Empathy and Embracing Fear

Empathy & Embracing Fear

LaShelle Lowe Charde

When you sense a threat to your relationship, the first instinct you likely have is to fight for it.  You begin by telling your partner how wrong he or she is to think the relationship is in trouble.  You desperately want to correct his or her view.  Unfortunately, being told s/he is wrong only inspires your partner to fight harder for his or her view.  What started as you carefully naming all the reasons the two of you are good together, escalates into name-calling and blame.  Your partner stomps out and you are left alone, stunned and hurting.

Giving your partner empathy when s/he threatens to leave the relationship, is likely the last thing you want to do in the moment.  A threat to leave is like a big monster, and you hope you can make it go away by not giving it any attention and shoving it into a closet.  It's scary to turn and face what's happening with empathy.  What if your partner thinks you agree?  What if you give empathy and you find you agree?  What if you really hear your partner's needs and you are unwilling or think you are unable to meet them?  What if, and this is likely the scariest one, hearing your partner with empathy reveals that you aren't lovable?

Whatever the biggest fear is for you, being able to name it clearly gives you a chance to work with it in yourself before talking with your partner.  This means calling a time-out and asking your partner to make a date to talk later in the day or the next day.  Let's take a look at the fear of being un-lovable.  Here's what an internal self-empathy dialogue might sound like*:

Hearing my partner say s/he doesn't know if this relationship is going to work I feel my whole body tense up with fear and anger.  What am I telling myself?  I can hear the angry voice yelling about how I don't deserve this after all I have put into this relationship.  I can hear the fear voice talking about what we would do financially and how will the kids would handle it and who gets the pets?  Then back to anger, I sure as hell am not leaving this house, if s/he wants to end this, s/he will have to move out.  Okay, let me take a breath, I am starting to practice my angry speech and that's not helpful.  If I can't come back to mindfulness in a few focused breaths, I will get some exercise to clear my head.

Okay, I am back.  What is most triggering about this?  What am I making it mean?  I ask this question and then just sit in stillness focusing on my breath until the answer comes up by itself.  Ah, there it is, no one will ever love me, that's the most difficult voice, the part of me that isn't sure if I am deserving of love.

Okay, let me breath in love and acceptance to that part of me.  It's okay that it is coming up.  Of course, it would come up at this time.  That's okay.  What are the feelings and needs behind this voice?  I'm feeling fear, grief, and disappointment and I need love, security, and caring.  My "am I lovable" voice is imagining that if my partner ends our relationship that these needs can't be met.  Is that true?  Is there any other relationship in which these needs are met?  Yes, there are these relationships….

There are the people in my life who meet these needs in addition to my partner.  Whenever, the "am I lovable" voice comes up, I am going bring these people to mind.

Even though I feel much more grounded now and back in touch with my lovability, feelings, and needs, I know this conversation will be hard and I will be tempted to fall back into my habit of arguing.  What else can I do to keep our conversation connected?  I will ask if I can call a pause in our dialogue any time I feel myself wanting to argue.  I will also ask my partner to tell me what s/he wants along with what's been missing or gone wrong.  I know that just hearing what's missing or has gone wrong is something I can only hear so much of before defensiveness takes over.  Now I am going to take some time before we talk to look through the feelings and needs list and circle the feelings and needs I think might be up for my partner, so I have a head start on offering empathy.

This process of turning towards what's happening and naming what's true takes courage.  It requires you to be vulnerable and live fully in your experience.  This is living a whole-hearted life.  As you find your courage and turn towards vulnerability in yourself and others with honor and respect, you will experience a precious opening to life energy.  As you awaken to this truth that this precious aliveness is accessed through turning towards vulnerability, habits of arguing, convincing, blaming, and shaming will begin to drop away because you will see the cost of these and not want to pay it.  You will be standing in the truth of connection and trusting it.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on an interaction in which you hear yourself wanting to argue, convince, blame, or shame.  Use the process demonstrated above (or the guide on my website) to turn towards your vulnerability in that interaction.  From a connected place in yourself, ask wisdom and compassion to guide you in taking action that best honors life.

