The 3 Biggest Downfalls of Romantic Relationships

The 3 Biggest Downfalls Of Romantic Relationships & How To Avoid Them

We have some crazy ideas about romantic love in our culture. Wanting to feel seen, heard and understood by at least one person in this world is a natural and beautiful longing. Connection is really where it's at, and of course that doesn't have to happen in the context of romantic partnership. Nonetheless, that seems to be the quest of many, and also the place where people tend to tap into their most raw and vulnerable places.

And for those who believe the story ends and the happily-ever-after begins once that special someone is found, reality can be a rude awakening. The beginning of the story is almost always beautiful, heady and exciting, just like it looks in the movies. But when the hormones die down and the dust clears, it's really easy to get derailed and crash into a brick wall, wondering what happened to your fairy tale. The fairy tale takes nurturing and effort.

Here are some ideas to keep your romance alive and your connection deep, whether your relationship is new, or you've been with your partner for years:

1. You can't save people, but you can love them.

Nowhere is a person's "stuff" more likely to show up than in an intimate relationship. Closeness requires vulnerability, and for some people, tearing down those walls can be very scary. Protecting your heart may be something you've needed to do, but if you want someone to really know you, you're going to have to stand there, naked. With all your beauty and all your pain.

Because if you edit stuff out, or push things down, you'll understand in your heart your partner doesn't really know you. If you want to be seen, you have to be willing to show yourself. And in order to create something healthy with someone else, you really need to know yourself, too.

Otherwise how can you articulate what's true for you? What lights you up, or scares you, what you need or want in your heart of hearts? And how can you be accountable when your stuff comes up, which it will?

The ability to recognize what is yours is vital so you can apologize when you need to, so you can explain yourself clearly, so you can work on those areas that may be holding you back, that's one of the huge gifts of relationship. That's the path to true intimacy.

You can't save anyone, but you can create a safe space together to work on becoming your best selves if you're willing to make the space between you sacred and full of love, patience and forgiveness.

2. Everyone is changing all the time, so there's never a reason to get bored.

Did you know one in three traffic accidents happen a mile from a person's house? You could argue that this is because people drive around their own neighborhoods more than anywhere else, but many studies that suggest a person feels a false sense of security in their own 'hood.

Many people do this in relationships. I know this person, I've been with them for years, so I don't really need to sit up and take notice.

Here's the thing: Your partner is changing all the time, just as you are. You are not the same you you were five years ago, one year ago, or even last week, and neither is your partner.

Do you remember how you felt when you met your love? I'm sure you thought they were amazing. Special, kind. You probably noticed things like their hands or their smile or the way they looked at you. It's so easy to stop noticing.

I have a blog and I also stream yoga videos online, and as a result, I get countless emails from people who write in complaining about their partners. If only they'd change, everything would be wonderful.

Really? Because it's easy to focus on someone's faults, just like it's easy to focus on our own.

You can't change your partner, but you can change what you're doing. Are you taking them for granted? Could you do something thoughtful and unexpected today, just because? That's a tangible way you can shift the energy between you, and you might inspire your partner to surprise you in unexpected ways.

3. Listen with your heart.

Infatuation is easy, intimacy is hard. In the middle of a disagreement, so many people wait for their turn to speak, instead of really listening to their partner. Years of history can bubble to the surface in an instant.

The need to be right can be deafening and blinding, and sometimes people dig their heels in so deeply there's no hope for honest communication. As if it's a fight, and their partner is their opponent, and the object is to win.

But a relationship is not a game, and there are no winners when you and the person you love are in pain. You protect your ego, or you protect the relationship. If you want to truly love, that requires your vulnerability, and it takes guts to be naked like that.

So many people confuse love with control and manipulation. But love is about acceptance and a celebration. That doesn't mean there won't be things to work on, because of course there will. It just means that you see people as they are, and you accept them and celebrate them, while also loving yourself.

If you keep nurturing a real connection, doing those things simultaneously, that is, loving your partner and also making sure you're honoring yourself will be natural.

There's so much beauty in true partnership, but it takes effort. For whatever reason, that part doesn't get covered in the fairy tales or the romantic comedies.

Ally Hamilton

10 Common Things That Trigger Chronic Stress

You know that when you’re getting chased by a tiger, you’re almost in a car accident, your “to do” list is overflowing, and you’re burning the candle at both ends, your body’s “fight-or-flight”  stress responses are going to get triggered. But you might not know what else will trigger stress responses in your body, and it’s important that you do!

