Let go of grudges and feel better

By Steve Sisgold

 

If you've ever been dumped by a lover, demoted by a boss, or hurt or bullied by an old classmate, did you hold onto hateful thoughts or even carry revengeful actions out on them to get even or even feel better? It wouldn't be surprising if you did either of them, since we watch so many movies and feel so good when the good guy gets even with the villain.
However, new research is shining light on who actually gets hurt the most by carrying grudges and having prolonged hateful thoughts. According to Duke University, Univ. of Tennessee, and Stanford University, "Holding onto hurts, grudges, annoyances, pet peeves or old wounds hurts the body, especially when the memories are triggered by current life events." They confirmed a physiological link between negative emotional states like revengeful thinking and actions and how it produces stress on the body. They found that stress from revenge or hateful thoughts also lowers the immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to illness and asserts that, "People who are able to forgive can actually modify their heart rate, lower their blood pressure, decrease physical pain and even relieve their depression." Harvard Women's Health Watch also reported findings on how forgiveness instead of hate or holding on to grudges can benefit your mental and physical health. 

           

Two people who know a lot about the healing power of forgiveness are authors Master Charles Cannon and Will Wilkinson, who wrote a revolutionary new book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, How Survivors of the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Answered Hatred With Love.

Cannon, a Vedic Monk with a nonprofit foundation based in Virginia, told me about how he chose forgiveness over hate in Mumbai when he and 24 of his associates, visiting ashrams throughout India, found themselves under siege in the Oberoi, a five star hotel in Mumbai. "We all could have died," he admitted, " and two in our group did. Another four were injured. But, still, that didn't mean we couldn't forgive the terrorists."

He explained why they chose love instead of hate. "It wasn't about denying what we felt," Master Charles explained. "It was horrible. We were afraid and terrified! Who wouldn't be? And when we learned the fate of our dear friends, we were deeply, deeply saddened. But the question remained, How would we choose to be in relation to what happened? Would we assume the role of victims who wanted our attackers to be punished? Or, could we make another choice? We did. We chose to answer with love, instead of hatred. We refused to let the terrorists control us and make us be just like them and we felt better for that choice"

News reports of other recent disasters have featured similar extraordinary gestures of forgiveness that made the victims feel better. When gunman Charles Roberts killed five young girls in an Amish school shooting in Pennsylvania, Amish community members chose to comfort Roberts' widow and even set up a charitable fund for the shooter's family. Azim Khamisa's son Tariqu was murdered in a gang-related incident but Azim chose to forgive rather than to seek revenge. He has since written four books and now offers public presentations and corporate seminars around the world on the power of forgiveness.

Is there a secret to forgiving the unforgivable? "It's all about who we choose to be in response to violence," Cannon believes. "If we retaliate with anger and vengeance then we've let another person control how we act and feel."

While most of us will never need to match the heroics of the Amish community or Cannon or Khamisa, we can learn how to forgive in our everyday lives. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy and let go of stress, anger and pain you may be holding onto. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of improved physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Responding to Crisis

Depression is a common psychiatric disorder found in children, adolescents, adults and the elderly (Sharp & Lipsky, 2002). Symptoms of depression include feelings of stress, sadness, hopelessness and agitation (Monroe, et al., 2007). Identifying and assessing clients with severe depression who may be suicidal is important in order to provide the best care and course of treatment.

In my practice, if a client presents with suicidal ideation, the following information is discovered: (1) thoughts of suicide, (2) plan for committing suicide, and (3) accessibility for implementing suicide plan.

If an individual is identified as “low risk” then it is understood by the counselor that the client does not mean to harm self, has no history of suicide attempts, is not a substance abuser and is not physically abused.

An individual identified as a “moderate risk” may have a vague plan of self harm, accessible means of committing suicide, has reported suicidal ideation, and is in a violent or abuse environment.

In order to be identified as “high risk” of committing suicide, an individual would report, describe or detail a specific plan of suicide, possess the mean of committing a suicidal act, have attempted suicide I the past, is substance dependent, and is in a physically violent environment.

Following the above referenced suicide risk assessment, an individual identified as “moderate” risk would complete a suicide contract, identify and develop a support group of friends or family members, and receive treatment for depression with a referral to a physician to determine the need for anti-depressants.