My Directions: A Guide to Maintaining a Happy

Alyssa K. Siegel, MS, LPC –

At the tender age of 36, I seem to have found what feels like the right relationship for me. This process has been intentional at times, unintentional at others. Sometimes graceful and thoughtful and sometimes flailing, groping, bumping into things in the dark. It happened when I least expected it, as I hear these things sometimes do.

“THE LOVE SPACE GIVES IS AS DEEP AS THE OCEANS” BY TARA MCPHERSON

I’ve heard men often joke that they wish women came with manuals. Of course this is too simplistic as every woman, man, and person of gender in-between, is different. But still. There is something to that idea. What if each of us created our own “manual of me”. An autobiography of sorts that provides some background of personal history, the important points that laid the foundation for what was to follow, and then gets to the juicy part, the details not just of who I am and what I am all about now, but of explicitly, exactly, what to do with me.

By details I mean the specifics. Something that follows more of a linear equation. If I feel “A”, and you respond “B”, the outcome will most likely be “C”. If I am acting “X”, it probably means “Y”, and you should do “Z”.  Please don’t do THIS because it makes me feel THAT. Do THIS because it makes me feel THAT. Of course you can (and should) have these conversations out loud and in person. But the benefit of putting it in writing is that it can be referred back to. You can always revise and provide new editions following new information and experiences as well.

The thing is, we all make assumptions, it’s just part of being human. But we do it too often. We assume our partner can read our body language, know what we are thinking, what we need. Then we become angry or hurt, we harbor resentment, when they can’t and don’t. So why not train ourselves instead to assume and expect that they don’t and that we will need to express, convey, explain what we are thinking and what we need. Maybe add the why that is, just for good measure.

I can’t help but wonder just how effective such a system could be in terms of maintaining strong relationships. It contains in my opinion, two factors that are undeniably beneficial if not absolutely necessary; self awareness and communication. Throw a little compassion in the mix and you should be good to go.

Relationships and…, well, I… need daily care and maintenance. I don’t mean to imply that I am “high” maintenance because actually, I don’t think that I am. What I mean is that in your primary relationship, there are things you need to think about and pay attention to every day. Things that cannot be taken for granted no matter how tired, stressed, or grumpy, busy, or distracted you may be. Your child, pet, plants, work (especially if you run your own business as I do), you take care of these things, you nurture them, because you care about them and you want them to be happy and healthy. To flourish. If you start to let these things slip, you will quickly find yourself on a slippery slope that will have fewer and fewer footholds. The longer negative patterns go on, the harder it is to recover from them.

I think that each and every one of us ultimately wants to be known. Deeply known and even then, especially then, accepted. Yes, we all want other things too. We want intimacy, we want love, sex, respect, support. But more than anything, we want to be seen and heard because this is what makes us feel known. We find subtle ways of showing ourselves so that others might see. We write, we display pictures of us or by us, we update our status’ and say what’s on our mind. We broaden the radius to include more people who can see us, or parts of us. All of these things help us feel less alone, less lost and less invisible in this giant world. When we find a partner, someone that both observes us evolving over time and participates in the process of growth (independently and together) it makes us feel deeply known. When that person is loving about it all, it makes us feel safe and totally accepted.

I don’t advise that we all hang our self worth on external validation from others. That’s not what I am saying here. But I am saying that connection is a fundamental part of being human and that in order to feel connected, you need to know yourself (learn), educate and inform others about you (teach), and put the time and effort into knowing them in the same way (study). Ask questions. Check your answers to see if you understood correctly. You will not be tested in the pen and paper sense of the word. But believe you me, you will be tested.

Mindful Dialogue Structure for Tough Issues

Mindful Dialogue Structure for Tough Issues

LaShelle Lowe Charde

Whether you are in a new relationship and facing a tough issue or in a long term relationship and facing communication breakdown, having a reliable structure for dialogue can help you move toward connection with your partner.  While the specific structure and vocabulary offered in Compassionate Communication (NVC) can make connection a whole lot easier, it also takes time and practice to cultivate these skills.  In the meantime, you can still practice the consciousness of NVC and create connection with your partner in a mindful dialogue structure.

