When Others Don't Change

Seeing folks around you stuck in patterns that don't serve life, can stimulate a bundle of frustration and grief. You'd really like for people to see what doesn't work and make the change sooner than later. You'd like both of you to be able to enjoy the results of living from greater awareness, wisdom, and compassion.

When you make a change for the better, it's easy for the should jackals to come in and say, "Hey, I made this change. They should be able to do it as well." It's easy to forget all the little things that you did and experienced that got you where you are now. It didn't happen overnight. It's painful to see people stuck in patterns and know there is an easier and better way.  You think to yourself, "If only s/he would change . . ." 

There are a couple of important things to remember here.  You can offer lots of empathy and honest expression and if you do so with the purpose of changing another s/he will sense that and invariably resist.  After the survival needs, autonomy is the first need people protect.  People change most easily when they are experiencing love and acceptance.

Your work then, isn't to change others.  It is to look into your heart and see if you want to connect even when they are not changing and regardless of whether they ever change or not.  Whether you choose to connect or not, your next step is to allow yourself to mourn the needs not met as this person stays stuck.  Just to let yourself feel the grief of seeing suffering without resisting the fact of your inability to change it for that person, this is the practice of staying connected to your heart.

Over the years this has been an intense practice for me with my family.  I get the opportunity to help so many people, but my family members aren't jumping up to receive help from me (at least not in the way I think they "should").  I have experienced so much grief and frustration wishing for their well-being and wanting them to change.  I just returned yesterday from visiting several family members in Colorado.  I got to experience the fruits of the practice of letting go of trying to change them.  My ability to stay present, enjoy them, enjoy myself, and feel an exchange of love was greater than it ever has been.  I came home nourished rather than exhausted as I have in the past.  I look forward to continuing to relax into more layers of acceptance and experiencing the richness this brings.

Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there anyone in your life you are trying to change?  Can you access the desire to connect even when they don't change?  Can you allow yourself to mourn in the face of the suffering of others?  Can you find your way to accepting their path and trusting something larger to guide them?

LaShelle Charde

Letting Go When Love Is Gone

It's time to say goodbye... When you feel its already over...

Saying goodbye doesn't mean forgetting the person you've loved before. It's the relationship, memories and hope that you should let go. Goodbye doesn't mean it's the end of the world. But instead it's a new beginning. New challenges that's full of hope. As if like you're looking on the other phase of your life.

Remember... Life is wonderful and full of challenges and opportunities. The only thing you should do is how, when and where a decision must come up. Don't let the memories stop you from seeing the sunshine again. Just don't live your life to the shadow of your past. Try to see the horizon of the future and you'll discover the Wonder of Life.

How does one say goodbye to someone he/she has begun to love and care about, without the inflict pain? How do we show a person that goodbye doesn't mean abandoning her/him? That it only means we have to let go of a relationship if things don't work out any better anymore. I guess there's really no easy way.

Goodbye seems a concluding remark we have to speak when we leave someone behind. It sounds so final. And yet it is a heart-breaking reality we have to face somehow, someday no matter how dreadful it may be.

Letting go of those we deeply love and care about, for whatever reason often leaves as helplessly shattered. But on the otherhand, clinging pointlessly to what has been. Memories or relationships... usually isn't very good for us in the end. But learning to have the courage to let go is a sign of GROWTH. It is an indication that we are mature enough to know what we can do without and that we are ready to make room for what we really need in our next phase of our life.

Goodbye is a sad thing, but it is very real. We have to face the fact that we all have to say goodbye sometime in our lives and there's no easy way of saying it. That is why people often take off when they least expect it. They just walk away because they can't figure a way of saying goodbye.

Some people think that it's holding on that make us strong; sometimes it's letting go.

Yes, there's no doubt about it... parting gives us a lot of sorrow, especially if it is forever. But then goodbye is really just another way of saying Hello. We move on and on. Goodbye may mean a lot more Hello's. So we have to let go and we should know when to finally end up.

A chapter in our life to be able to give way for a new one.