With a high risk client safety is the top priority. The procedures involved with a high risk client include (1) complete a suicide contract, (2) contact individual, identified by client, who will act as client/counselor liaison, (3) encourage client to report to a local in-patient treatment facility.

Reasons for Cheating

Six Reasons & One Cause for Cheating

Isn't it odd how we could love someone like this?

Published on July 31, 2011 by Donna Flagg

Who cheats, and why? When I saw the question, I couldn't resist. It's something my brain does automatically when prompted for an answer. It acts like a distillery needing to consolidate, streamline, and then create understanding in the fewest words possible. It's as if there is a pair of hands in my head squeezing out excess words the way wringing a wet towel rids it of extra water.
What can I say, it's how I'm wired. Sometimes, it's even how I put myself to sleep at night. I'll take a conundrum, whittle it down and try to explain the mysteries of the world and people's behavior in one word.

Infidelity: Who Cheats, and Why?

Extramarital attractions are a fact of life. How you handle your impulses is another matter entirely.

       Who does cheat anyway and why? It's really not all that complicated, not if we don't make it so. They are simply people who:

1. Long for the attention that goes with being wanted and desired and rely on it to feel better about themselves.
2. Don't care about their effect on the person to whom they've promised fidelity, or at least not enough to control their impulses, desires and/or libido. 
3. Put themselves and their own needs first.
4. Are bored and look for excitement in passion and/or romance.
5. Have little or no sex in their relationships and justify needing to go elsewhere to get it.
6. Are inherently insecure and use sex with another person to feed their egos and/or prove something that they are desperate to believe about themselves.

In the end, as clichéd as it may be, they are people looking for love in all the wrong places - meaning outside themselves.They are afraid to be truthful with their partners about who they really are and how they really feel, and as a result, tend to leave nothing but muck and yuck in their wakes.

Dual Career Families

A dual-career family has been defined as a couple whose work meets three basic criteria: (a) employment that is important to the individuals, (b) employment that has a developmental sequence over time, and (c) employment that has a high degree of commitment by each individual (Hiller and Dyehouse as cited in Spiker-Miller and Kees (1995).

            Fewer families follow the traditional model of wife as primary caregiver and husband as primary breadwinner. As families make plans for the future of their family and careers, gender roles tend to break down when couples experience dual-career dynamics.

            Five concerns faced by dual-career families are: (a) interpersonal tension caused by expectations, (b) role conflict, (c) childcare issues, (d) relationship conflicts, and (e) personal factors.

            Nearly all families face conflict between work and family roles (Tatman et al, 2006).  Although a study by Gilbert, as cited in Zunker (2006) reports that dual-career families are committed to supporting each other in a role-sharing environment, personal experience suggests that Goldenberg and Goldenberg (2002) are closer to reality when describing the balance between work and family. Interpersonal tension arises when couples have difficulty fulfilling undefined family roles. The division of household work coupled with the responsibility of career can create tension in the home environment.

As the family system moves away from traditional roles, men and women may experience role-conflict in a dual-career family. Again, the division and fair balance of household tasks can lead to miscommunication, resentment and role-overload. As a result, the family unit suffers from such a negatively charged environment.

With both parents working, childcare issues become a “critical issue” (Zunker, 2006, p. 331).  Finding appropriate childcare that complements working parents’ work hours, budget, and expectations is difficult and stressful. Additionally, parents may have concern about their children spending long hours away from the home environment in a daycare center. From personal experience, the first two weeks are the most heart wrenching; dropping off a crying child in an unfamiliar environment creates feelings of guilt and regret.

Two individuals, focused on career achievement, and committed to marital bliss, may find themselves in out-of-balance when it comes to the decision-making process (Zunker, 2006). In order to foster and nurture a healthy, balanced dual-career family, partners should strive towards equity in the decision making process.

Lastly, individual career development stages can greatly affect one partner’s viewpoint on another partner’s career goals. One partner may have experienced vocational success and reached the point where career has become secondary to family activities. In this situation, the partner who is still striving for career success may feel unsupported, guilty for a sense of achievement, or even held-back.

