Your Partner's Reactivity isn't About You adapted from LaShelle Charde

Reactivity =  The tendency to be responsive or to react to a stimulus…also known as an emotional reaction.

LaShelle Charde addresses how reactivity in a relationship is a conditioned behavior that is based on past events. So, when you are “reacting” in the present situation you are also unconsciously basing your current emotions on a past event(s).  Sometimes your “deeply conditioned reactive patterns” have become so automatic  that you may not even remember the past experience they are based upon.

Thinking of how you may react in the heat of the moment…or your partner…it is highly likely that when your partner is  tapping into that reactivity nerve  -  he or she is basing emotion on a past event.  What’s difficult in the moment is to realize that your partner is reacting to the feelings of those past events and not really addressing “you.”

Now, when you do make it about you, typically you go into a reactive trance as well and start defending and/or accusing back.  This is when arguments escalate and past events are unearthed.

If you take a moment to reflect on what your partner is like when he or she is in reactivity, you probably know quite a bit.  You can likely name the tone & volume of voice, facial expressions, body language, and particular phrases that are signs of reactivity.  

The more you mindfully track these signs in your partner, the more likely you are to catch reactivity when it first arises.  The earlier reactivity is met, the easier it is to break the trance of it.

Bringing all this to mind now, you can practice gaining perspective of what's actually happening in those moments.  Which is, of course, that underneath your partner's reactivity, he or she is experiencing feelings like fear, hurt, or shame and has specific needs.  I'm guessing that if you take another moment right now, you can likely name which needs are connected to which reactive patterns (There is a feelings and needs list on  Charde’s website at www.wiseheartpdx.org).  They tend to be the same ones over and over again.

 Be careful here.  The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is not so that you can try to behave in such a way that she or he never reacts.  This is  this impossible and  creates a relationship that's more about avoiding and suppressing than coming together.  

The purpose of learning about your partner's reactivity is so that you can choose how you would like to respond rather than react. Think about those words…respond….and react....

 When you can meet your partner's reactivity in this grounded way, there are many choices you can make.  Here are a few that could be helpful:

*Set a Boundary:  If your partner is name-calling or using other language that doesn't meet your need for respect, it's helpful to set a boundary immediately by saying what you want.  For example, "I need respect, please say that differently."  If your partner doesn't respond to this, then you may set a further boundary by saying you will return at some specific time and then removing yourself physically from the environment.

 *Honest Expression:  You might express what's going on for you.  For example, "As I hear you right now I feel disconnected and I really want to connect.  Can we pause in silence and take a few deep breaths?"

 *Empathy Guess:  You can make an attempt to hear what's going on for your partner underneath the reactivity.  For example, "I'm hearing that when I told you how drive, it really didn't work for you."  Or  "Sounds like you're angry and hurt and want things to be fair?"

 *Offer Reassurance:  Because reactivity is based on a perceived threat, reassurance about what is actually true is almost always helpful.  This can be tricky, because you may try to offer reassurance by denying the accusations you are hearing.  You might hear yourself say something like, "I am not trying to control you!"  This very different from saying, "I really want you to choose what's right for you."

The important part here is that if you can recognize reactivity for what it is, you can keep yourself from expressing reactivity back and at the very best offer a healing response.  Take time now to think about a consistent reaction your partner has.  Name its signs and the feelings and needs you guess are underneath.  Decide how you will respond the next time it shows up.

 Here are some universal patterns and associated needs identified by Charde:

1.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Overwhelm, terror, shut down, dissociation, overanalyzing . Associated Needs:-  safety & belonging  

2.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern :  Hopelessness, sense of abandonment, disowning needs, not accepting help.  Associated Need:-  support

3.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Shame, humiliation, helplessness, rage, puffing up & getting tough or charming, persuading, and manipulating others.  Associated Needs :- acceptance of vulnerability

4.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern : Anger, resentment, passive resistance, refusing to commit, becoming immovable, having a sense of being in a hopeless bind.   Associated Need:-  autonomy

 5.  Reactive Feeling & Pattern: Anxiety, hurt, perception of being ignored or rejected, working hard to win love and attention through high drama, big sparkle, or great achievements.  Associated Needs:-  being seen/heard, and unconditional love.

