Forgiving an Ex

How I learned to Forgive  my Abusive Ex Boyfriend

by Taraleigh Weathers

I found compassion and then forgiveness for my ex-boyfriend, Bob. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I in no way think his behavior is OK, and I don’t have any desire to see him again or let him know I've forgiven him. I know in my heart and soul I've forgiven him. Carrying around that bag full of anger is really heavy and I got tired.  

I started the forgiveness journey by taking a look at his life. His mom was the child of an affair between a very powerful man and a woman from the wrong side of the tracks. Bob’s mom spent her whole life trying to prove she was worthy. She was told from a very young age that darker-toned people were lower class than lighter-toned people. She told Bob he was to marry a younger Catholic woman who had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Then I come along into Bob’s life: dark-toned, older and Jewish. I blew her mind. She was certain I was there to destroy Bob’s life, and she treated me that way. Bob was torn between wanting to please his mother and his own happiness. This killed him, and he took out his anger on me.  

Knowing this was how I was able to find forgiveness. Bob was suffering. Happy people don’t treat people the way he treated me, and it's not the way his mom treated him. I felt compassion and forgave them both. I send them love and hope one day they can find happiness. 

Forgiving him and his mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go of the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

After forgiving him, I was able to forgive myself for staying in an abusive situation for so long. I saw how I wanted to make him better, how I saw the best in him and ignored the worst, which is why I accepted his behavior for so long. At the time, I thrived on the excitement of the drama. But I wasn’t happy, if I had been, I wouldn’t have put up with a relationship like that. Eventually I was able to feel compassion for myself, and finally forgiveness came.

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

I’ve come up with seven tactics you can put into practice right away to free yourself from the burden of being unable to forgive.

1. Remember that gratitude is the best attitude.

Happiness lies within; it just gets buried sometimes. Instead of looking for happiness from outside circumstances or people, work on being grateful and bring the happiness out from within you. When you play the victim and focus on all the ways the world has done you wrong, you give them the power over your happiness. Start and end your day by writing down 3-5 things you’re grateful for.  

2. Pray.

We're all inherently good people. Happy people don’t hurt other people; only suffering people do. Pray for the happiness of those who have hurt you.

3. Act with love.

When people act with hate toward you and you respond with hatred, you're a part of the problem. You are a being of love and light. Choose to act that way. Think, “What would love do right now?” and do that. 

4. Find the lesson in everything.

If things are “happening to you” you might want to ask yourself, “What do I need to work on?” or, “What is this about?” Answer the question and get to working on those parts of you right away. There are lessons in everything. 

5. Don't turn to revenge.

Thoughts of getting revenge lower your positive vibrations. When you seek revenge against someone, you put your energy into them and give them the power.

6. Get some perspective.

If life is challenging, gain some perspective.  Whatever you're going through is just a part of your life, not your entire life. You are not your circumstances. This too will pass. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

7. Have a love affair with yourself.

Loving ourselves is the MOST important thing we can do. It's so important because we'll make loving decisions, and we have real love to give and to spread into the world. Imagine what it would feel like if you were as kind to yourself as you were to others.  It would be miraculous how much love you'll have to give.

Remember these ways to forgive someone, and use them to be free from the anger you’re holding.

Use them in case of a forgiveness or anger emergency.

Getting over a Breakup

50 Ways to Get over a Breakup

Deciding to dissolve a marriage or end a relationship can be one of the most painful times in a person's life. Like Paul Simon sang, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. You've chosen one of them. What's next is the process of relearning self-love.

This is a time ripe with possibility and lessons, if you're willing and open to receive the gifts that dissolution brings. One huge gift is the opportunity to remember aspects of yourself that you've forgotten. You may find that you've been searching outside of yourself for a love that can only come from within.

Many of us have experienced pouring our love into our partners, and forgetting to pour that same love into ourselves. A breakup provides the opportunity to choose to spend time taking exquisite care of yourself.

And for those who aren't going through a breakup, it's never a bad time to pour love into yourself so deeply that you have the felt sense of being adored.

Here are 50 ways to be your own lover.

