Before the Heated Argument

On February 26, 2011, in LaShelle Charde, by lucky1

Usually a heated argument doesn’t begin suddenly.  There is often a long slow build up of little disconnects.  Attuning yourself to the more subtle forms of disconnect can prevent heated arguments.  Let’s look at a few.

The free association parallel conversation In this type of conversation there is a quick volley of ideas or stories back and forth and sometimes one person is still talking when the other person begins.  The topics change frequently.  The content may be neutral or even celebratory.  At a party or family gathering this can be connecting, but when it happens consistently in intimate relationship, it distracts from going deeper and the need to be heard goes unmet.

Educating

Your partner expresses a difficulty, curiosity, a story, or experience and you offer what you know about that topic.  When you immediately offer what you know, you miss the opportunity to hear your partner’s experience.  The simple act of asking a follow up question about what your partner has shared, before sharing your information, builds a sense of trust and mutuality.

Venting

You don’t really have “a need to vent”.  Venting is a strategy that may or may not meet your needs for empathy, clarity, and support.  Sometimes venting helps get clarity and sometimes it just creates more anger and irritation.  Either way venting without asking your partner if she or he is willing to hear you, often doesn’t meet your partner’s need for consideration and choice.  If you choose to vent, first form the intention to get to clarity or empathy for yourself or another.  Then, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to listen for no more than 2 or 3 minutes.  Complete with a connection to the needs up in the situation and a commitment to learning how to meet them next time.

You shouldn’t feel that way

You see your partner upset and hurting and you see how it comes from a misperception on his or her part.  You want your partner to feel better so you make an argument for how s/he has no reason to be upset.  Regardless of the accuracy of your partner’s perception, s/he is having a particular experience, the first thing needed is to be met in that experience.  You can do this by reflecting back the situation, feelings, and needs you hear being expressed.

Lawyering

You make a request and your partner says no.  You begin to explain how your request is valid saying things like, “I worked hard so you should…”, “I went with you last time so you should…”. You become a lawyer presenting a case.  Often your partner presents the counter argument.  This might start with something small like rearranging the furniture. Rather than arguing your case you can get curious about what feelings and needs are up for your partner that has him or her say no.

As you become more and more aware of these little disconnects you will be able to track the sense of each as it arises and make a choice about how you would like to connect.

Take a moment to reflect on which of these are most common in your relationship.  This week, see how many times you can catch yourself in this kind of dynamic.

Here is the direct link to this gem where you can read and comment:
http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/blog/?p=624

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Is your Toxic Relationship Affecting your Health?

Adrenal Fatigue and Toxic Relationships

By: Michael Lam, MD, MPH
and Dorine Lam, RD, MS, MPH

The leading cause of Adrenal Fatigue is chronic stress. Stressors can be physical, financial, or emotional. Those who are over-exerting themselves physically, such as serious athletes have a higher propensity of developing Adrenal Fatigue. Physical stress can usually be reversed once the body is allowed to rest and nurtured back to health. Other stressors like overwork, poor diet, and overexertion, usually act as underlying triggers of adrenal crashes. Financial distress in and of itself is seldom the root cause.

The most common stressor of Adrenal Fatigue is emotional and mental stress and distress.

 Some unresolved toxic relationships, which gradually wear our bodies down over time, usually cause such stress.

It is truly amazing how much your emotional health can influence your physical health. 

Adrenal Fatigue, along with dysautonomia, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome(POTS), and a host of emerging conditions, represents a new class of conditions in modern medicine linking the mind and the body. Adrenal Fatigue can be considered a mind-body disorder. A strong mind-body connection is a powerful healing force you can harness for better health. However, on the flip-side, as in Adrenal Fatigue, the mind-body connection can be a devastating negative force capable ruining your body.

Numerous studies support the belief that people with an upbeat and positive perspective tend to be healthier and enjoy longer lives than those who are generally gloomy and cynical about the future. Epigeneticism is now emerging as a primary influence factor. This centers on the notion that environmental factors such as diet and stress influence the expression of your genes.

 It is the expression of your genes--not the genes themselves--that dictates whether you develop certain diseases. For example, if you have constitutionally weak adrenal glands at birth, stress may cause this weakness to be expressed, leading to Adrenal Fatigue.

