Five Dimensions of Touch

The Five Dimensions of Touch: The Key to Bypassing Sexual Power Struggles By Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.

“Are we going to have sex or not?”

“How come every time we are affectionate you want to push sex?”

Far too many married couples fall into the power struggle trap regarding touching and intercourse. The positive role of sexual intimacy is to energize your marital bond and enhance feelings of desire and desirability. The key to a satisfying, stable marriage is a respectful, trusting commitment with sexuality playing a 15-20% role in enhancing couple vitality and satisfaction.

An empowering concept is to value the five dimensions of touch—affection, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse. Unfortunately, for many couples there are only two dimensions—affection and intercourse, which sets up an unnecessary and self-defeating power struggle.

The following exercise gives you a way of talking about touch as well as understanding the feelings and preferences of your spouse. Each person fills this out for him or herself—be forthcoming and genuine; don’t be “politically correct” or try to second-guess your spouse. Then combine answers and discuss areas of agreement as well as differences.

Touch Type	Your current percent of touch: He    She	The percent of touch you want: He    She
Affectionate Touch: Clothes on, warm, friendly, kissing, hand-holding, hugging
Sensual Touch: Cuddling, embracing, gentle touch, soothing, non-genital touch
Playful Touch: Inviting, flirting, seductive, dancing, mixing non-genital and genital touch, showering or bathing together, playing sexual games
Erotic Touch: Manual, oral, rubbing stimulation, taking emotional and sexual risks, feeling turned–on, open to erotic flow to orgasm
Intercourse Touch: Allowing pleasuring, arousal, erotic flow to transition to intercourse, enjoy intercourse connection and bonding, and be free to use multiple stimulation during intercourse

In implementing learning from this exercise, the focus is on what dimensions of touch you want in the present and future. There is little value in arguing about the past or staying stuck in the power struggle. Intimacy, touching, and sexuality is a “team sport.” You want to experience your spouse as both your intimate and erotic friend.

However, being partners and on the same team does not mean you have to be clones of each other. Your sexual relationship will be stronger and more resilient when each of you is free to have your own “sexual voice.” For example, one spouse prefers hugging, and the other hand–holding. In the realm of intercourse touch, one spouse prefers woman–on–top position with in–out thrusting, while the partner prefers man–on–top with circular thrusting. Celebrate your differences, and use them to “spice up” your married sexuality.

The core issue is how you feel about sensual, playful, and erotic non–intercourse touch. Can you integrate these into your couple sexual style? Are these touching dimensions viewed as “foreplay” always leading to intercourse or are they valued for themselves? The traditional power struggle is men believe “sex=intercourse” and once aroused he feels cheated if touching doesn’t result in intercourse and orgasm. He says, “Don’t be a tease and start something you’re not planning to finish.” Traditionally, women value intimacy and affection. “Why does sensual or playful touch always have to lead to intercourse?” This power struggle results in less touching and less intercourse, as well as more hurt feelings and alienation.

We encourage each of you to value the different dimensions of touch, stay on the same intimate team, and each affirm the role of both intimacy and eroticism. Typically, the challenge for men is to learn to value sensual and playful touch for itself rather than as part of the build-up to intercourse. Typically, the challenge for women is to value her own “sexual voice,” specifically erotic, non-intercourse touch.

If the couple falls into the traditional pattern of “intercourse or nothing,” nothing will eventually win whether next year or thirty years from now. To prevent sexual problems you can learn to value a variable, flexible couple sexual style. Touch both inside and outside the bedroom and be aware that sensual, playful, and erotic touch has value. This need not and should not always lead to intercourse. The essence of marital sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure–oriented touch which includes all of the five dimensions of touch.

If you can learn this early in your marriage, it will inoculate you against sexual problems in your sixties, seventies, and eighties. Be good to yourself and your marriage–enjoy at least three dimensions of touch, and ideally all five dimensions. 

Questions for Reflection Which of the “touches” which Dr. McCarthy describes is most important to you? Which do you feel least comfortable with? Does sexual touching usually lead to intercourse in your relationship? How do you feel about this?  Has the practice of Natural Family Planning enhanced your ability to enjoy sexual touching? Read Song of Songs 7:7-14, in which God's love for his people is compared to the love a married couple have for each other. Does this lead you to a new understanding of God's desire for your marriage to be sexually intimate?

Bliss in 22 Days

Buy it here: Bliss in 22 Days

“What do you want?”

Emphasis on the want. 

Every new client hears this question during our first meeting. I usually toss my query after hearing the subtext behind actions, and behaviors, and rarely feelings.

Wants. Desires.

We all have them.

Spoiler Alert: 90% of my clients say that want to be happy.

What will make you happy?

Is it getting that promotion you’ve been yearning for? Is it the high-powered vehicle cloaked in your garage? Is it losing those last five pounds?

Yes. Yes, because you’re successful when you’ve reached your goals…you’re happy you have a new promotion so that you can take that Tahitian vacation or pay off your high balance/high percentage school loans…you’re overjoyed as your shiny ponytail whips in the wind during an afternoon convertible drive zooming on desolate roads. . .you’re giddy you can finally fit into your 7-16 denim skinny jeans.

Are these fleeting experiences enough to feel happy?

Happiness…is it experienced intrinsically or extrinsically?

Psychologists have long toyed with the definition and interpretation of the word ‘happy.’  Finding your inner gaiety does not need to be laborious or far-reaching. You just need to change your brain.

Yes. Change it.

Throw out the concept of ‘positive thinking’ and embrace ‘realistic thinking.’  Express gratitude. Maybe you don’t have a glossy Red Monster of gas guzzling endorphins on four wheels parked in your driveway, but you do have a reliable mode of transportation to get you where you need to be. Maybe those over-priced denims are still hanging in the back of your closet, but you do have clothes that fit, are clean and are comfortable.

Yes, I realize I’m presenting you with a ridiculous scale of comparison, but the truth is that ‘happy’ can only be found from within you. Not somebody bringing you flowers, and not the layers of shoes stacked in your closet.

Wants. Desires.

I believe success lies in being happy. Happy with who you are and happy with what you have.

Finding your happy is a process; it’s a journey.

Happiness is perspective, reality and gratitude.

Don't wait to be happy. Don't try to find it in another person.

Happiness is a choice; it can only come from you. 

My journaling workbook will take you through a 22 day process to help you find your joy.

Always finding my happy,

Lesa