1. Treat yourself to a massage.
2. Take a walk in Mother Nature, noticing Her bounty by focusing on the sounds, scents, sights, and textures She has to offer.
3. Leave one day a week completely unscheduled. Notice (and follow) the creative impulses that arise.
4. Call your best friend and share the qualities you most appreciate about him or her.
5. Smile at a stranger and breathe into the sense of connection between you.
6. Wake up at dawn to meditate.
7. Rub warm oil all over your body and then lay down and be present with the sensations that arise.
8. Drink a cup of warm water with lemon and raw honey each morning (this is how you love your digestive system).
9. Volunteer.
10. Buy lunch for a colleague.
11. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and sip a warm beverage.
12. Snuggle into your most comfortable chair and read purely for fun.
13. When you feel sad, scared, or angry, breathe into it and stay present until the wave of feeling passes.
14. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you, three times a day, to take 5 belly breaths and come home to yourself.
15. Take a leisurely bath (or a really long shower) using products that delight your senses.
16. Eat dessert slowly, savoring the taste, texture, smell, and sight of your food.
17. Practice deep relaxation at least once a week.
18. Spend time in the company of a wise teacher, either in person, by reading a book, or by watching a video.
19. Cultivate a new habit that supports your mind and body (such as yoga, meditation, tai chi, qi gong), and stick to it.
20. Put on your favorite song and have a dance party with yourself.
21. When you feel an emotion, acknowledge it to yourself and breathe into the place where you feel it in your body.
22. When you wake up in the morning, say aloud the things for which you are most grateful.
23. Dance naked to music.
24. Eat more foods that contribute to your felt sense of aliveness, and slowly stop eating those that dampen your energy.
25. Drink more water.
26. Try an activity that in the past has scared you.
27. Notice where you hold yourself back and start to live full out in those places. What would you do if no one was watching?
28. Express yourself as if each day was your last.
29. Forgive yourself for that one thing that you use to beat yourself up.
30. Read yourself a Hafiz poem aloud.
31. Chant or sing the names of the Divine.
32. Draw or paint the way that you feel.
33. Buy something that contributes to your experience of your own beauty.
34. Slow down.
35. Book a vacation and leave your phone at home.
36. Lie on your back with your legs up the wall until you feel completely relaxed.
37. Make time daily for stillness and quiet.
38. Notice those places inside that hurt and bring some love there.
39. Watch your favorite film (no multitasking allowed).
40. Cook yourself a nourishing meal.
41. Take a day trip to a new place.
42. Practice loving-kindness meditation.
43. Read yourself a Rumi poem each morning.
43. Forgive someone.
44. At the end of each day, appreciate something about yourself.
45. Write a poem to the beloved inside of you.
46. Donate to your favorite charity.
47. Love the parts of you that you've found unlovable.
48. Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day and notice the resulting vitality.
49. Put on your favorite song and sing your heart out.
50. Begin to see that everything that happens to you is there to help you learn.

Thai? Yuck. . .Work on Collaboration

It’s a clear Sunday afternoon. You’re on a fun outing driving along with your partner on the perfect day out together. The sun is peeping through the rust colored leaves. Your partner is humming to the crackling radio.

“Where should we eat?”

Perhaps the humming is getting on your nerves. Maybe your attention is focused on slow drivers, winding roads, and a growling stomach. You’re thinking “food” and you’re partner is oblivious to your immediate need.

Already this is not a great set-up for a collaborative process. Ideally you would have made the decision of where to eat before hopping in the car.

Regardless, here you are.

Your partner offers, “Ruby Tuesday?”

You say, “No. Panera?”

Your partner says, “No” and offers something else. This disagreement ‘ping-pong’ happens three or four times until one of you reacts.  The reaction is either a lashing out with criticism or a shut down into a "whatever" attitude.  Your fun outing has just deflated into empty disconnect.

What can you do to stay connected and collaborative when you disagree?  

At the foundation of effective collaboration is the ability to honor the other person's expression.  When your partner says, "What about going to Thai Kitchen?" he or she is making an offering.  Any expression, no matter how mundane the content, is an offering or a sharing of your partner's experience.  If you respond with, "Yuck, not that place!" you’ve emotionally and energetically pushed your partner away.

