Live in the now

How to Stop Dwelling on the Life You Could Be Living

By Ana Barcelos

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

I’ve often compared myself to others and imagined that they have a better life than I do.

The youngest of eight children, I grew up with a mother who often said, “So and so must really be happy! Look at them! They know how to live life.”

Becoming a widower at the age of forty with eight children to raise was not easy on her, which is why she constantly wished her life were different. And somehow, those thoughts and words stuck with me.

I’ve frequently felt that I’m not enough, despite being a professor and researcher, having published books, and having presented at conferences in Brazil and abroad.

No matter how much I’ve done and accomplished in my life, I usually catch myself looking at other people´s lives and thinking they´re better off (despite all the webinars, self-development books, self-improvement mp3s, and meditations I have done).

I compare myself to people who somehow “seem” to lead a more fun life. In the beginning of my career, I thought that other researchers were always “producing” more than I was.

This type of thinking also manifests in the suspicion that I could be living another life.

Let me explain: We sometimes get stuck, thinking the past, or our “lost opportunities,” as we like to label them, are better than the present.

Our thinking might sound like this:

“If I had done such and such, I would be living my dreams.”

“I could be living this adventurous life in another city doing something else.”

“I´d be so happy if only I had…”

This is where the problem lies.

Lost opportunities happen when we are nowhere instead of now here.

We are nowhere when we live in the present lamenting the past, dreaming of a future that may never come if we are not mindful about our present, about the now here.

No one can be happy if not in the present.

When I stay in that mode, I feel miserable. I feel like a victim—like I´m not enough, or a failure. All lies.

These big lies come from our shadows, from our fears, from our egos. This happens because we identify with our thoughts about what we could have done or what we should be doing. Being mindful is the opposite of that.

I have realized that I need to know how to differentiate my ego from my love voice. What does it feel in my body when I experience each of these? These are my thoughts about it:

Ego voice:

It would be so much better if you were somewhere else. Life on the other side is much better. You could be living in another country and you would happy; instead, you are stuck here. You lost your opportunity to live this life. You failed.

These thoughts make me feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and jittery.

Love says:

Your life is wonderful and you have so many possibilities and opportunities, right here and right now. You are wonderful and you are loved. Open your eyes to the doors of opportunity near you, to the beauty that you already create right here and right now. All is well.

These thoughts bring peace and calm to my body and heart.

As Maharishi Mahesh Yogi says, “The ego looks for what to criticize. This always involves comparing with the past. But love looks upon the world peacefully and accepts. The ego searches for short comings and weaknesses. Love watches for any sign of strength. It sees how far each one has come, and not how far he has to go.”

So, how can we get out of this rut? How can we live our lives and be more present to ourselves? I’ve developed this list for myself, and it just may help you too:

1. Breathe.

Breathing brings us to the present and it connects us with our higher selves. Whenever you see yourself comparing and going to the past, take a deep breath and bring your awareness to the present moment.

2. Listen to music.

Nietzsche said, “Life without music would be a mistake.” When you start getting down on yourself, turn up the volume of your favorite song. Soon you’ll be singing along, getting in the zone, and feeling good in the now, since music is the language of love.

3. Say a mantra.

I have learned that mantras can be incredibly powerful tools for mindfulness and empowerment. The one I like most is: “I am the Light. The Light is in me.”

4. Say affirmations.

I have made my own and have copied others that appeal to me, and I repeat them every morning before I get up.

If you find yourself dwelling on the past, affirm to yourself, “I accept all that is. All is well. I trust the divine order. I cherish all that I have and all that I am.”

Claim these words and really feel it as you say them.

5. Do some yoga poses.

Whenever you feel stuck, get your energy flowing with some yoga poses, such as the child posture, downward dog, or the tree pose. If yoga is new to you, you may want to start with some basic stretches, syncing your breath with the movements.

6. Marvel at nature.

Nature is here to nurture us. If you feel empty or lost in your negative thoughts about yourself and your life, step back and look at the world around you. I like to look at birds that come to eat in the backyard in my house. I see how free they are, and it reminds me I can be free, as well, if I choose to be.

7. Be thankful for all you have and are.

Gratitude is powerful because it helps us recognize all the good things around us, instead of dwelling on all the good things we think other people have. In fact, a good mantra is: “Thank you for everything. I have no complaints.”

8. Read inspiring spiritual messages and blogs.

One good blog is Tiny Buddha! It always uplifts me and puts me in a Zen state.