 The absence of stress, on the other hand, can delay the expression of this weakness for an indefinite period. As you age, your genes do not change, but your epigenome changes dramatically. It is influenced by physical and emotional stresses--how you respond to everything that happens in your environment, from climate change to marriage to final exams to childhood abuse--that will ultimately affect your epigenome. 

A toxic relationship can influence the expression of your genes, and directly impact your tendency to avoid or develop many unpleasant conditions, from heart palpitations, and Adrenal Fatigue to depression.

Studies have shown:

• Heart surgery patients with strong spiritual and social support have a mortality rate 1/7th of those who do not.
• Meditation for just 30 minutes a day can be as effective as the use of antidepressants.
• Elderly people with positive attitudes have an over twenty percent reduction in risk of death from cardiovascular disease and over fifty percent lower risk from all other causes.

Clearly, the ability to have a positive mental attitude greatly affects your physical health. This is true in the case of Adrenal Fatigue. In fact, if emotional stressors are present but not resolved, they can act as a deterrent to Adrena Fatigue recovery.

Being able to manifest positive emotions and happiness is perhaps one of the greatest characteristics you have as a human being. For some this can be a very liberating thought. You do not have to feel bad because you're getting older or fatigued all the time, or because your life isn't going exactly as you had planned. You actually do not have to feel bad for any reason at all, once you make your mind up to be happy.

Adrenal Fatigue may actually be one of the best things that happen to you if put in the right perspective. For many, it is a wake up call. Often, some area of life is out of balance or alignment. Addressing Adrenal Fatigue is often the starting point for a deeper exploration of self and of life at a deeper level. Most people live superficially. Correcting Adrenal Fatigue often causes a person to begin to live at a much deeper level and to understand the body and mind from a more spiritual perspective as well. It forces you to focus on what is really important in life-such as peace, love, forgiveness, contentment.

Adrenal Fatigue or any serious condition is not to be handled as quickly as possible with a quick fix. If you act this way, you may miss the greatest blessing of your life. Use this condition constructively as a way of really listening and getting to know your body; to let go of toxic and harmful relationships, and cultivate subtle changes in attitude and mental tendencies. Try to move away from a superficial life that focuses on victim and negative thinking into one that, no matter how painful, is far more peaceful and serene. Bear in mind that having a positive attitude is not about being happy all the time. Accepting that there will be times when you feel down is all part of being happy.

While in reality we already have the full potential to be happy and are in full control of our capacity for happiness, most of us find it extremely difficult. In fact, statistics have shown that the majority of society is unhappy with one thing or another-job, finance, or relationship. Out of all these, relationship remains the most difficult to overcome.

In Adrenal Fatigue, the healing of the mind has to occur before healing of the physical body, because the mind controls the body. Emotional baggage has to be discarded if present, as it is toxic to the healing process. Toxic relationships therefore must be minimized for the mind and body to heal.

Toxic Relationships

All important, long-term relationships go through problems at some point in time. Whether it is family, marriage, or friendships, there will always be some type of conflict, disagreement and disappointment. A hallmark of emotional maturity is to bond with the significant other during difficult times and grow through the experience. However, some relationships are just plain toxic. No matter how they try to work through troubles, the conflicts and friction are so serious as to continually hurt one or more of the people in the relationship. This type of relationship singles out at least one person in an emotional desert.

Toxic relationships do not necessarily mean that the people concerned are bad. It is more about the people not fitting well with one another. Goodness or badness might not have anything to do with it. One person's style just clashes with the other person, creating a toxic relationship. There was good chemistry at one point, but with time, the people have grown and changed, thus altering the relationship. This is all part of human nature, and there is no one to blame. However, it can still be toxic all the same.

There are also toxic people who are a risk for emotional health. They usually have short tempers, mood swings, inconsistencies, denial and impulsive behavior. They might admit that behavior is wrong, but never try to correct their ways. They contradict the other as they say something, but do something else. Behavior might be quite abusive with only shallow feelings for their partners, shown through threats of leaving or holding back their love. A toxic person does not care about his/her partner and can even accuse him/her of self-centeredness. These people manipulate their companions and situations to keep their partner dependent on them even though they look down on them with shame, insult, and sarcasm.

