Thanks Jerk!

Thanks, Jerk! What You Can Learn From Folks Who Drive You Nuts

By Sara Seinberg

You've been looking forward to a party for three weeks. Finally the night is here: you look fantastic, and you feel great. Then you spot your ex-boss, an arrogant man who spent four years making your life twice as difficult as it had to be. He micromanaged your work to death. Now you spend the party trying to avoid him, ruminating on past professional humiliations suffered at his hands. 

Or maybe it's slow at work. You’re on Facebook and see an update from a friend who is presently annoying you more than Bobcat Goldthwait on a silent meditation retreat. Although she's simply stating her political opinion, you find fault with it, then feel compelled to visit her page. 

Before you know it, you're spending the rest of your break working yourself into a negativity lather regarding every irritating thing about this person who, just six months ago, was such a fun lunch companion. 

Look, everyone needs a nemesis. This person can act as our guiding light to humanity and calm. This is the person who can lead us to the moments of presence. She is our teacher.

Yup: This asshat is precisely the one who can help us find what we're always saying we want: serenity, authenticity, ease, grace and happiness.  

And here’s how:

1. They force us to identify the quality we need to develop. 

It’s never the whole person we can’t stand. It’s what they represent that drives us bananas. Is it the arrogance? Neediness? Maybe it’s the sarcasm or the mean streak. There are a billion things we highlight in the nemesis that we readily accept in friends. But in the nemesis, these highlights can become a map to our own freedom. 

Of course this is a version of that old saying, “That which we reject in others is exactly what we fear in ourselves.” 

Duh. Paging Dr. Freud. While identifying these things are great: THEN WHAT?

2. They force us to get real with ourselves. 

Once we find the characteristic(s) about our arch enemies that make us want to spit, we jot them down and carry them with us until we have a moment. We then sit quietly with the list and find where those little human foibles are prancing around in our own lives. It’s time for Real Talk with Ourselves, not as a berating lecture on how we have failed in life, but rather an observance of how we are NOT perfect, and therefore actually doing our jobs as humans, being imperfect.

3. They get us to practice forgiveness. 

We picture the enemy. We sit with them until they become real. We allow them to have a family, to be daughters and brothers. We picture things about them we like, their humor or work ethic. Maybe their attention to detail. We see them laughing. We recall the time we spied them hunched in the stairwell, crying quietly on a flip phone. We acknowledge their complexity as people and we forgive them their bad behavior. Then we practice the exact same thing for ourselves. Shame and everything.

4. They show us gratitude. 

And like anyone who does us a good turn, we say thank you. We thank the exact jerk who is bugging us for the opportunity to make a gateway back to our true selves. We also thank them for helping us to lighten the toxic load. This is heavy baggage and it is slumping our spiritual posture. Then, again, we use that practice for ourselves. We thank ourselves for being willing to try this practice. We thank ourselves for letting go of resentment at least long enough to acknowledge our co-humanness with our nemesis teacher.

5. They help us practice. 

We do this a little bit every day. We let people be whole and we practice it. We forgive idiots and jerks because we ARE idiots and jerks sometimes. We let ourselves see others as imperfect instead of kicking them off pedestals over and over because we have fallen from the same pedestal and it’s a long way down. We forgive ourselves for not being perfect because there is no such thing. It is our job to make mistakes and at try to make new ones because these old ones are holding us back.

I remember a conversation with my friend Allison one day. She was sad because her ex-friend had made her into a new monster, talking around town about all the awful things Allison had done. 

"That must feel so unjust!" I said.  

Allison sighed and said, "I feel sad about it, but I can be that for her. Everybody needs a nemesis."

Meeting your Partner's Reactivity

Meeting your partner's reactivity is often quite difficult.  You likely find yourself in one of the following scenarios.  Your partner reacts and you react back with defending, attacking, submitting, or shutting down.  Your partner reacts and you walk away, working to contain your own reactivity or simply refusing to engage.  Your partner reacts and you are able to see through it easily to his or her feelings and needs and so you offer an empathy guess.  Your partner reacts and you express your own feelings, needs, and request. 

