want when you contact them. When most people get a message or voicemail from their ex, they always wonder, “What do they want?” They'll be curious to know if you want to rekindle the flame or just to clear your conscience. Be direct in your communication.

If you want to get back together you can call or email and say, “I’ve been thinking about you recently and wanted to see how you’re doing. I would love see you and meet for coffee.” If the goal is to revive interest, aim to spark curiosity. When you see each other, convey the feelings you had when you were together. If your goal is to clear a guilty conscience, say what you need to say, via email or on the phone, but don’t string them along. Hopefully they'll take the hint either way.

2. Don't worry about whether or not they'll respond.

Even if you're worried that your ex won’t want to see you, or they'll have a hostile reaction to contact, don’t let that stop you. You might be surprised to know that on some level that person might need to hear from you. If things were left unresolved or unfinished, they will also need a sense of closure.

Many people aren't comfortable reaching out to an ex for closure or to broach the possibility of getting back together. Their feelings might be hurt by behavior from the end of the relationship, when communication was hostile or avoidant. If important things were left unsaid, make the move. Initiate communication. It’s better to try to resolve something than to live with unanswered questions about the past. Saying what you need to say is the best way to move on.

3. Do be respectful of their current relationship status.

Consider the options. You might not necessarily know whether they're with someone else, so you need to consider whose buttons you might be pushing when you make contact. Think about how you would feel if your partner's ex contacted them. You probably wouldn’t even want them to respond. You might imagine telling the other person off on your partner's behalf.

So, it’s important to identify your objectives before reaching out. Do you want to be friends? Do you want to apologize? Do you want to win them back? If you ask to get together, you can say, “If you are single, I’d love to meet for drinks. But that if you're with someone else, I respect that.” Saying something like this will also give you an indication whether they're still interested in you. Decide based on what’s best for the other person. If they're happy with someone else, don’t be aggressive in your approach — even if you want them back.

4. Don't continue to contact them if they don't respond.

If your ex hasn't replied to your messages, voice-mails, emails, pokes, Snapchats, or any other form of communication, it’s time to chill out. They might not want any form of communication with you, especially if the relationship ended on a sour note.

Don’t wait for intervals of three to seven days and then try again for a balance of playing hard to get and not being clingy. Just stop. You can live with the knowledge that you gave it a shot, and then move on with your life. You tried. Don’t beat yourself up.

5. Do keep it light.

Avoid sharing too much emotion in a text or voice-mail. Sometimes people respond to this kind of honesty, but it's best to keep things casual until you meet in person. Remember, upon seeing your ex, you might feel differently about what you want. You might think you want to get back together, but once you see them, you realize the chemistry just isn’t there. Or, you might think you just want to get some things off your chest, but once you get there, you feel a strong attraction and want to rekindle things.

This can definitely be confusing. Unless you know exactly what you want when you contact them and have made what you consider to be an irrevocable decision regarding that, keep your communication light and be direct. Avoid pouring your heart out unless you think that is the best way to get your point across. When in doubt, assess the situation in person.

6. Don't wait too long.

It's important to be truly ready before you contact an ex, but it's also best to avoid postponing it for too long. They won't be waiting around for you. They'll be moving on with their lives. This doesn’t mean they'll forget you or resent you, but if someone else shows up and sweeps them off their feet, they're not going to let the memory of you stop them from taking that leap.

Time changes things. Six months go by and they have a different hair color and a Tinder profile. One year goes by and they have a new job and might be engaged. Seize the moment — if that's what you really want. Your desire to rekindle the relationship, start a friendship, or apologize is irrelevant if you never do anything about it.

Weigh the options. Decide which consequences you can live with and which you can't. Then just do it!

People-Pleasing...what to do instead

By  Shelly Bullard

When I started dating the man I’m currently with, we had an interaction that I’m pretty sure transformed my relationships with men forever.

He and I had been getting close over the course of a few weeks, and it seemed like an appropriate time for us to take our physical intimacy to the next level. I could feel his strong desire for me, and while I also felt desire for him, there was a little problem.

I didn’t want to have sex with him.

Not yet, at least.

It wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted to him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to get close. It wasn’t because there was something wrong with our connection. It was just how I felt.

