Hearing without Defending

You arrive fifteen minutes late for an appointment with your partner.  She expresses her disappointment and need for predictability and asks you to call or text next time you are going to be late.

You bristle.  You see her face and how upset she is and start to defend yourself.  At the speed of light jackals flood your consciousness with ideas that she is judging you and making you wrong.  If you are the wrong one here, then she'll break up with you.  Or worse yet, it will mean you are a bad person, an incompetent failure.  You better prove yourself.

Under the influence of defensiveness you quickly minimize her feelings and needs and start to make a case for how you are good person.  It might sound like this, "I arrive late one time and you get all upset.  You should be glad I made it.  I always call when I am late, which is rare, and this one time you have to make an issue of it!"

Now your partner is reacting too and begins to recount all the times you were late and makes a case for how difficult it has been for her dealing with your issues about being on time.
The conversation escalates into more disconnect from here.  How can you keep from getting caught in this painful pattern of attack -defend?

Here are three keys to hearing your partner's feelings, needs and requests in a way that creates connection.

1.  Connect with Yourself First:    Every time you feel the impulse to defend, you can connect with yourself in one or more of the following ways:

• Repeat a reminder phrase to yourself.  Maybe something like, "I'm not a bad person because my partner is upset."  Or  "This is not about me."  Or  "It's okay for my partner to be upset."  Or  "I can hear her without taking the blame."  Or  "I am feeling defensiveness and want to remind myself that I know my intentions are good and I am a good person."

• Do something physical to interrupt your defensive pattern like lean back in your chair, take three deep breaths, or take a bathroom break.

• Put your awareness in your heart.  You can put your hand on your heart and just acknowledge the difficulty and the longing to be seen and accepted.  Breath through your heart of you feel your hand there.

2.  Stay Specific and Now:  Only talk about the current situation.  If you think you are already doing what she is asking, then ask if she can be more specific about her request. For example, "When I think that I already did what you requested, I feel confused and need more clarity.  Can you tell me exactly what it would look like if your need was met?"

3.  Offer Empathy:  Reflecting back to your partner her feelings and needs not only helps her to know she is heard, but also can help you move out of right/wrong thinking.  The important part here is to connect her feeling to her need, e.g., "I hear you feel disappointed because you need predictability.", rather than, "I hear you feel disappointed because I let you down."

So often I hear couples try to give empathy when they are really assigning blame, e.g., "You feel disappointed because I didn't call."  While this is a common way of expressing, it perpetuates a sense of being responsible for each other feelings.  When this happens you miss out on the opportunity to choose from the heart to meet each other's needs.

Practice
This week, notice when you have the impulse to defend by explaining, justifying, minimizing, or building a case.  Choose one or more of the practice steps listed above.  Interrupt your habit of defending and practice with one of the steps above.  You could even ask the other person for a re-do after you have defended and try out one of these practices.

Not taking it personally

When your partner expresses an unmet need and you criticize yourself about it, you take it personally (hear criticism) and feel hurt. When you accept that you are basically a good person with good intentions, doing the best you can, you are much less likely to take things personally.  Accepting yourself in this way requires practice and self-awareness.  Let's look at some of what this entails.


When you take things personally, you likely find yourself reacting. Either you tell yourself how wrong you are or you say how wrong the other person is.
Most people flip back and forth between the two, feeling alternately, depressed – angry, depressed – angry, . . .

When you have any reaction (by reaction I mean a sudden clenching of the body, heart, and mind - disconnect) to what someone is saying, the first thing to do is ask, "What am I telling myself? What am I making this mean?"  Reaction means a judgment show has begun in your mind. If you can get front row seats to this show, your chances of intervening are much higher.

Take the time to stop and watch your show rather than move on to the next distraction, or even worse, start speaking from your reaction.  Whether you are at work or at home, take a timeout. Bathrooms are great places for timeouts.

During this timeout you call on your calm and nurturing inner parent to dialogue with your judgment thoughts. Here's an example of a dialogue I had with a judgment thought of mine that was stimulated by a conversation in which I perceived criticism from someone's feedback.  In NVC we often use the term jackal to symbolize disconnected thinking, believing, and speaking.  The metaphor helps you to disidentify with your thoughts.

Jackal: You're worthless.
My inner parent: I'm guessing you're scared jackal.
Jackal: Yes. (already with this single line of empathy I could feel my body start to relax).
My inner parent: I'm guessing you think it will somehow be helpful if I believe what you say. How do you think it will be helpful?
Jackal: If you believe me, then you will shut down and get depressed and not take any risks and then we will be safe.
My inner parent: Yea, so you want to be safe from hurt.
Jackal: That's right.
My inner parent: Jackal, what we both know is that depression is actually more painful than any hurt I could experience in my relationships. Do you remember all the pain we've experienced in the past with depression? I want you to know I am committed to keeping us safe. I do this by paying attention to our inner experience through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and talking with others.
And I consistently take the time to do these things, like I am doing right now with you.