So how can you disagree and still honor your partner's expression?  

Here are two ideas:-

First, just pausing for a moment to acknowledge your partner's offering can be enough.  You might say something like, "Oh yeah, I remember you saying before that you like that place.  Hmm, I really want to go somewhere you are excited about.”  (Then share what about the offering doesn't work for you).  “I am nervous about Thai Kitchen, though, because I think they use MSG which makes me a bit sick.  Are there any other Thai places that come to mind?"  This one or two sentence acknowledgment is especially useful when you’re trying to decide while driving. Receiving your partner's offering with acknowledgment before sharing your view supports you both in staying open to creative collaboration.  

Second, when you are not in the pressured situation of driving and trying to decide something on the go, greeting your partner's offering with curiosity is another way to meet his/her need. It might sound something like this, "Thai Kitchen, huh, what do you like about that place?"

Stay mindful. When you hear something from your partner you don't like, watch your impulsive reaction. By staying mindful, you can sense the aversion arise and let it move through you without acting on it.   You can then check-in with yourself and find out what you do want rather than just pushing away what you don't want.

Practice

This week practice noticing the impulse to push away something you don't like.  Pushing away might look like complaining, stating a contrary opinion, making a disgust face, looking away, etc.  As you notice the impulse to push away let yourself feel the aversion before taking any action.

Knee-Jerk Negativity

Have you ever caught yourself automatically expressing criticism? Do you default to being contrary? Is your glass half-full but too heavy to hold?

Chances are…if you are a habitual naysayer you may feel yourself become someone you don’t like very much. The more you find fault with another person or idea, the more negative you become and then…the more you find fault.

You feel irritable.

Every little thing seems to annoy you.

What’s happening?

If you are not self-aware and grounded, your whole experience can become a series of reactive lunges, or knee jerks, to and from all that you encounter. You are free when you have enough awareness to notice your impulses and make choices to respond in a way that you truly want.

Interrupting this kind of knee jerk reactivity means pausing and holding yourself still. In that stillness you allow yourself to feel any aversive feelings and question - Will my reaction help me create what I want in this moment?

On a more complex level, knee jerk negativity also arises out of a drive to establish your sense of self. In doing so you hope to meet your needs for security, belonging, and autonomy.  Establishing a sense of self that is whole, integrated, and dynamic is a natural part of any evolving path.  However, trying to establish a sense of self by expressing what you don't like and don't agree with will leave you feeling empty and limp.

Take a pause…take the time to hear what someone says. This not only gives them a sense that you are really listening, but allows you to make a true choice about your response.  In that pause, you might find that you can be curious about perspectives that seem contrary to your own.  

You might come out of a pause and ask a clarifying question.

You might come out of the pause with clarity about your own needs and values.  You could then honor yourself and your listener and ask if she or he is interested in hearing your perspective.

The ability to find stillness and ask for a pause is one of the most important skills you can cultivate.  With this skill you can consistently make decisions that are in alignment with your values and your heart's longing.  With this skill you can transform escalating arguments into collaborative conversations that can respect differences

Practice

This week pick something that you regularly react to with negativity.  Some common examples might be:  other drivers, smoke outside your office window, a co-worker whom you dislike, your child pleading for more video game time, your partner talking about a challenge at work, noise from the neighbors, etc.  Choose one thing and set the intention to be still and simply notice your negative reaction and letting the intensity of it pass so that you can choose how you would most like to respond.

The 3 Biggest Downfalls of Romantic Relationships

The 3 Biggest Downfalls Of Romantic Relationships & How To Avoid Them

We have some crazy ideas about romantic love in our culture. Wanting to feel seen, heard and understood by at least one person in this world is a natural and beautiful longing. Connection is really where it's at, and of course that doesn't have to happen in the context of romantic partnership. Nonetheless, that seems to be the quest of many, and also the place where people tend to tap into their most raw and vulnerable places.

