Five Dimensions of Touch

The Five Dimensions of Touch: The Key to Bypassing Sexual Power Struggles By Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.

“Are we going to have sex or not?”

“How come every time we are affectionate you want to push sex?”

Far too many married couples fall into the power struggle trap regarding touching and intercourse. The positive role of sexual intimacy is to energize your marital bond and enhance feelings of desire and desirability. The key to a satisfying, stable marriage is a respectful, trusting commitment with sexuality playing a 15-20% role in enhancing couple vitality and satisfaction.

An empowering concept is to value the five dimensions of touch—affection, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse. Unfortunately, for many couples there are only two dimensions—affection and intercourse, which sets up an unnecessary and self-defeating power struggle.

The following exercise gives you a way of talking about touch as well as understanding the feelings and preferences of your spouse. Each person fills this out for him or herself—be forthcoming and genuine; don’t be “politically correct” or try to second-guess your spouse. Then combine answers and discuss areas of agreement as well as differences.

Touch Type	Your current percent of touch: He    She	The percent of touch you want: He    She
Affectionate Touch: Clothes on, warm, friendly, kissing, hand-holding, hugging
Sensual Touch: Cuddling, embracing, gentle touch, soothing, non-genital touch
Playful Touch: Inviting, flirting, seductive, dancing, mixing non-genital and genital touch, showering or bathing together, playing sexual games
Erotic Touch: Manual, oral, rubbing stimulation, taking emotional and sexual risks, feeling turned–on, open to erotic flow to orgasm
Intercourse Touch: Allowing pleasuring, arousal, erotic flow to transition to intercourse, enjoy intercourse connection and bonding, and be free to use multiple stimulation during intercourse

In implementing learning from this exercise, the focus is on what dimensions of touch you want in the present and future. There is little value in arguing about the past or staying stuck in the power struggle. Intimacy, touching, and sexuality is a “team sport.” You want to experience your spouse as both your intimate and erotic friend.

However, being partners and on the same team does not mean you have to be clones of each other. Your sexual relationship will be stronger and more resilient when each of you is free to have your own “sexual voice.” For example, one spouse prefers hugging, and the other hand–holding. In the realm of intercourse touch, one spouse prefers woman–on–top position with in–out thrusting, while the partner prefers man–on–top with circular thrusting. Celebrate your differences, and use them to “spice up” your married sexuality.

The core issue is how you feel about sensual, playful, and erotic non–intercourse touch. Can you integrate these into your couple sexual style? Are these touching dimensions viewed as “foreplay” always leading to intercourse or are they valued for themselves? The traditional power struggle is men believe “sex=intercourse” and once aroused he feels cheated if touching doesn’t result in intercourse and orgasm. He says, “Don’t be a tease and start something you’re not planning to finish.” Traditionally, women value intimacy and affection. “Why does sensual or playful touch always have to lead to intercourse?” This power struggle results in less touching and less intercourse, as well as more hurt feelings and alienation.

We encourage each of you to value the different dimensions of touch, stay on the same intimate team, and each affirm the role of both intimacy and eroticism. Typically, the challenge for men is to learn to value sensual and playful touch for itself rather than as part of the build-up to intercourse. Typically, the challenge for women is to value her own “sexual voice,” specifically erotic, non-intercourse touch.

If the couple falls into the traditional pattern of “intercourse or nothing,” nothing will eventually win whether next year or thirty years from now. To prevent sexual problems you can learn to value a variable, flexible couple sexual style. Touch both inside and outside the bedroom and be aware that sensual, playful, and erotic touch has value. This need not and should not always lead to intercourse. The essence of marital sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure–oriented touch which includes all of the five dimensions of touch.

If you can learn this early in your marriage, it will inoculate you against sexual problems in your sixties, seventies, and eighties. Be good to yourself and your marriage–enjoy at least three dimensions of touch, and ideally all five dimensions. 

Questions for Reflection Which of the “touches” which Dr. McCarthy describes is most important to you? Which do you feel least comfortable with? Does sexual touching usually lead to intercourse in your relationship? How do you feel about this?  Has the practice of Natural Family Planning enhanced your ability to enjoy sexual touching? Read Song of Songs 7:7-14, in which God's love for his people is compared to the love a married couple have for each other. Does this lead you to a new understanding of God's desire for your marriage to be sexually intimate?

People-Pleasing...what to do instead

By  Shelly Bullard

When I started dating the man I’m currently with, we had an interaction that I’m pretty sure transformed my relationships with men forever.

