Tips for keeping your relationship exciting

BY SUMMER RAYNE OAKES

No matter what way you slice it, relationships with significant others always require work. Even the best ones can grow a little too… well… comfortable, which is why I was stoked when my good friend Kate Dillon recently opened up in a conversationabout what can keep a marriage (or any intimate long-term relationship for that matter) exciting.  

As Kate says, “It’s about finding that formula that works for you.” Every relationship is indeed different, but here are eight ideas from the conversation that we think will help bring excitement and longevity to any relationship. 

1. Stay intellectually stimulated.

Think about what makes a man (or a woman) irresistible. I’m sure we can draw up a number of physical traits, but after having conversations with a number of friends, most — if not all — always seem to mention the importance of mental stimulation. “I think staying intellectually engaging is more important for women,” says Kate. “I don’t want to feel as if I’m the only one bringing ideas to the table.” 

2. Be active.

If sex is the only physical “activity” that you or your partner engage in, then something needs to change. Being active to stay healthy and fit isn't just a favor you can do for yourself, but it’s also a pleasure for your partner. Kate and I both feel that it’s particularly challenging dating someone who doesn’t have an active lifestyle. Working out regularly, whether together or separately, can introduce another level of energy and attraction between two partners. 

 

3. Be romantic.

After being with a partner for a long time, we can often take him or her for granted. It’s important not to lose the romance. And when I say romance, I don’t mean sending a sexy text message (though that can be nice too). Romance often involves a continued, inspired and sustained set of actions that remind your partner how much you care for him or her. Sending flowers periodically to the workplace, leaving missives under the door or writing poetic verse (even if over email) may sound old school, but I’ve found that these are highly appreciated and often returned in kind.

4. Cook together.

Everyone always appreciates a good meal, especially if it’s home cooked. Plan and prepare a special meal together. You may be surprised how it feels more like a romantic ritual than a chore. 

5. Gift an experience.

Instead of giving physical objects as gifts during the holidays, try gifting activities that can stimulate your partner or that you can do together. Perhaps it’s a ticket to see live music or a surprise weekend trip. “My friend gave her husband a knife blacksmithing class for Christmas,” Kate told me. “That’s really hot!” 

6. Be spontaneous.

 

Nothing shakes up monotony like a bout of spontaneity. Though many of us like to plan everything out, sometimes being too calculated discourages excitement. Take a road trip for the weekend; book a hotel nearby to change the scenery; or take off early one day to catch a movie or see a museum. 

7. Inspire each other.

One of the things I love about being in a relationship is not only inspiring my significant other, but also being inspired by him. When two people come together, particularly two deeply engaged individuals, it’s imperative that inspiration flows freely throughout. If anything, it will offer a support base for each person’s life work. 

8. Laugh it up.

Humor can go a long way, if only to break up the more serious matters that crop up in a relationship. My grandparents have been married for 60 years, and I don’t think a day goes by without my grandpa cracking a joke or my grandmother teasing my grandfather. If anything, having a sense of humor can help diffuse tension and add some spice to life. 

5 Ways to Stay Independent & Maintain a Strong Relationship

By Summer Rayne Oakes

As a strong, independent woman, I recognize the need for autonomy in my own life — in and out of a romantic relationship. And as a close friend of Kate’s — who is another self-reliant, freethinking individual — I couldn’t help but inquire about how she manages being a wife and mother. “I am still working through the transition,” she confided. “[I realized] we had to be partners and get past the love part. The love part becomes the foundation you rely on when things get tough.”

After the conversation, we came up with five ways to be autonomous while maintaining a strong relationship. Ironically, I feel that preserving some of your independence only gives a relationship more strength, spontaneity and longevity.

1. Take a time out. 

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in a relationship, particularly if you're spending your time tending to the needs of other people and forgetting your own. When you identify this, do yourself a favor and take a time out. Go read a book, take a walk in the park, get a massage, or even take a hot shower to have some quiet time.

