Making Threats or Setting Boundaries

Making Threats or Setting Boundaries

In the midst of replaying a painful pattern between you and your partner, it can be difficult to tell the difference between making a threat and setting a boundary. I have frequently heard couples confuse the two. Let's look at what gets confused with an example from Gustav and Inez.
Last night Gustav got drunk and communicated in some ways that didn't meet Inez's needs for respect and caring. Inez could find no way to connect with Gustav in his drunken state. She decided the only thing she could do is take care of herself by leaving the house and spending the night elsewhere if it happens again. She expressed this decision to Gustav. Hearing this, Gustav accused her of threatening him.
Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him for three reasons. One, he recognizes that Inez has made a decision to behave a certain way based on his actions. This idea of behavior dependent response is part of what defines a threat, but by itself does not typically imply threat. For example, if Gustav began visiting his brother on Friday nights, Inez might say something like, "If you are going to visit your brother on Friday, I am going to go out with Susan." This has the same element of behavior dependent response, but would not likely be heard as a threat.
The second reason Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him is that he interprets Inez's plan as an intention to hurt and punish him, not just to take care of herself. The intention to hurt or punish another based on their behavior is what defines a threat.
The third reason, is that Inez's plan to leave the house and spend the night elsewhere means they will both lose out on any connection that might be possible under those circumstances. Gustav experiences this lost opportunity as a punishment.
So how can Gustav and Inez avoid this merry-go-round of misunderstanding and pain?
Rather than just expressing her plan of action, Inez would have more luck with revealing her feelings and needs first. It might sound like this:

Inez: "Gustav, last night when you were drunk and talking to me in the way you did, I was feeling scared and hurt. I needed safety and respect. So I am wanting to take care of myself better the next time you are as intoxicated as you were last night. I am thinking it might be best for me, if I just spend the night at my sister's if it happens again. What do you think would be best?"

In this way Inez can open a dialogue around how she not only can take care of herself but also how the two of them may come up with strategies to care for each other and the relationship.
However, in some cases, negotiations have been made again and again around a particular need-costing behavior and there has been no change. At this point, one partner may simply reach a tolerance limit. That is, if Inez and Gustav have worked out various ways to handle this situation but despite their efforts it has ended in pain for them both, Inez may set a boundary by making a unilateral decision to take care of herself by leaving the house, with the intention to save them both from pain. This kind of decision making can meet needs for structure and clarity in the relationship providing a clear message about what is not workable in the relationship.
Part of creating healthy relationships is recognizing the difference between what you are willing to work on in a relationship and what you are not. You get to choose what you give your energy to. When you communicate this clearly to others, they get to choose how to respond to you.

Practice
Where in your relationships are you "putting up with something" you would rather not give your energy to? Where in your relationships would you like to work on a change and haven't yet expressed your observations, feelings, needs, and requests? Take a moment now to answer each of these questions for yourself and identify your feelings and needs in the situations you named.

LaShelle Lowe-Charde

10 Wasted Years!

10 Wasted Years!

…or 5 wasted years….21 wasted years!

I’ve heard it before: you’re at the end of a relationship and suddenly all the years of intimacy, giggles, tears, and trials have become a huge WASTE.

Wait a minute! A waste? Really? Sounds to me like your years have been years LIVED…explored…endured…enjoyed…an experience that you shouldn’t negate because now your journey is at an end and you are facing transition.

Change can be intimidating – even scary – but that doesn’t diminish your life experiences! An end (and consequently a new beginning) is a time to reflect upon and thank and cherish the time spent with your partner.

You haven’t wasted anything – you’ve experienced LIFE…you’ve loved, shared, and grown. You’ve been on a journey…embrace it.

Don’t let your journey become blinded by the destination.

The destination is but a fleeting moment but the journey is your life.

You own your journey…You don’t own the destination.

~J. Charest

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

BY SHANNON KAISEROnly 4% of women around the world would describe themselves as beautiful, 72% of young women feel “tremendous pressure to be beautiful,” and over 54% of them agree that when it comes to how they look, they are their own worst beauty critics.*

Of course these numbers are alarming, but the emotional impact is even more traumatic. As women, we know that the conversations we have inside our head can be brutal.

This emotional abuse can lead to self-sabotage, addictions, depression, eating disorders and isolation. As a woman who has suffered from all of these, I often wonder what it's all for. Who is it we are really trying to impress?