The structure I will propose in this article contains a few key elements:

1. Intention:  only have the dialogue if you are grounded in the intention to connect.  If are setting out to convince your partner that you are right and s/he is to blame or wrong in some way, take more time for self-empathy or receiving empathy from someone outside the relationship.
2. Mindfulness:  keep tuning in to body sensations, tone of voice, thoughts, and posture to track your own reactivity and how your partner is responding to your expression.  Maintain enough mindfulness to notice the moment you lose track of your intention to connect and move into defending, attacking, self-blame, or shutting down.
3. Self-responsibility:  do your best to speak from your own experience rather than implicitly believing your interpretations of your partner's behavior.  That is, own the fact that you are making an interpretation when you do so.
4. Listen & Reflect back:  it's just a part of being human that everything you think you hear, see, or otherwise perceive, is distorted by your own biases.  Reflecting back what you hear your partner say prevents myriad problems that arise from distortions and misperceptions.  In addition, hearing you accurately reflect back what's been said, meets all sorts of needs for your partner like companionship, being seen & heard, love, intimacy, connection, and relief.  Lastly, taking time to reflect back what you heard helps your limbic system stay attuned and calm.  Physiological regulation is key to helping you stay mindful.

With these elements in mind, here is a structure* for your consideration.  Choose a time of day to dialogue when you both have optimal resource (that is, you are fed and rested at the very least).  Choose a period of time that seems easily do-able.  It's okay to start small, say, ten minutes.  Commit to a couple of times a week for at least one month.  In the beginning, choose topics that you are pretty sure you won't become reactive around.  You might simply share appreciations, or something about your day at work.  You might also choose to limit dialogues to present time events, until you are confident you both can stick to the structure.  Choose an item that the speaker will hold in his or her hand to signify that he or she is the speaker.  A special pillow or stuffed animal works well.

Once you are sitting down, state out loud that your intention is to connect.  Also, affirm your commitment to the following agreements:

• The speaker will not engage in name-calling and will do his or her best not to blame and criticize.
• The speaker will do his or her best to vulnerably and directly express his or her experience.
• The speaker will speak for only 2 minutes or less and then allow his or her partner to reflect (a timer is useful here).
• At any time, if reactivity is detected, either person can call a time-out without giving any explanation.  Time-outs are immediately respected without questions or further dialogue.  If needed, the dialogue can continue at the next scheduled dialogue date.
• Even if the speaker is asking a question, the listener is only reflecting back. If the listener begins inserting his or her view in the reflection or telling the speaker that she or he is not following the structure, reactivity has taken over and it's time for a time-out.
• The stuffed animal or pillow is only exchanged when the speaker has a sense of being heard and is ready to hear the other.
• Each person spends approximately equal time speaking in each dialogue date.

If you and your partner are struggling to keep your relationship together and are highly motivated to do so, I highly recommend making twice weekly dialogue appointments a priority for the next year.  If you find yourself unable to keep or make this commitment, then there is likely a way you have structured your lives together that is consistently undermining your ability to stay connected.  Remember, keeping agreements isn't just about willpower, it's mainly about the supports you have put in place that allow you to keep that agreement.

Practice

Even if you aren't quite ready to adopt this specific structure, take a few minutes now to reflect on the four key elements named above.  With which ones do you have a sense of consistency and competency?  Is there one to which you would like to bring more attention and practice?  If yes, set your intention to practice that element in the next dialogue with your partner.

Daydream Believer

Adam Neal

Just like the Monkees, many of us Sleepy Jeans experience our strongest wishes and deepest beliefs through our waking dreams. And as impressionable children, we all were scolded at some point by a teacher or relative telling us to “Pay attention!” or “Stop drifting!” or “Get your head outta the clouds!” Even as adults, when we let ourselves wander unabated at work or school, we chastise ourselves or allow others to tether us to the “task-at-hand,” the more productive plane.

But daydreaming is not a mere escape mechanism, an arbitrary foray into la-la land, a state of nothingness, a bad habit to be avoided.

Daydreaming is meditation without intention. It is, like any altered state of consciousness, a direct link between who we think we are and who our souls know us to be. If you doubt the validity of daydreams, break down your next one into its characters, situations, and feelings involved. Is it memory-based, self-created, or one with elements of the other? If so, which way around? Is it about a relationship, a financial goal, a personal wish or triumph?