And for those who believe the story ends and the happily-ever-after begins once that special someone is found, reality can be a rude awakening. The beginning of the story is almost always beautiful, heady and exciting, just like it looks in the movies. But when the hormones die down and the dust clears, it's really easy to get derailed and crash into a brick wall, wondering what happened to your fairy tale. The fairy tale takes nurturing and effort.

Here are some ideas to keep your romance alive and your connection deep, whether your relationship is new, or you've been with your partner for years:

1. You can't save people, but you can love them.

Nowhere is a person's "stuff" more likely to show up than in an intimate relationship. Closeness requires vulnerability, and for some people, tearing down those walls can be very scary. Protecting your heart may be something you've needed to do, but if you want someone to really know you, you're going to have to stand there, naked. With all your beauty and all your pain.

Because if you edit stuff out, or push things down, you'll understand in your heart your partner doesn't really know you. If you want to be seen, you have to be willing to show yourself. And in order to create something healthy with someone else, you really need to know yourself, too.

Otherwise how can you articulate what's true for you? What lights you up, or scares you, what you need or want in your heart of hearts? And how can you be accountable when your stuff comes up, which it will?

The ability to recognize what is yours is vital so you can apologize when you need to, so you can explain yourself clearly, so you can work on those areas that may be holding you back, that's one of the huge gifts of relationship. That's the path to true intimacy.

You can't save anyone, but you can create a safe space together to work on becoming your best selves if you're willing to make the space between you sacred and full of love, patience and forgiveness.

2. Everyone is changing all the time, so there's never a reason to get bored.

Did you know one in three traffic accidents happen a mile from a person's house? You could argue that this is because people drive around their own neighborhoods more than anywhere else, but many studies that suggest a person feels a false sense of security in their own 'hood.

Many people do this in relationships. I know this person, I've been with them for years, so I don't really need to sit up and take notice.

Here's the thing: Your partner is changing all the time, just as you are. You are not the same you you were five years ago, one year ago, or even last week, and neither is your partner.

Do you remember how you felt when you met your love? I'm sure you thought they were amazing. Special, kind. You probably noticed things like their hands or their smile or the way they looked at you. It's so easy to stop noticing.

I have a blog and I also stream yoga videos online, and as a result, I get countless emails from people who write in complaining about their partners. If only they'd change, everything would be wonderful.

Really? Because it's easy to focus on someone's faults, just like it's easy to focus on our own.

You can't change your partner, but you can change what you're doing. Are you taking them for granted? Could you do something thoughtful and unexpected today, just because? That's a tangible way you can shift the energy between you, and you might inspire your partner to surprise you in unexpected ways.

3. Listen with your heart.

Infatuation is easy, intimacy is hard. In the middle of a disagreement, so many people wait for their turn to speak, instead of really listening to their partner. Years of history can bubble to the surface in an instant.

The need to be right can be deafening and blinding, and sometimes people dig their heels in so deeply there's no hope for honest communication. As if it's a fight, and their partner is their opponent, and the object is to win.

But a relationship is not a game, and there are no winners when you and the person you love are in pain. You protect your ego, or you protect the relationship. If you want to truly love, that requires your vulnerability, and it takes guts to be naked like that.

So many people confuse love with control and manipulation. But love is about acceptance and a celebration. That doesn't mean there won't be things to work on, because of course there will. It just means that you see people as they are, and you accept them and celebrate them, while also loving yourself.

If you keep nurturing a real connection, doing those things simultaneously, that is, loving your partner and also making sure you're honoring yourself will be natural.

There's so much beauty in true partnership, but it takes effort. For whatever reason, that part doesn't get covered in the fairy tales or the romantic comedies.

Ally Hamilton

10 Common Things That Trigger Chronic Stress

You know that when you’re getting chased by a tiger, you’re almost in a car accident, your “to do” list is overflowing, and you’re burning the candle at both ends, your body’s “fight-or-flight”  stress responses are going to get triggered. But you might not know what else will trigger stress responses in your body, and it’s important that you do!

As I explain in Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself, the body has natural self-repair mechanisms that can fight cancer, prevent infection, repair broken proteins, protect your coronary arteries, and retard aging. But whenever the nervous system is in “fight-or-flight,” the body’s natural self-repair mechanisms are disabled!

