Have you ever caught yourself
automatically expressing criticism? Do you default to being contrary? Is your
glass half-full but too heavy to hold?
Chances are…if you are a habitual
naysayer you may feel yourself become someone you don’t like very much. The
more you find fault with another person or idea, the more negative you become
and then…the more you find fault.
You feel irritable.
Every little thing seems to annoy
you.
What’s happening?
If you are not self-aware and
grounded, your whole experience can become a series of reactive lunges, or knee
jerks, to and from all that you encounter. You are free when you have enough
awareness to notice your impulses and make choices to respond in a way that you
truly want.
Interrupting this kind of knee jerk
reactivity means pausing and holding yourself still. In that stillness you
allow yourself to feel any aversive feelings and question - Will my reaction
help me create what I want in this moment?
On a more complex level, knee jerk
negativity also arises out of a drive to establish your sense of self. In doing
so you hope to meet your needs for security, belonging, and autonomy.
Establishing a sense of self that is whole, integrated, and dynamic is a
natural part of any evolving path. However, trying to establish a sense
of self by expressing what you don't like and don't agree with will leave you
feeling empty and limp.
Take a pause…take the time to hear
what someone says. This not only gives them a sense that you are really
listening, but allows you to make a true choice about your response. In
that pause, you might find that you can be curious about perspectives that seem
contrary to your own.
You might come out of a pause and
ask a clarifying question.
You might come out of the pause with
clarity about your own needs and values. You could then honor yourself
and your listener and ask if she or he is interested in hearing your
perspective.
The ability to find stillness and
ask for a pause is one of the most important skills you can cultivate.
With this skill you can consistently make decisions that are in alignment
with your values and your heart's longing. With this skill you can
transform escalating arguments into collaborative conversations that can
respect differences
Practice
This week pick something that you
regularly react to with negativity. Some common examples might be:
other drivers, smoke outside your office window, a co-worker whom you
dislike, your child pleading for more video game time, your partner talking
about a challenge at work, noise from the neighbors, etc. Choose one
thing and set the intention to be still and simply notice your negative
reaction and letting the intensity of it pass so that you can choose how you
would most like to respond.