This dialogue effectively dissolved this jackal. This was the alpha jackal of a pack that showed up together. So I did several dialogues of this sort before completely relaxing around the situation.

Let's sum up the key elements in learning to respond to yourself with acceptance so that you are less apt to take things personally.

1. Notice when you're reacting.
   1. Know the signs and symptoms of reaction in your body, heart, mind, and behavior.   Anger, collapse, shut down, and turning toward addictions are the most common indicators
2. Choose to take a timeout from the interaction.
3. Get front row seats at your jackal show (Ask: "What am I telling myself?").
4. Access the your calm and nurturing inner parent to give empathy to each jackal and ground yourself in truth.
5. Engage the jackals in a dialogue one by one. This dialogue includes:
   1. Guess the feelings and needs of your jackals
   2. Ground your jackals in what you know is true, (e.g. depression won't make us safe from hurt).
   3. Let your jackals know the concrete strategies you are engaging in to meet the needs they are concerned about.

Practice
Take time now to reflect on the last time your partner tried to express an unmet need and you took it personally.  Go through each of the steps above separately for each of the jackals that came up for you regarding that interaction.

L Charde

Making Threats or Setting Boundaries

Making Threats or Setting Boundaries

In the midst of replaying a painful pattern between you and your partner, it can be difficult to tell the difference between making a threat and setting a boundary. I have frequently heard couples confuse the two. Let's look at what gets confused with an example from Gustav and Inez.
Last night Gustav got drunk and communicated in some ways that didn't meet Inez's needs for respect and caring. Inez could find no way to connect with Gustav in his drunken state. She decided the only thing she could do is take care of herself by leaving the house and spending the night elsewhere if it happens again. She expressed this decision to Gustav. Hearing this, Gustav accused her of threatening him.
Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him for three reasons. One, he recognizes that Inez has made a decision to behave a certain way based on his actions. This idea of behavior dependent response is part of what defines a threat, but by itself does not typically imply threat. For example, if Gustav began visiting his brother on Friday nights, Inez might say something like, "If you are going to visit your brother on Friday, I am going to go out with Susan." This has the same element of behavior dependent response, but would not likely be heard as a threat.
The second reason Gustav thinks Inez is threatening him is that he interprets Inez's plan as an intention to hurt and punish him, not just to take care of herself. The intention to hurt or punish another based on their behavior is what defines a threat.
The third reason, is that Inez's plan to leave the house and spend the night elsewhere means they will both lose out on any connection that might be possible under those circumstances. Gustav experiences this lost opportunity as a punishment.
So how can Gustav and Inez avoid this merry-go-round of misunderstanding and pain?
Rather than just expressing her plan of action, Inez would have more luck with revealing her feelings and needs first. It might sound like this:

Inez: "Gustav, last night when you were drunk and talking to me in the way you did, I was feeling scared and hurt. I needed safety and respect. So I am wanting to take care of myself better the next time you are as intoxicated as you were last night. I am thinking it might be best for me, if I just spend the night at my sister's if it happens again. What do you think would be best?"

In this way Inez can open a dialogue around how she not only can take care of herself but also how the two of them may come up with strategies to care for each other and the relationship.
However, in some cases, negotiations have been made again and again around a particular need-costing behavior and there has been no change. At this point, one partner may simply reach a tolerance limit. That is, if Inez and Gustav have worked out various ways to handle this situation but despite their efforts it has ended in pain for them both, Inez may set a boundary by making a unilateral decision to take care of herself by leaving the house, with the intention to save them both from pain. This kind of decision making can meet needs for structure and clarity in the relationship providing a clear message about what is not workable in the relationship.
Part of creating healthy relationships is recognizing the difference between what you are willing to work on in a relationship and what you are not. You get to choose what you give your energy to. When you communicate this clearly to others, they get to choose how to respond to you.

Practice
Where in your relationships are you "putting up with something" you would rather not give your energy to? Where in your relationships would you like to work on a change and haven't yet expressed your observations, feelings, needs, and requests? Take a moment now to answer each of these questions for yourself and identify your feelings and needs in the situations you named.

LaShelle Lowe-Charde

10 Wasted Years!

10 Wasted Years!

…or 5 wasted years….21 wasted years!

I’ve heard it before: you’re at the end of a relationship and suddenly all the years of intimacy, giggles, tears, and trials have become a huge WASTE.

Wait a minute! A waste? Really? Sounds to me like your years have been years LIVED…explored…endured…enjoyed…an experience that you shouldn’t negate because now your journey is at an end and you are facing transition.

Change can be intimidating – even scary – but that doesn’t diminish your life experiences! An end (and consequently a new beginning) is a time to reflect upon and thank and cherish the time spent with your partner.