The meaning of intuitive work by Transcendent Dancer

I loved this blog post and wanted to share...enjoy!

Today's thought on what intuitive work means to me

In helping others through energy work and intuitive readings I am provided with a point of concentration for Dharana and meditation on God in Dhyana. I devote time, open to the mystery and do so with gratitude. The individual receiving the work has heart-based focus upon them with an opportunity for concentration practice of their own, meditating on the experience.

Although I have an empathic sense I do not necessarily see auras or energy currents, at least not in the awesome ways others have described them. I trust master teachers when they say phenomena exists to keep our interest and matters little if at all.

More and more I understand the true meaning of these words: "do your work, then step back" as written in the Tao Teh Ching by Lao Tzu. As instructed in the Bhagavad Gita I am learning to release the fruit of action and to see devotional action as enough.

Your Tired Partner in LaShelle Charde by Lucky1

On September 25th, 2011 in LaShelle Charde by Lucky1

Your Tired Partner

It seems to you that your partner consistently neglects his or her own needs in favor of responding to the needs of others. She or he is often tired and stretched thin. You miss a sense of presence, playfulness, and aliveness in your relationship.

You have likely tried all sorts of ways to get your partner to do better self-care. You may have asked for and tried to plan more quality time together. You may have tried to help your partner with strategies for setting boundaries and saying no to requests from others. You may have made threats of one kind or another. You have perhaps found that you cannot plead, cajole, or strategize your partner out of a pattern of what you perceive as self-neglect and taking on too much.

What you can do, is stay in touch with your own feelings and needs and communicate them directly. Many needs may come up for you in this situation. You have a need to protect and nurture life and in this case the life of your partner. In regards to that, you may frequently say something in a particular moment like, “When I hear you say you are going to help your mother tonight and I see you slumped in the chair with exhaustion, I worry about your well being. Would you be willing to consider a way you could get some rest and your mother could still get the support she needs?”

With regards to your relationship, needs for presence, play, and aliveness may be up for you. You can communicate these needs situation by situation, stating a specific observation, feeling, need, and request. For example, you might say things like, “I hear you say you are willing to go to the park with us and at the same time I hear how tired you say you are, I feel anxious and downhearted because I am wanting a sense of energy and presence. Would you be willing to take the evening to do what is restful and rejuvenating for you and come to the park with us in the morning?”

You might also want to communicate about the pattern you are experiencing and your need for consistency with regards to the energy your partner brings to the relationship. It might sound something like this, “When I think about the last month and a half and remember that you spent five of six Saturdays working, I feel hopeless and sad because I am longing for a consistent sense of energy and play in our partnership. Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?”

Referring to patterns is tricky in relationship because it is easy to shift from a collaborative consciousness to an argument about who is to blame and who has contributed to what needs. Naming a pattern in your partner’s behavior can quickly shift to making him or her the problem and the thought that ‘if only s/he would change, everything would be better’.

As you enter into any conversation about what you perceive as patterns of behavior in your partner, it’s important to ask what pattern of behavior you have developed in reaction to this. Perhaps, you shut down and quietly endure the absence of your partner. Perhaps you move toward distraction through food, movies, or computer games. Perhaps you swing from hopelessness to explosive demands.
Whatever accompanying pattern you notice in yourself, you can bring yourself back into present moment aliveness by asking yourself what you value most and what you want to create with your partner. This is your north star. With each situation and interaction, you can ask yourself, ‘Is what I am doing or saying moving toward or away from what I want to create with my partner?’

The purpose here is come into ever more subtle levels of honesty with yourself and your partner without the goal of changing your partner. Your partner will either find a way to collaborate with you or not. As you stay honest with yourself, you will be able to more accurately discern your partner’s efforts and your own willingness to continue to engage in an effort to meet the needs you would like to meet in your relationship.