Say it like it is

LaShelle Charde

Say It Like It Is

Some of the most confusing suffering comes from shame or embarrassment about the basics of how you thrive and don't thrive in relationship.  Shame or embarrassment arises when you have some set of rules about what you are allowed to need and you aren't allowed to need in intimate relationship.  As you compare your actual experience to this set of rules, you inevitably feel discouraged and may fall into a puddle of self-criticism.

For example, you may have a rule that says:  "In a healthy relationship you should be satisfied with connecting with your partner on the weekend and not want anything more if you don't connect during the week".  But the fact is, it's pretty hard for you to feel secure in relationship.  You could reflect on your childhood, read about attachment theory, or consult your horoscope to explain it and yet even with more understanding, the fact remains:  to thrive in relationship you really benefit from multiple connection points in a given week or given day with your partner.  This is just the way it is for you right now.  It doesn't mean that you aren't doing your personal work and growing and changing.  It simply is the way your system works right now.  You have typically learned about what doesn't work for you the hard way, through resulting reactivity.

Sometimes it helps to gain acceptance about what truly works for you, by imagining that before you were born, you were handed some "karmic packages" (e.g., patterns of reactivity, unique challenges & strengths, types of wounding, etc.) and told that these are for you to unwrap and work with.  These  karmic packages are NOT who you are; understanding this allows you to find equanimity in your relationship to them.  Part of being responsible for your packages is being honest about what they are and how they work, understanding of course that they shift as you work with them.

When you are caught in shame or embarrassment about your "karmic packages", the result is usually confusing arguments, sudden hurts or outbursts, shut down, and sometimes manipulation or keeping secrets.  It takes self-awareness, courage, and responsibility to be honest with your partner (or anyone close to you) about how you really thrive in relationship.  Often you will find that your honesty and courage inspires others to meet you and share equally.  Sometimes though, you find out that not everyone can meet you at that level of vulnerability.  Regardless of how grounded and skillful you are another may still hear demands and expectations rather than vulnerable sharing.  In this case a relationship may need to end.  While this is painful, it may save you months or years of investing in a relationship that doesn't work.  

When another can receive your honesty and then share honestly about how much they can offer and with what they are willing to work, new doors of creativity and collaboration open up.  You may be able to negotiate and find new and creative ways to build a sense of security even when your partner doesn't show up in the way you are asking.  The tragic thing is that you won't be able to get to this creative collaboration without honesty about the way it is for you and hearing back from your partner what they can truly offer from the generosity of their autonomous heart.

Saying it like it is, is important in the beginning of a relationship to help you both enter into a commitment with honesty and mutual respect.  And since you are an ever changing flow of life energy, saying it like it is, is really an ongoing practice of self-reflection and honest communication that arises out of a compassionate and equanimous relationship to one's experiences, including one's karmic packages.

Practice

Take a moment to check in with something you would like in your relationship, that you haven't yet shared with your partner.  Follow these steps for reflection:  Name clearly the feeling, need, and request that goes along with what you would like, name any shame or embarrassment that comes up.  Breath through your heart, offer yourself reassurance that's it okay to experience what's present.  Allow yourself to rest there for a couple of minutes, just being with in compassion.

Achieve Radical Love

Gala Darling

In a world where self-hatred is a multibillion-dollar industry, loving yourself is a revolutionary act. Choosing to disconnect from the messaging that tells us we can never be too thin, white, or wealthy can completely change our lives.

Best of all, by making the decision to live as your fully embodied, entirely realized, unapologetic self, you embolden others to do the same. You let other people know that it's safe for them to be who they really are. You don't even know how massive a change this can be. By living as your whole self, you can literally tear the fabric of reality and create a new paradigm for yourself and the people around you.

"Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion." —Rumi

How do we move this theory out of the intellectual and into the practical? It's easier than we think. You don't need to move to Bali and meditate on the meaning of life every day! You can learn to love yourself in the suburbs in Australia, on the gritty streets of New York City, or on a farm in Belgium. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

1. Stop running away from your feelings.

Many of us use sugar, alcohol, drugs, television, or compulsive shopping to suppress any unpleasant emotions that we experience. It works for a little while — there's no denying that the high from sipping hot chocolate or purchasing a new pair of kicks can be thrilling.

But eventually, this temporary ecstasy fades, and we're left alone with our feelings again. After all, whatever we resist persists. Those uncomfortable feelings will keep cropping up until we finally take a deep breath and deal with 'em.

Next time you start to experience the tingling of an unpleasant feeling, pause before indulging in your vice of choice (whether it’s eating a piece of candy, browsing through a gossip magazine, or shopping online).

It only takes a second to disrupt those old habits that don't serve us. Instead, allow your feelings to wash over you. Rather than denying and repressing how you feel, say "yes" in your mind. Surrender to the emotion. This simple act can be massively powerful: when you no longer hide from your feelings and instead greet them at the door, they are much less frightening.

Now play detective with your feelings. Use your intuition and memory to dig out the root cause of your discomfort. Here's a hint: most discomfort or pain is a result of fear. What are you really afraid of? Once you know the answer to that, you can look at the situations in your past that echoed this experience.

For example, perhaps you feel jealous when your lover talks to other women. What is the root of your jealousy? It might be a fear that you're not good enough or that your lover is going to reject you. If this is your fear, it’s likely that you’ve experienced rejection or the feeling of not being good enough in your past.

Knowledge is power. Once you know the root of your feelings, you can deal with them. I love tapping for dismantling old, limiting beliefs and taking the sting out of a story. You could also try journaling, talk therapy, hypnosis, or simply having a frank conversation with your partner about why you feel the way you do.

