Thai? Yuck. . .Work on Collaboration

It’s a clear Sunday afternoon. You’re on a fun outing driving along with your partner on the perfect day out together. The sun is peeping through the rust colored leaves. Your partner is humming to the crackling radio.

“Where should we eat?”

Perhaps the humming is getting on your nerves. Maybe your attention is focused on slow drivers, winding roads, and a growling stomach. You’re thinking “food” and you’re partner is oblivious to your immediate need.

Already this is not a great set-up for a collaborative process. Ideally you would have made the decision of where to eat before hopping in the car.

Regardless, here you are.

Your partner offers, “Ruby Tuesday?”

You say, “No. Panera?”

Your partner says, “No” and offers something else. This disagreement ‘ping-pong’ happens three or four times until one of you reacts.  The reaction is either a lashing out with criticism or a shut down into a "whatever" attitude.  Your fun outing has just deflated into empty disconnect.

What can you do to stay connected and collaborative when you disagree?  

At the foundation of effective collaboration is the ability to honor the other person's expression.  When your partner says, "What about going to Thai Kitchen?" he or she is making an offering.  Any expression, no matter how mundane the content, is an offering or a sharing of your partner's experience.  If you respond with, "Yuck, not that place!" you’ve emotionally and energetically pushed your partner away.

So how can you disagree and still honor your partner's expression?  

Here are two ideas:-

First, just pausing for a moment to acknowledge your partner's offering can be enough.  You might say something like, "Oh yeah, I remember you saying before that you like that place.  Hmm, I really want to go somewhere you are excited about.”  (Then share what about the offering doesn't work for you).  “I am nervous about Thai Kitchen, though, because I think they use MSG which makes me a bit sick.  Are there any other Thai places that come to mind?"  This one or two sentence acknowledgment is especially useful when you’re trying to decide while driving. Receiving your partner's offering with acknowledgment before sharing your view supports you both in staying open to creative collaboration.  

Second, when you are not in the pressured situation of driving and trying to decide something on the go, greeting your partner's offering with curiosity is another way to meet his/her need. It might sound something like this, "Thai Kitchen, huh, what do you like about that place?"

Stay mindful. When you hear something from your partner you don't like, watch your impulsive reaction. By staying mindful, you can sense the aversion arise and let it move through you without acting on it.   You can then check-in with yourself and find out what you do want rather than just pushing away what you don't want.

Practice

This week practice noticing the impulse to push away something you don't like.  Pushing away might look like complaining, stating a contrary opinion, making a disgust face, looking away, etc.  As you notice the impulse to push away let yourself feel the aversion before taking any action.

Knee-Jerk Negativity

Have you ever caught yourself automatically expressing criticism? Do you default to being contrary? Is your glass half-full but too heavy to hold?

Chances are…if you are a habitual naysayer you may feel yourself become someone you don’t like very much. The more you find fault with another person or idea, the more negative you become and then…the more you find fault.

You feel irritable.

Every little thing seems to annoy you.

What’s happening?

If you are not self-aware and grounded, your whole experience can become a series of reactive lunges, or knee jerks, to and from all that you encounter. You are free when you have enough awareness to notice your impulses and make choices to respond in a way that you truly want.

Interrupting this kind of knee jerk reactivity means pausing and holding yourself still. In that stillness you allow yourself to feel any aversive feelings and question - Will my reaction help me create what I want in this moment?

On a more complex level, knee jerk negativity also arises out of a drive to establish your sense of self. In doing so you hope to meet your needs for security, belonging, and autonomy.  Establishing a sense of self that is whole, integrated, and dynamic is a natural part of any evolving path.  However, trying to establish a sense of self by expressing what you don't like and don't agree with will leave you feeling empty and limp.

Take a pause…take the time to hear what someone says. This not only gives them a sense that you are really listening, but allows you to make a true choice about your response.  In that pause, you might find that you can be curious about perspectives that seem contrary to your own.  

You might come out of a pause and ask a clarifying question.

You might come out of the pause with clarity about your own needs and values.  You could then honor yourself and your listener and ask if she or he is interested in hearing your perspective.

The ability to find stillness and ask for a pause is one of the most important skills you can cultivate.  With this skill you can consistently make decisions that are in alignment with your values and your heart's longing.  With this skill you can transform escalating arguments into collaborative conversations that can respect differences

Practice

This week pick something that you regularly react to with negativity.  Some common examples might be:  other drivers, smoke outside your office window, a co-worker whom you dislike, your child pleading for more video game time, your partner talking about a challenge at work, noise from the neighbors, etc.  Choose one thing and set the intention to be still and simply notice your negative reaction and letting the intensity of it pass so that you can choose how you would most like to respond.