Your Partner's Reactivity isn't About You adapted from LaShelle Charde

Reactivity =  The tendency to be responsive or to react to a stimulus…also known as an emotional reaction.

LaShelle Charde addresses how reactivity in a relationship is a conditioned behavior that is based on past events. So, when you are “reacting” in the present situation you are also unconsciously basing your current emotions on a past event(s).  Sometimes your “deeply conditioned reactive patterns” have become so automatic  that you may not even remember the past experience they are based upon.

Thinking of how you may react in the heat of the moment…or your partner…it is highly likely that when your partner is  tapping into that reactivity nerve  -  he or she is basing emotion on a past event.  What’s difficult in the moment is to realize that your partner is reacting to the feelings of those past events and not really addressing “you.”

Now, when you do make it about you, typically you go into a reactive trance as well and start defending and/or accusing back.  This is when arguments escalate and past events are unearthed.

If you take a moment to reflect on what your partner is like when he or she is in reactivity, you probably know quite a bit.  You can likely name the tone & volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, and particular phrases that are signs of reactivity.  

The more you mindfully track these signs in your partner, the more likely you are to catch reactivity when it first arises.  The earlier reactivity is met, the easier it is to break the trance of it.

Bringing all this to mind now, you can practice gaining perspective of what's actually happening in those moments.  Which is, of course, that underneath your partner's reactivity, he or she is experiencing feelings like fear, hurt, or shame and has specific needs.  I'm guessing that if you take another moment right now, you can likely name which needs are connected to which reactive patterns (There is a feelings and needs list on  Charde’s website at www.wiseheartpdx.org).  They tend to be the same ones over and over again.

 Be careful here.  The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is not so that you can try to behave in such a way that she or he never reacts.  This is  this impossible and  creates a relationship that's more about avoiding and suppressing than coming together.  

The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is so that you can choose how you would like to respond rather than react. Think about those words…respond….and react....

 When you can meet your partner's reactivity in this grounded way, there are many choices you can make.  Here are a few that could be helpful:

*Set a Boundary:  If your partner is name-calling or using other language that doesn't meet your need for respect, it's helpful to set a boundary immediately by saying what you want.  For example, "I need respect, please say that differently."  If your partner doesn't respond to this, then you may set a further boundary by saying you will return at some specific time and then removing yourself physically from the environment.

 *Honest Expression:  You might express what's going on for you.  For example, "As I hear you right now I feel disconnected and I really want to connect.  Can we pause in silence and take a few deep breaths?"

 *Empathy Guess:  You can make an attempt to hear what's going on for your partner underneath the reactivity.  For example, "I'm hearing that when I told you how drive, it really didn't work for you."  Or  "Sounds like you're angry and hurt and want things to be fair?"

 *Offer Reassurance:  Because reactivity is based on a perceived threat, reassurance about what is actually true is almost always helpful.  This can be tricky, because you may try to offer reassurance by denying the accusations you are hearing.  You might hear yourself say something like, "I am not trying to control you!"  This very different from saying, "I really want you to choose what's right for you."

The important part here is that if you can recognize reactivity for what it is, you can keep yourself from expressing reactivity back and at the very best offer a healing response.  Take time now to think about a consistent reaction your partner has.  Name its signs and the feelings and needs you guess are underneath.  Decide how you will respond the next time it shows up.

 Here are some universal patterns and associated needs identified by Charde:

1.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Overwhelm, terror, shut down, dissociation, overanalyzing . Associated Needs:-  safety & belonging  

2.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern :  Hopelessness, sense of abandonment, disowning needs, not accepting help.  Associated Need:-  support

3.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Shame, humiliation, helplessness, rage, puffing up & getting tough or charming, persuading, and manipulating others.  Associated Needs :- acceptance of vulnerability

4.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Anger, resentment, passive resistance, refusing to commit, becoming immovable, having a sense of being in a hopeless bind.   Associated Need:-  autonomy

 5.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern: Anxiety, hurt, perception of being ignored or rejected, working hard to win love and attention through high drama, big sparkle, or great achievements.  Associated Needs:-  being seen/heard, and unconditional love.