So I found myself at a relationship crossroads I think many of us experience: I could choose to ignore how I was feeling and fall into the role of people pleaser (as I’d done so many times before), or I could risk hurting him and stand by my truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place.

My decision led to one of the most profound interactions I’d ever had with a man. Here’s what happened:

While cuddling at his place, I could feel my fear and discomfort rising, knowing I was going to have to tell him soon. So, I gathered my courage and started to share.

“I have something to tell you, but I’m really scared to say it.”

I scanned him to see his initial reaction. He seemed emotionally open and compassionate, so I kept going.

“I’m not ready to have sex with you. And there’s a lot of fear coming up for me as I tell you this. I’m scared I’ll hurt your feelings. I’m scared I might disappoint you. And I’m scared that if I do hurt or disappoint you, that you might stop caring for me or back away from me. But I don’t want to lie to you or to myself. This is my truth right now, and I have to stand by it.”

It was terrifying to say those words to him, but it also felt like such a weight had lifted. I was proud to stand by myself like that — to honor my truth! And I was completely shocked by how he responded.

“Shelly,” he said, looking me directly in the eye, unwavering, “the only thing I want from you is your truth. I don’t want your ‘yes.’ I don’t want your ‘no.’ I want what’s real for you.”

I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open at that point. I was beautifully stunned.

He continued, “When you’re in your truth, I get to be connected with you. But if you fall away from your truth — if you do something that you don’t want to do, just to make me happy — then our connection gets lost. Your truth is how I’m able to connect with you, and that’s what I want.”

Whoa.

I was blown away.

I stared at him, speechless, taking in the immensity of what he had just said. This was a huge gift — and a paradigm shift, no doubt. I realized how significant this interaction was — not only for me but for couples everywhere. His words were so simple yet so profound. I think there are lessons for everyone in that.

Truth is how we stay connected.

Truth is how we grow our intimacy.

Truth is the only way for us to feel known by the people we care about.

Truth is where deep love is formed.

When we focus on pleasing others — which I’ve done my whole life and you might have, too — we lose contact with ourselves. We ignore our truths. We ignore our inner knowing. And therefore, we automatically lose contact with the other person.

You can’t feel connected to someone else if you aren’t connected to yourself. That’s what makes the urge to please others so crazy! It’s a tactic we use to create connection, but it has the opposite effect.

Our sneaky egos tell us, “If you do what he likes, then he’ll like you.” Sure, there’s logic there.

So we follow that impulse, we disconnect from ourselves, we try to be liked, and eventually, we feel disconnected from everything: from our partners, ourselves, the relationship, and even love itself.

That’s not all. When we try to be pleasers, we don’t give our partners the opportunity to know who we really are. We hide ourselves away and wonder why we don’t feel known or loved. The reason is simple: We aren’t showing up in our truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place. It’s a lesson that I’m practicing today, and it’s a lesson I want to offer you, too.

The next time you find yourself at a similar crossroads — where you can take the path of least resistance, or be brave and honor your truth — I encourage you to choose truth.

You might be surprised at the depth of intimacy that’s on the other side of being real.

Please leave a comment below telling us about how people-pleasing has sabotaged your connection with others and how you’re going to honor your truth even more, starting today.

Loneliness

Loneliness.

You may have felt it at some point; it’s normal. It’s only a problem when you get the feeling of being trapped in loneliness; suffocated by it. No one can fill that void for you. It becomes a matter of you embracing the solitude and accepting yourself – give yourself time to navigate and learn from the experience and begin to love yourself.

A few tips:

1. Loneliness is a feeling

Your feeling may have become an emotional habit, but chances are this feeling has been triggered by an event that is happening currently or previously. Recognize it, accept it and awaken your power to change how you feel.

2. Be kind.

Be kind to yourself by expressing your wants and desires and choose a way to be kind to others. This action will create a sense of self-worth as you make a positive difference.

3. Identify your faulty thought patterns.

Pay attention to harmful thoughts and replace any negative self-talk with realistic thoughts or affirming messages. Mindfulness, meditation and exercise can also help you center yourself and tune in with your thoughts and feelings.

8. Accept yourself.

You may not love yourself or be ready to love yourself – so accept yourself. You are the only one who is capable of filling the void. Only you are capable of developing yourself. Accept and love yourself first so you do not become dependent on others to fill the void.

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