The most important distinction between night dreaming and day dreaming is AWARENESS. In a night dream our body is controlled solely by our subconscious, or some would solely by our soul. But in a day dream we may be brushing our teeth, walking our dog, eating our lunch, playing a puzzle game. There is a concrete level of “activity,” of physicality that separates daydreaming from its nightly counterpart. And if we practice awareness, our memory of what we dreamt moments earlier while we were at the grocery checkout line or fixing dinner or pulling weeds can be much clearer than the details of our dreams the previous night.

Meditating is intentional daydreaming in a controlled state of surrender. To break this down, “Intentional daydreaming” and “controlled surrender” are not oxymorons when you look through the multifocal lens of intention. Daydreaming is not an arbitrary state of being when it is done with intention. Surrendering one’s body intentionally is best done in a controlled environment.

When we are driving on so-called “autopilot,” engaged in a vivid daydream, and suddenly our brain registers that our exit is approaching, we can often make an immediate shift and switch lanes successfully. We have shifted from a state of receiving to a state of reacting, from conceiving to perceiving, from internal to external.

But sometimes we are too late. We miss our exit and become angry at ourselves for “zoning out,” or being “out of it” and inconveniencing our practical ego — which has important things to do and places to be! We can liken this experience to waking up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stubbing a toe on the bedpost or banging an elbow on the doorframe. We can sooner forgive this type of being “out of it” because we build sleep into our day, and a side effect of sleep is grogginess, a state of being less aware of our physical selves and environment.

In our culture, daytime grogginess or being “out of it” is unacceptable, for it implies imbalance and suggests a probable lack of productivity. Rather than building time into our day to intentionally practice being “out of it,” as it seems to happen naturally anyway, we are encouraged to engage in various forms of activity and believe we are “taking a break.” We read, we play games, we engage in conversations, all of which are healthy diversions from other stress-inducing activities, but all of which require us to do, to be active, to be present. And as we have all experienced, while we engage in these activities, we often do so as a bridge to daydreaming anyway. But we feel the need to subsume this desire for “accidental meditation” through the guise of “getting to the next chapter,” “reaching a new high score,” “learning new information from a stranger.” So many diversions, but all illusory to disguise what we truly need — Peace.

Being at peace and being inactive have been joined semantically in our culture. It may appear that daydreaming is a state of inactivity, but this could not be further from the truth. We are simply being active at a deeper level, in a more subtle, internal way. Being absent and being vacant are as different as being receptive and being passive. The prior are states of intention, the latter are states of inactivity or un-intention.

“Intentional daydreaming,” otherwise known as free or mindful meditation, means actively deciding to engage with the “It” that you and others may decide you are “Out of” as you engage. The “It” when you are “Out of it” is literally your ego, the part of you that operates as a human being with earthly needs. Making this decision is a frightening step, for it means you are acknowledging that there is a part of you which is beyond a human being with earthly needs. You are also a spiritual being with supernatural needs, divine needs. Already, as far as modern society is concerned, you are teetering dangerously close to the edge of sanity. Just as seeking therapy started out as an admission of mental instability before it became acceptable as a productive form of personal maintenance, so too will actively engaging with the supernatural part of oneself be considered an admission of “trouble” for the unenlightened eye of current conservative, externally-minded individuals.

“Controlled surrender” is another imperative aspect of non-ego exploration, of being okay with being “Out of it.” What does it mean to say, “I am letting myself surrender?”

Surrender, to modern-day people squelched by the knowledge of war and touched by the psychology of abandonment, has been transmuted into an act of negativity, inaction, and even death.

In the Bible, the Egyptians surrendered to the Jews prior to the exodus. General Robert E. Lee surrendered to General U.S. Grant in April, 1865, at what became the end of the U.S. Civil War. A bullied child surrenders his lunch money to the bully who oppresses him. But these are external acts of surrender, more recent connotations of a much deeper, more ancient concept.