In the last scenario, you are expressing honestly.  A true expression of your feelings and needs and an effective request, can be pretty hard to access while facing your partner's reactivity.  On the other hand, if you can stay connected to yourself in this way, you call your partner and your relationship into a different level or relating and you interrupt the cycle of reactivity.  

Being able to offer your honest expression in the heat of the moment is dependent on the amount of reflection and practice you have done when things are not heated.  My hope for you is that every reactive interaction with your partner is a cue for you to take time to reflect on your own feelings and needs and what you would like to happen differently in the future.  Ignoring reactive exchanges in your relationship for the sake of superficial harmony, is a high cost strategy.  Every ignored reactive exchange lives as a toxin in your relationship, perniciously destabilizing your connection.

When you do take the time to reflect, it's important to separate the details/topic or trigger from the reactive state itself, these are two separate conversations.  Sometimes your lawyering mind wants to hold onto and argue about details in the hopes of proving the validity of your needs.  Embodying NVC consciousness means letting go of the crutches you have used to prove your needs are valid, and surrendering to the deeper truth that it is your birthright to thrive and pursue thriving.

As you focus on your partner's reactive behavior, honest expression becomes easier.  It might sound something like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  The next time you have the impulse to call me a name would you be willing to take three deep breaths and tell me what you are needing?"

In the example above, you can see that the request offers a specific do-able action for the next similar situation.  When you are telling someone about something that doesn't work for you, the temptation is to make a "don't" request.  For example:  "Don't get reactive with me.", "Don't call me names.", "Don't yell at me.", "Don't shut down."  These requests are about moving away from something, avoiding or averting.  They are ineffective for a couple of reasons.  

First, everything anyone does is an attempt to meet needs, so when you say "don't" and that person doesn't know another way to try to meet that need, you are asking someone to hold back their life force.  When anyone works to hold back their life force, they are moving into a depression.  I am guessing that's not what you want to create.

The question is:  What do you want to create?  A "don't" request doesn't answer this question.  A request that asks someone to do something different moves you toward creating the relationship you want.  Of course, your request is only a guess at what the other person might be willing to do to meet your needs.  When you don't have a guess, it's okay to collaborate around the request.  It might sound like this:  

"When I think about last night before dinner and how you told me I was selfish, I feel hurt and I need honor and peace.  
Is there something specific you would be willing to do differently the next time have the impulse to call me a name? or Could we brainstorm ideas about what we could both do to interrupt reactivity the next time it comes up?"

Working together in this way, you and your partner stay grounded in your needs and how you would like to meet them in your relationship.

Practice
This week notice when someone is doing something that's not working for you.  Each time you hear yourself thinking or expressing a "don't" request, pause, connect to your needs and the needs that you guess are alive for the other person, and imagine what he or she could do instead.

~LaShelle Lowe Charde

One of those impulses....

Sex is one of those impulses that comes forth

from within that cannont be denied.

You can squelch it and contour it and regulate it,

but it's an impulse that continues to come forth,

sometimes more than others, but it continues to come forth.

Abraham, collective of entities channeled by

American psychic medium, Esther Hicks

Do you want to be right or happy?

By Mike Goulding

I love the phrase, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?Maybe you have an uncle who constantly engages you in heated discussions about politics when you obviously have a different opinion. Or maybe you and a friend have a very different idea about what happened with a past issue. You've tried to convince her many times before and she's not seeing it your way. 

It's time to give up winning the argument and start taking charge of the situation by taking charge of yourself. 

 

When you feel the urge to defend yourself against the ridiculous point your relative has just made, you can use the Peace Survival Kit and take an Aikido approach instead.  

Aikido is a Japanese martial art (also known as the art of peace) that empowers people to protect themselves without having to hurt other people. These techniques can be applied to verbal confrontations with others. 

 

So going back to your argumentative relative, you can use the three steps in an Aikido move in your verbal differences: 

• Evade
• Align 
• Enter

Evade: Let the other person’s behavior go by once or twice to see if he stops on his own.