Being in a toxic relationship can make you chronically tired, angry, and frightened. You worry about when is a safe time to talk to your partner or if you have the right to express yourself. Any abusive relationship can be considered toxic. Many people stay in relationships because they do not understand that they have rights and options. Their low self-esteem can come from depression, fear of loneliness, or harmful threats from an abusive partner. They might not see that life can be better without the toxic relationship.

Danger Signs

• Your partner separates you from your family, friends, and children.
• Your partner keeps watch over you.
• Your partner verbally abuses you either in private or in public.
• You lose your self-identity as you depend more on you partner, not knowing how to survive without him/her.
• Your partner dominates you, not leaving any space for your preferences.
• You are afraid of telling the truth for fear of upsetting your partner.
• Your self-esteem is always at a low level as your partner makes you feel worthless and unattractive.
• Your partner blames you for ruining the relationship and tries to make you change to make things work.
• Your thoughts, words, opinions, and accomplishments have no value.
• Your partner is overly possessive and overpowering.

Feelings that Define the Characteristics of a Toxic Relationship

• Unsupported
• Dis-satisfied
• Fearful
• Exasperated
• Depleted
• Drained
• Unaccepted
• Unrewarded
• Judged
• Guilt
• Tired
• Angry
• Untrusting
• Unequal
• Stifled
• Shame
• Stressed

Recognizing a Toxic Relationship Cycle

Though most of us want to find love and intimacy, we also find ourselves fearful of being hurt, worrying about commitment, and dreading abandonment—also known as anxiety. Our relationship comfort zone is flanked by behavior patterns that are neither too close to trigger fusion anxiety, nor too distant to trigger separation anxiety. These boundaries have been formed in our childhood and seldom change without conscious awareness. They also create patterns that can lead to a toxic relationship cycle.

In a toxic relationship cycle, power struggles arise many times without finding solutions. Intimacy turns to conflicts, which lead to anxiety. These anxieties then lead to arguments, hurt feelings, and withdrawal. Though withdrawals might bring temporary relief, they ultimately become feelings of isolation and loneliness, thus setting off anxieties about abandonment. This separation anxiety leads to new proposals and renewed intimacy as the couple goes through a honeymoon period. However, this closeness will soon trigger fusion anxiety and trouble starts all over again, repeating the cycle. Each time the cycle occurs, the adrenals take a beating. With each stress, the adrenal glands demand for cortisol is increased. With time, this output eventually declines, and symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue surfaces.

Couples who do not understand the cycles they are going through might eventually forget the positive elements in their relationship. Many of the problems in relationships are the product of varying comfort zone settings. When one person hits one side of the comfort zone boundary and is already experiencing fusion anxiety, the other person might just be following his/her desirable depth of intimacy. As the first person reverses direction and comes back into the comfort zone, the partner might feel abandoned; their mutual anxiety explodes and accusations are thrown at each other. For many of us, not understanding about the role of anxiety in relationships condemns us to be hurt constantly. However, if we try to face our anxiety, we can change the comfort zone relationship into a healthy, relationship characterized by a mutually reinforcing growth process. Not only will our selfhood grow, but also the sense of couple-hood will deepen.

In order to change a static comfort zone relationship into an actively growing relationship, we must train ourselves to stop in the middle of a conflict and engage in self-awareness. Ask questions like, "How did this fight start?" and "What am I anxious about?" or "How am I feeling threatened?" Using these questions might allow us to figure out a path to self-knowledge and deeper peace in our relationships. Intimate relationships awaken our deepest anxieties, and therefore can help us to grow personally and emotionally when used intelligently.

Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship

Being around a toxic person for a long time might greatly decrease your sense of self-worth and capability. It is very important to stop the harm that people cause you. If your life is distressing, you are the only one who can change it. Here are some tips on how to live a better life by nullifying the negative influence of toxic relationships:

• Take Responsibility. Understand that some part of you is contributing to the behaviors. Ask yourself why you are willing to allow the behaviors to continue. What can you learn from this?
• Set Boundaries. Let your partner know that they cannot go around you. Describe what you are looking for and what your expectations are for the future.
• Forgive. People are not usually toxic at birth. The environment and circumstances over time mold us in to who we are. Learn to see the good in a person beneath the toxicity on the surface. Learn to forgive and return love, which is our primary purpose on earth. Use love to heal one another.
• List the positive characteristics of the person. This will help you alter your focus. If you continually focus on negative aspects, the person will be negative whenever they are around you.
• Get a new perspective from a neutral party, who has no bias against your relationship—for example a counselor, coach, neighbor, or co-worker. The key is not to vent to the person or create someone to pity you. The point is for the other person to help you focus on the situation, the part you have played, and what you are willing to do to move forward.
• End the Relationship. If nothing changes after you have tried all of the above, walk away from your relationship with your head held high.

Unless you remove the negative toxic relationships from your life, the constant negative energy flow needed to sustain the toxicity prevents Adrenal Fatigue healing. To channel the toxic negative energy into positive constructive energy is key to the healing process.

The Alarms: Anger, Guilt & Shame

Lashelle Charde


Anger, guilt, and shame are important alarms. They let you know that important needs are up and that you are are engaging in "should" thinking.  While it's important to feel and name anger, guilt, and shame; it's equally important not to take action from them. These alarm feelings are your cue to pause and reflect on your thinking and your needs.


Guilt & Shame Behind guilt and shame there are jackal thoughts that are some version of "I have behaved badly or been a bad person deserving of punishment". The concept of deserve has paved the way for over 8,000 years of sanctioned violence. Taking action out of guilt and shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Guilt and shame are only useful when they lead you to connect with unmet needs in someone else or yourself rather than the judgments about good and bad.


Anger Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should act different than they are. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from an abusive* relationship anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that they have a right to have their needs met. But even in this context if action is taken from anger, more violence and unmet needs will likely result.
So how can you handle these emotions in a way that leads to connection and honor of all involved?  Below I list steps in a particular order, but of course life isn't this neat.  These four steps are meant to be touchstones that you come back to again and again in the way that works for you.


Acceptance & Space to mourn.
First, there is just to accept the way things are. I don't mean submit or accept in a hopeless way, but rather acknowledge what is or what was without resistance. This may be a long process.  It's quite common that folks who have a meditation practice spend years crying and grieving while sitting.

Name the next layer of more vulnerable feelings
Second, there is to feel the feelings below anger, guilt, and shame. Sadness or regret for needs unmet is usually below anger, guilt, and shame. Feeling sadness or regret requires a level of vulnerability and responsibility that isn't necessary with anger, guilt, & shame.

Name the needs
Third, from sadness or regret you can move to with the needs unmet in yourself and others in that particular situation.

Take action
Fourth, responsible action comes from honoring needs of all involved, including yourself, and acting to meet them.

*When I use the word "abusive" I am referring to a relationship in which there is neither awareness nor skill to honor and meet the needs of those involved, but rather consistent behavior that costs needs

Fear Of Intimacy: No, You Can’t Spend The Night

A friend shared this article with me and I wanted to pass it on...


You’d be surprised at how many men expect to spend the night after you’ve slept with them for the first time.

Now, to be fair, I guess they generally have some reason to expect that. I’m far too awkward for one night stands, so we’ve probably been dating for some time. And we’ve expressed some sort of affection for each other. I have probably even told him that I like him and find him attractive – I’m sappy that way, like a Hallmark card. Which may be why, approximately one minute and thirty seconds after we’ve finished (I watch the clock), they look surprised when I say one of the following:

1) Gosh! That was lovely. There’s an all-night diner up my street, why don’t we get dressed and go there? (And then you should go back to your apartment).

2) Well, I’d love for you to stay the night, but I just have so much work to do. At 3:00 in the morning. Which is when I like to work. (I’ll just be sitting at my computer playing Civilization III which is all I ever do at 3:00 in the morning. Empire building is my job).

3) I’m sorry, I just have to get up really early for a thing. A breakfast thing. So, it’ll be best if I sleep alone. (Please don’t quiz me on the “breakfast thing.” I’ll make up something super insane if I’m put on the spot like “It’s with the Dalai Llama!”)