As I explain in Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself, the body has natural self-repair mechanisms that can fight cancer, prevent infection, repair broken proteins, protect your coronary arteries, and retard aging. But whenever the nervous system is in “fight-or-flight,” the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are disabled!

The amygdala in your primordial limbic brain is your danger alert signal, and it hasn’t evolved to keep up with modern society, so your amygdala can’t tell the different between dangers that threaten life and limb and perceived dangers that are merely thoughts, feelings, or beliefs in your mind. As a result, your amygdala may be sabotaging your health, and you may not even know it!

So how can you avoid chronic repetitive stress responses? Here are 10 surprising “fight-or-fight”  triggers to avoid:

1. Feelings of loneliness

As a species, we are tribal people, so from a survival perspective, being alone too much can signal the amygdala to trigger stress responses. Makes sense, right? If we’re dependent on the tribe to keep us safe, forebrain feelings of loneliness can activate the amygdala’s danger signal. Scientific evidence suggests that people who are part of a supportive community have half the rate of heart disease when compared to lonely people, and this may explain why.

2. Hunger

If you feel hungry, the message you’re sending your danger-seeking amygdala is “Houston, we have a problem! There’s not enough food!” Of course, your fridge is full of food and maybe you’re 50 pounds overweight, hungry because you’re trying to diet. But your amygdala is not smart. It can’t tell the difference. So boom: you’re in stress response, and your self-repair mechanisms are flipped off.

3. Selling your soul for a paycheck

You know that your job can be stressful. But it’s not so much being busy or working hard that will trigger your “fight-or-flight.”  Sure, even a job you love can stress you out. But you’re much more likely to wind up in chronic repetitive stress response when your integrity is on the line.

4. A pessimistic world view

If you’re a glass-half-empty kind of person, your forebrain is communicating all kinds of scary messages to your amygdala on a regular basis, thoughts like There’s not enough money, or Nothing ever goes my way, or Nobody really loves me, or other Eeyore sorts of thoughts that stimulate stress responses in the body. In fact, optimists have a 77% lower risk of heart disease than pessimists, and this is probably why. 

5. Toxic relationships

While loving relationships and a supportive community are calming to the amygdala and healthy for the body, you’re better off being alone than being in the company of people who stress out your nervous system. When you feel threatened in a relationship- not just physically, but emotionally- your nervous system interprets that as danger.

6. Being a worry wart

Anxious thoughts make the amygdala go ballistic. If you’re filling your brain with worries about the kids, the state of affairs in politics, whether or not your lover is going to break your heart, or how quickly the glaciers are going to melt, you’re certain to trigger stress responses.

7. Childhood traumas

You know those old childhood issues that stick around if we don’t heal them? You may not even realize that subconscious thoughts arising from old traumas may be triggering your amygdala when you don’t even realize it. Triggers such as places, scents, songs, or other sounds that remind you of the trauma may trigger “fight-or-flight,” even if you’re completely unaware that it’s happening.

8. Unforgiven resentments

When you harbor resentments—against your ex, your mother, your boss, whomever—you fuel your amygdala. Resentful thoughts are interpreted by the amygdala just like thoughts of food scarcity or a tiger on the loose.

9. Anger

It’s not just rage that will flip you into “fight-or-flight.”  Even thoughts like Someone just spilled red wine on my white carpet can trigger your limbic system.

10. Feelings of helplessness

The amygdala likes to feel in control—after all, it’s the amygdala’s job to protect you from danger! So feelings of helplessness can land you in “fight-or-flight.”

If reading this list sends you into “fight-or-flight”  just because you’re feeling all 10 of these things right now, don’t despair. This is where you get to be proactive! Awareness is key. Once you start to cultivate awareness of what triggers your own stress responses, you can be mindful about how you tend the garden of your mind so you can keep your amygdala calm and keep your self-repair mechanisms doing what they do best- keeping you healthy!  

Lissa Rankin

Overcoming Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse may not leave scars, but it can cause pain for much longer than physical harm. Many women especially believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse or partner, they are safe. However, it is not necessarily the case. The scars are mental and can cause a lot of grief and unhappiness. Although more women appear to suffer from emotional abuse, this does not mean that men do not experience mental torture either.

Emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self esteem and literally, has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self worth shrinks so much that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said about you. You believe in the stories that are being told. Unfortunately, most of them are not true to begin with. Your partner spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his or her own selfish motives. It is possible that he or she has an inferiority complex to begin with.

Perhaps, there comes a time when you decide that enough is enough. You refuse to be held hostage by your mental torture. And you want to move on. Fortunately, it is possible to overcome emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner.