 

Align: Let the other person know that you want to be on her side by validating points and showing her that you're at least hearing what she's saying. (This does not mean you have to agree with everything.)

 

Enter: Establish boundaries by stating the behavior you expect from the other person.

 

Let’s apply this to a situation you might encounter.

 

Your Relative: I see you're still on that silly vegetarian diet.

You: [Evade by saying something to give permission for the conversation to move onto something else.] I actually have more energy now. How does your son like his new job?

 

Your Relative: You see, there we go again.

You: [Align.] I hear you in that we have different views about what to eat. I would really like to have a peaceful visit with you and make it more comfortable for everyone else here.

 

Your Relative: All the vegetarians I know are crazy. Who brainwashed you? 

You: [Enter.] I’m going to have to stop this conversation if it stays on this course. I would appreciate you dropping this old argument that we've not been able to resolve and at least be polite to one another.

 

Did you see what happened there? Instead of trying to defend yourself against the comments you are now managing yourself in a way that is not attacking the other person. You walk away at peace with knowing that you did the best you could to keep the situation peaceful with your relative.  

It does not matter what the other person does after that, but often times he/she responds to your self-mastery that is positive for everyone.  When the other person does not respond in a positive way then there is a better chance to get the support of others in the room as a bonus benefit of your self-mastery.

 

The Aikido principle of yielding and overcoming is played out here. By not participating in the argument, you win with the potential of everyone else around you winning too. 

 

The Art of Lovemaking

By Elizabeth Rocchino

When you think of sex, you probably think of the act of release. What, then, is lovemaking? And is it more fulfilling than sex alone? 

 

Let me introduce you to the concept of lovemaking where two souls exchange energies. Human beings are made up of many layers of vibrating energy, each with its own specific vibration and purpose. The physical part of us is created from and sustained by, it’s energetic layers. 

It's an amazing vessel in which we as a soul can experience the physical plane of existence.

 

The same concept applies to making love. What we're really doing is exchanging energies, your energies and your partner’s. It’s like alchemy that, when engaged together in love through the connection of the vital source (the divine) can open and heal the mind, body, heart and soul. 

Our physical body is the part of ourselves that we are usually most familiar with because we can directly experience it as an apparently solid physical form. However, it's good to keep in mind that we're actually created from the energies of our body, which is greatly influenced by our emotions and thoughts. 

Therefore, sex is an energetic exchange and sharing not just a means to release or the satisfaction of the body but an exchange of energy. Your body may be satisfied, but if it remains on a purely physical level, you'll only experience a pure high and miss out on a higher connection to the source. Real fulfillment cannot be achieved through the body alone as it's transitory. This means it is temporary.

 

Lovemaking happens when you are fully aware that you are a body and soul, not just a physical body. It is then that lovemaking becomes the opportunity for the soul through the vehicle of your body to interchange, communicate and express love as a gift to one another. 

When you give yourself to your partner sexually with love as the foundation, you no longer see your partner as a separate self or simply as another body of flesh. It is then that the love shifts to a deeper state and your lovemaking moved to a spiritual level. The act becomes a sacred communion and the illusion of separation between you and your partner disseminates and you emerge as ONE.

 

Once you become aware that you and your partner are no longer bodies but souls, you can then allow each other’s body to serve as a temple becoming the portal into a deeper connection of the Infinite or divine. It is at this point that love energy is felt and becomes in the truest sense Lovemaking. 

You are both sharing the love in that present moment. So, be fully present and learn to surrender and set yourself free from expectations or what society has set as examples. This is in turn creates freedom.

 

The act of lovemaking entails that we surrender ourselves or become vulnerable, not just to your partner but also to the Divine that is living within us all. And remember, that lovemaking is positive and beautiful. 

The cells of our body respond to our emotional state. High frequency, positive emotions like love, happinessand joy create the optimum environment for generating strong, healthy cells, while lower frequency emotions like fear, anger, doubt etc tend to have the reverse effect. So enjoy, let go and be present.

 

True lovemaking happens when you realize, embrace and embody that you are LOVE.

How to Seduce a Woman

How to Seduce a Woman….

