Sunday, November 13, 2016

Should I have broken up with my ex?

Breakups are the pits. I’ve been through it and it’s never fun.
The worst part is the nagging doubt that creeps in…often running circles in your mind…questioning your decision to move on.
Should you have ended it?
Rather than telling yourself not to think about it (good luck with that), ask yourself these questions to productively process if giving the relationship a second go is worth it.

1.  Are you in love with him or the idea of him?
Sometimes there’s a desire for an actual person, and other times there’s a desire to have a person fill the loneliness. And that’s okay. I don’t believe we’re really wired to be alone. Pay attention to your feelings and see if they are coming from a place of clarity. Sometimes getting caught up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text or having someone to take to an upcoming party causes you to lose perspective.

If you don't think it's just loneliness, really consider the qualities your person has. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportion in our minds; Are the things you love about this man reality, or just longing for who you desire him to be? What specifically do you miss?
2. What were the reasons that led you to break up in the first place?
You might miss him now, but there was a reason to end the relationship in the first place. Was it over something substantial like infidelity or religious beliefs? Has anything happened to make you think those issues have been resolved?
Did you have lousy communication?
Remind yourself of how those difficulties made you feel. That leads into the next question -


3. What would a relationship with him look like now?
If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he's on one coast and you're on the other, is that something you're willing to make work? And if a larger mitigating factor, such as distance, isn't an issue, then assess if you're really ready for a fresh relationship. Sure, you know the guy already. Getting back together can be a fresh start, but it also doesn't magically fix lingering issues you had from your previous attempt.
4. Do you see a future together?
It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leading up to the breakup (or even post-breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one: whether or not there's a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. If you're going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.
Answer these questions honestly. Also, your ex is not the last man left on earth. You may be feeling sadness, regret or guilt now,  but try and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

And if there is a chance to rekindle…by all means go for it! I believe in second chances (as long as no hard boundaries were crossed).

Monday, October 31, 2016

Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice
Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:
1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.
We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.
We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.
How do you feel about yourself when you are together?
Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.
2. There is no perfect person.
Wait! What?
Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.
Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.
3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.
Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.
Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.
Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.
We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

L

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Look within

When the night turns grey
and the moon begins her glow
howl at her beauty and
beckon the dawn of the new day
for it is within this rebirth that
you will discover all there
ever really is

lies within you

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Life is too short....

Life is too short to deal with Asshats.

Asshats. 

I’m pretty sure you know one. I’m even pretty sure you’ve been one.

A-hole.

Ever met one who is described as selfish and is chronically inconsiderate?  How did you handle the A-hole? Just in case you’ve misplaced your Tips for Dealing with Asshats notepad I’ll offer some tidbits below:

1. Selfishness: Being selfish isn’t always a negative. After all, you do need to focus on your goals and take care of yourself. But there are those who are consistently inconsiderate of other people’s feelings and those who lack compassion. These are the Narcissistic A-holes. Their mantra is “me, me, me, me” and they aren’t switching tunes any time soon. You can try calling them on their behavior in hopes it will dull the egocentric selfish shine, but chances are you will end up with a matte finish of self-seeking narcissism.

2. Bulldozing: Asshats can be known for their bullying of others when they don’t get their own way. This type of A-hole is quick to criticize and shrugs off cooperative communication. There is nothing you can do to change them, but you will feel better if you stand up to them and disregard their intimidating comments.

3. Slothism: This lazy Asshat is a do nothing and will do nothing. Unmotivated, uncommitted, unwilling and unmoved. They don’t care and probably never will unless they are shown some tough love. This languid A-hole is late to work, contributes nothing and relies on others to pick up the slack. To deal with this type of Asshat document everything, call them on it and report them (at work).

Asshats present as both genders, races and socioeconomic classes. They are everywhere. They make the lives of those around them intolerable.
If you can’t manage them – leave them.

Life is far too short.


Thursday, October 6, 2016

You are dying

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards
You are going to die.
We all are; though most of us spend our lives pretending that we will live forever.
Stop kicking happiness down the road.
Stop putting off that dream vacation.
Stop letting fear hold you back.
Just stop.
Regret is a much bigger monster to face than fear.
Tell someone you love him. Isn’t it a beautiful thing to be loved?
Eat the last bite of cake. Walk an extra 20 minutes to burn the calories if you must.
Train for an event you never think you’ll finish.
I have friends waiting to live.
I have clients with end-of-life timelines who realize that life is too short.
Embrace your now with intensity and purpose.


If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. ~Larry McMurtry, Some Can Whistle

L

Monday, September 26, 2016

I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.


L

Five Dimensions of Touch

The Five Dimensions of Touch: The Key to Bypassing Sexual Power Struggles  By Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. “Are we going to have sex or not?” ...