Why does a man treat you badly?

“l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man treats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – was he born with (or been given) a natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl? Maria”

Here’s my answer:

Maria – men treat women badly for lots of reasons.  They’re angry and don’t know how to deal with it…they’re afraid…but it DOESN’T MATTER.

If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.

There are lots of old sayings about this… most of them are about blame and shame and fault – and I’d like to stay away from all that.

We’re all here learning.  We’re all feeling our way through our lives, doing the best we can, experiencing being triggered all the time and feeling the pressure of our old habits and traumas and fears.  There’s just no point in assigning “blame.”

It’s all about responsibility, and owning your experiences, owning your feelings, and being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can.  Trying to “analyze” a man so you can “understand” him often leads to making excuses for him and does you no good…

There’s a song lyric:

“Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly…and I love you madly…you really have a hold on me…”

When I think back on my love life – how this was me so much of my life – that I had no idea that a man I liked would truly want me – that the world was divided into men who wanted me that I didn’t want and men I wanted who didn’t want me (or only wanted me for now) – I see how this PAIN of love has been drilled into us.

We were all raised on Torch songs.  We were all raised on hopeless romance.

We were all raised to not RECOGNIZE bad treatment. To make excuses for it.  To find underlying, psychological reasons for it.  To blame OURSELVES for it – as though we provoked it (like so much you can read about what people think about Rhianna and Chris Brown – that she somehow is responsible for what happened to her by “provoking” him).

As a crisis counselor helping rape survivors – it was just heartbreaking to see (and experience) the self-blame and self-torture women who’d been abused and been at the receiving end of violence took on themselves (ourselves).

We think things are our FAULT.  And they’re not.  There is no “fault.”  Sometimes you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time – and sometimes the lesson (because you have to see EVERYTHING as a lesson in order to transform awful-feeling experiences into better-feeling one next time) – is to take better care of ourselves.

The most major reason why we try to assign “fault” and “blame” is our need for CONTROL and MASTERY.  When we’re in a situation that feels bad but we feel paralyzed and trapped and unable to move – the only way we can “compute” this in our brains is to say “It’s all my fault.”  At least, then, we have some kind of answer.

But it’s NOT the answer.

This is subtle, I know – talking about owning and responsibility as DIFFERENT from fault and blame – but i want you to really GET the difference here, because it’s actually HUGE.

So – if a man is treating you badly – In a “minor’ way by not being present when he’s with you, or not calling, or not following up, or forgetting things, or paying too much attention to other women in the room, so many other ways men distance themselves, or test us, or simply display their decision to not care about us properly…or in a “major” way with insults, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse and cheating…then instead of looking for “fault” or “blame” – just ask yourself:

“Why am I here?”

Just make this your simple process:

1. Experience – actually, truly, totally experience how YOU feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.

2.  If it doesn’t feel good – notice it.  Write about it.  Speak it out loud to yourself – until you can put it together in words to speak it directly to him: “This doesn’t feel good.”

3. Practice speaking this truth all the time – whenever things don’t feel good.  This is NOT about whether or not he takes out the garbage or calls you often enough to suit you. This is not about his behavior.  Not about what he does or doesn’t do.  This is NOT about making a man WRONG.  This is not about making YOURSELF “wrong.”

This is simply about learning to quickly and honestly answer for yourself the question – “Why am I here?”

When you can answer that for yourself no matter what’s going on – then you’ll get this whole, huge area we call “Boundaries.”

Sometimes we are “here” because it’s what we’re used to.  Sometimes it’s what we “think” is right.  sometimes it’s what we were taught.  Sometimes we feel “compelled” to be here because of a strong chemical pull to a man, or because we’re afraid to be alone.

It doesn’t matter what the answer is as much as how deeply we’re wiling to be honest with ourselves and tell the TRUTH.

I know many women, and have worked with many clients who KNOW they are trapping themselves in a bad-feeling situation, and yet simply will not move away from that situation.  But, even though they’re not moving away from the bad-feeling situation and putting themselves into places where they have a better chance of experiencing good feelings – they are taking the baby-steps of answering the question – “Why am I here?” and really, really – as painful as it is – hearing the answer.

In the end – it’s our choice, what we DO with the information we HAVE.  And the only information we have is about OURSELVES.