2. Burn your fears.

An incredibly cathartic way to release negative feelings or obsessive thoughts is to literally set them on fire. In pride of place on my hot pink altar sits a miniature cauldron — I call it my "travel cauldron"— since I have taken it all over the world with me. I buy magic paper which sparkles and sizzles as it burns, tear it into small strips and write down the things I want to release. Then I crumple them up, drop them into my cauldron, and set 'em alight. There's something primal and wonderful about watching your fears literally go up in smoke.

3. Keep your best qualities on file.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to forget a compliment? On the other hand, that critique you got in 1992 still echoes in your head today. So frustrating, right? It's not your fault: we all have a negativity bias that makes the insults stick out while the praise shrinks into the background. Oh, humans. We're so complicated!

You can get around it, though. When you're just getting started with radical self-love, it can be hard to see yourself as the magnificent, cosmic miracle you are. Sometimes it's easier to see yourself through someone else's eyes.

I want you to start keeping a list of the compliments you receive, and keep the list where you’ll see it every day. Read them aloud to yourself as often as you can. With a little time, you'll start to believe the beautiful things other people say about you, and you'll be able to accept them gracefully.

4. Stop putting off your passions.

Your time on this incredible planet is unbelievably limited. You are going to die one day, and nobody knows how much longer they have. Why waste your time doing things that you don't care about?

You absolutely must carve out time to do the things that light you up from the inside and make your heart chirp like a baby bird. No one else is going to help you make time for these things. Guard your schedule aggressively and make space to write, or dance, or invent, or whatever it is you adore.

Here's the truth: nothing will make you feel better than working on something meaningful. Pouring energy into your passions makes you vibrate at a higher frequency, and it is so life-affirming. When's the last time you spoke to someone who was truly passionate about something? Didn't it make you feel alive? Make it one of your goals to become one of those people.

5. Count your blessings.

There's a lot of chat about the importance of gratitude. It can seem like it couldn't possibly be that easy to be happy, so we overlook it. Ultimately, it's just like anything in life: You can only infer so much from thinking about something. Transformation occurs when we actually TRY things.

If you're unable to appreciate what you have now, it doesn't matter what happens to you in the future: it will never be enough. Cultivating a daily gratitude practice helps you to be in the moment and to see the joy in everything. 

You could also rope your family and friends into it! Every morning and evening, ask the people you're with to list the five things they're most thankful for. Encourage them to be specific. "Having a job" is generic gratitude, but "The coffee shop was playing Al Green this morning" is deep gratitude. That means you have to really think about it. The benefits of being specific are massive and to be encouraged. This extremely simple practice can truly change your life. Try it and see for yourself!

There are so many ways to fall in love with your life — these barely scratch the surface.

7 signs you're with the wrong partner

Margaret Paul

You have to start with knowing why you want to be in a relationship, and when it comes down to it, there are only two reasons people do this:

1. To get love, security, validation, and safety, or to have a child. Someone to complete you — to fill your emptiness and make you feel adequate and worthy.

2. To share love and companionship, and to grow emotionally and spiritually.

You need to BE the right partner before you can know if you're with the right partner. That means you need to learn to love yourself, define your own worth, and fill yourself with love to share, rather than pursuing external validation. Ask yourself, "Am I filled with love to share, or am I needy and desperate to get love?”

If your intent is to get love rather than share love, then it's likely that no relationship will ultimately be right for you. You have some internal work to do before anyone will be the right partner for you.

You don't need to be "perfect" at loving yourself, but you do need to be working on learning to take responsibility for your own feelings of worth, adequacy, and safety.

If you fall into the second category (wanting to be in a relationship to give love and to grow), then ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is the person you're with open to learning about themselves and about you?

Being open to learning how to love yourself and others — rather than being closed and defensive — is essential for sustaining a loving relationship. Partners cannot resolve conflict without being open to learning. The question to ask yourself is, "What does this person do in conflict?"

Some people can appear to be open and loving until a conflict occurs and then they get angry, withdrawn, resistant, or overly compliant. If they do close up, how long does it take them to open again? Obviously, if they get emotionally or physically abusive, they are not the right partner for you.

Being open to lovingly resolving conflict is essential for perpetuating a loving relationship.

2. Is your partner capable of caring, compassion, empathy, and acceptance for who you are?

If you find that your partner is incapable of feeling empathy, then he or she isn't the right partner for you. A lack of empathy is one of the signs of narcissism.

3. Do you feel a basic spark of attraction? Do you like to be near this person? Do you like their smell?

If you do not feel physically attracted to this person within the first six months of the relationship, it's likely an attraction will not develop. This person might be a good friend but not a romantic partner.

4. Does this person have a compulsion to win and be right?

This is the opposite of being open to learning and does not bode well for a relationship.

5. Do you share interests?

Can you do certain things together, or is there no overlap in what you like to spend your time doing?

6. Do you have common religious and political values?

Do you agree on topics like spending, parenting, eating, fitness, neatness, and punctuality?

7. Does this person have any addictions that you find intolerable?

Alcohol? Prescription or recreational drugs? Food? Sex addiction and/or porn? Gambling? Shopping or spending? TV, Internet, or video games?

When we love someone deeply, we love their essence — who they really are. But we all have an ego-wounded self, and the worst version of your partner needs to be tolerable to you. Don't expect them to change. You get what you see.

If, when you go through this list, you find there are things that are not tolerable but you keep hoping they'll change, you're not with the right partner. You need to accept or leave. Expecting change will only lead to heartbreak.

Remember, you need to be the right partner to find the right partner. We attract at our common level of emotional well-being — self-abandonment or self-love. The better you are at loving yourself, the better your chance of attracting and sustaining a loving relationship.