Love at First Sight

My story isn’t one of love at first sight. We didn’t meet for two weeks after our first contact. But our constant communication, mutual respect, and friendship allowed the attraction to grow. It wasn’t rainbows and fireworks. It was butterflies and poetry. It was something more enduring.

I’m always interested to hear a couples’ story when they first come in. How did you meet? Sometimes I’m told, “we hated each other,” or “our friends set us up.” Connecting the dots from that first sight to those darkest moments is navigation over tricky terrain. I’m invited in to a tale of vulnerable intimacy that weaves through moments of lightness and crosses bridges of pain and fear.

Ultimately, when a couple sits across from me it’s because they both want to reconnect. They yearn for that happily-ever-after-dream of endless love and effortless communication. I always say that my magic wand is out of batteries, but if two people have a drop-in-the-bucket of relationship hope and are ready to put in the effort to rebuild their foundation I will do my best to guide them to living their dream.

I’ve heard that “love shouldn’t be work.” Loving someone isn’t work – it’s the expression of your love that is work. It’s work to meet your partner’s needs and work to let your partner know when you have needs that are crying to be met. On some level I believe everyone is seeking true love. Here’s what I know: -

1. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

 Here we are back to the “work” of love. Many people confuse the feelings of love with the actions of loving your partner. It’s not always easy to validate your partner when feelings are diminished.

2. The feeling of love can be cultivated, even if it wasn’t strong at first sight.

“I love him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him” If you have a strong relationship foundation feelings can be grown.

3.  Attraction is more than skin deep.

It’s a lie to think there is a “type.” Most people realize that skin-deep attraction doesn’t have a long shelf life.  Focus on the qualities you want in a relationship and see if your partner wants the same – create a mutual attraction of connection and kindness that can sustain a lifetime of loving.

4. Decide to open your heart.

Coming back to the idea that love shouldn’t have to be work; this is a lie. The action of love is work. Overcoming fear is work; overcoming doubt is work; overcoming communication barriers is work. When you learn how to address barriers to love you can push aside internal judgment and open to love.

The love you want is possible. The relationship you desire is possible. Turn off the romantic comedies and close the books on happily-ever-after and turn to your partner and open your heart. Look at the person. Identify the qualities that fulfill you and make your heart sing. Create your own shared love song.

L

Authority vs. Power Over / Power Under

Much pain and suffering comes from confusion about the difference between authority and power over.  In an ideal world, someone who is in authority has earned that authority through experience and learning.  For example, your boss has a certain authority at work.  She is likely able to hold a big picture of what is happening with the business and it's employees and what needs to happen.  She has earned this authority through work experience and education.  Because of this earned authority you and your co-workers give more weight to her ideas, decisions, and directives.  You trust what she is doing most of the time in regards to work decisions.

But when you give your boss authority in areas other than the immediate work environment or when you trust her every decision without checking in with your own sense of integrity, you are moving into a power over / power under consciousness.  For example, your boss doesn't get to weigh in on weather it is healthy for you to take an extra shift this week.  Only you have authority over your own self-care.
The reasons for slipping into a power over / power under consciousness are many and complex and volumes have been written about this topic (http://www.nvcworld.com/the-heart-of-social-change).  For our purposes here, the important thing is to learn to notice this for yourself and be able to return to a consciousness of power with.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put someone in power over you:

*You believe your needs are not as important or you don't deserve to have them met.
*You don't speak up when something is happening that is a violation of your ethics.
*You ask for or willingly receive advice from this person about areas of your life outside of the dimension in which he or she has authority.
*You bend your sense of personal boundaries to acomodate this person's wishes.
*You feel like you are in a trance around this person, like you can't access all of who you are or your sense of what's true.
*You feel smaller, speak in a smaller voice, or literally make yourself smaller through posture.
*After talking to this person you feel confused or fuzzy or disconnected from yourself.
*You lose your sense of humor and creativity around this person.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put yourself in power over another:

*You believe your needs are more important or you deserve to have them met before others.
*You make most of the decisions regardless of context.
*You announce what is going to happen rather negotiate to consider the needs of others.
*You give unsolicited advice about things not falling in your area of authority.
*You become angry and resentful if someone doesn't follow your advice or do things in a way you expect.
*You view the other as incapable, pitiful, and in need of your rescuing.
*You imagine you know what is right for another without asking them.
*You think a lot of about what this person or group of people should and shouldn't do.

In a "power with" consciousness, you maintain awareness and responsibility for your needs and values while being able to consider and hear the needs of others.  When you receive guidance and directives from someone in authority, you are able to discern your response in integrity with your needs/values and all the details relevant to that context.  If something seems off, you are able to ask questions of the person in authority.  You have clarity the boundaries of this person's authority.  You remember that the needs of all living beings are equally important regardless of roles and responsibilities.

Practice
Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there a relationship in which you slipping into power over / power under consciousness?  What are the signs?  Can you also find some examples in which you are maintaining a power with consciousness?  Your intimate relationship, parenting, work, and spiritual communities are all good places to watch for these dynamics.

Lashelle Lowe Charde