The amygdala in your primordial limbic brain is your danger alert signal, and it hasn’t evolved to keep up with modern society, so your amygdala can’t tell the different between dangers that threaten life and limb and perceived dangers that are merely thoughts, feelings, or beliefs in your mind. As a result, your amygdala may be sabotaging your health, and you may not even know it!

So how can you avoid chronic repetitive stress responses? Here are 10 surprising “fight-or-fight”  triggers to avoid:

1. Feelings of loneliness

As a species, we are tribal people, so from a survival perspective, being alone too much can signal the amygdala to trigger stress responses. Makes sense, right? If we’re dependent on the tribe to keep us safe, forebrain feelings of loneliness can activate the amygdala’s danger signal. Scientific evidence suggests that people who are part of a supportive community have half the rate of heart disease when compared to lonely people, and this may explain why.

2. Hunger

If you feel hungry, the message you’re sending your danger-seeking amygdala is “Houston, we have a problem! There’s not enough food!” Of course, your fridge is full of food and maybe you’re 50 pounds overweight, hungry because you’re trying to diet. But your amygdala is not smart. It can’t tell the difference. So boom: you’re in stress response, and your self-repair mechanisms are flipped off.

3. Selling your soul for a paycheck

You know that your job can be stressful. But it’s not so much being busy or working hard that will trigger your “fight-or-flight.”  Sure, even a job you love can stress you out. But you’re much more likely to wind up in chronic repetitive stress response when your integrity is on the line.

4. A pessimistic world view

If you’re a glass-half-empty kind of person, your forebrain is communicating all kinds of scary messages to your amygdala on a regular basis, thoughts like There’s not enough money, or Nothing ever goes my way, or Nobody really loves me, or other Eeyore sorts of thoughts that stimulate stress responses in the body. In fact, optimists have a 77% lower risk of heart disease than pessimists, and this is probably why. 

5. Toxic relationships

While loving relationships and a supportive community are calming to the amygdala and healthy for the body, you’re better off being alone than being in the company of people who stress out your nervous system. When you feel threatened in a relationship- not just physically, but emotionally- your nervous system interprets that as danger.

6. Being a worry wart

Anxious thoughts make the amygdala go ballistic. If you’re filling your brain with worries about the kids, the state of affairs in politics, whether or not your lover is going to break your heart, or how quickly the glaciers are going to melt, you’re certain to trigger stress responses.

7. Childhood traumas

You know those old childhood issues that stick around if we don’t heal them? You may not even realize that subconscious thoughts arising from old traumas may be triggering your amygdala when you don’t even realize it. Triggers such as places, scents, songs, or other sounds that remind you of the trauma may trigger “fight-or-flight,” even if you’re completely unaware that it’s happening.

8. Unforgiven resentments

When you harbor resentments—against your ex, your mother, your boss, whomever—you fuel your amygdala. Resentful thoughts are interpreted by the amygdala just like thoughts of food scarcity or a tiger on the loose.

9. Anger

It’s not just rage that will flip you into “fight-or-flight.”  Even thoughts like Someone just spilled red wine on my white carpet can trigger your limbic system.

10. Feelings of helplessness

The amygdala likes to feel in control—after all, it’s the amygdala’s job to protect you from danger! So feelings of helplessness can land you in “fight-or-flight.”

If reading this list sends you into “fight-or-flight”  just because you’re feeling all 10 of these things right now, don’t despair. This is where you get to be proactive! Awareness is key. Once you start to cultivate awareness of what triggers your own stress responses, you can be mindful about how you tend the garden of your mind so you can keep your amygdala calm and keep your self-repair mechanisms doing what they do best- keeping you healthy!  

Lissa Rankin

Overcoming Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse may not leave scars, but it can cause pain for much longer than physical harm. Many women especially believe that just because they do not suffer from physical abuse by their spouse or partner, they are safe. However, it is not necessarily the case. The scars are mental and can cause a lot of grief and unhappiness. Although more women appear to suffer from emotional abuse, this does not mean that men do not experience mental torture either.