So – if you are “here” – and it doesn’t feel good – that’s where we start.

written by Rori Raye

...just some painful memories

It’s never easy when a significant relationship ends – whether you wanted it or not. The breakup can turn your world upside down and trigger a number of painful feelings and memories. Loneliness, fits of despair and uncontrollable sobbing become an unwelcome blanket that surrounds your grief. You may try to hide these feelings from your friends…or even bury them deep inside yourself. The only problem is these uninvited emotions will pool; they’ll collect deep inside of you until you’ve become physically ill or reached your breaking point.

The only bandage I know of is the passing of time. I wish there was an enchanted light-switch that could flip off your pain. Just realize that time does help in the healing process and there are some things you can do to help get through this difficult time. Hopefully, once you’re on the other side, you’ll feel stronger, happier and healthier.

Coping and Healing

Why do breakups hurt so much? Because you’re heartbroken. Obviously the relationship was no longer good for one or both of you. You’re aching because you are grieving the end of, not just the relationship, but also the dreams, companionship, excitement and hope for the future. When relationships fail, there is the experience of profound grief, stress and frustration. Everything is upturned…your routine, your circle of friends, and maybe even your identity.

·      *  Remind yourself to be patient; you can and will move on.

·      *  It’s normal to feel angry, sad, confused and anxious. These feelings will lessen with time.

·    *  Don’t go through this alone. Share your feelings and avoid isolating yourself. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

·     * Exercise. I’m a huge advocate of endorphin release.

Above all, honor yourself. Recognize that you are going through a difficult process and that you will be okay. Visualize how you want to feel three months from now and take baby steps to get there. 

How to know when to call it quits

By Shelly Bullard

Break-ups suck. There's no way around it. The actual break-up is hard enough. But sometimes it's the back and forth that happens before the split that really drives us mad.

Should I stay? Should I go? It's crazy-making.

Believe it or not, I believe there is a way to know what the right decision is, and it's my intention in this article to guide you through that process.

First, let's talk about making decisions in general. In my opinion, there are two ways to do it. (Yes, just two. Easy, right?)

The first option is using your ego. Your ego is basically your rational mind; it uses pro and con logic to come to a final answer. And obviously we need our logic--it comes in handy sometimes (I am being facetiously under-dramatic here). No one is dissing logic. But, there are times when this mode of thinking can really mess us up. Trying to get to the heart of the matter is one of those times. 

One of the problems with making complex decisions with the ego is it lives in the world of duality. What exactly is duality? It is the experience of opposites existing at the same time. Duality is, "I want to get the hell out of here, I can't stand it anymore," and the following day (hour, minute, second), "I love him/her so much, there's no way I can leave."

Unfortunately when we use ego-logic to come to decisions about relationships we cannot reach a grounded decision. Because there isn't one! Just when we think we're there--we've decided and we're sticking to it!--something else comes up and we change our minds again. We cycle endlessly between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. This keeps us stuck. And crazy. 

However, there is another voice that has opinions about your life and the decisions you are trying to make. This is your non-dual voice; this is your soul. 

I use many different words to refer to soul--your Higher Self, your intuition, your deeper knowing. Feel free to call it whatever you like. Its name doesn't matter; but knowing what it is, does.

Your soul is a voice that doesn't vacillate back and forth; it simply knows. Yes, knows. That is because the soul orients to life experiences through non-duality. Non-duality essentially means there is one truth. How nice is that? No wavering here.

When we start orienting to ourselves, to our relationships, and to our world from the position of Soul, we start feeling a lot more clarity. Soul is really just a deeper knowing. I don't pretend to know how it works and what exactly it is, but I do know that when I call upon it, it is there clear as day.

Some of us may be skeptical to listen to this voice within us to make decisions. Especially the big decisions. Especially decisions about our relationships. But the truth is, relationships are complex. People are complex. If we only use our ego-logic to evaluate our relationships, we are going to find ourselves vacillating back-and-forth until the end of time. When we learn to use our intuition to guide us in such matters, the decisions become clear.

Often it's a process to start making decisions with your intuition. First, you have to listen. Listening means quieting your chattering mind! 

Your intuition cannot be heard when you are angry, frustrated, fearful, or feeling any other strong, uncomfortable feelings. 

You know, all those feelings that make you want to make decisions right now?! Yeah, don't do it. This is not a moment of clarity--this is a feeling, and it is going to pass. 

Feel your feelings first and once they stabilize call upon your intuition for the answer. Your soul can only be heard from a centered place.

Next, you have to trust your intuition and act accordingly. This can be challenging; it can take some getting used to. We're scared it's not the right decision! We don't trust ourselves! Let me tell you something: that deeper voice inside of you? Trust it. Trust me, trust it. The more you actively listen to that still, small voice within you, the more you will see how right-on it is.