2. Don’t forget your friends.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they never see you anymore ever since you’ve been hitched? The strong bond you build with your friends is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. After all, to whom can you turn if the waters get a little turbulent with your significant other? Make the time for close friends — even if it’s one day a week. A girl’s or guy’s night out may just be the recipe for a successful relationship in the long run. 

3. Have your own hobbies.

As much as it's important to have activities that you do with one another, it's also vital to maintain your own sense of self through activities that speak to your individuality. Perhaps you and your counterpart love to run together, but he or she can’t stand yoga. That’s ok. Explore the activities that bring you together and don’t be afraid to continue to do the ones that give you a sense of self. 

4. Have some alone time.

Beyond taking a time out, it's important to give yourself an extended vacation from life once in a while. “I need a lot of time by myself to recharge,” Kate admits. This may mean taking a retreat away to another city or training for a triathlon or half-marathon, which gives you an extended amount of time to let your mind wander. 

5. Communicate openly. 

Communicating openly with your loved one is far and away the most important aspect to the health and longevity of any relationship. Even if you don't see eye-to-eye all the time, there's an undeniable power behind telling your counterpart when you feel as if you need time away. This will only add to a deeper understanding of your needs, and often will result in a compromise that you can both agree on. 

12 Warning Signs That It's Emotional Infidelity and Not Just "Friendship"

A new sort of infidelity has been on the rise for decades, and it’s one of the biggest threats to marriage: ‘emotional affairs.’ Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of opportunities for ‘emotional affairs,’ surpassed only by the Internet.

A relationship without sex can be just as intense, or more so than a sexual one. Not surprisingly, in most cases, approximately 80% according to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, the dynamics of these platonic liaisons crosses over into sexual love sooner or later.

Why the crisis?

To understand the intensity of emotional infidelity, it helps to see the dynamics as an addiction, a form of addictive love. That’s because it’s easier to let go of a toxic pattern when you depersonalize the experience.

It’s not about ‘how’ special the person is or makes you feel, it’s about the neurochemicals that get activated when you think and behave a certain way that keeps you stuck in the damaging pattern! It isn’t a coincidence, for example, that persons with alcohol and other addictions are more likely to get into toxic relationships. Seeing the problem as an addiction also gives you access to proven steps to identify and break free of the toxic patterns.

Why addictive?

An addiction to an activity, person or substance puts a person’s brain and body in an intoxicating trance that, on the one hand, does not allow them to think clearly and make informed choices, and on the other hand, ‘rewards’  them for the toxic behavior with the release of certain chemicals that provide quick-fixes of pleasure in the body. Albeit temporary, there is also pleasure from lowering or numbing pain, shame or guilt, as it provides distance from taking responsibility to resolve the real issues of life and marriage (which risk failure).

In the The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior Craig Nakken provides the following definition for addiction, as:

 “A pathological love and trust relationship with an object [person] or event … the out-of-control and aimless searching for wholeness, happiness, and peace through a relationship with an object or event.”

It makes sense that so many depressives and alcoholics find themselves in toxic relationships.

What are the warning signs?

There are at least 12 warning signs to alert you to take action to protect yourself and your relationship from ‘emotional infidelity.’

1. Thinking and saying you’re ‘just friends’ with opposite-sex.

If you’ve been thinking or saying, “we’re just friends,” think again. If it’s a member of the opposite sex, you may be swimming in treacherous waters. The very words are dangerous to your marriage.

This rationale allows you to make excuses, or more plainly, to tell lies (to yourself and others) about something you know in your gut is wrong. Regardless how strongly TV and entertainment promote the idea of opposite-sex friendships (and this is part of the problem!) as not only ‘okay,’ but also ‘right’ to demand unconditional trust, in most cases, an intimate friendship with a member of the opposite-sex that you find interesting and attractive poses risks.

2. Treating them as a confidant, sharing intimate issues. 

Sharing thoughts and deepest concerns, hopes and fears, passions and problems is what deepens intimacy; it builds an emotional bond between two people, time better used in marriage relationship. Giving this away to another person, regardless of the justification, is infidelity, a betrayal of trust. This is especially true when you consider that emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human relationships, much stronger than a sexual one. 