When Your Partner Runs Out of Gas

By LaShelle Lowe-Charde

Recently a gem reader sent the example below.  My guess is that Dan has run out of gas for processing with his girlfriend.  That is, he likely has needs for play, rest, joy, and maybe celebration.  Take a look and see what guesses come up for you:

My boyfriend, Dan, and I had a semi-cheerful conversation on the phone. Then we meet at a pub. He doesn't really smile, nor look at me or say much. I feel disappointed and resentful that I don't see enthusiasm about his seeing me, so I don't offer enthusiasm to him. We leave the pub, we're both feeling tension. Later, I'm unhappy and ask "Can we talk about what happened". He is tense, won't talk about it, and asked me to "let it go". Instead of honoring his request, I insisted on talking about my feelings. (As I understand from other conversations with him, one of his biggest complaints of me is that I don't let things go.) He doesn't cooperate. The evening ends without connection. The morning after, he is tense and doesn't talk much to me; spends an hour in his room. I say nothing for a while, but feelings of fear and anxiety build. I'm telling myself he doesn't care. An hour later, I finally speak "Would you talk to me" (with jackal thoughts in and out). He says "I don't want to". He asks for a few days apart. I cried and left reluctantly. I felt afraid and anxious, and later said things trying to convince him that I'll change and be less reactive. He tells me he's tired of the negativity that seems pervasive in our relationship.

In the moment that they meet at the pub, our gem reader, let's call her Sara, is hoping for connection and the joy of being together.  Her boyfriend doesn't meet this expectation.  In the moment of realizing things aren't as expected Sara needs to pause for self-empathy.  If she speaks to him directly from her disappointment and resentment, her inquiries will seem like criticisms and demands to him.  Dan will hear the message that he can't just be himself with her.  He has to show up in some certain way or she reacts.

This is the first critical moment for their interaction.  Sara chooses something different in our new imaginary scenario.  She takes a few moments to breath, feels her disappointment, catches the jackal talk that is creating resentment, and finally reassures herself that she can meet her needs in other ways even if Dan isn't emotionally available.  Honoring and reassuring herself in this way she might have enough space to speak to Dan from a place of acceptance.  She might be able to entertain ideas that Dan's mood may have nothing to do with her.

So her check-in with Dan can be more open ended and doesn't carry the intensity of her reaction.  It might sound something like this, "Seems like something might be up for you?" Dan, says no and looks away.  

Here is the second critical moment of their interaction.  As he does this, Sara becomes more anxious.  Her anxiety tells her to pull at Dan for connection.  The unconscious belief is that Dan can relieve her anxiety if only he would cooperate.  While it may be true that her anxiety would lessen if he turned lovingly toward her, this isn't the only way for her to get relief.  When Sara unconsciously believes Dan is the only source of relief, she can't resist the impulse to pull at him.

Fortunately in our new scenario, Sara has a moment of clarity.  She says, "Okay." and turns back to her dinner.  Dan will likely feel a moment of surprise that she hasn't engaged their usual dynamic in which she pulls at him and he pulls away.  He might feel the tiniest bit of relief that his wish was respected and then he will likely tense up again imagining she will return to her old ways in a moment.

Meanwhile, Sara is doing the work of checking in with her own thoughts, feelings and needs.  Respecting Dan's autonomy in this way seems "unnatural" and she wonders if she is playing a game.  If her "Okay." is a tactic to get Dan to respond differently, then yes, she is playing a game.  If on the other hand, she comes from a place of respecting where Dan is at while honoring herself, she is honestly engaged.  

Hopefully Sara is doing the internal work of asking herself how she truly wants to take care of herself that evening.  If her and Dan had planned to spend the evening together and Dan remains mostly silent and looking away during dinner, she asks herself if she has has a way that she can take care of herself and be with him in the state he is in?  If she has had a particularly stressful week and is low on resources she may decide not to spend the evening with Dan in his current state.  She may realize that in her current state, she would quickly give in to reactivity and they would once more be in their pulling-distancing dynamic.  

Let's imagine what both options might look like.  She decides to stay with Dan regardless of his silence.  At the end of a silent dinner, she looks up and says something like,
"I don't know what's up for you, and it's okay if you don't want to talk.  If you would still like to spend the evening together, I am okay with having quiet time at your place.  I have a book with me I have been wanting to read, or we could watch a movie.  What works for you? Do you need some time to yourself or would you still like to hang out?"  

My hope for Sara is not that she masks her caring or emotion here, simply that she demonstrates her own ability to meet her needs and to make space for Dan to choose to meet his without risking her disapproval.