Many people are taught from an early age to loathe and try to fix their bodies, and this issue isn't exclusive to females. But you don’t have to have a clinical eating disorder to have a warped body image.

Over the past year, I have looked closely at my habits to uncover how my self-sabotaging patterns have played into every aspect of my life.

This most obvious pattern was in my romantic relationships. I used to get involved with men who were emotionally damaging my self-esteem. What I see now is that I have consistently picked partners based on the level of love I thought I deserved. This meant that because I felt unworthy, unloved and less than pretty, my relationships could only reflect the same.

I realized my pattern of staying with people who were emotionally destructive was a mirror to the pain inside my own head. The first step I took to regain my health and happiness was to step away from the distractions. I immediately put myself on a dating detox, along with a health and relationship cleanse. What I really needed was some tender love and self-care.

I spent an entire year dedicated to removing the barriers that were keeping me from letting real love in. After this intense soul-searching experiment, I can see that self-love is not a true destination, but a journey. Like all aspects of life, it's about the process of working towards self-love as much as the final outcome. 

Today I love myself more than I ever have, though I still have moments where my confidence is low or my mood is dark. That's a normal part of life. This euphoric and consistent self-love experience might be a reality for some, but with over 97% of women on the planet claiming to dislike their looks and feeling unworthy, I'd guess we're all in this together.

What if our constant quest to feel beautiful is really just a yearning to feel connected, a deep desire to feel seen for who we really are?

The fact is, we all want to be part of something much bigger than ourselves, but in our quest to connect to others, we often trip over the cracks of life and find ourselves back in our self-sabotaging patterns. What I've come to realize is that women see themselves less accurately than the rest of the world. We're our own worst critics. What if we cleaned up our self-talk, and started to respect and appreciate our unique selves?

Here is a system I’ve started to use; I call it the Four F-bombs to Ultimate Self-Love. It has helped me, and maybe it can help others regain balance and self-confidence. 

1. FORGIVE yourself.

The energy spent on being angry, frustrated or enraged consumes us. In the end, it only hurts us and no one else. Most often the person we need to forgive is ourselves. If you're mad, forgive yourself and allow the healing to begin.

2. FACE your fear.

Many of our insecurities spring from deep-rooted fears. By getting in touch with our feelings, we can recognize those fear-based thoughts. Do your thoughts make you anxious, worried or cause you pain? Fear-based thoughts arise from a place of lack and not feeling “good enough.” By consciously raising our vibration and focusing on positive and healthful emotions, we can push through our fear.

3. FEEL your emotions.

I've found the recent tragedies hitting me harder than similar past events. As a former endurance athlete, I had an emotional connection that I never felt before, and my heart went out to those involved in the Boston Marathon bombings.

Without even realizing it, I was diving into a pint of ice cream, trying to numb myself and avoid the very real pain I was feeling. It took a moment, but I recognized that what I was looking for was not at the bottom of Cherry Garcia. We all have habits and vices that we turn to in trying times, but practicing those bad habits on a regular basis only contributes to our lack of self-esteem. What I was really hungry for was security. I felt unsafe. 

Learning to recognize why we do what we do and becoming more aware of our habits can free us from the burden of feeling unworthy. Let your feelings work through you.

4. FOCUS on your superstar self.

We tend to focus on what's not working; the traits, characteristics and physical features that we don't like about ourselves. Instead of focusing your attention on what you dislike, turn your focus to what you are thankful for. Create a list of your awesome, superstar qualities, and post the list by your desk or on your bathroom mirror. Repeat it out loud to yourself each time you see it.

What do you think about this topic? Do people see themselves less accurately than strangers do? Leave your comments below.

If you want to cultivate more self-love, join Shannon Kaiser for the free online seminar "Unleash Your Inner Super Star" May 7. Sign up for free here. 

This article inspired by Dove's social experiment. See full video here.

* Independent Dove Research

6 ways to reconnect with your most powerful self

BY AMANDA CHRISTIANBetween all the tasks, people and activities competing for our attention every day, it’s so easy to get lost in the routine and lose touch of our most powerful, loving selves. Before we know it, we’re acting out of habit or are glued to the computer. The following are some ways I get real, and come back to myself:

1. Spend time alone.

Spend time alone with no social media or cell phone. Gasp! Most of us are connected all the time, and it's very easy to get out of touch with how we feel. It’s so important to spend time with yourself every day in order to recharge your self-love battery and come back to the awareness of the loveliness all around you in this moment. 