With enough practice I can assure you that you will learn soon enough how well your intuition knows what is best for you. I personally have had enough experiences to know that my intuition is always guiding me in the right direction. It simply knows the way. 

If you find yourself struggling in that back-and-forth, yes-and-no mentality, realize you have hit the wall of ego. It is time to search a little deeper for the truth; it's time to call upon your Soul.

My advice to anyone wondering whether or not they should stay or leave a relationship is this: before you make any big decisions, come back to a state of peace and centeredness and see what your gut is telling you about the situation. 

You have to really listen. Quiet your ego-mind and drop into a deeper sense of self. Know there is wisdom within you that can always be accessed and trusted. What is it telling you? Be brave and let it be your guide. It will show you the way.

Emotional Manipulation: What happened to my fairy tale?

You met, had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married. In your haste to begin your Once-Upon-A-Time marriage you missed the fact that you had just married a narcissist and would soon begin a journey into an unbalanced relationship filled with emotional manipulation.

During your courtship, your consummately self-centered boyfriend became infatuated with you - the object of his desire – and the more desirable you appeared, the more intense his campaign to win your affections. This infatuated narcissist was amazing…his romantic overtures happened too quickly and contained such an emotional conviction that you couldn’t help but be swept off your feet…and why not? You were complemented, given gifts, received thoughtful gestures, and were constantly reminded of the similarities between the two of you.

With the ring on your finger you began to realize, through nagging feelings, that, although, you were technically married, you were not actually a couple. Couples are equal partners who share responsibilities, support one another and take turns being the one who requires tender loving care. Unfortunately, in your relationship, your partner is self-absorbed and the scale is always tipped in his direction; He assumes he is the focal point of the marriage. He hates it when you are unavailable to him. And when you are – watch out…I bet he likes to have his power over you. To ensure he can maintain this power he will use emotional, verbal, economic and/or even sexual abuse.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly, experience emotional pain, bear chronic physical pain, and still not understand why. You may believe your spouse when he tells you that you are the problem…that if you just changed and did the things he wanted, well, life would be great…. For him, that is.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his shiny marital toolbox because it works for him. You are not in a partnership because your narcissist doesn’t know what that means… he is self-centered, lacks empathy and feels entitled to have what he wants when he wants it.

He may throw tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants…he yells, patronizes, says hurtful things…. or he gives you the silent treatment. Your self-esteem begins to plunge and the anxiety begins to swirl.

Wait a minute, you think…my spouse was never diagnosed with any mental health problems…certainly not Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please realize that narcissistic tendencies or symptoms can occur in varying degrees. Don’t put on a fake grin and bear it because in the beginning things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had met your Prince Charming…you were so enamored with his phone calls, flowers, dinners, and quality time together. Don’t think that if only you could ‘get it right’ or do everything he asks that you could get those days back. He might act like he did every now and again to keep you hooked and keep you believing that you're about to rediscover the fairy tale…but he is only seducing you….again.

A narcissist is like a leopard; he cannot change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.

If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change—and not for the good.

In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Rather than feeling closer to him have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him? There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual that you haven’t realized what was happening. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and defeat another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics like intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. It’s like brain washing because it wears away at your self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in your own perceptions and self-concept. Whether through berating, belittling, or under the guise of ‘guidance, teaching or advice,’ the results are the same. This emotional manipulation cuts to the very core creating scars that are far deeper and lasting than physical ones.

If you recognize yourself as being in an abusive relationship know that you have the right to seek help, to have your feelings acknowledged as real, to be heard, and, most importantly, the right to live free from emotional or physical threats.

I can't stop analyzing!

by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé 

"I drive myself crazy analyzing everything."

I have heard this often from clients and students. I'm guessing most of you have had the experience of analyzing and reanalyzing a painful event and realized that you felt just as bad after all your analysis.

You have likely been taught to think your way through life's challenges. How often in all your years of formal schooling were you asked what feelings and needs were up for you?

You have likely been trained to trust your skills in analysis and problem solving rather than connecting with what's alive in your heart.

NVC offers a radical new approach:

The most effective way to live with clarity and joy is to connect with what's alive in the moment.

This means observing your experience without analysis or judgment. Instead, connect with your experience by identifying the feelings and needs alive in you and others. Act to honor and meet all needs present.This doesn't require the hard work of analysis, but rather the courage and intention to bring your awareness to your heart again and again.Doing this practice a little each day you start to trust your heart more than your head.You eventually realize that your heart gives you continuous feedback about how to live fully alive!