9. Do one tiny thing to create the life you want now (instead of dwelling on the life you could have had).

Ask yourself: what can I do right now to actively create the future I visualize?

10. Enjoy the present!

Being present means noticing the thousands of things around us that make life interesting. It also means making time for fun. It can be listening to your favorite song and singing along, or going out for a walk, writing in your journal, or savoring your favorite food.

Enjoy being here now and experiencing this beautiful world. Most importantly, enjoy the person who you are right now, exactly as you are!

I still have moments when I wish I lived a different life, but I see them as opportunities to practice being in the present and cherishing all that is happening now. I am learning to see these moments as tiny reminders of living in the moment.

How can you embrace and enjoy your life as it is today?

Relationship Check-In

LaShelle Lowe Charde

You and your partner may talk easily about things.  You share the events of your day.  You talk about how the kids are doing in school.  Maybe you have political discussions or share about the books you're reading.  But when it comes to sharing about how much or little each of you is enjoying your relationship, you might find yourself avoiding.

You have likely had many experiences in which hearing someone's dissatisfaction is accompanied by blame, shame, criticism, and analyses of why you are failing.  It's not surprising then that you are not eager to check in with your partner about his or her level of satisfaction in the relationship.  Unfortunately, by not checking in you miss out on opportunities to adjust the way you relate little by little as you go.  As a result, change often has to come in the form of big emotional storms that have been building over time.  This is a painful way to grow and change in your relationship.

You can make checking in with your partner about the level of satisfaction in the relationship safer by adding more structure and making clear requests.  Here are some ideas for structure and specific requests that will make it easier and safer to check in about your relationship:

1. Any expression of dissatisfaction is followed by an idea or request that would lead to more satisfaction.  Let's imagine that you say you're not satisfied with the amount of affection that is shared in your relationship.  Rather than long hours of processing about why there isn't more affectionate, simply make a request for affection in the moment.  For example, "I am missing affection with you, could we cuddle and watch a movie tonight?"  I can't emphasize enough how important this is.  When something is painful, your mind wants to analyze the past and figure out exactly what went wrong in hopes of preventing future pain.  This might be helpful later, but in the moment it is disconnecting and usually leads to criticizing, blaming, and defending, in other words, more pain.  When something is painful or missing, move directly toward what you want with collaboration and concrete action.

2. Check-in's that are specific lead to specific and do-able action.  Questions like, "Are you happy with me?" are vague and will result in vague generalizations, which make it very difficult to figure out how to make things better.  Check in with specific questions that address particular needs in a specific way.  Here are a few examples:
   1. "Are you feeling as connected with me as you want to right now?  If not, what could we do right now to create more connection?"
   2. "As we talk about moving, do you have a sense that I am considering your needs?  If not, what's one thing I could to give you a greater sense of consideration?"
   3. "I remember you saying that play is one of your most important needs to have met in our relationship.  In this last month, are we playing as much as you want?  If not, could we brainstorm ideas to bring more play into our life together?"

3. Check-in regularly and when things are going well.  Ritualize your check-in.  Set a specific time each week that you are relaxed and rested.  Create a supportive sacred space for being together.  Make use of ritual cues like a special tea to drink, lighting candles or incense, having special chairs or cushions, etc.  If you only do a relationship check-in when you sense there is a problem, you are heading toward the emotional storm I mentioned above.
   
   Also, when things are going well, celebrate how connected, in love, happy, secure, and alive you feel in your partnership.  This not only creates emotional resiliency in your relationship, it also helps you to associate positive feelings with a relationship check-in.  

Lastly, relationship check-ins are just as much about how the two of you might stretch to meet each other, as it is about you taking care of yourself.  For example, if you are missing companionship in your life, you might invite your partner for a hike on Saturday and you also might get in touch with friends to set up get togethers.  A relationship check-in isn't meant to make sure that all your needs are being met in the relationship.  It's meant to help you discern which needs you would like to meet with each other and whether or not you are doing that to the extent you would like.  It also hopefully supports you in maintaining a sense of your individuality and freedom to meet needs outside the relationship in a way that doesn't cost the needs of your partner and family.