Emotional abuse happens when the other party erodes your sense of self esteem and literally, has a hold over your mind. Your sense of self worth shrinks so much that you no longer dare to challenge what is being said about you. You believe in the stories that are being told. Unfortunately, most of them are not true to begin with. Your partner spins a web of lies to control your behavior and for his or her own selfish motives. It is possible that he or she has an inferiority complex to begin with.

Perhaps, there comes a time when you decide that enough is enough. You refuse to be held hostage by your mental torture. And you want to move on. Fortunately, it is possible to overcome emotional abuse and regain the confidence and control that you may have lost to an abusive partner.

• Dissociate from the past
  There is no point lamenting about what has happened in the past. It is over. Do not deny it either. Just accept that it has happened and that you are now on the road to emotional health. You may not have exercised control over your past but you can take charge over your own future from now on. Look at the past as lessons that point out what you no longer want for yourself.
  
  Admittedly, it will take time to heal from the emotional trauma caused by an abuser, but gradually, you will discover an inner strength and resilience to build a bright future. A change in environment may be helpful for you to de-associate from your past.


• Build self-esteem
  Abusers are constantly hacking away at your self-esteem. When you come out of an abusive relationship it is essential that you rebuild your sense of self-worth. You need to recognize that you can be strong and capable of independent thought.
  
  Surrounding yourself with people who value you is an important part of the healing process. Form your own support group or join an online community that helps support its members to gain strength. It is vital that you remember what makes you a unique and valuable person.


• You hold the power
  Emotional abusers do what they do to gain power over you. Consequently, you feel that you are being controlled and watched over every single movement that you make. You fear making decisions. In fact, you find it difficult to make one without consulting your partner. You lose confidence in your own abilities, incapable of rational thinking.
  
  The important thing is to understand that you are the only person who has power over yourself. One reason why you have been subjected to emotional abuse is that you have handed your power over to your partner. In reality, no one can make you do anything if you do not let them. Realize that only you hold the power. Look for ways to empower yourself.


• You know what is right for you
  You are the only person who knows what is best for you. An emotional abuser will want you to make decisions that are self serving for his or her interest. However, such a decision may not be in line with yours. As much as you care for a harmonious relationship, you need to take an alternate decision if your inner knowing tells you otherwise.
  
  Hence, it is your job to take care of your own needs. It is not about being selfish, but about establishing certain boundaries. No one leads your life for you. Do what feels right. Trust your intuition.


• You can only control yourself
  One reason that many women stay in abusive relationships is because they think they can help their partner change. A period in time will lapse and they would find that they remain stuck and with no signs of improvement in their partner.
  
  The truth is that you cannot make anyone change, you can only control the way you react to them. Instead, focus on improving your own life. In doing this you will discover your own self worth. You can then decide whether or not your partner is compatible with your new lifestyle.


• Spend Time Setting boundaries and expectations
  People often expect a speedy recovery after being in an abusive relationship. If they do not allow themselves enough time to heal they will often fall into another abusive relationship. It is clear to see that they have not learnt their lessons. They continue to attract the same kind of relationships that have them feeling needy.
  
  Hence, it is important that you spend time setting boundaries and expectations for treatment in future relationships, before diving into a new one. Commit to a decision that you do not want to enter into any unhealthy liaisons any more. If you are clear in what you want, you are more likely to attract a loving and kind partner, unlike the one that you have been used to.


• Do what makes you feel good
  Initially, you will feel free from coming out of an abusive relationship. However, you may start to experience insecurity because you do not know how to occupy your time. For this reason, it is important that you do not hang around by your phone, hoping that your partner will call and beg for forgiveness.
  
  Instead, find things to do that makes you feel happy. Take a class or pick up a hobby. Try to recall what it is that you have always wanted to explore. With no one telling you what to do or holding you back, the possibilities are endless.

In conclusion, it is important to have a vision of who you would like to become once you have regained control of your life. If it helps, look for role models. No longer will you be controlled without your permission. Most definitely, do what it takes to gain a sense of self empowerment.

Do not be afraid to ask for assistance from others either. You need time to heal and getting some form of support is always a good idea. You have the choice to make things right. Your future is bright; do not let anyone take that away from you!

-Evelyn Lim