Brain Synchrony through Heart Coherence

If you've visited my office you've probably heard me mention the word "coherence" and the importance of maintaining this state. Positive thought - coherence; Blissful feelings - coherence. Coherence - Ability to tackle life's challenges; Brain synchrony; Balance.

There is scientific research to explain how and why the heart affects mental clarity, emotional balance and creativity. The heart is a complex processing center that communicates with and influences the brain via the nervous system, hormonal system and other pathways. These influences affect brain function, most of the body's major organs, and ultimately determine the quality of life.

The heart’s rhythmic pattern is one important indicator of emotional states. Heart rate variability (HRV), measures fluctuations in the heart rate. The normal variability of the heart is reportedly caused by the actions of the two branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic and parasympathetic branches work together to maintain coherence in the body. Generally, the sympathetic branch has a more stress inducing fight or flight type action, and the parasympathetic branch has a more rest and relax type action.

Coherence can be explained as a sticking together, or connectedness. A person’s speech is said to be coherent if all the parts fit well together and is said to be incoherent if the person is presenting ideas that don't make sense.

Another aspect of coherence relates to rhythmic patterns of heart activity; Research reveals that heart rhythms are reflected in changes in emotional states. Specifically, the pattern of the heart’s activity is a valid physiological indicator of emotional experience. When in coherence an individual will feel calm, emotionally balanced, and alert; this state is conducive to cognitive and task performance, including problem-solving, decision-making, and improved focus.

How do you get into coherence? Practice! Focus on positive thoughts and feelings; Practice deep breathing exercises. Make heart coherence a goal.

Asking for the Love You Want

You wouldn't expect to eat one good meal and not have to eat again for the rest of your life, but sometimes the need for love is thought about in this way.  Perhaps you have heard yourself or your partner say, "You, should know I love after all this time.  Why do I have to tell you?"

In the framework of Compassionate Communication, love is a need.  Like all other needs it wants to be met in specific and consistent ways to create a balanced and thriving life.

You can meet your need for love with many people in your life in a variety of ways.  With your partner, however, you likely hope to meet this need in a deeper and more consistent way.  Meeting this need with your partner, and they with you, helps to create the bond that provides a secure foundation for your relationship.

To do this it helps to get more subtle and clear about what most meets your need for love.  It also helps to remember that what meets your need for love isn't necessarily what meets your partner's need for love.  Gary Chapman in his book The 5Love Languages simply and clearly articulates how to tune in to ways your partner's need for love is met.  I highly recommend reading or listening to his book.

You can also start simply with your partner right now.  You might start the conversation by asking if you can try to state all the ways she or he feels most loved by you.  Ask your partner to fill in anything you missed and then switch.

In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, takes this one step farther by having each partner make a list of the specific ways he or she is loved; and then letting their partner choose from the heart two or three things she or he would like to offer in the coming week.

When you and your partner have been together for a long time, it is easy to fall asleep to the subtleties of how each of you are most loved.  You might find yourself drifting toward complacency or just assuming that your partner's need for love is met in the same ways as yours.

This week take time to have the conversation listed above with your partner.  Celebrate the different ways your need for love is met and challenge yourself to meet each other's need in a way you haven't been lately.

LaShelle Charde

Introducing emWave

I'm very excited to add the emWave to my practice!
emWave technology is an innovative approach to improving wellness and facilitating personal growth based on learning to change your heart rhythm pattern to create coherence; a scientifically measurable state characterized by increased order and harmony in our psychological and physiological processes. emWave technology collects pulse data through a pulse sensor and translates the information from your heart rhythms into graphics on your computer or into easy to follow lights on the portable emWave Personal Stress Reliever. Used just a few minutes a day, this simple-to-use technology helps you transform feelings of anger, anxiety or frustration into more peace, ease and clarity.

emWave2 Benefits

• Transform your response to stress and quickly rebalance your mind, body and emotions
• Increase your ability to think clearer, be more intuitive, and make better decisions, especially under pressure
• Improve health, increase resilience and well-being; maintain personal balance
• Decrease stress and burnout in chaotic and changing environments
• Maximize creativity and innovation
• Boost performance and overall intelligence

If you are interested in experiencing emWave call me to set up an appointment: 757-356-5489