You can begin this practice by noticing the kinds of questions you are asking yourself.In analysis you are asking questions like:

"How could this happen, where did I go wrong?"

"Why did s/he do that?"

"Who's fault is it?"

In connecting with your heart or the heart of others, you are asking questions like:

"What am I feeling?"

"What needs are alive for me?"

"What happened or what did I tell myself that stimulated these needs?"

"What do I want to do to meet these needs?"

"What needs might have been alive for him or her when s/he did that?"

No analysis necessary.

Analysis and problem solving are habits of mind.Habitual thought, is a powerful thing. And it takes a strong intention and plenty of reminders to remember to watch it. The good news is that you get to choose how you think and what you think.

You can turn your mind to what gives life – feelings, needs, actions based on needs.

To practice this, set an hourly alarm on your watch, cell phone or computer. Each time you hear it, stop and notice content and flavor of your thoughts. Then ask, "Are these thoughts making my heart sing with aliveness?"

You may not get an answer at first. That's okay, your heart needs time and attention to open and reveal itself, especially if its not use to being asked.

Keep asking and little by little your heart will open and you will connect with a whole other level of intelligence.

Why an apology isn't enough

Why you want an apology and Why it's not enough

by LaShelle Lowe-Chardé 

When you ask someone to apologize, s/he usually collapses and says how sorry they are or gets defensive. Neither response satisfies you.

Most often in asking for an apology, you are really wanting to know that the other person understands what they did that triggered pain for you and that they don't want to do it again.  Shaming someone is the high cost way that attempts to achieve the same result.  (One we have all likely experienced).

A student of mine, Ignacio, recently made this comment, "When I have done something that my partner feels hurt over, what seems to help the most is repeating to her exactly what she said I did and how it affected her."

What happens for Ignacio's partner when he does this is that she starts to feel emotionally safe again hearing that he has understood her experience and how he contributed to it.

To complete this conversation, Ignacio and his partner could talk about what needs were up for both of them in the moment and what each of them could do differently in the future to prevent the painful trigger from arising.

For example, let's imagine that the trigger event was that upon arriving home, Ignacio went directly to the bedroom and didn't greet his partner.  After asking each other about  needs, they realize that she has a need for connection and he has need for rest and grounding.  To meet these needs, he could offer to greet her upon arriving home and she could agree to wait a half hour before handing off the baby, a list of to do's, or starting a conversation, etc.

Another distinction to make here is that Ignacio doesn't "take responsibility", (another thing you might be looking for with an apology), by saying how bad and wrong he was, but rather by saying what he is committed to doing differently in the future.

Ignacio's partner takes responsibility for her reaction by identifying the need underneath it and making a specific request around getting it met.

Putting it all together, here are the basic stepss.

1.  Express what specific behavior triggered you and make a connecting request. Here are some examples of possible connecting requests:

Could you tell me what you are hearing me say?

It really helps me feel connected to know you understand what triggered me, could you tell me what you're hearing triggered me and how I felt when that happened?

I am looking for clarity, not wanting to blame or shame, could you tell me what you are hearing you did that triggered me?

2.    Identify the needs that were up for both of you in that moment.

3.    Brainstorm what you could each do differently to meets those needs in a future situation.

4.    Make a commitment to try something new and check-in about how its working. This week, notice the different forms of apology you experience or watch in other interactions.  Identify when and how an apology moves into the energy of shame and blame and when it creates connection.

The Art of Letting Go in Relationships

by Virginia Clark

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily, we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

This quote isn’t about letting go of a relationship that’s not working, it’s about letting go of your attachment to a man that’s unhealthy and ultimately destructive to love.

You learned to form this kind of attachment when you were young — and part of becoming a mature woman is growing out of it.

Do you remember how you “loved” when you were a teenager? I do. I had “crushes” on boys and spent hours daydreaming about them. I not only longed for boys I saw at school, but I also became obsessed imagining myself with various young actors and singers.

I recognize this now and smile to myself when I see my friend’s daughters so enthralled with a teenage heartthrob like Justin Beiber. I was at the bookstore yesterday and a girl, maybe 13 yrs. old, was begging her mother to buy her a book on the 17 yr. old singer’s life. Shepleaded with her mom saying, “I promise you I’ll read it every day!”