Practice

Start your relationship check-in right now by checking in with yourself.  Here are some reflection questions that might help:  

• Am I neglecting any of my own needs because I am imagining they can't be met as long as I am in this relationship?  If yes, where can I get support to get creative about meeting these needs?
• Have I shared with my partner which 2 or 3 needs I would most like met with him or her?
• Do I know which needs are most important to my partner?  Do I know if s/he is satisfied with the extent to which these needs are met?
• What am I celebrating about our relationship right now?

Self Compassion

Teresa Weinsten Katz

How we beat ourselves up for that brownie or pizza slice! Once we’ve lost control or overdone it, forget about self-care and serenity. But research keeps confirming some ancient wisdom when it comes to eating better. Gentleness, being kind to oneself, paves a better path to success than self-flagellation.

“ROLAND PAIVA’S RADIANCE” BY ALEJANDRO CHASKIELBERG | YOSSI MILO GALLERY

One study asked dieters to go easy on themselves in the face of eating preferred candy. Eaters first rated as “highly restrictive” ate less after hearing a self-compassion message than those who did not. Christopher Germer, Ph.D. mentions this study in The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. He explains, “When dieters’ heads are ‘not cluttered with unpleasant thoughts and feelings,’ they can focus on their dietary goals rather than trying to improve their mood by eating more food.”

While those of us interested in mindfulness and eating behavior may have found this work striking, it didn’t venture far beyond the mindfulness literature. Now, two new books and a related New York Times article highlight “Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges“.

How could we have gotten this so wrong? “I’m afraid if I go easy on myself, I’ll just give in and not care anymore,” said Marie. “How can I be nice to myself after I’ve done something so disgusting?” said Sarah. These thoughts, typical of dieters, and binge eaters, don’t square with the fact that, almost always, the slips and binges continue unabated. The self-abasement doesn’t seem to work. The fear, though, is that maybe things would be even worse without it.

Consider what might really be happening, though. Who might really deserve to be treated nicely – in others words, allowed to succeed, allowed to be comfortable and not stuffed? The person who’s doing her best, or the person who has done something really “disgusting”? The self-flagellation confirms that we may not be worth the care and effort of eating better. We can see this difference at work when we picture responding to a friend who’s overeaten. Would we really punish and yell at her, or would we try to soothe and encourage her? Which might help more?

Also, those negative thoughts and feelings do clutter the mind. It’s hard to reflect on what happened – on how and why a slip or binge occurred – while so preoccupied. And that kind of reflection helps avert future problems. Analysis of such events is, in fact, a major component of relapse prevention programs, and cognitive-behavioral change programs, of all types.

Dr. Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, notes that self-compassion increases motivation, contrary to the idea that we’ll whip ourselves into shape with self-criticism. You can hear this when Marie, quoted above, worked to change the habits and self-talk that followed her slips:

“It’s funny, now I actually feel like I want to avoid the temptations, because I know how good I’ll feel, and how bad I’ll feel if I don’t. I guess I feel like I have some power to control that now.” tweet

The other new book on the topic, The Self-Compassion Diet, by Jean Fain, points to the deprivation and neglect that most diet plans encourage. This stands out in Sarah’s case, who likewise had begun to respond to her binges with more self-care. “It’s the old thing, you know, that if you can’t have it you want it so much more.”

Self-compassion sits firmly in the traditions of Buddhist psychology and modern mindfulness practices. They embrace the paradox that change more likely follows acceptance than resistance. They teach that it’s hard to behave in ways that are peaceful and non-harming (for example, eating well) without first extending care to oneself.

The shift to less severe responses can indeed require “work”, time and energy. Mindfulness practice itself can help. That is, the practice of observing one’s responses non-judgmentally, in the present moment, staying aware of the breath. Skills used to deal with other negative thoughts and behaviors can help here, too, such as cognitive restructuring or affirmations. However you approach the change, the compassionate stance is that it may not happen instantly or perfectly. You’ve been hard on yourself for a long time, after all. You’ll need to learn how to be nicer now. Note what you try to do differently, and reassure yourself that you’re on the right path.

In pursuit of .....

I've met with people from all walks of life...young, old, married, divorced, straight, gay, transgendered...and, yet, I find the one thing everyone who walks through my door seeks is happiness.

I often say that I wish I had a magic wand, fairy dust, or sparkly capsule that will completely transform someone's life and shower him or her with raindrops of joy...but I don't. And that elusive feeling of merriment will never be found extrinsically.

*sigh*

That's the universal echo bouncing off my purple walls when I deliver reality.

Don't wait to be happy. Don't try to find it in another person.

Happiness is a choice; it can only come from you.