Drip…drip…drip - sounds of a slow leak under the kitchen
sink. The leak goes unnoticed. Water pools. Before you know it that little leak
morphs into a major problem.
Similarly sex, or the lack thereof, can become a key
obstacle in a happy relationship. Frequency becomes less and less…then one day
the couple realizes it’s been two years.
I know that first-time clients can view ‘the couch’ as a
daunting, foreign, uncomfortable place. There they are sitting across from me
looking for a compassionate ear, but uncertain about topic focus. However, I’ve
found that if a couples’ chief complaint involves sporadic sex then I’ll hear
about it during the first session.
Over a period of time, problems in a couples’ sexual patterns
can erode their sense of connection…it can also breed anger and resentment.
Why do couples stop having sex, and how can they prevent it? I
don’t know - I believe the reasons are individual to the couple. However, I can
pinpoint a few triggers that I’ve found to be at the foundation of many client
cases.
1. Anger and resentment
Which came first? The anger or the apathy? The resentment or
the unresponsiveness? Most couples don’t know. Often the anger issues are
long-standing and viewed as unresolvable. The couple is distant on many levels.
The solution to this is communication. Talk to your partner. Share your
concerns calmly and non-defensively to eliminate resentments and resolve the
issues.
2. Exhaustion
Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. And
ladies – I’m not just addressing your concerns with childcare, working, going
to school and housekeeping…. men get tired too! Many men feel exhausted but
don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability by telling their partner how
tired they are.
3. Boredom, depression, or mediocre sex
Another reason sex has halted might seem very obvious – the
sex isn’t very good. Aside from erectile difficulties or struggles with
orgasms, perhaps the sex is boring and routine. Maybe the couples’ sex patterns
have doused the spontaneity and excitement. Boredom doesn’t necessarily relate
to just the bedroom – one partner may be bored with career, relationship or
social life and those feelings of ennui have carried over to the bedroom. In
terms of depression, the depressed partner rarely declares, “I’m depressed and
I need help.” A depressed person seldom feels sexual. A way to work on
improving the quality of sex is to focus on touching and pleasing one another.
One exercise, called sensate focus, allows couples to take turns touching one
another. The recipient gives feedback about what feels good. The goal of the
exercise is to learn where and how to touch your partner so that the most
pleasure is experienced. I know I emphasize it a great deal, but verbal
communication is crucial for improving the quality of sex. Recapping the day
and filling your partner in on all the cute things the kids did is great – just
make sure there is time to talk about what you do and don’t like sexually.
4. Issues with initiating sex
Initiation is a delicate balance; when one person approaches
the other there is potential for rejection. Repeated rejection can lead to
resentment and avoidance.
At times, it may seem like one person is doing all the initiating.
If both partners wait obviously there will be no sex. When addressing the topic
of rejection be as gentle as possible and include a rain check suggestion, “I’d
love to sweetie but my stomach is killing me – can we make love tomorrow
instead?” Couples who have a healthy sex life typically say yes to sex…or
negotiate different sexual activities or alternate days/times.
5. Foreplay starts before you hit the bedroom
John Gottman, one of my favorite relationship gurus, has
found that men who do more housework typically get more sex. Foreplay starts
first thing in the morning and never stops…kindness, concern, affection,
respect, affirmation, consideration…all forms for foreplay. Similarly, physical touch and affection can
ignite a quick passionate kiss that can be continued later that evening.
6. Appearance or personal hygiene
You’ve been together a few years and maybe she only shaves
her legs on the weekend. His trousers are a little snug and he’s taken to
wearing sweatpants around the house. Maybe he’s stopped gargling with Scope
before kissing or showering before being close. She’s put on weight and fails
to maintain her fitness.
These can be difficult issues to discuss with a partner.
There is potential for hurt feelings; but if approached with tact and sensitivity
you can work together to become attractive to your partner. Some issues are
more easily solved than others – it’s easy to brush your teeth or change your
granny nightgown, but as anyone over 40 may know – weight loss is more
difficult (but achievable).
7. Excessive masturbation to pornography
Primarily an issue for men. Some men turn to Internet
pornography and masturbation when they have inconsistent sex in their
relationship. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation – but some issues can
develop. Libido for his partner may drop; He may not have the ability to have
intercourse with his partner if he masturbated that afternoon; He may compare
his partner to the young, slender women on the computer and she may not measure
up; His partner may not be as open to the sexual activities presented in porn
such as anal sex, threesomes or sex in public. A man whose sexual norm is based
on pornography can get out of sync with his actual partner. One solution to
this problem is to cease masturbation and Internet porn for 30 days. This will allow
his libido for his partner to reset. During those 30 days focus on the other
problems with sex and address them. Schedule a sexual frequency that is
comfortable for both partners and resume masturbation on your non-partner sex
days.
A relationship without sex isn’t necessarily
wrong, but it can be more vulnerable to relationship problems than one with
regular sex. As for how much sex a healthy couple should be having – that
varies. It should be up to the couple to figure that out. It’s normal to reduce
frequency the longer you’ve been together. Problems in a relationship like lack
of trust, financial issues, parenting, misunderstandings, or anxiety can impact
sexual patterns. It becomes cyclic…one can exacerbate the other. Strive for intimacy to connect you together.
I know I harp on ‘date night,’ but with chores and work and kids it’s the only
way to recapture those getting-to-know you talks and spontaneity you had while
dating.
L