2. Feel your feelings.

There is nothing “spiritual,” positive or holy about hiding your feelings and pretending you are happy when you’re not. This doesn't mean that you need to act on all your feelings; instead, be honest with yourself about what you're feeling so that it can move through you and be released. You become more real by becoming more honest. 

3. Journal.

Becoming more honest with yourself might bring up some feelings about your past that need to be released. Write them down. My journal is a mess of misspelled words, run-on sentences, unfinished poems, weird doodles and the occasional “ah-ha” moment circled with stars and exclamation points. There are no rules. Just let the feelings and ideas out!  

4. Spend time in nature.

Mother nature is my best friend. No joke. Whenever I'm feeling a little funky, usually from too much computer time, I throw on my sneakers and head out to the woods for a little forest therapy. Deeply breathe in the fresh air, hug a tree, smile and remember all the love you have in your life right now. 

5. Release the need for external validation.

Most of us are motivated to do and say things based on the way we think others are going to respond. This isn't good or bad, but it’s meaningless. You can’t control or predict how other people feel or react. Go with your gut. Set the intention for peace. When you act from a place of authenticity, likability will follow. I promise.

6. Claim your power.

Don’t be afraid of outshining others. As Marianne Williamson said, “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” Don’t be afraid to go after your passions and let yourself shine.

Now that you’ve just spent time reading how to be more true to yourself, how can you apply these ideas? It’s in the application of the ideas that you will experience the change. Today I challenge you to do at least one of the things above.

Want an idea? How about ditching the cell phone and venturing out for a walk by yourself? Bring your journal to write out your feelings, sit under a tree and bliss out. That’s the makings of one delightful authentic connection with my most powerful loving self if you ask me! Soak it in.  

Why we stay in relationships way too long

BY DR. DANIELLE DOWLING
A

You know how it goes – how it feels. You know the thoughts that trip through your head. 

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. 

Maybe this is just the reality of long term relationships and I need to be more realistic. 

Maybe if I (or both of us) try harder, it will feel right.

So you stick it out. You take it a day at a time.  And it doesn’t get better.

Why do we let relationships linger past their expiration date?

A bit of insight.

1. We forgot we have a choice.  

You’ve become a duo. You say “we” instead of “I.”  It’s easy to forget that relationships aren’t written in stone. Relationships should make you feel expansive.

Remember that you chose this relationship. You have the option to choose again.

2. We stay for “their” sake. 

You don’t want to hurt them. They’re going through a tough time at work and you don’t want to add to the load. One of the most common reasons for delaying a breakup is to prevent our partner from feeling shitty. We may feel that the decision to spare our partner’s feelings is the kind-hearted and evolved choice, but it can actually be more damaging in the long-run.

Your partner has the right to a relationship with someone who adores them. By dragging your heels and squandering your and your partner’s time, you’re doing a disservice to both of you.

3. People expect us to stay together . 

You two are at the top of  every barbecue, holiday and birthday party list.  You and your honey are THE couple.  You two are A Good Time. Maybe you’ve even got a big ole’ diamond on your finger and families and friends expect a wedding. Regardless, staying together because people expect you to is a prescription for a life time of unhappiness.

4. We’re so invested. 

You can’t stop now, after all that you’ve invested! You bought furniture together, for the love of God! We’ve all been there and we all know this is totally irrational. The fact that you’ve spent a lot of time together doesn’t mean that you have to spend your future together.

5. We’re afraid of the breakup. 

Maybe they’ll yell. Maybe they’ll cry. Maybe you’ll have to change your Facebook relationship status and then everyone will make comments and send you a million emails and texts. And you’ll have to separate all your books and DVDs. And yes, it will be kind of awful.

But wouldn’t it be significantly more awful to spend years and years with someone who doesn’t light your fire?

5b. Honestly, it all dials back to number 5.  

When broken down into it’s most raw, unfiltered essence: we’re afraid. Fearful of being alone. Because we think “alone” will leave us vulnerable and potentially deemed unlovable. This is not true, of course. But when comfort, as we know it, is threatened, our survival nature can quickly overtake intelligence and irrational behavior reins supreme. And in this case we stall a long overdue separation.

Breaking up can be a crushing experience.  

But staying together for the wrong reasons will nonetheless dismantle you.

Just more slowly.

If you’re in a relationship that’s run its course, take a deep breath and give both of you the freedom you deserve.