4) It’s such a shame that you have to start work so early. Though it’s great! I really admire how hard you work. You know, the northeast corner across from my building is usually the quickest spot to get a cab.    (I would offer to drive him, but, New York).

Or simply:

Such a pity you can’t spend the night. (Because presumably we live in a nightmare world where no one ever spends the night anywhere, ever).

There are some people who know me well – hi, Mom! - who assume I don’t let gentleman callers sleep over because I’m just being considerate. I’m a terrible sleeper. While I’ve finally conquered my early childhood sleepwalking, and no longer awaken to find myself under my bathroom sink, I still have night terrors and periodically wake up screaming. On occasion I’ve been told I also emit a low keening wail that reviewers have called “freaky,”  ”scared the shit out of me” and “you realize you sound like a zombie?”  These tendencies are good, completely understandable reasons why someone wouldn’t want to spend the night with me. But they have nothing to do with why I don’t want to spend the night with them.

They do make for a good excuse about why I hate sleepovers, though. Even with warnings about my zombie wail, screaming, and general awfulness to sleep with, I am eventually talked into spending the night. Sometimes I do this because I feel like I’ve run out of excuses. Sometimes I do it because my gentleman friend’s apartment is located next to my favorite bakery. Either/or. When I do, I lie on a separate level of sheets from the other person and sleep fitfully, waking myself up every few hours, wandering around the apartment, usually resigning myself to sleeping on the sofa which I can excuse by saying I was “twitchy.”

Ultimately, this behavior leads to a conversation about how I’m “just like a guy!” because of the way I “hate to cuddle.” I guess they think it’s quirky, or cute, as though I really loved watching football games or drinking beer or hunting elk. Because hunting elk is the most adorable thing you can do as a girl.

Now here is a secret: I love cuddling.

It’s pretty much my favorite thing.

Do you remember  in When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal turns to Meg Ryan to discuss how women like to cuddle all night and men cuddle thirty seconds? When he says, “How long do you like to be held? All night right? See, that’s the problem. Somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem”.

No, screw you, Billy Crystal, you are wrong. I do not want to be held all night – I want the cuddling to go into the next morning. I just want us to spoon and then when we get hungry I want us to rise to our feet, still spooning, and scuttle like Siamese twins into the kitchen where we’ll get – nothing, there’s no food in my refrigerator – and then scuttle back to the bed. And then nap. Still spooning. And I want it to go on like that forever. And ever. Until we starve. Or order take-out.

Do I like cuddling more than sex? In the post Sex-and-the-City era suggesting that you likeanything more than sex makes you a little unwomanly, doesn’t it? And I do like sex. I like it a lot. But I don’t find it makes me feel vulnerable - I find it, ideally, a fun activity, sort of like a more pleasurable version of tennis. But since I spend a lot of the time flipping through a mental rolodex of Cosmo tips, sex isn’t something that makes me feel exposed. But when I’m sleeping in someone’s arms? I’m completely, totally vulnerable. And I will say that after relationships end what I miss most isn’t the sex. What I miss most is feeling so safe and warm napping with someone on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Cuddling, when it happens, makes me feel like a jerk a lot of the time. Because unless I steel myself and rise every few hours and eventually sleep on the sofa, I cuddle, literally, unconsciously. Periodically I wake up and find myself lying on top of someone, like a cat. Mostly, though, I just grip the man through the night like a spider-monkey. And then I wake up and see some perfectly nice guy staring at me as though I’ve let him in emotionally and, no, I haven’t. And I feel like my body has just told him a massive lie.

But mostly I just don’t want to be my most vulnerable self with someone who I don’t completely trust to see me that way.

I’ve never regretted having sex with anyone. But I’ve regretted sleeping with plenty of people.

So, in the end, when I point men to the taxi stand all I’m really saying is, “I can have sex with you if I like you a whole lot. But if I’m going to spend the night curled up in your arms, clutching you like a marmoset, subjecting you to my sweet, sweet zombie love call – well, we had better be in love.”

By Jennifer Wright