The true surrender in the story of the exodus is not about the Egyptians at all, nor even the Jews. It is about how Moses surrendered himself to G-d, and in so doing empowered himself and his people to vanquish their oppressors. When Lee, like any army general, surrendered to the opposing forces, he was not surrendering to the Union itself. He was surrendering to the apparent will of the universe which had rendered his side defeated. A bully craves power, to be a false G-d, and the bullied child who surrenders is surrendering to the fear the false G-d instills. All surrendering at the ego level is surrender to a false G-d, an illusion of power at the most marginal, external level.

When you surrender internally, you acknowledge the limitations of purely physical existence and turn off your ego, thus becoming united with the universe. In our physical world of diversions and judgements, it is no longer enough to simply enact surrender, even internal surrender, haphazardly. You can not walk into the middle of an intersection and stop, prepared to dismiss your ego and embrace your non-earthly self. In the current social climate, the only acceptable way to surrender is through awareness of the ego and acceptance of its limitations. Your ego needs to be there to guide you to a safe, stable physical location in which to let you surrender it.

Unlike daydreaming, which is arbitrary, meditating unites your human self with your spiritual self, enabling you to surrender to the incomprehensible, infinite energy of the universe. You can not unite with the divine while you are still concerned with being “Out of it,” and you can not live fully without allowing energy that is different and perhaps more powerful than your own to imbue your physical and spiritual bodies.

For more, see this article in the Telegraph regarding the potential benefits of daydreaming. Taking “daydreaming” to the next level of intentional surrender will be the ultimate test for the potential of humanity.

Who's Abandoning Who?

Who’s Abandoning Who?

LaShelle Lowe Charde

"I feel abandoned," is a phrase I hear often in couples work.  Of course, abandoned isn't technically a feeling.  It is an expression of your interpretation of what someone is doing to you and it implies that important feelings and needs are up.   The feelings are likely; hurt, lonliness, fear, sadness, and/or dissappointment.  The needs are likely for connection, consideration, dependability, reassurance, and/or love.

Abandonment has been one of the biggest pieces of karma with which I have worked.  I call it simply, my abandonment trigger.  Through counseling I became aware of the ways in which my parents abandoned me when I was growing up.  While, this has been important to realize, what has been more important is seeing the ways in which I have abandoned myself.

When you hear yourself say, that you are being abandoned, it can be helpful to check in with whether or not you are abandoning yourself.  In this context I am defining abandoning yourself as disconnecting from your feelings and needs and making decisions accordingly.  When this is done consistently over a period of time, you are left feeling depleted and depressed.

You might have all sorts of reasons for setting your feelings and needs aside.  For example, you might say one or more of the following to yourself: -I shouldn't be upset, it's not that big of a deal
-I agreed to do this so I just have to do it
-S/he will be happy if I just go along with it
-No one else is feeling this way, I shouldn't
-I am the bigger person, I don't have to talk about my needs
-No one wants to hear my feelings and needs so why bother talking

Often these voices are in the background guiding your decisions little by little.  When this goes undetected you might find yourself suddenly feeling angry and resentful and accusing someone close to you of abandoning you or not caring about what you need.

I remember an instance when I found myself in just such a situation.  I made a decision to participate in something that I convinced myself was a fit for me, but in reality was not.  I recognized the abandonment trigger when it went off, feeling the anger, hurt and contraction.  I named it to my partner, but neither of us could get to the real trigger.  A couple of days later through journaling I saw how I had abandoned myself by making decisions in hopes of pleasing others, especially my partner.  I reconnected with the needs that were truly alive for me (which had nothing to do with my partner) and immediately the trigger dissolved.  Suddenly my partner was just doing his thing with no intention to abandon me, which, of course, had been true all along.

Certainly there are times when someone agreed to be there for your needs and leaves without notice that abandonment is truly happening.  What's likely happening more often though is the fear that someone will turn away from you in a moment of vulnerability, or that you are turning away from your own vulnerability.  Use words like abandonment and other like them* as a cue to check in with your interpretations, feelings, and needs.

Practice
This week listen for the voices of abandonment.  Each time you hear them turn toward your experience with compassion and curiosity.  You might say something like, "It's okay to feel this feeling, it's okay to have these needs."  "What am I telling myself right now?"