He and I had been getting close over the course of a few weeks, and it seemed like an appropriate time for us to take our physical intimacy to the next level. I could feel his strong desire for me, and while I also felt desire for him, there was a little problem.

I didn’t want to have sex with him.

Not yet, at least.

It wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted to him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to get close. It wasn’t because there was something wrong with our connection. It was just how I felt.

So I found myself at a relationship crossroads I think many of us experience: I could choose to ignore how I was feeling and fall into the role of people pleaser (as I’d done so many times before), or I could risk hurting him and stand by my truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place.

My decision led to one of the most profound interactions I’d ever had with a man. Here’s what happened:

While cuddling at his place, I could feel my fear and discomfort rising, knowing I was going to have to tell him soon. So, I gathered my courage and started to share.

“I have something to tell you, but I’m really scared to say it.”

I scanned him to see his initial reaction. He seemed emotionally open and compassionate, so I kept going.

“I’m not ready to have sex with you. And there’s a lot of fear coming up for me as I tell you this. I’m scared I’ll hurt your feelings. I’m scared I might disappoint you. And I’m scared that if I do hurt or disappoint you, that you might stop caring for me or back away from me. But I don’t want to lie to you or to myself. This is my truth right now, and I have to stand by it.”

It was terrifying to say those words to him, but it also felt like such a weight had lifted. I was proud to stand by myself like that — to honor my truth! And I was completely shocked by how he responded.

“Shelly,” he said, looking me directly in the eye, unwavering, “the only thing I want from you is your truth. I don’t want your ‘yes.’ I don’t want your ‘no.’ I want what’s real for you.”

I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open at that point. I was beautifully stunned.

He continued, “When you’re in your truth, I get to be connected with you. But if you fall away from your truth — if you do something that you don’t want to do, just to make me happy — then our connection gets lost. Your truth is how I’m able to connect with you, and that’s what I want.”

Whoa.

I was blown away.

I stared at him, speechless, taking in the immensity of what he had just said. This was a huge gift — and a paradigm shift, no doubt. I realized how significant this interaction was — not only for me but for couples everywhere. His words were so simple yet so profound. I think there are lessons for everyone in that.

Truth is how we stay connected.

Truth is how we grow our intimacy.

Truth is the only way for us to feel known by the people we care about.

Truth is where deep love is formed.

When we focus on pleasing others — which I’ve done my whole life and you might have, too — we lose contact with ourselves. We ignore our truths. We ignore our inner knowing. And therefore, we automatically lose contact with the other person.

You can’t feel connected to someone else if you aren’t connected to yourself. That’s what makes the urge to please others so crazy! It’s a tactic we use to create connection, but it has the opposite effect.

Our sneaky egos tell us, “If you do what he likes, then he’ll like you.” Sure, there’s logic there.

So we follow that impulse, we disconnect from ourselves, we try to be liked, and eventually, we feel disconnected from everything: from our partners, ourselves, the relationship, and even love itself.

That’s not all. When we try to be pleasers, we don’t give our partners the opportunity to know who we really are. We hide ourselves away and wonder why we don’t feel known or loved. The reason is simple: We aren’t showing up in our truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place. It’s a lesson that I’m practicing today, and it’s a lesson I want to offer you, too.

The next time you find yourself at a similar crossroads — where you can take the path of least resistance, or be brave and honor your truth — I encourage you to choose truth.

You might be surprised at the depth of intimacy that’s on the other side of being real.

Please leave a comment below telling us about how people-pleasing has sabotaged your connection with others and how you’re going to honor your truth even more, starting today.

Fear Of Intimacy: No, You Can’t Spend The Night

A friend shared this article with me and I wanted to pass it on...


You’d be surprised at how many men expect to spend the night after you’ve slept with them for the first time.

Now, to be fair, I guess they generally have some reason to expect that. I’m far too awkward for one night stands, so we’ve probably been dating for some time. And we’ve expressed some sort of affection for each other. I have probably even told him that I like him and find him attractive – I’m sappy that way, like a Hallmark card. Which may be why, approximately one minute and thirty seconds after we’ve finished (I watch the clock), they look surprised when I say one of the following:

1) Gosh! That was lovely. There’s an all-night diner up my street, why don’t we get dressed and go there? (And then you should go back to your apartment).