3. Discussing troubling aspects of your marriage and partners. 

Talking or venting to a person of the opposite sex about what your marriage lacks, what your partner lacks, or what you’re not getting to make you happy sends a loud message that you’re available for someone else to ‘love and care’ for your needs. It’s also a breach of trust. And, like gossip, it creates a false sense of shared connection, and an illusion that you, your happiness, your comfort and needs are totally valued by this person (when, in truth, this has not been put to the test!). 

4. Comparing them verbally and mentally to your partner. 

Another danger sign is a thinking pattern that increasingly finds what is ‘positive’ and ‘just right’ about the friend and ‘negative’ and ‘unfulfilling’ about the partner.  This builds a case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner. Another mental breach of trust, this unfairly builds a physiologically felt case ‘for’ the friend and ‘against’ the partner, forming mental images in the brain that associate pleasurable and painful sensations accordingly. 

5. Obsessively thinking or daydreaming about the person.

If you find yourself looking forward to seeing the person, cannot wait to share news, think about what you’re going to tell them when you’re apart, and imagine their excitement, you’re in trouble. This sense of expectation, excitement, anticipation releases dopamine in reward centers of your brain, reinforcing toxic patterns. Obsessively thinking about the person is an obvious signal that something is wrong. After all, you don’t do this with your friends, right?

6. Believing this person ‘gets’ you like no other.

It always appears this way in affairs and romantic encounters at the start. It’s an illusion, and in the case of emotional infidelity, one that is dangerous to a marriage because the sense of mutual ‘understanding’ forms a bond that strengthens and deepens emotional intimacy, with the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, such as the love and safety hormone oxytocin. This focus also puts you in a ‘getting’ frame of mind. It means you are approaching your marriage in terms of what you’re getting or not getting, rather than what you’re contributing.

7. Pulling out of regular activities with your partner, family, work.

Being absorbed with desire to spend more and more time talking, sharing, being with the person, it’s only natural to begin to resent time you spend on responsibilities and activities at home (and work?). As a result, you begin to pull away, turn down, or make excuses for not joining regular activities with your partner and family. Family members notice you are withdrawn, irritable and unhappy.

8. Keeping what you do secret and covering up your trail.

Secrecy itself is a warning sign. It creates a distinct closeness between two people, and at the same time grows the distance between them and others. Secrets create a special bond, most often an unhealthy one. For example, there may be a false sense of emotional safety and trust with the person, and an unwarranted mistrust and suspicion of the partner, or those who try to interfere with the ‘friendship.’

9. Keeping a growing list of reasons that justify your behaviors. 

This involves an addictive pattern of thinking that focuses your attention on how unhappy you are, why you’re unhappy, and blames your partner and marriage for all aspects of your unhappiness. It builds a dangerous sense of entitlement and forms a pool of resentment from which you feel justified to mistreat your partner or do what you need to increase your happiness without considering the consequences.

10. Fantasizing about a love or sexual relationship with the person. 

At some point, one or both persons begin to fantasize about having a love or sexual relationship with the other. They may begin to have discussions about this, which adds to the intensity, the intrigue and the intoxicating addictive releases of neurochemicals that make the pattern more entrenched.

11. Giving or receiving personal gifts from the person.

Another flag is when the obsession affects your buying behaviors, so that you begin to think about this person when you are shopping, wondering what they like or would show your appreciation. The gift choices are something intimate items that you would not give ‘just’ a friend. Gifts send clear messages that the two of you are a ‘close we’ set apart from others, and that the relationship is ‘special.’

12. Planning to spend time alone together or letting it happen.

This is the warning sign that, when not heeded, most often pushes partners to cross the line from a platonic to a sexual relationship. Despite good intentions and promises to one another that they would not let ‘anything’ happen, it’s a set up, a matter of time, when opposite-sex friends flirt with the availability of time alone.