Conversation Starters

Want to spend some quality time together, but never sure what to talk about?
Here are some great conversation starters based on ideas from  Gary Chapman author of The Five Love Languages.

1. What is one of your favorite stories that your parents tell about you?

2. Describe  one of your favorite memories that includes snow.

3. What was something you really wanted but weren't allowed to own as a child/teen?

4. If someone told you that you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do with those 9 minutes?

5. If could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?

6.  Describe the happiest day of your life.

7. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heartbreak or have never loved before?

8. What is the first thing you notice about people?

9.  Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?

10. What is your definition of success?

11. If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

12. What is your favorite kind of candy?

13. What would you say is the worst item sold in a store?

14. If you were a serial killer, how would you choose your victims?

15, Which of Snow White's 7 dwarfs describes you best and why? (Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey)

16. What is your number one turn-off in a guy/girl?

17.  What strange pet peeve or fear do you have that no one else has?

18.  What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween?

19. If you could have personally witnessed one even in history, what would you want to have seen?

20.  If you could have any view from your bedroom window, what would it be?

Happy Chatting!
L

Reactive?

Defining Reactivity

Being able to name clearly some key aspects of reactivity as it arises can prevent escalation and keep you grounded.  Reactivity as I am using it in the context of Compassionate Communication refers to any form of disconnect from your own or another's life energy.  The internal experience of reactivity is marked by the following:

• Unconscious contraction or collapse of your body and energy
• An inability to consciously consider and evaluate multiple views of a given situation.
• A loss of awareness and honor of your own needs and/or the needs of others.
• A lack of willingness to seek or accept feedback from others.

This isn't an exhaustive list, but rather some of the basic categories.  What else do you notice in your experience of reactivity?

On the outside, reactive behaviors can be categorized into four types: defend, attack, submit, and withdraw.

• Defend:  in defending you offer all the good reasons you have for doing what you did and try to show that you are not wrong or bad.
• Attack: when attacking you make a case for how the other person is wrong or bad in some way.
• Submit:  when you submit, you believe and take on others' negative judgments of you and apologetically take the blame regardless of your true responsibility.
• Withdraw.  In withdrawing you find yourself moving away or shutting down, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally.

In which of the four reactions, defend, attack, submit, or withdraw, do you most often find yourself?  With what body language, behavior, thoughts, and words, do you express that reaction?  Once you notice you are in reaction what is your de-escalating strategy?

Practice
At least one time this week notice when you find yourself in one of these reactions. See if you can watch the reaction without acting from it. Then start guessing the thoughts, feelings and needs that are alive for you underneath the reaction (self-empathy). After connecting with your feelings and needs decide what action/request you want to make of yourself or someone else to meet your needs.

LaShelle Charde

20 Things you shouldn't tolerate

By Jason Wachob

Have you ever felt that you've been settling for less -- that you  deserve better? You'll want to check out this list of 20 things you shouldn't tolerate from Marc and Angel Hack Life:

1. People who bring you down.

2. A work environment or career field you hate. 

3. Your own negativity

4. Unnecessary miscommunication.

5. A disorganized living and working space. 

6. Your own tardiness. 

7. Pressure to fit in with the crowd. 

8. An unhealthy body. 

9. Fear of change.

10. All work and no play. 

11. People or beauty ads that make you feel inadequate.

12. Not getting enough sleep. 

13. Doing the same exact thing over and over again. 

14. Personal greed. 

15. A mounting pile of debt.

16. Dishonesty.

17. Infidelity.

18. An unsafe home.

19. Being unprepared. 

20. Inaction.

What You Seek is Seeking You!

BY EMILY FLETCHER

Do you know the difference between a goal and a desire? 

A desire is something that feels bubbly and exciting when you think about it. As in, Oh, having that would kick so much a#%!!! 

A goal is the "I have to" version of desire. A goal is, I have to lose 10 pounds this year. 

