Look within

When the night turns grey

and the moon begins her glow

howl at her beauty and

beckon the dawn of the new day

for it is within this rebirth that

you will discover all there

ever really is

lies within you

Life is too short....

Life is too short to deal with Asshats.

Asshats. 

I’m pretty sure you know one. I’m even pretty sure you’ve been one.

A-hole.

Ever met one who is described as selfish and is chronically inconsiderate?  How did you handle the A-hole? Just in case you’ve misplaced your Tips for Dealing with Asshats notepad I’ll offer some tidbits below:

1. Selfishness: Being selfish isn’t always a negative. After all, you do need to focus on your goals and take care of yourself. But there are those who are consistently inconsiderate of other people’s feelings and those who lack compassion. These are the Narcissistic A-holes. Their mantra is “me, me, me, me” and they aren’t switching tunes any time soon. You can try calling them on their behavior in hopes it will dull the egocentric selfish shine, but chances are you will end up with a matte finish of self-seeking narcissism.

2. Bulldozing: Asshats can be known for their bullying of others when they don’t get their own way. This type of A-hole is quick to criticize and shrugs off cooperative communication. There is nothing you can do to change them, but you will feel better if you stand up to them and disregard their intimidating comments.

3. Slothism: This lazy Asshat is a do nothing and will do nothing. Unmotivated, uncommitted, unwilling and unmoved. They don’t care and probably never will unless they are shown some tough love. This languid A-hole is late to work, contributes nothing and relies on others to pick up the slack. To deal with this type of Asshat document everything, call them on it and report them (at work).

Asshats present as both genders, races and socioeconomic classes. They are everywhere. They make the lives of those around them intolerable.

If you can’t manage them – leave them.

Life is far too short.

L 

You are dying

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

You are going to die.

We all are; though most of us spend our lives pretending that we will live forever.

Stop kicking happiness down the road.

Stop putting off that dream vacation.

Stop letting fear hold you back.

Just stop.

Regret is a much bigger monster to face than fear.

Tell someone you love him. Isn’t it a beautiful thing to be loved?

Eat the last bite of cake. Walk an extra 20 minutes to burn the calories if you must.

Train for an event you never think you’ll finish.

I have friends waiting to live.

I have clients with end-of-life timelines who realize that life is too short.

Embrace your now with intensity and purpose.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. ~Larry McMurtry, Some Can Whistle

L

I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.

L

The girl who doesn't need anyone

What to Expect When You Fall for the Girl Who's Used to Never Needing Anyone

By Anna Bashedly

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.


This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.


She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave.


I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

Smartphones are the death of communication

The way we communicate has changed significantly over the past few decades. As someone born in the 70s, I grew up with the options of face-to-face, telephone (attached to the wall) or the written word.  Period.

Now, many kids never learn cursive writing and most homes don’t have a landline telephone at all.  A lot of communication, even face-to-face, is virtual.

As a therapist who practices relationship counseling, I find that the explosion of communication devices may have its advantages, but the misuse, or overuse, of those devices can be very destructive for couples.

Unfortunately, with the popularity of online dating sites, many couples ‘meet’ each other through text messages on their Smartphones, and texting becomes their default means of communication.

Here are a few ways in which our phones are often used inappropriately in relationships:

Engaging in high conflict discourse via text 

Texting is not an appropriate means of communication when dealing with sensitive issues.  It lacks context and is vulnerable to misinterpretation. You can’t hear someone’s tone, see their facial expression, their lilt or emphasis on certain words. And then there are the frequent errors thanks to overzealous auto-correct programs that can lead to either hilarity or crisis. Texting should be used for simple messages such as, “I will be 5 minutes late” or “Could you please pick up some milk?” If there is something important you need to resolve, wait until, ideally, you can discuss it in person.  If you worry you will get too emotional to talk, write down what you want to say and read it, or if you have to, give it to your partner to read.

Engaging with others via smartphone while with your partner

All too often, one member of a couple complains that the other is always on his/her phone, even when they are spending time together.  This partner feels devalued, ignored and rejected.  The accused often suffers from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), or work-related pressure to be connected and responsive at all times.  When you’re spending time together, your partner has to be your priority.  If you can’t turn off your phone and spend time alone with your partner, you have to ask yourself why? Work responsibilities can often seem overwhelming, but no one, short of the President of the United States, should have to be accessible 24/7. It also isn’t healthy for anyone to deprive themselves of physical and mental breaks from their work. Having to be on one’s phone constantly during waking hours suggests to me that one’s life is dangerously out of balance.

Spending more time playing games on your phone

 
Doing this during leisure time than spending time with your partner?  It is shocking how much time many people spend playing video games or engaging in betting and sports pools at the expense of their partner.  It is only natural that someone in a high-stress job involving a lot of interaction wants to disengage at night to unwind, but this doesn’t have to be done alone in front of a screen.  Creating intimacy with your partner doesn’t have to involve deep conversation.  Snuggle up in front of a movie, listen to music and/or read together, or do yoga or meditation.

