Saturday, June 29, 2013

Some Reasons Why Men Cheat

In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it.
 
M. Gary Neuman on the  Oprah Winfrey show shared the  unobtrusive ways of finding out if a husband is cheating.
Gary documented these findings -- and many others -- in  "The Truth About Cheating." Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.

Gary says his work as a marriage counselor inspired him to write a book. "For over 20 years, [I've been] living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.

"You want to help children of divorce? I said, 'Well, let's get really down and dirty and find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better.'"

Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women.

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."
 
What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife." With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself.

"[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

Is cheater choosing prettier women?
How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear -- you name it -- before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it -- even though it was the worst decision of my life."
Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds.

"Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."

How often do men confess to cheating on before being caught?
Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary's study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. "I kind of tell people, 'If you're going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,'" Gary says.

Brian and Anne:
Brian and Anne say they never thought they would have to deal with an affair in their marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night. Yet Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work.

"I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair," Brian says.

Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. "And then you develop some sort of a connection with them through some sort of common interest," he says. "I didn't choose to go have an affair. It just sort of happened."

Gary says Brian is right that most men meet the person they have an affair with in one of two places -- at work or through a hobby. "It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband."

Based on Oprah.com

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Hearing without Defending

You arrive fifteen minutes late for an appointment with your partner.  She expresses her disappointment and need for predictability and asks you to call or text next time you are going to be late.

You bristle.  You see her face and how upset she is and start to defend yourself.  At the speed of light jackals flood your consciousness with ideas that she is judging you and making you wrong.  If you are the wrong one here, then she'll break up with you.  Or worse yet, it will mean you are a bad person, an incompetent failure.  You better prove yourself.

Under the influence of defensiveness you quickly minimize her feelings and needs and start to make a case for how you are good person.  It might sound like this, "I arrive late one time and you get all upset.  You should be glad I made it.  I always call when I am late, which is rare, and this one time you have to make an issue of it!"

Now your partner is reacting too and begins to recount all the times you were late and makes a case for how difficult it has been for her dealing with your issues about being on time.
The conversation escalates into more disconnect from here.  How can you keep from getting caught in this painful pattern of attack -defend?

Here are three keys to hearing your partner's feelings, needs and requests in a way that creates connection.

1.  Connect with Yourself First:    Every time you feel the impulse to defend, you can connect with yourself in one or more of the following ways:
  • Repeat a reminder phrase to yourself.  Maybe something like, "I'm not a bad person because my partner is upset."  Or  "This is not about me."  Or  "It's okay for my partner to be upset."  Or  "I can hear her without taking the blame."  Or  "I am feeling defensiveness and want to remind myself that I know my intentions are good and I am a good person."
  • Do something physical to interrupt your defensive pattern like lean back in your chair, take three deep breaths, or take a bathroom break.
  • Put your awareness in your heart.  You can put your hand on your heart and just acknowledge the difficulty and the longing to be seen and accepted.  Breath through your heart of you feel your hand there.
2.  Stay Specific and Now:  Only talk about the current situation.  If you think you are already doing what she is asking, then ask if she can be more specific about her request. For example, "When I think that I already did what you requested, I feel confused and need more clarity.  Can you tell me exactly what it would look like if your need was met?"

3.  Offer Empathy:  Reflecting back to your partner her feelings and needs not only helps her to know she is heard, but also can help you move out of right/wrong thinking.  The important part here is to connect her feeling to her need, e.g., "I hear you feel disappointed because you need predictability.", rather than, "I hear you feel disappointed because I let you down."

So often I hear couples try to give empathy when they are really assigning blame, e.g., "You feel disappointed because I didn't call."  While this is a common way of expressing, it perpetuates a sense of being responsible for each other feelings.  When this happens you miss out on the opportunity to choose from the heart to meet each other's needs.

Practice
This week, notice when you have the impulse to defend by explaining, justifying, minimizing, or building a case.  Choose one or more of the practice steps listed above.  Interrupt your habit of defending and practice with one of the steps above.  You could even ask the other person for a re-do after you have defended and try out one of these practices.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Not taking it personally

When your partner expresses an unmet need and you criticize yourself about it, you take it personally (hear criticism) and feel hurt. When you accept that you are basically a good person with good intentions, doing the best you can, you are much less likely to take things personally.  Accepting yourself in this way requires practice and self-awareness.  Let's look at some of what this entails.


When you take things personally, you likely find yourself reacting. Either you tell yourself how wrong you are or you say how wrong the other person is.
Most people flip back and forth between the two, feeling alternately, depressed – angry, depressed – angry, . . .

When you have any reaction (by reaction I mean a sudden clenching of the body, heart, and mind - disconnect) to what someone is saying, the first thing to do is ask, "What am I telling myself? What am I making this mean?"  Reaction means a judgment show has begun in your mind. If you can get front row seats to this show, your chances of intervening are much higher.

Take the time to stop and watch your show rather than move on to the next distraction, or even worse, start speaking from your reaction.  Whether you are at work or at home, take a timeout. Bathrooms are great places for timeouts.

During this timeout you call on your calm and nurturing inner parent to dialogue with your judgment thoughts. Here's an example of a dialogue I had with a judgment thought of mine that was stimulated by a conversation in which I perceived criticism from someone's feedback.  In NVC we often use the term jackal to symbolize disconnected thinking, believing, and speaking.  The metaphor helps you to disidentify with your thoughts.

Jackal: You're worthless.
My inner parent: I'm guessing you're scared jackal.
Jackal: Yes. (already with this single line of empathy I could feel my body start to relax).
My inner parent: I'm guessing you think it will somehow be helpful if I believe what you say. How do you think it will be helpful?
Jackal: If you believe me, then you will shut down and get depressed and not take any risks and then we will be safe.
My inner parent: Yea, so you want to be safe from hurt.
Jackal: That's right.
My inner parent: Jackal, what we both know is that depression is actually more painful than any hurt I could experience in my relationships. Do you remember all the pain we've experienced in the past with depression? I want you to know I am committed to keeping us safe. I do this by paying attention to our inner experience through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and talking with others.
And I consistently take the time to do these things, like I am doing right now with you.

This dialogue effectively dissolved this jackal. This was the alpha jackal of a pack that showed up together. So I did several dialogues of this sort before completely relaxing around the situation.

Let's sum up the key elements in learning to respond to yourself with acceptance so that you are less apt to take things personally.
  1. Notice when you're reacting.
    1. Know the signs and symptoms of reaction in your body, heart, mind, and behavior.   Anger, collapse, shut down, and turning toward addictions are the most common indicators
  2. Choose to take a timeout from the interaction.
  3. Get front row seats at your jackal show (Ask: "What am I telling myself?").
  4. Access the your calm and nurturing inner parent to give empathy to each jackal and ground yourself in truth.
  5. Engage the jackals in a dialogue one by one. This dialogue includes:
    1. Guess the feelings and needs of your jackals
    2. Ground your jackals in what you know is true, (e.g. depression won't make us safe from hurt).
    3. Let your jackals know the concrete strategies you are engaging in to meet the needs they are concerned about.
Practice
Take time now to reflect on the last time your partner tried to express an unmet need and you took it personally.  Go through each of the steps above separately for each of the jackals that came up for you regarding that interaction.

L Charde

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