Monday, September 26, 2016

I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.


L

Saturday, September 24, 2016

The girl who doesn't need anyone

What to Expect When You Fall for the Girl Who's Used to Never Needing Anyone

By Anna Bashedly

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.


This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.


She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave.


I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.


Thursday, September 8, 2016

Smartphones are the death of communication

The way we communicate has changed significantly over the past few decades. As someone born in the 70s, I grew up with the options of face-to-face, telephone (attached to the wall) or the written word.  Period.
Now, many kids never learn cursive writing and most homes don’t have a landline telephone at all.  A lot of communication, even face-to-face, is virtual.
As a therapist who practices relationship counseling, I find that the explosion of communication devices may have its advantages, but the misuse, or overuse, of those devices can be very destructive for couples.
Unfortunately, with the popularity of online dating sites, many couples ‘meet’ each other through text messages on their Smartphones, and texting becomes their default means of communication.
Here are a few ways in which our phones are often used inappropriately in relationships:

Engaging in high conflict discourse via text 

Texting is not an appropriate means of communication when dealing with sensitive issues.  It lacks context and is vulnerable to misinterpretation. You can’t hear someone’s tone, see their facial expression, their lilt or emphasis on certain words. And then there are the frequent errors thanks to overzealous auto-correct programs that can lead to either hilarity or crisis. Texting should be used for simple messages such as, “I will be 5 minutes late” or “Could you please pick up some milk?” If there is something important you need to resolve, wait until, ideally, you can discuss it in person.  If you worry you will get too emotional to talk, write down what you want to say and read it, or if you have to, give it to your partner to read.

Engaging with others via smartphone while with your partner

All too often, one member of a couple complains that the other is always on his/her phone, even when they are spending time together.  This partner feels devalued, ignored and rejected.  The accused often suffers from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), or work-related pressure to be connected and responsive at all times.  When you’re spending time together, your partner has to be your priority.  If you can’t turn off your phone and spend time alone with your partner, you have to ask yourself why? Work responsibilities can often seem overwhelming, but no one, short of the President of the United States, should have to be accessible 24/7. It also isn’t healthy for anyone to deprive themselves of physical and mental breaks from their work. Having to be on one’s phone constantly during waking hours suggests to me that one’s life is dangerously out of balance.

Spending more time playing games on your phone

 
Doing this during leisure time than spending time with your partner?  It is shocking how much time many people spend playing video games or engaging in betting and sports pools at the expense of their partner.  It is only natural that someone in a high-stress job involving a lot of interaction wants to disengage at night to unwind, but this doesn’t have to be done alone in front of a screen.  Creating intimacy with your partner doesn’t have to involve deep conversation.  Snuggle up in front of a movie, listen to music and/or read together, or do yoga or meditation.
We are all social beings that need connection.  While the explosion of communication technologies can help connect you to others who are far away, they can also easily disconnect you from the person you are closest to.  Prioritize your partner and your relationship. Set limits on how, and how much you use your Smartphone.

Erica Berman

Five Dimensions of Touch

The Five Dimensions of Touch: The Key to Bypassing Sexual Power Struggles  By Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. “Are we going to have sex or not?” ...