A desire to feel sexy can quickly turn into a goal of losing ten pounds. As much as we can, we want to keep ourselves in that sweet space of desire because when we start to feel the vibrational quality of our desire, we start to call it into our lives. Rumi says it best:  

"What you seek is seeking you."

I love this so much! First of all, it’s true. And also: it’s more fun to believe that what you seek is seeking you. Your desires are divinely inspired.  You wouldn’t have had the desire in the first place if nature didn’t put it there.  But how do we loosen the death grip on our goals?

Meditation can help. Once we start getting to the chair (aka meditating every day), we stop being under the illusion that happiness lies on the other side of any one desire coming to fruition. We start to access bliss on a visceral level every day (preferably twice a day). Then our desires become Nature’s way of using us as a fulfillment delivery vehicle. 

Once you start meditating, you develop an all-access pass to bliss and fulfillment in the only place that it actually resides (inside you), then you're able to use your desires as Nature’s GPS, telling you how and where to deliver your goods.  

So, how do we apply this? 

The first step is to ask yourself: What do I WANT to do? 

Then, instead of turning it into a goal (thinking I HAVE to do this), which will cause the fun, bubbly feeling to dissipate, we want to keep ourselves in the realm of desire by consciously reminding ourselves that what we seek is also seeking us.

PS: This doesn’t mean sit around and wait for your dreams to land on your doorstep. You have to take inspired action. This is simply an important reminder that your happiness does not lie on the other side of a job, a boyfriend, or a proposal. Your happiness exists RIGHT NOW, inside of you. 

The paradoxical thing that starts to happen is the more you practice this, the easier it is for your desires to find you. Probably because taking the pressure off each individual event or thing allows you to stop panicking long enough to see your desires and opportunities when they arrive.  

So, what do you think is seeking you?

Is surppressed anger making you sick?

BY COURTNEY PROSSER

In its purest form, anger is concentrated balls of fire that bubble up from our depths. These balls of fire are our deepest passions, our life force, our fuel for change and one of the most useful superpowers available to us in life!

Suppress your fire and you mute your power as a human being. You may also be making yourself unwell and unhappy. At the core of much unhappiness, cancers, inflammatory responses and autoimmune diseases is suppressed anger that hasn't been released.

My past tendency with fire was to suppress it; I used to be addicted to being the helpful peacemaker. I loved the identity of being cool with everything. My mind would say, “Yeah that's fine, no problem, I'm cool with that,” yet at the same time my gizzards were firing up and saying “Hell no, that's not fair, what about me, back off buddy”. 

Unfortunately, the backlog of fire would eventually burst out through a passive-aggressive look, an outburst of defiance or aninflamed body part! Sound familiar?

Over the years, through trial and error and making lots of so-called mistakes along the way, I've slowly learned to love my fire. It only took a few burned relationships and some mild chronic inflammatory illness to finally wake up! 

So here's what I have learned about mastering your anger and, in turn 

1. Stop.

Think of the last time you flashed red with anger. Stop, open, breathe and welcome the fire energy to continue to move through you. Let anger be your signal to stop circling in the story and fully open to the energy that has been triggered. Directly experience the fire without the story.

2. Try indirect expression.

You may need to physically move a strong charge of fire before you can express it clearly. So find a safe space and move your body, breathe, dance, breathe, run, breathe, sing, breathe, scream into a pillow or roar like a tiger to release the charge of energy. Did I mention breathe? Write a letter without sending it, in order to release what you're feeling.

3. Follow up with direct expression. 

Anger alerts us to what bothers us, so express with honesty how you feel about an angering situation. A great way to do this is to own your feelings (I feel...) and speak in terms of your passion. Let the person know what's important to you, rather than attacking what the object of your anger has done or said. Practice mastering the fine balance between aggressive, assertive and passive communication. Give yourself room for error.

4. Own your anger.

Acknowledge the mirror that other people's words and actions reflect about ourselves. Acknowledge where you may have treated yourself in a similar way and thus attracted the same behavior externally. This requires you to take responsibility for the feelings that have been triggered in a situation.