• Dissociate from the past
  There is no point lamenting about what has happened in the past. It is over. Do not deny it either. Just accept that it has happened and that you are now on the road to emotional health. You may not have exercised control over your past but you can take charge over your own future from now on. Look at the past as lessons that point out what you no longer want for yourself.
  
  Admittedly, it will take time to heal from the emotional trauma caused by an abuser, but gradually, you will discover an inner strength and resilience to build a bright future. A change in environment may be helpful for you to de-associate from your past.


• Build self-esteem
  Abusers are constantly hacking away at your self-esteem. When you come out of an abusive relationship it is essential that you rebuild your sense of self-worth. You need to recognize that you can be strong and capable of independent thought.
  
  Surrounding yourself with people who value you is an important part of the healing process. Form your own support group or join an online community that helps support its members to gain strength. It is vital that you remember what makes you a unique and valuable person.


• You hold the power
  Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel that you are being controlled and watched over every single movement that you make. You fear making decisions. In fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your partner. You lose confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking.
  
  The important thing is to understand that you are the only person who has power over yourself. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional abuse is that you have handed your power over to your partner. In reality, no one can make you do anything if you do not let them. Realize that only you hold the power. Look for ways to empower yourself.


• You know what is right for you
  You are the only person who knows what is best for you. An emotional abuser will want you to make decisions that are self serving for his or her interest. However, such a decision may not be in line with yours. As much as you care for a harmonious relationship, you need to take an alternate decision if your inner knowing tells you otherwise.
  
  Hence, it is your job to take care of your own needs. It is not about being selfish, but about establishing certain boundaries. No one leads your life for you. Do what feels right. Trust your intuition.


• You can only control yourself
  One reason that many women stay in abusive relationships is because they think they can help their partner change. A period in time will lapse and they would find that they remain stuck and with no signs of improvement in their partner.
  
  The truth is that you cannot make anyone change, you can only control the way you react to them. Instead, focus on improving your own life. In doing this you will discover your own self worth. You can then decide whether or not your partner is compatible with your new lifestyle.


• Spend Time Setting boundaries and expectations
  People often expect a speedy recovery after being in an abusive relationship. If they do not allow themselves enough time to heal they will often fall into another abusive relationship. It is clear to see that they have not learnt their lessons. They continue to attract the same kind of relationships that have them feeling needy.
  
  Hence, it is important that you spend time setting boundaries and expectations for treatment in future relationships, before diving into a new one. Commit to a decision that you do not want to enter into any unhealthy liaisons any more. If you are clear in what you want, you are more likely to attract a loving and kind partner, unlike the one that you have been used to.


• Do what makes you feel good
  Initially, you will feel free from coming out of an abusive relationship. However, you may start to experience insecurity because you do not know how to occupy your time. For this reason, it is important that you do not hang around by your phone, hoping that your partner will call and beg for forgiveness.
  
  Instead, find things to do that makes you feel happy. Take a class or pick up a hobby. Try to recall what it is that you have always wanted to explore. With no one telling you what to do or holding you back, the possibilities are endless.

In conclusion, it is important to have a vision of who you would like to become once you have regained control of your life. If it helps, look for role models. No longer will you be controlled without your permission. Most definitely, do what it takes to gain a sense of self empowerment.

Do not be afraid to ask for assistance from others either. You need time to heal and getting some form of support is always a good idea. You have the choice to make things right. Your future is bright; do not let anyone take that away from you!

-Evelyn Lim

Conversation Starters

Want to spend some quality time together, but never sure what to talk about?
Here are some great conversation starters based on ideas from  Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages.

1. What is one of your favorite stories that your parents tell about you?

2. Describe  one of your favorite memories that includes snow.

3. What was something you really wanted but weren't allowed to own as a child/teen?

4. If someone told you that you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do with those 9 minutes?

5. If could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?

6.  Describe the happiest day of your life.

7. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heartbreak or have never loved before?

8. What is the first thing you notice about people?

9.  Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

10. What is your definition of success?

11. If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

12. What is your favorite kind of candy?

13. What would you say is the worst item sold in a store?

14. If you were a serial killer, how would you choose your victims?

15, Which of Snow White's 7 dwarfs describes you best and why? (Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey)

16. What is your number one turn-off in a guy/girl?

17.  What strange pet peeve or fear do you have that no one else has?

18.  What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween?

19. If you could have personally witnessed one even in history, what would you want to have seen?

20.  If you could have any view from your bedroom window, what would it be?

Happy Chatting!
L

Reactive?

