Emotional Manipulation: What happened to my fairy tale?

You met, had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married. In your haste to begin your Once-Upon-A-Time marriage you missed the fact that you had just married a narcissist and would soon begin a journey into an unbalanced relationship filled with emotional manipulation.

During your courtship, your consummately self-centered boyfriend became infatuated with you - the object of his desire – and the more desirable you appeared, the more intense his campaign to win your affections. This infatuated narcissist was amazing…his romantic overtures happened too quickly and contained such an emotional conviction that you couldn’t help but be swept off your feet…and why not? You were complemented, given gifts, received thoughtful gestures, and were constantly reminded of the similarities between the two of you.

With the ring on your finger you began to realize, through nagging feelings, that, although, you were technically married, you were not actually a couple. Couples are equal partners who share responsibilities, support one another and take turns being the one who requires tender loving care. Unfortunately, in your relationship, your partner is self-absorbed and the scale is always tipped in his direction; He assumes he is the focal point of the marriage. He hates it when you are unavailable to him. And when you are – watch out…I bet he likes to have his power over you. To ensure he can maintain this power he will use emotional, verbal, economic and/or even sexual abuse.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly, experience emotional pain, bear chronic physical pain, and still not understand why. You may believe your spouse when he tells you that you are the problem…that if you just changed and did the things he wanted, well, life would be great…. For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his shiny marital toolbox because it works for him. You are not in a partnership because your narcissist doesn’t know what that means… he is self-centered, lacks empathy and feels entitled to have what he wants when he wants it.

He may throw tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants…he yells, patronizes, says hurtful things…. or he gives you the silent treatment. Your self-esteem begins to plunge and the anxiety begins to swirl.

Wait a minute, you think…my spouse was never diagnosed with any mental health problems…certainly not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please realize that narcissistic tendencies or symptoms can occur in varying degrees. Don’t put on a fake grin and bear it because in the beginning things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had met your Prince Charming…you were so enamored with his phone calls, flowers, dinners, and quality time together. Don’t think that if only you could ‘get it right’ or do everything he asks that you could get those days back. He might act like he did every now and again to keep you hooked and keep you believing that you're about to rediscover the fairy tale…but he is only seducing you….again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he cannot change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Rather than feeling closer to him have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him? There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual that you haven’t realized what was happening. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and defeat another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. It’s like brain washing because it wears away at your self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in your own perceptions and self-concept. Whether through berating, belittling, or under the guise of ‘guidance, teaching or advice,’ the results are the same. This emotional manipulation cuts to the very core creating scars that are far deeper and lasting than physical ones.

If you recognize yourself as being in an abusive relationship know that you have the right to seek help, to have your feelings acknowledged as real, to be heard, and, most importantly, the right to live free from emotional or physical threats.

The Connections Between Emotional Stress, Trauma and Physical Pain

Chronic pain can be caused by trauma and stress.
Published on April 8, 2010 by Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T. in Somatic Psychology

Studies have shown that chronic pain might not only be caused by physical injury but also by stress and emotional issues. In particular, people who have experienced trauma and suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are often at a higher risk to develop chronic pain.

Chronic pain is defined as prolonged physical pain that lasts for longer than the natural healing process should allow. This pain might stem from injuries, inflammation, or neuralgias and neuropathies (disorders of the nerves), but some people suffer in the absence of any of these conditions. Chronic pain can debilitate one's ability to move with ease, may hinder their normal functioning, and the search for relief can lead to pain medication addictions, which compound the problem. Chronic pain is also often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, depression and anxiety.

Many people are already familiar with the fact that emotional stress can lead to stomachaches, irritable bowel syndrome, and headaches, but might not know that it can also cause other physical complaints and even chronic pain. One logical reason for this: studies have found that the more anxious and stressed people are, the more tense and constricted their muscles are, over time causing the muscles to become fatigued and inefficient.

More subtly, one might develop psychosomatic symptoms or stress-related symptoms because of unresolved emotional issues. These are not new discoveries; researchers have studied the mind/body interrelationship for several decades because of the importance of this link.

Experts have noticed that experiencing a traumatic event can have an impact on the development of pain. In fact, approximately 15-30% of patients with chronic pain also have PTSD. Peter Levine, an expert on trauma, explains that trauma happens "when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelming." Most researchers disagree on a precise definition of trauma, but do agree that a typical trauma response might include physiological and psychological symptoms such as numbing, hyperarousal, hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, helplessness, and avoidance behavior.

During a traumatic event, the nervous system goes into survival mode (the sympathetic nervous system) and sometimes has difficulty reverting back into its normal, relaxed mode again (the parasympathetic nervous system). If the nervous system stays in survival mode, stress hormones such as cortisol are constantly released, causing an increase in blood pressure and blood sugar, which can in turn reduce the immune system's ability to heal. Physical symptoms start to manifest when the body is in constant distress.

If someone has experienced a trauma prior to their current injury or trauma, old memories can potentially be triggered, exacerbating the effects of the newer trauma. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a well-known trauma researcher, explains; "Research has shown that, under ordinary conditions, many traumatized people, including rape victims, battered women and abused children, have a fairly good psychosocial adjustment. However, they do not respond to stress the way other people do. Under pressure, they may feel (or act) as if they were traumatized all over again."

Often, physical pain functions to warn a person that there is still emotional work to be done, and it can also be a sign of unresolved trauma in the nervous system. Even if one has grieved and processed the emotional impact of a trauma, the nervous system might still unwittingly be in survival mode.

Maggie Phillips, author of Reversing Chronic Pain, writes: "Whether or not trauma was connected to the event or condition that originated their pain, having a chronic pain condition is traumatizing in and of itself."

Since trauma has been found to have a strong correlation to chronic pain, a combination of psychotherapy and physical therapy would be the most logical pain management option for stress and chronic pain relief. Psychotherapy that uses imagery, addresses the nervous system, and facilitates cognitive behavioral therapy is recommended.

To tackle the physical aspect of chronic pain, Mindy Marantz, director of the Healthwell clinic in San Francisco, suggests focusing on alignment in the body, as well as posture that supports organized alignment. Additionally, she advises to address potential inflammation, and provides strategies to help calm the nervous system such as Craniosacral therapy or Feldenkrais Movement Re-education. "These both will help 'stoke' the lymphatic system, which in turn helps diminish the effects of fluids that pool as a result of injury. Lymphatic massage as well as compression wraps and education help bring this often overlooked pathway to recovery to patients' attention."

Beginning a daily program of walking can help to mobilize the muscles and is the best way to stimulate the lymph system to do its job and oxygenate injured muscles. The International Association for the Study of Pain concluded that acupuncture is also effective in long-term chronic pain reductions related to musculoskeletal pain.

Although one might not be aware of the lingering effect of the trauma, or believe that the traumatic event has been put behind them, the body could be clinging to unresolved issues. Relevant psychotherapy can help to resolve the physical problems.