2) Well, I’d love for you to stay the night, but I just have so much work to do. At 3:00 in the morning. Which is when I like to work. (I’ll just be sitting at my computer playing Civilization III which is all I ever do at 3:00 in the morning. Empire building is my job).

3) I’m sorry, I just have to get up really early for a thing. A breakfast thing. So, it’ll be best if I sleep alone. (Please don’t quiz me on the “breakfast thing.” I’ll make up something super insane if I’m put on the spot like “It’s with the Dalai Llama!”)

4) It’s such a shame that you have to start work so early. Though it’s great! I really admire how hard you work. You know, the northeast corner across from my building is usually the quickest spot to get a cab.    (I would offer to drive him, but, New York).

Or simply:

Such a pity you can’t spend the night. (Because presumably we live in a nightmare world where no one ever spends the night anywhere, ever).

There are some people who know me well – hi, Mom! - who assume I don’t let gentleman callers sleep over because I’m just being considerate. I’m a terrible sleeper. While I’ve finally conquered my early childhood sleepwalking, and no longer awaken to find myself under my bathroom sink, I still have night terrors and periodically wake up screaming. On occasion I’ve been told I also emit a low keening wail that reviewers have called “freaky,”  ”scared the shit out of me” and “you realize you sound like a zombie?”  These tendencies are good, completely understandable reasons why someone wouldn’t want to spend the night with me. But they have nothing to do with why I don’t want to spend the night with them.

They do make for a good excuse about why I hate sleepovers, though. Even with warnings about my zombie wail, screaming, and general awfulness to sleep with, I am eventually talked into spending the night. Sometimes I do this because I feel like I’ve run out of excuses. Sometimes I do it because my gentleman friend’s apartment is located next to my favorite bakery. Either/or. When I do, I lie on a separate level of sheets from the other person and sleep fitfully, waking myself up every few hours, wandering around the apartment, usually resigning myself to sleeping on the sofa which I can excuse by saying I was “twitchy.”

Ultimately, this behavior leads to a conversation about how I’m “just like a guy!” because of the way I “hate to cuddle.” I guess they think it’s quirky, or cute, as though I really loved watching football games or drinking beer or hunting elk. Because hunting elk is the most adorable thing you can do as a girl.

Now here is a secret: I love cuddling.

It’s pretty much my favorite thing.

Do you remember  in When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal turns to Meg Ryan to discuss how women like to cuddle all night and men cuddle thirty seconds? When he says, “How long do you like to be held? All night right? See, that’s the problem. Somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem”.

No, screw you, Billy Crystal, you are wrong. I do not want to be held all night – I want the cuddling to go into the next morning. I just want us to spoon and then when we get hungry I want us to rise to our feet, still spooning, and scuttle like Siamese twins into the kitchen where we’ll get – nothing, there’s no food in my refrigerator – and then scuttle back to the bed. And then nap. Still spooning. And I want it to go on like that forever. And ever. Until we starve. Or order take-out.

Do I like cuddling more than sex? In the post Sex-and-the-City era suggesting that you likeanything more than sex makes you a little unwomanly, doesn’t it? And I do like sex. I like it a lot. But I don’t find it makes me feel vulnerable - I find it, ideally, a fun activity, sort of like a more pleasurable version of tennis. But since I spend a lot of the time flipping through a mental rolodex of Cosmo tips, sex isn’t something that makes me feel exposed. But when I’m sleeping in someone’s arms? I’m completely, totally vulnerable. And I will say that after relationships end what I miss most isn’t the sex. What I miss most is feeling so safe and warm napping with someone on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Cuddling, when it happens, makes me feel like a jerk a lot of the time. Because unless I steel myself and rise every few hours and eventually sleep on the sofa, I cuddle, literally, unconsciously. Periodically I wake up and find myself lying on top of someone, like a cat. Mostly, though, I just grip the man through the night like a spider-monkey. And then I wake up and see some perfectly nice guy staring at me as though I’ve let him in emotionally and, no, I haven’t. And I feel like my body has just told him a massive lie.

But mostly I just don’t want to be my most vulnerable self with someone who I don’t completely trust to see me that way.

I’ve never regretted having sex with anyone. But I’ve regretted sleeping with plenty of people.

So, in the end, when I point men to the taxi stand all I’m really saying is, “I can have sex with you if I like you a whole lot. But if I’m going to spend the night curled up in your arms, clutching you like a marmoset, subjecting you to my sweet, sweet zombie love call – well, we had better be in love.”

By Jennifer Wright