Defining Reactivity

Being able to name clearly some key aspects of reactivity as it arises can prevent escalation and keep you grounded.  Reactivity as I am using it in the context of Compassionate Communication refers to any form of disconnect from your own or another's life energy.  The internal experience of reactivity is marked by the following:

• Unconscious contraction or collapse of your body and energy
• An inability to consciously consider and evaluate multiple views of a given situation.
• A loss of awareness and honor of your own needs and/or the needs of others.
• A lack of willingness to seek or accept feedback from others.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but rather some of the basic categories.  What else do you notice in your experience of reactivity?

On the outside, reactive behaviors can be categorized into four types: defend, attack, submit, and withdraw.

• Defend:  in defending you offer all the good reasons you have for doing what you did and try to show that you are not wrong or bad.
• Attack: when attacking you make a case for how the other person is wrong or bad in some way.
• Submit:  when you submit, you believe and take on others' negative judgments of you and apologetically take the blame regardless of your true responsibility.
• Withdraw.  In withdrawing you find yourself moving away or shutting down, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally.

In which of the four reactions, defend, attack, submit, or withdraw, do you most often find yourself?  With what body language, behavior, thoughts, and words, do you express that reaction?  Once you notice you are in reaction what is your de-escalating strategy?

Practice
At least one time this week notice when you find yourself in one of these reactions. See if you can watch the reaction without acting from it. Then start guessing the thoughts, feelings and needs that are alive for you underneath the reaction (self-empathy). After connecting with your feelings and needs decide what action/request you want to make of yourself or someone else to meet your needs.

LaShelle Charde

20 Things you shouldn't tolerate

By Jason Wachob

Have you ever felt that you've been settling for less -- that you  deserve better? You'll want to check out this list of 20 things you shouldn't tolerate from Marc and Angel Hack Life:

1. People who bring you down.

2. A work environment or career field you hate. 

3. Your own negativity

4. Unnecessary miscommunication.

5. A disorganized living and working space. 

6. Your own tardiness. 

7. Pressure to fit in with the crowd. 

8. An unhealthy body. 

9. Fear of change.

10. All work and no play. 

11. People or beauty ads that make you feel inadequate.

12. Not getting enough sleep. 

13. Doing the same exact thing over and over again. 

14. Personal greed. 

15. A mounting pile of debt.

16. Dishonesty.

17. Infidelity.

18. An unsafe home.

19. Being unprepared. 

20. Inaction.

What You Seek is Seeking You!

BY EMILY FLETCHER

Do you know the difference between a goal and a desire? 

A desire is something that feels bubbly and exciting when you think about it. As in, Oh, having that would kick so much a#%!!! 

A goal is the "I have to" version of desire. A goal is, I have to lose 10 pounds this year. 

A desire to feel sexy can quickly turn into a goal of losing ten pounds. As much as we can, we want to keep ourselves in that sweet space of desire because when we start to feel the vibrational quality of our desire, we start to call it into our lives. Rumi says it best:  

"What you seek is seeking you."

I love this so much! First of all, it’s true. And also: it’s more fun to believe that what you seek is seeking you. Your desires are divinely inspired.  You wouldn’t have had the desire in the first place if nature didn’t put it there.  But how do we loosen the death grip on our goals?

Meditation can help. Once we start getting to the chair (aka meditating every day), we stop being under the illusion that happiness lies on the other side of any one desire coming to fruition. We start to access bliss on a visceral level every day (preferably twice a day). Then our desires become Nature’s way of using us as a fulfillment delivery vehicle. 

Once you start meditating, you develop an all-access pass to bliss and fulfillment in the only place that it actually resides (inside you), then you're able to use your desires as Nature’s GPS, telling you how and where to deliver your goods.  

So, how do we apply this? 

The first step is to ask yourself: What do I WANT to do? 

Then, instead of turning it into a goal (thinking I HAVE to do this), which will cause the fun, bubbly feeling to dissipate, we want to keep ourselves in the realm of desire by consciously reminding ourselves that what we seek is also seeking us.

PS: This doesn’t mean sit around and wait for your dreams to land on your doorstep. You have to take inspired action. This is simply an important reminder that your happiness does not lie on the other side of a job, a boyfriend, or a proposal. Your happiness exists RIGHT NOW, inside of you. 

The paradoxical thing that starts to happen is the more you practice this, the easier it is for your desires to find you. Probably because taking the pressure off each individual event or thing allows you to stop panicking long enough to see your desires and opportunities when they arrive.  

So, what do you think is seeking you?