We are all social beings that need connection.  While the explosion of communication technologies can help connect you to others who are far away, they can also easily disconnect you from the person you are closest to.  Prioritize your partner and your relationship. Set limits on how, and how much you use your Smartphone.

Erica Berman

Destructive communication

By George Shoenewolf

Couples communicate in different ways.  However, often they communicate in ways that are destructive to their relationship rather than constructive. Below are four of the most common ways that couples communicate in destructive ways.

1. Trying to win

Perhaps the most usual type of bad communication is when couples are trying to win. The goal in this form of communication is not to resolve conflicts in a mutually respectful and accepting discussion of the issues.  Instead one member of the couple (or both members) regard the discussion as a battle and therefore engage in tactics that are designed to win the battle.  

Strategies used to win the battle include:

• Guilt-tripping (“Oh, my God, I don’t know how I put up with this!”)
• Intimidation (“Will you just shut up and listen to me for once?)
• Constant complaining in order to wear the other person down (“How many times have I told you to empty the garbage?  

Part of trying to win is about devaluing your spouse. You see your spouse as stubborn, hateful, selfish, egotistical, stupid or childish. Your goal in communication is to make your spouse see the light and submit to your superior knowledge and understanding. But in fact you never really win by using this kind of communication; you may make your spouse submit to a certain extent, but there will be a high price for that submission. There will be no real love in your relationship.  It will be a loveless, dominant-submissive relationship.

2. Trying to be right  

Another common kind of destructive communication comes out of the human tendency to want to be right. To some extent or another, we all want to be right.  Hence, couples will often have the same argument over and over and nothing will ever be resolved.  “You’re wrong!” one member will say.  “You just don’t get it!”  The other member will say, “No, you’re wrong.  I’m the one who does everything and all you do is talk about how wrong I am.”  The first member will retort, “I talk about how wrong you are because you are wrong.  And you just don’t see it!”

Couples who need to be right never get to the stage of being able to resolve conflicts because they can’t give up their need to be right.  In order to give up that need, one has to be willing and able to look at oneself objectively.  Few can do that.  

Confucius said, “I have traveled far and wide and have yet to meet a man who could bring the judgment to himself.”  The first step toward ending the right-wrong stalemate is to be willing to admit you may be wrong about something.  Indeed you may be wrong about the things you are most adamant about.  

3. Not communicating

Sometimes couples simply stop communicating. They hold everything inside and their feelings get acted out instead of expressed verbally. People stop communicating for various reasons:

• They are afraid they won’t be listened to;
• They don’t want to make themselves vulnerable;
• Suppressing their anger because the other person isn’t worthy of it;
• They assume talking will lead to an argument. So each person lives independently and doesn’t talk about anything to the other person that is important to them.  They talk to their friends, but not to each other.

When couples stop communicating, their marriage becomes empty. They may go through the motions for years, maybe even until the very end. Their feelings, as I said, will be acted out in various ways. They are acted out by not talking to each other, by talking to other people about each other, by an absence of emotion or physical affection, by cheating on each other, and a multitude of other ways. As long as they remain like this, they are in marriage purgatory.

4. Pretending to communicate

There are times when a couple pretends to communicate. One member wants to talk and the other listens and nods as if understanding completely. Both are pretending. The member who wants to talk doesn’t really want to talk, but rather wants to lecture or pontificate and needs the other person to listen and say the right thing. The member who listens doesn’t really listen but only pretends to listen in order to appease. “Do you understand what I’m saying?” one member says.  “Yes, I understand completely.”  They go through this ritual now and again, but nothing is really resolved.

For a time, after these pretended talks, things seem to go better.  They pretend to be a happy couple.  They go to parties and hold hands and everybody remarks on how happy they are.  But their happiness is for appearances only. Eventually, the couple falls into the same rut, and there is a need to have another pretended conversation. However, neither partner wants to go deeper into the land of honesty.  Pretending is less threatening.  And so they live a superficial life.

5. Trying to hurt

In some cases couples can become downright vicious. It is not about being right or winning; it is about inflicting damage on one another. These couples may have initially fallen in love, but down the road they fell in hate. Very often couples who have an alcoholic problem will engage in these kinds of wars, in which they will spend night after night putting each other down, at times in the most vulgar manner.  “I don’t know why I married a foul-mouthed jerk like you!” one will say, and the other will reply, “You married me because nobody else would take a stupid moron like you.”

Obviously, in such marriages communication is at the lowest point. People who argue by putting others down suffer from low self-esteem and are deluded into thinking that by demeaning someone they can be superior in some way. They’re on a merry-go-round of discord to distract themselves from the true emptiness of their lives.