Rule #1: Listen to what she has to say;

Rule #2: Make her feel good about herself.

Women are ruled by emotion…the fastest way into our hearts (and should you desire – our pants) is through the things you say and don’t say.

Unlike men, we are not visual or driven by our physical urges. Pictures of your bare torso reflected in a bathroom mirror are unlikely to elicit the passionate response you seek. Similarly, the following text message will most likely be deleted before getting a reply: Ur so hot. Let’s do it 2nt.

To truly stir a woman, and have her aching for your touch, you need to practice the art of listening. I’m not saying that your ears won’t bleed or that you won’t stroke out before she’s finished a particularly passionate soliloquy…I’m saying that she needs to feel that she’s heard…that someone cares to hear what she has to say…trust me, she may have a lot to say…but think of your end game.

Make her smile. Make her feel proud of her accomplishments. Allow her the chance to open up and reveal what makes her happy. Before you can follow Rule #2, you have to master Rule #1. Once you’ve picked up on her self-identified deficits you have your grocery list of items to replenish. If she feels good about herself…confident in herself….and she has you to thank for that….well, then…you are the man!

Once you’ve appealed to her emotional side you will awaken that sought after inner passion…. And then you will have a woman who will work to seduce you.

Authority vs. Power Over / Power Under

Much pain and suffering comes from confusion about the difference between authority and power over.  In an ideal world, someone who is in authority has earned that authority through experience and learning.  For example, your boss has a certain authority at work.  She is likely able to hold a big picture of what is happening with the business and it's employees and what needs to happen.  She has earned this authority through work experience and education.  Because of this earned authority you and your co-workers give more weight to her ideas, decisions, and directives.  You trust what she is doing most of the time in regards to work decisions.

But when you give your boss authority in areas other than the immediate work environment or when you trust her every decision without checking in with your own sense of integrity, you are moving into a power over / power under consciousness.  For example, your boss doesn't get to weigh in on weather it is healthy for you to take an extra shift this week.  Only you have authority over your own self-care.
The reasons for slipping into a power over / power under consciousness are many and complex and volumes have been written about this topic (http://www.nvcworld.com/the-heart-of-social-change).  For our purposes here, the important thing is to learn to notice this for yourself and be able to return to a consciousness of power with.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put someone in power over you:

*You believe your needs are not as important or you don't deserve to have them met.
*You don't speak up when something is happening that is a violation of your ethics.
*You ask for or willingly receive advice from this person about areas of your life outside of the dimension in which he or she has authority.
*You bend your sense of personal boundaries to acomodate this person's wishes.
*You feel like you are in a trance around this person, like you can't access all of who you are or your sense of what's true.
*You feel smaller, speak in a smaller voice, or literally make yourself smaller through posture.
*After talking to this person you feel confused or fuzzy or disconnected from yourself.
*You lose your sense of humor and creativity around this person.

Here are some telltale signs that you have put yourself in power over another:

*You believe your needs are more important or you deserve to have them met before others.
*You make most of the decisions regardless of context.
*You announce what is going to happen rather negotiate to consider the needs of others.
*You give unsolicited advice about things not falling in your area of authority.
*You become angry and resentful if someone doesn't follow your advice or do things in a way you expect.
*You view the other as incapable, pitiful, and in need of your rescuing.
*You imagine you know what is right for another without asking them.
*You think a lot of about what this person or group of people should and shouldn't do.

In a "power with" consciousness, you maintain awareness and responsibility for your needs and values while being able to consider and hear the needs of others.  When you receive guidance and directives from someone in authority, you are able to discern your response in integrity with your needs/values and all the details relevant to that context.  If something seems off, you are able to ask questions of the person in authority.  You have clarity the boundaries of this person's authority.  You remember that the needs of all living beings are equally important regardless of roles and responsibilities.

Practice
Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there a relationship in which you slipping into power over / power under consciousness?  What are the signs?  Can you also find some examples in which you are maintaining a power with consciousness?  Your intimate relationship, parenting, work, and spiritual communities are all good places to watch for these dynamics.

Lashelle Lowe Charde