5. Change. 

Use the fire energy as fuel to make any changes in your relationships, career and personal life that align you with your true passions.

Let your fire unleash with acceptance, honesty, maturity and love, and enjoy the health and happiness it creates.

Tips for keeping your relationship exciting

BY SUMMER RAYNE OAKES

No matter what way you slice it, relationships with significant others always require work. Even the best ones can grow a little too… well… comfortable, which is why I was stoked when my good friend Kate Dillon recently opened up in a conversationabout what can keep a marriage (or any intimate long-term relationship for that matter) exciting.  

As Kate says, “It’s about finding that formula that works for you.” Every relationship is indeed different, but here are eight ideas from the conversation that we think will help bring excitement and longevity to any relationship. 

1. Stay intellectually stimulated.

Think about what makes a man (or a woman) irresistible. I’m sure we can draw up a number of physical traits, but after having conversations with a number of friends, most — if not all — always seem to mention the importance of mental stimulation. “I think staying intellectually engaging is more important for women,” says Kate. “I don’t want to feel as if I’m the only one bringing ideas to the table.” 

2. Be active.

If sex is the only physical “activity” that you or your partner engage in, then something needs to change. Being active to stay healthy and fit isn't just a favor you can do for yourself, but it’s also a pleasure for your partner. Kate and I both feel that it’s particularly challenging dating someone who doesn’t have an active lifestyle. Working out regularly, whether together or separately, can introduce another level of energy and attraction between two partners. 

 

3. Be romantic.

After being with a partner for a long time, we can often take him or her for granted. It’s important not to lose the romance. And when I say romance, I don’t mean sending a sexy text message (though that can be nice too). Romance often involves a continued, inspired and sustained set of actions that remind your partner how much you care for him or her. Sending flowers periodically to the workplace, leaving missives under the door or writing poetic verse (even if over email) may sound old school, but I’ve found that these are highly appreciated and often returned in kind.

4. Cook together.

Everyone always appreciates a good meal, especially if it’s home cooked. Plan and prepare a special meal together. You may be surprised how it feels more like a romantic ritual than a chore. 

5. Gift an experience.

Instead of giving physical objects as gifts during the holidays, try gifting activities that can stimulate your partner or that you can do together. Perhaps it’s a ticket to see live music or a surprise weekend trip. “My friend gave her husband a knife blacksmithing class for Christmas,” Kate told me. “That’s really hot!” 

6. Be spontaneous.

 

Nothing shakes up monotony like a bout of spontaneity. Though many of us like to plan everything out, sometimes being too calculated discourages excitement. Take a road trip for the weekend; book a hotel nearby to change the scenery; or take off early one day to catch a movie or see a museum. 

7. Inspire each other.

One of the things I love about being in a relationship is not only inspiring my significant other, but also being inspired by him. When two people come together, particularly two deeply engaged individuals, it’s imperative that inspiration flows freely throughout. If anything, it will offer a support base for each person’s life work. 

8. Laugh it up.

Humor can go a long way, if only to break up the more serious matters that crop up in a relationship. My grandparents have been married for 60 years, and I don’t think a day goes by without my grandpa cracking a joke or my grandmother teasing my grandfather. If anything, having a sense of humor can help diffuse tension and add some spice to life. 

10 signs you're gluten intolerant

By Dr. Amy Myers
January 22, 2013 5:19 PM EST

More than 55 diseases have been linked to gluten, the protein found in wheat, rye, and barley. It’s estimated that 99% of the people who have either gluten intolerance or celiac disease are never diagnosed.

It is also estimated that as much as 15% of the US population is gluten intolerant. Could you be one of them?

If you have any of the following symptoms it could be a sign that you have gluten intolerance:

1. Digestive issues such as gas, bloating, diarrhea and even constipation. I see the constipation particularly in children after eating gluten.

 

2. Keratosis Pilaris, (also known as ‘chicken skin’ on the back of your arms). This tends be as a result of a fatty acid deficiency and vitamin A deficiency secondary to fat-malabsorption caused by gluten damaging the gut.