You haven’t wasted anything – you’ve experienced LIFE…you’ve loved, shared, and grown. You’ve been on a journey…embrace it.

Don’t let your journey become blinded by the destination.

The destination is but a fleeting moment but the journey is your life.

You own your journey…You don’t own the destination.

~J. Charest

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

BY SHANNON KAISEROnly 4% of women around the world would describe themselves as beautiful, 72% of young women feel “tremendous pressure to be beautiful,” and over 54% of them agree that when it comes to how they look, they are their own worst beauty critics.*

Of course these numbers are alarming, but the emotional impact is even more traumatic. As women, we know that the conversations we have inside our head can be brutal.

This emotional abuse can lead to self-sabotage, addictions, depression, eating disorders and isolation. As a woman who has suffered from all of these, I often wonder what it's all for. Who is it we are really trying to impress?

Many people are taught from an early age to loathe and try to fix their bodies, and this issue isn't exclusive to females. But you don’t have to have a clinical eating disorder to have a warped body image.

Over the past year, I have looked closely at my habits to uncover how my self-sabotaging patterns have played into every aspect of my life.

This most obvious pattern was in my romantic relationships. I used to get involved with men who were emotionally damaging my self-esteem. What I see now is that I have consistently picked partners based on the level of love I thought I deserved. This meant that because I felt unworthy, unloved and less than pretty, my relationships could only reflect the same.

I realized my pattern of staying with people who were emotionally destructive was a mirror to the pain inside my own head. The first step I took to regain my health and happiness was to step away from the distractions. I immediately put myself on a dating detox, along with a health and relationship cleanse. What I really needed was some tender love and self-care.

I spent an entire year dedicated to removing the barriers that were keeping me from letting real love in. After this intense soul-searching experiment, I can see that self-love is not a true destination, but a journey. Like all aspects of life, it's about the process of working towards self-love as much as the final outcome. 

Today I love myself more than I ever have, though I still have moments where my confidence is low or my mood is dark. That's a normal part of life. This euphoric and consistent self-love experience might be a reality for some, but with over 97% of women on the planet claiming to dislike their looks and feeling unworthy, I'd guess we're all in this together.

What if our constant quest to feel beautiful is really just a yearning to feel connected, a deep desire to feel seen for who we really are?

The fact is, we all want to be part of something much bigger than ourselves, but in our quest to connect to others, we often trip over the cracks of life and find ourselves back in our self-sabotaging patterns. What I've come to realize is that women see themselves less accurately than the rest of the world. We're our own worst critics. What if we cleaned up our self-talk, and started to respect and appreciate our unique selves?

Here is a system I’ve started to use; I call it the Four F-bombs to Ultimate Self-Love. It has helped me, and maybe it can help others regain balance and self-confidence. 

1. FORGIVE yourself.

The energy spent on being angry, frustrated or enraged consumes us. In the end, it only hurts us and no one else. Most often the person we need to forgive is ourselves. If you're mad, forgive yourself and allow the healing to begin.

2. FACE your fear.

Many of our insecurities spring from deep-rooted fears. By getting in touch with our feelings, we can recognize those fear-based thoughts. Do your thoughts make you anxious, worried or cause you pain? Fear-based thoughts arise from a place of lack and not feeling “good enough.” By consciously raising our vibration and focusing on positive and healthful emotions, we can push through our fear.

3. FEEL your emotions.

I've found the recent tragedies hitting me harder than similar past events. As a former endurance athlete, I had an emotional connection that I never felt before, and my heart went out to those involved in the Boston Marathon bombings.

Without even realizing it, I was diving into a pint of ice cream, trying to numb myself and avoid the very real pain I was feeling. It took a moment, but I recognized that what I was looking for was not at the bottom of Cherry Garcia. We all have habits and vices that we turn to in trying times, but practicing those bad habits on a regular basis only contributes to our lack of self-esteem. What I was really hungry for was security. I felt unsafe. 

Learning to recognize why we do what we do and becoming more aware of our habits can free us from the burden of feeling unworthy. Let your feelings work through you.

4. FOCUS on your superstar self.

We tend to focus on what's not working; the traits, characteristics and physical features that we don't like about ourselves. Instead of focusing your attention on what you dislike, turn your focus to what you are thankful for. Create a list of your awesome, superstar qualities, and post the list by your desk or on your bathroom mirror. Repeat it out loud to yourself each time you see it.

What do you think about this topic? Do people see themselves less accurately than strangers do? Leave your comments below.

If you want to cultivate more self-love, join Shannon Kaiser for the free online seminar "Unleash Your Inner Super Star" May 7. Sign up for free here. 

This article inspired by Dove's social experiment. See full video here.