In the second option, she decides not to spend the evening with Dan.  My hope for her is that she takes full responsibility for this decision in a clear way.  It might sound something like this:
"I don't know what's up for you, and it's okay if you don't want to talk.  I notice that I am tired and low on resources.  I really care about us, and being there for you in a healthy way.  I am guessing that with as tired and anxious as I am, if we continued to hang out, I would likely get reactive, and we would find ourselves in the same old argument.  So I am thinking that I am going to do my own thing tonight and take care of myself.  What comes up for you hearing that?"

In this gem we have focused on what Sara could have done differently.  Next week we will take a look at how Dan could respond from the consciousness and skills of Compassionate Communication.

This week, watch for the pulling-distancing dynamic in your own relationships.  Are there any relationships in which you experience yourself on one side or the other?  Do some simple observations to create more awareness by answering these questions:  In what situations does this come up?  With who?  What are the triggers?  How do you pull on others or distance yourself - verbally, physically, energetically, behaviorally?  How does it work for you?  What needs are met and which ones are at cost?

Empathy vs. Investigation

by: LaShelle Charde

Empathy is only one of many ways to connect with someone when you are in a conversation.  On my website here:  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.html  you can find a handout called "What is Empathy?  What isn't Empathy?".  It describes common ways we try to connect with someone who is expressing difficulty or celebration.  Many of these "not empathy" responses are habitual responses.  You may or may not be attempting to consciously respond to your own needs or to the needs of the person in front of you.  Compassionate Communication is about cultivating enough mindfulness and skill that you can see and respond to the aliveness in yourself and the person in front of you in the moment.

I often say that anytime someone is expressing difficulty or celebration, empathy is what is needed first.  With a present moment empathic connection, actions are informed by what's really needed rather than habits or guesswork.

Responding to someone by investigating is one of the responses on the "Not Empathy" list.   When investigating rather than offering empathy you might hear yourself asking a series of questions, like this:  "Why did you feel that way?  What was he saying?  What were you trying to do?  Why didn't you just back off?  When did it happen? etc."

Offering empathy by asking about feelings and needs might sound like this:  "Are you feeling frustrated because you would like support?"  "Are you hoping for more collaboration?"  "Sounds like you're nervous about that?"  "Sounds like you are longing for a way to express your creativity, is that it?" etc.

Because you are asking questions in both empathy and investigation, the difference might not be obvious at first.  We can name distinctions along four different dimensions.

Energy  In empathy your energy is centered.  You are moving neither forward nor back, but rather simply receiving the other person.  In investigating your energy is moving forward towards something that you want to get (information).

Subject  In empathy the subject of your attention is the person's feelings and needs in the moment.  In investigating, the subject of your attention is your own ideas about what you want to know and how you think it might be helpful to know certain things.

Intention  In empathy your intention is to connect with the other person's feelings and needs.  In investigation your intention might be to contribute, to decide whether you really want to listen or you would like to put your energy elsewhere, to meet a need for acceptance by demonstrating your skill in asking questions (which is often leading to giving advice), and/or to meet a need for comfort by engaging conversation in a way that's familiar to you.

Trust  In empathy you trust that by being present and connected with what's alive in the moment, wisdom and skillful action will naturally arise.  In investigating, you likely trust problem solving and mental clarity as a means to contribute or to meet other needs.

The purpose of making these distinctions is not to say that empathy is better and you should always respond with empathy.  The purpose is create enough awareness and skill that you can consciously choose how you would like to respond in any given interaction.  The further hope is that you can choose your strategies to meet your needs and respond to others' needs in direct ways.  For example, if you have an indirect strategy to meet your need for acceptance by showing your competence through investigating and advice giving, my dream for you would be that you could find other direct ways to affirm that you are accepted and to accept yourself.

The more you meet your needs in conscious and direct ways the more present you can be for others.  You might still investigate, but you would do so after a conscious agreement.  That is, you ask the other person if it would be helpful for them or they agree to help you meet your own needs.

Take time now to look over the "Not Empathy" list on my website.  Identify a couple of these that you do regularly.  Reflect on recent interactions in which you responded in these ways.  Identify the needs you were intending to meet with these, both for yourself and the other person.  Make some guesses about what needs may have been up for the other person.  Notice if there is a match between how you responded and what the other person needed.

If you have the opportunity, check in with the other person.  Ask them what they were looking for in sharing with you.  Often people aren't aware of the needs alive for them in sharing so it's good to give them a menu:  wanting to be heard, empathy, reassurance, information, support in problem solving, perspective, etc.  Ask if what you offered was helpful and if so, how was it helpful.