I didn’t think her mother would give in to her pleading, as much as she wants her daughter to read. I was right. As they walked away the girl was distraught and burst into tears. Her passion for this young man who she had never met overwhelming her.

As you get older, you may find that you form attachments to men that feel much the same way, I know I did for many years. If you haven’t grown out of this phase, you will find yourself becoming overly involved around men and losing your sense of self.

You will look to him for validation and feel devastated if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. When a man shows interest in you, rather than letting go and seeing what happens, you’ll feel as though you have to hold on to him as if your life depended upon it.

For years I tried to hide my neediness and act like I didn’t care around a man and be “cool.” But inside I always felt desperate as if I might lose him at anytime. I thought about him continually and watched every move he made so I wouldn’t miss any signal he might be giving me.

I felt just like I did in high school when I had a crush…obsessed.

But men are not stupid, they can tell when you’re hiding your neediness; when you feel insecure

If your tendency is to hold on too tightly, it’s time to practice letting go

I had to work on my self-esteem so I could learn how to love like an adult and not a teenager. I had to learn that holding on is useless and comes from need rather than love.

xoxo

Virginia Clark

Relationship Coach and Author

http://www.ItsNeverTooLateToMarry.com 

“There is no remedy for love but to love more.”

~Henry David Thoreau

Be the Happiest version of you!

Have Fun! 10 Ways To Be The Happiest Version Of You

By Alison Ottaway

Life is better when you enjoy it. It’s simple: If you enjoy life, you feel good. And feeling good rocks!

It’s easy to forget this though - in the midst of the 9 to 5, when things aren’t going exactly how you want them to, during a difficult time, or when you're so busy it feels like you don’t even have the time to blink.

Here are 10 ways to enjoy your life more: 

1. Get out in nature! 

There is nothing better to heighten your enjoyment sensors than a dose of Mother Nature. Whatever the weather, getting outside, seeing natural light, catching some vitamin D, breathing fresh air, communing with the day and your environment will help bring you perspective and connection,  as well as blowing the cobwebs away.

2. Figure out what activities you love to do and do them! 

Get connected with the things that bring you joy. When does time fly? When do you feel most like yourself? On your bike, singing, in the kitchen, swimming, painting? Make a list of the things you LOVE to do and bring them into your life regularly.

3. Focus on what's happening right now. 

Whatever is happening in your life, you always have the opportunity to connect with where you are right now, to become still, quiet and focused for a moment. The more you do this, the more grounded you’ll feel, and the more you’ll allow space in your life for enjoyment to seep in when you least expect it!

4. Find a creative outlet. 

Everyone can find enjoyment, connection and satisfaction through being creative. If you’ve got something you love doing, schedule in a weekly session for it. If you’d like to explore something new, book a course or get a library book out and give it a go. 

5. Connect with friends. 

Feeling connected multiplies enjoyment, so reach out and share. When you feel the urge to talk to someone, pick up the phone. Schedule dates with friends. Go find people who are into the same things you are. If you love animals, find time to spend with them, walking next door’s dog or helping out at a cat sanctuary. Also, don’t forget your connection with your greater self, your spirituality – a short, daily meditation can open the door to much more light and enjoyment into your life.

6. Give thanks. 

Where you put your focus grows. If you focus on what is great in your life, what you love, and what you are most grateful for, your perspective will shift. Do it regularly and you’ll find yourself enjoying what you do have more.

7. Set aside some me time. 

You need time just for you. Even if you are really busy, squeezing in 15 minutes of alone time a day will make a huge difference to not only how you show up in the world, but also how you feel. Find a moment for your favourite CD, some shut-eye, that big book of sudokus or simply a cup of tea and some quiet.

8. Honor your basic needs for food, shelter, food, sleep, and love. 

Think about what’s essential for you to be content. Do you need to be warm? Do you need to see someone every day? Do you need to eat regularly? Do you need 8 hours sleep? Identify and value these things that you know keep you able to enjoy life, and organize your schedule with them in mind.

9. Single-task. 

Life is deeper, more rewarding and more enjoyable when you single task - as you connect with the task at hand and come into the present. Multi-tasking spreads you, and your potential enjoyment of life, thin. Give yourself the opportunity to enjoy what you are doing in every moment by single-tasking wherever possible.

10. Treat yourself. 

A self-administered foot massage, a walk with no destination, a facial, half an hour doing nothing, that pair of earrings you’ve been coveting, a long, aromatherapy-infused hot bath. Do it! You deserve to feel good.