* Independent Dove Research

6 ways to reconnect with your most powerful self

BY AMANDA CHRISTIANBetween all the tasks, people and activities competing for our attention every day, it’s so easy to get lost in the routine and lose touch of our most powerful, loving selves. Before we know it, we’re acting out of habit or are glued to the computer. The following are some ways I get real, and come back to myself:

1. Spend time alone.

Spend time alone with no social media or cell phone. Gasp! Most of us are connected all the time, and it's very easy to get out of touch with how we feel. It’s so important to spend time with yourself every day in order to recharge your self-love battery and come back to the awareness of the loveliness all around you in this moment. 

2. Feel your feelings.

There is nothing “spiritual,” positive or holy about hiding your feelings and pretending you are happy when you’re not. This doesn't mean that you need to act on all your feelings; instead, be honest with yourself about what you're feeling so that it can move through you and be released. You become more real by becoming more honest. 

3. Journal.

Becoming more honest with yourself might bring up some feelings about your past that need to be released. Write them down. My journal is a mess of misspelled words, run-on sentences, unfinished poems, weird doodles and the occasional “ah-ha” moment circled with stars and exclamation points. There are no rules. Just let the feelings and ideas out!  

4. Spend time in nature.

Mother nature is my best friend. No joke. Whenever I'm feeling a little funky, usually from too much computer time, I throw on my sneakers and head out to the woods for a little forest therapy. Deeply breathe in the fresh air, hug a tree, smile and remember all the love you have in your life right now. 

5. Release the need for external validation.

Most of us are motivated to do and say things based on the way we think others are going to respond. This isn't good or bad, but it’s meaningless. You can’t control or predict how other people feel or react. Go with your gut. Set the intention for peace. When you act from a place of authenticity, likability will follow. I promise.

6. Claim your power.

Don’t be afraid of outshining others. As Marianne Williamson said, “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” Don’t be afraid to go after your passions and let yourself shine.

Now that you’ve just spent time reading how to be more true to yourself, how can you apply these ideas? It’s in the application of the ideas that you will experience the change. Today I challenge you to do at least one of the things above.

Want an idea? How about ditching the cell phone and venturing out for a walk by yourself? Bring your journal to write out your feelings, sit under a tree and bliss out. That’s the makings of one delightful authentic connection with my most powerful loving self if you ask me! Soak it in.  

Why we stay in relationships way too long

BY DR. DANIELLE DOWLING
A

You know how it goes – how it feels. You know the thoughts that trip through your head. 

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. 

Maybe this is just the reality of long term relationships and I need to be more realistic. 

Maybe if I (or both of us) try harder, it will feel right.

So you stick it out. You take it a day at a time.  And it doesn’t get better.

Why do we let relationships linger past their expiration date?

A bit of insight.

1. We forgot we have a choice.  

You’ve become a duo. You say “we” instead of “I.”  It’s easy to forget that relationships aren’t written in stone. Relationships should make you feel expansive.

Remember that you chose this relationship. You have the option to choose again.

2. We stay for “their” sake. 

You don’t want to hurt them. They’re going through a tough time at work and you don’t want to add to the load. One of the most common reasons for delaying a breakup is to prevent our partner from feeling shitty. We may feel that the decision to spare our partner’s feelings is the kind-hearted and evolved choice, but it can actually be more damaging in the long-run.

Your partner has the right to a relationship with someone who adores them. By dragging your heels and squandering your and your partner’s time, you’re doing a disservice to both of you.

3. People expect us to stay together . 

You two are at the top of  every barbecue, holiday and birthday party list.  You and your honey are THE couple.  You two are A Good Time. Maybe you’ve even got a big ole’ diamond on your finger and families and friends expect a wedding. Regardless, staying together because people expect you to is a prescription for a life time of unhappiness.

4. We’re so invested. 

You can’t stop now, after all that you’ve invested! You bought furniture together, for the love of God! We’ve all been there and we all know this is totally irrational. The fact that you’ve spent a lot of time together doesn’t mean that you have to spend your future together.

5. We’re afraid of the breakup. 

Maybe they’ll yell. Maybe they’ll cry. Maybe you’ll have to change your Facebook relationship status and then everyone will make comments and send you a million emails and texts. And you’ll have to separate all your books and DVDs. And yes, it will be kind of awful.

But wouldn’t it be significantly more awful to spend years and years with someone who doesn’t light your fire?

5b. Honestly, it all dials back to number 5.  

When broken down into it’s most raw, unfiltered essence: we’re afraid. Fearful of being alone. Because we think “alone” will leave us vulnerable and potentially deemed unlovable. This is not true, of course. But when comfort, as we know it, is threatened, our survival nature can quickly overtake intelligence and irrational behavior reins supreme. And in this case we stall a long overdue separation.

Breaking up can be a crushing experience.  

But staying together for the wrong reasons will nonetheless dismantle you.

Just more slowly.

If you’re in a relationship that’s run its course, take a deep breath and give both of you the freedom you deserve.