I-Dating...Can you find love?

There are roughly 50 million singles in the U.S., and according to various dating sites, 40 million have tried online dating. That’s a pretty significant number…but how successful is it for finding love?

Depending on the dating site:

…between 17% and 23% of those married in the last three years have met their partners online.

…the internet gives people access to more potential partners than you are likely to meet around town.

...you have the ability to get to know your potential mate from the comfort of home.

I think the biggest benefit of online dating is the ability to really get to know someone without the distraction of face-to-face contact (meaning you won’t be distracted by attraction or physical proximity). You’ll have the chance to listen to what’s truly being said or conveyed over the phone, to learn the life stories, to pick up on tone and inflection and to go out of your way to connect without touch.

Of course, online or virtual dating does ask you to exercise your communication skills. If you are solely relying on text or Email there’s a lot of room for misinterpretation.

Some things to keep in mind if you decide to hop on the I-Date path: -

1.    Pick the site that’s right for you! There are upward of 1,400 online dating sites giving you tons of options! There are general dating sites like match.com and plentyoffish.com, or more marriage-minded sites like eHarmony.com, PerfectMatch.com, or Chemistry.com. Perhaps you’d like more a niche site like JDate.com, ChristianCafe.com, DateMyPet.com or FitnessSingles.com. Try them out…if you’re looking for a perfect match then you want to make sure to join the site that’s going to provide you with the largest pool of potential mates that meet your compatibility criteria.

2.   Take the compatibility test. Although I doubt an algorithm is going to lead you to your ideal mate, it will help weed out your search list.

3.   Pick an appropriate screen name…Hotty69 might get you a date tonight, but may not necessarily introduce you to your potential partner. Your screen name is your first impression…maybe connect your name with a hobby (GolfingJane or LesaRuns) to attract people with your interests.

4.   Break the bland mode and stand out! Like to walk on the beach, go to movies and listen to music? Yea, so does the rest of the world. Share some special details…music? What’s your favorite CD? What about walking on the beach is so special to you? Don’t be afraid to put off potential dates through your profile – that’s what you want to do…weed out and attract those who could be a good match.

5.   Use spell check! Okay…that may just be a personal peeve of mine (along with homophone mix-ups), but misspelled words and poor grammar can be an instant turn off… u no?

6.   Post pictures to get attention! Please make them recent! I’m sure you looked absolutely fabulous 5 or 10 years ago, but people want to know what you look like now. And skip the bikini…if you put up a bikini shot you lose the right to complain that guys are contacting you for sex because you’re out there as a sexual being.

Your virtual dating scene still requires you to remain authentic and emotionally available. Think about the type of person you’re looking for and how much of yourself you’re willing to invest in building a relationship. Remember, with texting, Skype, and cheap flights…. anything is possible!

16 Quotes to help live your dream

16 Inspirational Quotes To Help Make Your Dream Life A Reality

By Silvia Mordini

Spending time dreaming is not the waste of time some would have you believe. Daydreaming, more than anything else, can stoke your creative energy and amp you back up. It's vital to your overall mental, emotional and physical health, and neuroscientists have found dreaming to be an important part of your cognitive wellbeing. A 2012 study published in Psychological Science by researchers from the University of Wisconsin and the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Science suggests that a wandering mind correlates to higher degrees of what is referred to as working memory. This means dreaming might help us tap into creative problem-solving. 

Apathy and complacency are the real enemies of love. They sneak up on us like small leaks in a boat and drain our imagination until we lose all motivation to keep growing. We’ve all fallen into this chasm of downward energy, but it's vital to continue dreaming and acting on dreams to develop as human beings.

Recommit to letting your mind explore new possibilities by conceptualizing your biggest dreams and acting on them within the next 24 hours. Here are 16 quotes that will inspire you to live your dream life.

“Dreams are necessary to life.” - Anais Nin

“All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together.” - Jack Kerouac

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” - Walt Disney

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” - Harriet Tubman

“As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.” - Joy Page

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask, why? I dream of things that never were, and ask, why not?” - Robert Kennedy

“All men of action are dreamers.” - James Huneker

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!" - Goethe

“A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” - Colin Powell

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.” - Anais Nin

“We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort.” - Jesse Owens

“If you take responsibility for yourself you will develop a hunger to accomplish your dreams.” - Les Brown

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” - Henry David Thoreau

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” - Anatole France