 

3. Fatigue, brain fog or feeling tired after eating a meal that contains gluten.

 

4. Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease such as Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Rheumatoid arthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Lupus, Psoriasis, Scleroderma or Multiple sclerosis.

5. Neurologic symptoms such as dizziness or feeling of being off balance.

 

6. Hormone imbalances such as PMS, PCOS or unexplained infertility.

 

7. Migraine headaches.

 

8. Diagnosis of chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. These diagnoses simply indicate your conventional doctor cannot pin point the cause of your fatigue or pain.

 

9. Inflammation, swelling or pain in your joints such as fingers, knees or hips.

 

10. Mood issues such as anxiety, depression, mood swings and ADD.

 

How to test for gluten intolerance?

Being gluten intolerant, here is an article I wanted to share from Dr. Amy Myers:

 

I have found the single best ways to determine if you have an issue with gluten is to do an elimination diet and take it out of your diet for at least 2 to 3 weeks and then reintroduce it. Please note that gluten is a very large protein and it can take months and even years to clear from your system so the longer you can eliminate it from your diet before reintroducing it, the better.

The best advice that I share with my patients is that if they feel significantly better off of gluten or feel worse when they reintroduce it, then gluten is likely a problem for them.  In order to get accurate results from this testing method you must elimination 100% of the gluten from your diet.

How to treat gluten intolerance?

Eliminating gluten 100% from your diet means 100%. Even trace amounts of gluten from cross contamination or medications or supplements can be enough to cause an immune reaction in your body. 

The 80/20 rule or “we don’t eat it in our house, just when we eat out” is a complete misconception. An article published in 2001 states that for those with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity eating gluten just once a month increased the relative risk of death by 600%.

Still unsure?

Seek out an integrative practitioner or functional medicine physician to help to guide you.

5 Ways to Stay Independent & Maintain a Strong Relationship

By Summer Rayne Oakes

As a strong, independent woman, I recognize the need for autonomy in my own life — in and out of a romantic relationship. And as a close friend of Kate’s — who is another self-reliant, freethinking individual — I couldn’t help but inquire about how she manages being a wife and mother. “I am still working through the transition,” she confided. “[I realized] we had to be partners and get past the love part. The love part becomes the foundation you rely on when things get tough.”

After the conversation, we came up with five ways to be autonomous while maintaining a strong relationship. Ironically, I feel that preserving some of your independence only gives a relationship more strength, spontaneity and longevity.

1. Take a time out. 

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in a relationship, particularly if you're spending your time tending to the needs of other people and forgetting your own. When you identify this, do yourself a favor and take a time out. Go read a book, take a walk in the park, get a massage, or even take a hot shower to have some quiet time.

2. Don’t forget your friends.

How many times have you heard friends complain that they never see you anymore ever since you’ve been hitched? The strong bond you build with your friends is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. After all, to whom can you turn if the waters get a little turbulent with your significant other? Make the time for close friends — even if it’s one day a week. A girl’s or guy’s night out may just be the recipe for a successful relationship in the long run. 

3. Have your own hobbies.

As much as it's important to have activities that you do with one another, it's also vital to maintain your own sense of self through activities that speak to your individuality. Perhaps you and your counterpart love to run together, but he or she can’t stand yoga. That’s ok. Explore the activities that bring you together and don’t be afraid to continue to do the ones that give you a sense of self. 

4. Have some alone time.

Beyond taking a time out, it's important to give yourself an extended vacation from life once in a while. “I need a lot of time by myself to recharge,” Kate admits. This may mean taking a retreat away to another city or training for a triathlon or half-marathon, which gives you an extended amount of time to let your mind wander. 

5. Communicate openly. 

Communicating openly with your loved one is far and away the most important aspect to the health and longevity of any relationship. Even if you don't see eye-to-eye all the time, there's an undeniable power behind telling your counterpart when you feel as if you need time away. This will only add to a deeper understanding of your needs, and often will result in a compromise that you can both agree on.